Author Topic: Chapter 5: I am Emma  (Read 15837 times)

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Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #340 on: January 27, 2021, 11:19:49 am »
I was the same size last summer.  As you said regarding the guy with breasts, you didn’t assume he was transgender.  For the same reason I am safely stealth. After I come out, people will put 2 and 2 together but not now.

 Breasts are not attractive on men so people ignore them.

I don’t think breasts are something any man wants, but we know that we aren’t men.  People will probably not assume that you are transgender, but when you come out to them, I wouldn’t expect them to be shocked.  They will wonder what is going on. 

It doesn’t matter in the long run.  You will get there.  The fact that your wife hasn’t left is a good sign for the future.  Mine would have almost certainly left when I started growing breasts.  Maybe not initially, if I lied to her and told her I was taking my male HRT.  In that case, should would probably urge that I go see the Endo immediately, and get a mastectomy ASAP.  If I refused, she’d probably assume I was happy about it, and leave.  Probably.  But, I thought she would certainly leave when I came out to her and she didn’t.  So, I don’t really know.  I just know what comments she has made over the last decade. I believe that she thinks she would go.

Anyway, I am really happy for you that you have D cup breasts.  I’d love that.  Of course, I’d be tempted to dress as a woman all the time.  :)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #341 on: January 27, 2021, 11:59:01 am »
Rachel to dress female is like an inch I can’t scratch now.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #342 on: January 27, 2021, 12:52:12 pm »
Rachel to dress female is like an inch I can’t scratch now.

GIRL, do I know that feeling!  It isn’t fun, but for you there is an end in sight.  I am happy for you.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #343 on: January 27, 2021, 01:17:26 pm »
Thanks Rachel. 

Given our discussion just now, I thought you would get a kick out of this article I just wrote for Medium.  It is still in draft form:

                                                                Being Bra Challenged

Ok whether you agree I am a woman or not, after over two years on HRT, I have breasts.  In fact, according to all available bra sources on the internet, I am 40D.  After countlessly measuring my chest, technically I am 44 ½ inches on the top and 40 inches underneath.  Trust me, I know how to measure.  I did it laying down, standing up and bent over.  Those are the numbers.

My breasts are very important to me.  It is the only observable indication that I am physically transitioning.  I find myself juvenilely proud of their size and not in a creepy guy way!  They give me a sense of validation and they constantly prove to me I am certainly not cisgender.  Going for a consultation for my gender altering surgery certainly was the capper that I am transgender.  I can no longer deny it, even to myself.

OK back to bras.  I was raised wearing male clothes.  There is a certain logic to them, even a jock strap is relatively easy but bras absolutely defy any clothing logic I understand.  Fortunately, I don’t need a bra right away.  I have to stay stealth male for a year for professional and personal reasons.  Bra straps would be a sure give away that I was a creepy fetishist or at the very least, a cross-dresser.  Both totally off the mark for me.  Being transgender would not be anyone’s first guess.

I currently have three bras, a sports bra, a multi-strap nylon bra and a padded bra.  I also purchased, in a panic when my breast became noticeable last summer, a breast compression shirt.  Strangely it wasn’t necessary because no one, male or female, looked at my chest.  Simply wearing a t-shirt was ample camouflage.  After all, who looks at a guy’s chest?

My problem is all the straps and hooks and the cups don’t seem to fit.  The internet recommends trying them on in a store…yeah right… picture me in the Victoria’s Secret dressing room.  I would definitely set a new speed record for a police response.

There isn’t even a consensus rule of thumb on how to select a bra on the internet.  I really need a big sister to take me shopping. Having a male body and being 6 foot tall just makes the mission even more impossible.

And who prices these things?  It’s a bargain to get two bras for $80? How does that compute?  I can get six jock straps and cups for that much.  Even if I double up the jocks to account for one for each breast I am still ahead and that includes the jock cup as body armor for each breast if I played any contact sport.

OK, OK I know I am exaggerating but the mechanics of any bra other than the sports bra still defy me. I then go on to the purpose of the bra.  That is a whole new arena of controversy. 

Do you really need one?

I now go braless.  I do notice that they bounce and occasionally hurt when I get up from laying down but beyond that I don’t feel unsupported.  I agree that my breasts are really only two years old and that the effect of aging and gravity could be years off, so other than gender validation for myself and the outside observer, what is the point?

I truly accept that I can’t wait to wear one.  I have been told by women and other trans women that soon enough I will feel tired of wearing one and that it will become another part the daily drudgery of getting dressed as a woman…but I can’t wait to feel that drudgery.  It means that I have achieved the status of a normal woman and not just some over excited crossdresser.

And I can’t wait to just be a normal woman or if you prefer, a trans woman.  Not a wannabe.  I love the lace straps. I love the t-back sports bras.  I want to see my cleavage on a low button blouse.  I am not looking to dress like a slut, I just want to look like I have a natural style…with maybe a bit of little class. 

I have lived a life of tidy-whitey cotton briefs and cotton t-shirts.  I am so desperate to wear underwear that has style and not just function.  Give me a little lacy please.

Forgive me if I overdo it but I just got a “gift certificate” to shop in the right side of the store.

I have been stuck in the Men’s Department way too long!

 

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #344 on: January 27, 2021, 02:00:01 pm »
Thanks Rachel. 

Given our discussion just now, I thought you would get a kick out of this article I just wrote for Medium.  It is still in draft form:

                                                                Being Bra Challenged

Ok whether you agree I am a woman or not, after over two years on HRT, I have breasts.  In fact, according to all available bra sources on the internet, I am 40D.  After countlessly measuring my chest, technically I am 44 ½ inches on the top and 40 inches underneath.  Trust me, I know how to measure.  I did it laying down, standing up and bent over.  Those are the numbers.

My breasts are very important to me.  It is the only observable indication that I am physically transitioning.  I find myself juvenilely proud of their size and not in a creepy guy way!  They give me a sense of validation and they constantly prove to me I am certainly not cisgender.  Going for a consultation for my gender altering surgery certainly was the capper that I am transgender.  I can no longer deny it, even to myself.

OK back to bras.  I was raised wearing male clothes.  There is a certain logic to them, even a jock strap is relatively easy but bras absolutely defy any clothing logic I understand.  Fortunately, I don’t need a bra right away.  I have to stay stealth male for a year for professional and personal reasons.  Bra straps would be a sure give away that I was a creepy fetishist or at the very least, a cross-dresser.  Both totally off the mark for me.  Being transgender would not be anyone’s first guess.

I currently have three bras, a sports bra, a multi-strap nylon bra and a padded bra.  I also purchased, in a panic when my breast became noticeable last summer, a breast compression shirt.  Strangely it wasn’t necessary because no one, male or female, looked at my chest.  Simply wearing a t-shirt was ample camouflage.  After all, who looks at a guy’s chest?

My problem is all the straps and hooks and the cups don’t seem to fit.  The internet recommends trying them on in a store…yeah right… picture me in the Victoria’s Secret dressing room.  I would definitely set a new speed record for a police response.

There isn’t even a consensus rule of thumb on how to select a bra on the internet.  I really need a big sister to take me shopping. Having a male body and being 6 foot tall just makes the mission even more impossible.

And who prices these things?  It’s a bargain to get two bras for $80? How does that compute?  I can get six jock straps and cups for that much.  Even if I double up the jocks to account for one for each breast I am still ahead and that includes the jock cup as body armor for each breast if I played any contact sport.

OK, OK I know I am exaggerating but the mechanics of any bra other than the sports bra still defy me. I then go on to the purpose of the bra.  That is a whole new arena of controversy. 

Do you really need one?

I now go braless.  I do notice that they bounce and occasionally hurt when I get up from laying down but beyond that I don’t feel unsupported.  I agree that my breasts are really only two years old and that the effect of aging and gravity could be years off, so other than gender validation for myself and the outside observer, what is the point?

I truly accept that I can’t wait to wear one.  I have been told by women and other trans women that soon enough I will feel tired of wearing one and that it will become another part the daily drudgery of getting dressed as a woman…but I can’t wait to feel that drudgery.  It means that I have achieved the status of a normal woman and not just some over excited crossdresser.

And I can’t wait to just be a normal woman or if you prefer, a trans woman.  Not a wannabe.  I love the lace straps. I love the t-back sports bras.  I want to see my cleavage on a low button blouse.  I am not looking to dress like a slut, I just want to look like I have a natural style…with maybe a bit of little class. 

I have lived a life of tidy-whitey cotton briefs and cotton t-shirts.  I am so desperate to wear underwear that has style and not just function.  Give me a little lacy please.

Forgive me if I overdo it but I just got a “gift certificate” to shop in the right side of the store.

I have been stuck in the Men’s Department way too long!

 


Just on the drudgery point - I’ve been full time for 3.5 years but spent a lot of time in the year before that as myself and I love wearing bras. They are natural and very affirming too. I have about 50 in various colours and styles. Im only a “B” cup but that feels right for my frame. I can imagine how much ur looking forward to the pleasure!


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Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #345 on: January 27, 2021, 02:07:03 pm »
Thanks Rachel. 

Given our discussion just now, I thought you would get a kick out of this article I just wrote for Medium. 
I did like that.  Thanks.

Personally, I would definitely do this if I woke up with D's tomorrow morning.  If you want to try it (I have never used one but) I think a "sand" colored SKIMS Fits Everybody Bandeau Bralette in "Large" might work for you.  Nordstrom sells them. The Sand color would probably match your skin tone, so no show through.  But, there are a lot of variations of "nude" colors, so you should be able to find a close match.  I'd wear it under a T shirt.

It is strapless.  Technically, that is a size down from what you would normally wear, which shouldn't be uncomfortable (because the material is reportedly stretchy), and should give you the compression you need.

But, you have been this size for months, so it is probably irrelevant now anyway.  So, aside from the joy of finally wearing a bra to work (right now to hide your boobs), you wouldn't be sore due to "the girls" bouncing around.  Like Pammie, I would embrace it if I had them.  I don't get the impression you want to do it, but you had seemed not to have considered the option, and it is there.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #346 on: January 27, 2021, 09:00:57 pm »
My son told me today that he thought I was very brave and that he was proud of me.....wow
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #347 on: January 27, 2021, 09:38:20 pm »
 :D  ♥️ ❤️
That’s wonderful!  You are a lucky lady. 

Did you cry? 😭

Online RandyL

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #348 on: January 27, 2021, 11:11:46 pm »
My son told me today that he thought I was very brave and that he was proud of me.....wow
That is the best kind of validation there is! Congratulations, and tell your son that your weird >:-) online friends think he is really cool.
Casting about for my best path forward...

My personal blog thread: Randy the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randy's HRT Journal


Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #349 on: January 28, 2021, 12:35:51 pm »
Randy and Rachel thanks for your thoughts.  It did make me tear up and it did make me proud. 

So I won't be totally alone after all..... :D
« Last Edit: January 29, 2021, 07:57:31 am by Emma1017 »
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #350 on: January 29, 2021, 08:05:05 am »
I wrote this in 2019 and it has been part of my profile at the bottom.  Even I ignored it.  It became part of the visual "furniture" of a long blog.  I want to re-post it here to emphasize what I wrote sot that I will read it again and take it to my heart.  I have allowed myself to forget.  I should read it every day  I hope it inspires others.

Hugs,

Emma

                                                      My Transgender Manifesto


    -I will no longer be ashamed of being transgender.
 
     -I will no longer feel any guilt nor will I let anyone make me feel guilty. 
      This is not a choice for me. They can choose to leave me but I can’t. 
       It is who and what I am.  Everyone else will need to accept it.

     -I will change whatever I need to feel like me.  It is not vanity,
       I need to be able to finally see me.

     -I will stop being mean to myself.  I am a good person and I deserve to
      be treated better by me.

     -I will like myself.  I have so many good qualities.  I need to see them and value them.

     -I will do all I can to help everyone in my life understand.  Society has kept them as
       blind has it has kept me about the truth of what being transgender is.

     -I will laugh.  Transition can be fun if I am willing to laugh at myself and see the humor
      that transitioning is bringing to my life.

     -I will not internalize the haters or the ignorant.

     -I will fight for acceptance.  I am worthy and I bring worth to the world.

     -I will not be bullied.

     -I will expect to be treated equally and with respect.  This is not negotiable.

     -I will accept my imperfections.
 
     -I will be happy.  I waited a lifetime to get here.


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Online RandyL

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #351 on: January 29, 2021, 02:20:15 pm »
Thank you Emma. It remains as valuable as when you first posted it. Many of these same thoughts came up in my support group zoom last night.

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Casting about for my best path forward...

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Offline Pammie

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Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #352 on: January 29, 2021, 02:31:49 pm »
I wrote this in 2019 and it has been part of my profile at the bottom.  Even I ignored it.  It became part of the visual "furniture" of a long blog.  I want to re-post it here to emphasize what I wrote sot that I will read it again and take it to my heart.  I have allowed myself to forget.  I should read it every day  I hope it inspires others.

Hugs,

Emma

                                                      My Transgender Manifesto


    -I will no longer be ashamed of being transgender.
 
     -I will no longer feel any guilt nor will I let anyone make me feel guilty. 
      This is not a choice for me. They can choose to leave me but I can’t. 
       It is who and what I am.  Everyone else will need to accept it.

     -I will change whatever I need to feel like me.  It is not vanity,
       I need to be able to finally see me.

     -I will stop being mean to myself.  I am a good person and I deserve to
      be treated better by me.

     -I will like myself.  I have so many good qualities.  I need to see them and value them.

     -I will do all I can to help everyone in my life understand.  Society has kept them as
       blind has it has kept me about the truth of what being transgender is.

     -I will laugh.  Transition can be fun if I am willing to laugh at myself and see the humor
      that transitioning is bringing to my life.

     -I will not internalize the haters or the ignorant.

     -I will fight for acceptance.  I am worthy and I bring worth to the world.

     -I will not be bullied.

     -I will expect to be treated equally and with respect.  This is not negotiable.

     -I will accept my imperfections.
 
     -I will be happy.  I waited a lifetime to get here.

Of everything you have written this is the most powerful, most poignant and most real. I found myself considering every point and how much it did or does apply to me!
Many I checked off but a few represent my greatest challenges. It’s an extremely insightful view Emma!
Xx


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Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #353 on: January 29, 2021, 02:53:59 pm »
If it wouldn't get me in trouble, I'd print that off and hang it on the wall, so I could read it first thing every morning.

I did email a edited version to myself.  I am hoping not to transition, and some of what you wrote didn't feel like it applied to me (being in the closet to most people).

My edited version:

Quote
-This is not a choice for me. Others can choose to disassociate from me, but I can’t.  I am who and what I am.  Whether others accept that is out of my control.

-I need to be a whole person.  I can't pretend to be two different people.

-I will do whatever I need to do to be at peace within myself.

-I bring something positive to the world, and I am worthy of love.

-I will like myself.  I have good qualities.  I need to see them and value them.

-I will accept my imperfections.

-I will no longer be ashamed of being transgender.

-I will no longer feel any guilt nor will I let anyone make me feel guilty about being transgender.

-I will not entertain mean, hateful or unaccepting thoughts about myself or about others.

-I will "thought-stop" if I ever catch myself being mean to myself.  I am a good person and I deserve to be treated better by me.

 -I will expect to be treated equally by others and with respect.  This is not negotiable.

-I will not internalize the haters or the ignorant.

-I will not be bullied.   

-I will be happy.


Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #354 on: January 30, 2021, 12:15:15 pm »


You know Rachel what I hate about what you just wrote:

 "If it wouldn't get me in trouble, I'd print that off and hang it on the wall, so I could read it first thing every morning."

is that we feel, probably rightly so, that our spouses would see posting this as an attack on them and the marriage instead of seeing it as a positive affirmation of who we are and a simple declaration of our human rights.  They do not understand the intense drive of gender dysphoria to be the gender we were born as and the incredible pain that living according to the rules of an ignorant society causes us to make them happy. In reading that, they would have to accept that we are transgender and all the realities that entails.   

Gender dysphoria, being transgender and the need to transition is a medically proven reality.

We didn’t make this up. We didn’t choose this to hurt them.  It happened to us and they choose to reject it and the only proven way to stop the pain.

Is it a type of spousal abuse?  Are their needs superior to ours?  Is our sense of sacrifice verging masochism?  Is it our failure to have the courage to declare our right to be allowed to simply express who we are without having to justify it every day to every person?  Do they go through the same scathing self-analysis every minute of every day?   They may see some of the pain but they don’t share it or live with it as we do.  If they did, they would help us hang it on the wall.

I am reaching the end of my ability to sacrifice and I am getting to the point where I recognize my needs to survive have a superior right.  I feel to need to protect and defend my gender and not be required to build a wall to hide it again just to make everyone feel better.


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #355 on: January 30, 2021, 03:09:05 pm »
Just your friendly neighbourhood annoyance poking her nose in again. :)

Your post made me think. And one question especially.

Do they go through the same scathing self-analysis every minute of every day?

Probably yes. But with different variables.

Understanding is one thing, accepting is another. You can understand something but be unwilling to accept it, even though you know something is how it is. Because of who you are.

Throughout my time here, I've seen a lot of people. A lot of changes. Mental as well as physical. And something which stands out to me is how trans people see the world during various stages of acceptance. Particularly late transitioners. It's as though the lens of their perception flips at some point.

I'll try to explain what I mean.

If you read through many accounts here of people who accept themselves later in life, they tell you that the world shaped them until that point. Maybe even you, too, Emma. They got lost in the vision of what being born male bodied, or female bodied, should be. Got absorbed in that life. Maybe as a way to shove down how they felt inside in the hopes it went away. Did all the things people born that way were expected to do. Get married, have a family, be who you were supposed to be. do what you were supposed to do. And sometimes it was so all-encompassing that for a time... it worked. And that connection to who they really are got buried under a literal lifetime worth of baggage.

Then, at some point, it changes. Because what drives trans people is something coming from deep inside us. A need that doesn't go away. Something which supersedes all the social conditioning. Something which builds and builds, like a reservoir behind a dam. Until the wall we create for ourselves begins to crumble.

At that point, the lens of perception flips. Shifts 180 degrees. And we stop using the outside world to form our identity. We stop relying on everyone around us to tell us who we are. For different people that takes a different amount of time. But it happens.

I have found that people who aren't trans... they don't have that shift in perception. There doesn't come a point where what drives them comes from inside. Not in the same way as it drives us. Their identity is formed from the relationships they form, the connections they make, the... stuff they have... the way the world makes them feel they should be. They do not have a square peg trying to fit a round hole, so they don't even notice the hole at all.

It isn't deliberate. It's how a lot of trans people go through life until it gets so unbearable that they cannot do it anymore. And in the case of trans folks, it becomes even more important in trying to suppress what's going on inside. I suspect it's how we're evolved to behave as a species. And in dealing with people, I think you kind of need to understand that. And understand that someone isn't deliberately out to hurt you because who you are makes them question who they are.

Understanding why someone is the way they are is better for dealing with it than resenting them for being that way. Even if it means, ultimately, that you have to lose your ties to that person. I don't think any part of this is abusive, from any party. It's people trying to deal with things the only way they know how.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #356 on: January 30, 2021, 03:40:58 pm »
Sephirah I think we are essentially agreeing.

My point is spouses are defending the status quo that transitioning is seeking to destroy.  It is a battle of needs versus desires. Emotional weapons are used to fight the battle. To transition requires amazingly thick armor to survive.

The last thing I want is a Pyrrhic victory but gender dysphoria won’t let me leave the battlefield.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #357 on: January 30, 2021, 04:51:59 pm »
I appreciate your genuine indignation about someone else being in a bad situation and not getting support from those who supposedly love them.  But, she is not abusing me.  She is scared of losing me.  And, the fear comes out in the form of hostility towards my attempts to soften my distress.  I honestly don’t think she knows 1/4 of what I “absorb” (in terms of dysphoria) in my way of accepting the role I voluntarily took on.  By absorb, I mean I suck it up and deal with it quietly, trying not to have it even be noticed.  I can be deep in obsessive dysphoria without outwardly seeming anything other than quiet and short tempered.  But, I created this situation.  She didn’t.  I mislead her (in the same way I have had to mislead EVERYONE. 

This is not about guilt; but something else.  What I am talking about is “cause and effect”.  I understand why I did what I did, and I am trying (with fairly good success) to not fee guilty about the suppression and misrepresentation I perpetuated upon her.  I knew what I was, and I knew how I felt inside.  I didn’t have a label for it, but I knew well enough that I was struggling long before I met her.  And, I did my best not to give any hint of it.

Emma, I don’t suppose you knew what I did when you married your wife.  So, for you there isn’t really any reason to feel a sense of responsibility.  But, I did. And, I intentionally hid it from her BECAUSE I expected that it would matter to her.  If I had been honest before we married, we wouldn’t have married each other.  I am sure of that.

I think she is happy that I mislead her, and is generally happy with our marriage; as long as I don’t behave like someone she doesn’t know.  And, she doesn’t want to know me as Rachel.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #358 on: January 30, 2021, 09:27:03 pm »

Rachel we are in different places. Both you and your wife need to live with a construction that you both can live with. It is a choice.  Everyone chooses what they need to be at peace.

It is a complicated world. We are all entitled to find happiness where we can.  You have a truth that you have a choice to use as you will or keep it as private as you choose to live your life. It is totally your choice. Sharing your truth with your wife is your choice.

You have a right to be at peace.

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #359 on: January 31, 2021, 04:34:32 am »
Emma,

I am continuing to wish you and your wife the best.

Keep warm.  I hear that more snow is coming to New York soon.
Plus maybe some more indoor dining at restaurants.

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

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