Author Topic: Chapter 5: I am Emma  (Read 24179 times)

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Online EllenW

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #740 on: April 27, 2021, 11:42:56 am »
Emma,

You are not a coward. You are taking her feelings into consideration. Which to me, means that you love her very much. Just as I did with my late wife.  Just keep the conversation going. It may feel like it is moving as slow as a glacier, but it is moving fast in comparison to my transition, which was decades.

Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - January 2021

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #741 on: April 27, 2021, 11:53:55 am »

Thanks Ellen.  Its hard to get a perspective of the forest with you nose again the bark of a tree!

A funny thought crossed my mind today.  Since the pandemic started I put on 8 pounds and I couldn't figure where it went and then an "a-duh" moment hit me, my breasts have been growing.  I am now a 38-40 DD (45" around over a 40" band).  So I looked up "How much does a woman's breast weigh?" 

The answer is: "A pair of D-cup breasts weighs between 15 and 23 pounds"  and I thought I was getting fat... ;D

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #742 on: April 27, 2021, 12:16:37 pm »
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
Reading your last couple postings... I am thinking that you and your wife may have not committed to a full physical transitioning....   
...but most certainly your body has committed....  A 38-40 DD can not be easily hidden

Yes, breasts have lots of tissue and fat content, so if the weight gain is up there, that is good news.!!!!
Thank you for sharing and posting and keeping me and the rest of your avid followers updated with your progress.
HUGS and best wishes as you continue on. 
Danielle

- - - - - -
    - - - - - -
Thanks Ellen.  Its hard to get a perspective of the forest with you nose again the bark of a tree!

A funny thought crossed my mind today.  Since the pandemic started I put on 8 pounds and I couldn't figure where it went and then an "a-duh" moment hit me, my breasts have been growing.  I am now a 38-40 DD (45" around over a 40" band).  So I looked up "How much does a woman's breast weigh?" 

The answer is: "A pair of D-cup breasts weighs between 15 and 23 pounds"  and I thought I was getting fat... ;D


A quick update on my slow moving glacier transition, my wife and I are still together and I still haven't committed to full physical transitioning to her.

Yes I am still a coward... :o
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #743 on: April 27, 2021, 01:14:11 pm »
Oh Danielle you get the joke that I am trying to ignore! 

Even my endocrinologist told me that obviously my body was waiting all my life for estrogen.

Who am I kidding?  My breasts is not going away and I don't want them to, so clearly I am transitioning.

My hairdresser is the same size and shape and she said that the reason mine are not so prominent is that they formed more to each side of my chest and since I am not wearing a bra, flatten out a little.  They are also new so they are not drooping.

Periodically I wear a binder now and I absolutely hate it.

There is no hiding this any more.  Clearly my last summer as male.  I can't go topless and will need to wear a t-shirt. ;D ::) 

Full transition is just a matter of time.

Warm Hug,

Emma

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #744 on: April 27, 2021, 01:25:15 pm »
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
A more comfortable solution for you
... instead of wearing a binder ... might be to find and buy a soft cotton sports bra that does not have formed individual cups.   A neutral white or other neutral color will be easier to conceal under you t-shirt and other (male) shirts that you may wear.
Years ago I found that as a good temporary solution to hiding my then developing chest.   
HUGS,
Danielle

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     - - - -
Periodically I wear a binder now and I absolutely hate it.

There is no hiding this any more.  Clearly my last summer as male.  I can't go topless and will need to wear a t-shirt. ;D ::) 

Full transition is just a matter of time.

Warm Hug,

Emma
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #745 on: April 27, 2021, 02:36:10 pm »


I worry that the bra straps will show through. I just need to stay stealth until the Fall.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Online ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #746 on: April 27, 2021, 03:25:07 pm »

I worry that the bra straps will show through. I just need to stay stealth until the Fall.


It is VERY hard to hide bra straps unless you wear multiple layers.  True, some bra straps, perhaps for t-shirt bras, may be less showing.  Bra straps are harder to see through a thick, beefy T-shirt, but if you get close enough to the woman, you can see them.

Then of course, the FRONT of the bra can provide a shape that you just do not see on guys!

I was wearing a very clingy Lycra T shirt with a long hem on the back as I was mowing on the riding mower.
No bra.  If anyone came up to me, those boobs were clearly showing off their girly shape.  So if I do not want to give anyone the perception that I am a woman, I wear thicker tops.  At least, that works for now.  If I put on a bra, especially one that has a molded cup that makes me look bigger, I had better be presenting as my female self; otherwise, at worst some may think that I was a guy with breasts! 

Sometimes I wish of male fail all the time, at least by appearance, even if tomboyishly dressed, but I am not ready for full time. 

Emma, there is a season for everything.  Yours is coming.  We love you.

Hugs,

Chrissy




Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #747 on: April 27, 2021, 03:28:13 pm »
I kept telling myself thats why I have not lost any LBs-------------
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #748 on: April 27, 2021, 09:01:52 pm »
Aw Chrissy thank you for your thoughts and bras are definitely out of a while for me!

Davina breasts are the good pounds. 😁👍
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Online ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #749 on: April 27, 2021, 09:34:19 pm »
Aw Chrissy thank you for your thoughts and bras are definitely out of a while for me!

Davina breasts are the good pounds. 😁👍


 :)  :)


Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #750 on: April 28, 2021, 06:58:08 am »
Ok here's Episode 2:

           Tales from the Both Sides of the Wall: A Baby Boomer Mini-Series of Gender Espionage
                                                       Episode 2: Refining My Spy Craft

In order to survive living between two genders in the 1950’s, I had to learn my spy craft from the start.  I learned through some early mistakes to recognized that I was “different” and I needed to fit in to survive.

There are three main cognitive learning styles: visual, auditory, and kinesthetic (OK I didn’t know what “kinesthetic” meant either.  Kinesthetic learning is learning through a physical activity).   Children are very observant.  They are natural learners.  They see everything, they hear everything and they are very hands-on.  They rapidly learn skills that will be with them the rest of their lives.  They learn their own survival skills.

Binary gender rules were rigid and pervasive in the 1950’s.  In my pre-K years, I started to learned my “guy” gender rules using all three styles.  There was no handbook.  They helped me to begin to refine my spy craft.  I had to know what skills I needed to survive.  Kids are tough and unforgiving judges.  They never forget. 

I was learning quickly and I needed to stop making mistakes. My survival learning skills would become so natural.  I got so good at it over my life that I eventually forgot I was even undercover.

VISUAL:  Visually gender was exclusively male and female, pure binary.  Mom and Dad, boy and girl, pink and blue, dresses and pants, shaving and makeup, work and raise kids, wrestle and play house, dolls and footballs, brother and sister, us and them, strong and fragile, the list goes on and on.  My co-ed grammar school even had and entrance for boys and one for girls.  There was even “BOYS” and “GIRLS” chiseled the lintel over each doorway to make it easy to know what to do.  They were probably the first words I learned to insure I knew where to urinate.  To make even that easier, we had urinals and “they” had toilets.

AUDITORY:  Children learn language quickly.  Growing up you learn elements that are reflective of your where you grew up.  Brooklyn was my “guy” language laboratory.  I learned that if you were called a “faggot” be prepared to get into a fight.  You were being compared to a sissy, a weakling or worse yet, a girl.  There was a whole street dictionary I was learning and you needed to learn fast.  You needed to protect your “guy” reputation at all times.

KINESTHETIC:  To be convincing, I had to be tough and never cry.  You never wanted to be called a “cry baby” and be excluded from the “guys”.  Show no weakness and be ready to fight. This was the world of LORD OF THE FLIES.  Bloody cuts and stitches were a badge of honor.  Cool guys had plaster casts on their arms that we could all sign.  Girls loved them.

We all played football, baseball on the street dodging cars and basketball in a friend’s yard.  Competition was fierce and choosing sides for a game was a sign of your status among the “guys”.  My kinesthetic learning was intense.
Looking back, physical punishment in school was not only acceptable, it was even encouraged particularly against young boys.  It kept us from getting too fidgety, or too mischievous.  It taught us to take our punishment “like a man” and re-enforced the stoicism that we needed to be a “Man”.

Parents accepted our punishment by teachers.  Our complaints were usually me with: “What did you do wrong?”.  Authority was rigid and absolute.

Between the Catholic Nuns in grammar school and the Brothers in high school I was slapped in the face, cracked in the knuckles with rulers, clocked on the head with text books, I had the short hairs on the back of my head and sideburns pulled, whacked by wooden pointers and I even had my head banged against a blackboard (hard enough to see puffs of decades-old chalk escape from the seams in the chalk boards).

I went to an all-boys high school.  There was absolutely no room for weakness.  Your survival was at stake.  You had to look and act tougher.  It was a school of raw testosterone in motion.  You either swam with it or you drown.  There were no life preserver “safe places” back then.  You were on your own.

I was deep behind enemy lines and I had no idea I was a sleeper agent at that point.

Along the way I had incidents of inappropriate touching by both priest and brothers.  Fortunately, I knew enough to escape without any serious emotional or physical harm.

While this does seem grossly out of place in today’s world, it was the standard practice in the world in which I grew up.  This was simply dismissed as “it was just the way it was”.  You had to accept it and survive.
It was definitely not a world to have a gender issue. 

In that world there was no “gays” or “lesbians”.  It was “homos”, “faggots” and “dykes”.  Forget have a name for anyone with a gender incongruence.  The word “transgender” wasn’t created until 1971. 

“Transvestite” and “Transexual” were clinical words used when one occasionally emerged into the public eye like Christine Jorgenson and Renee Richards.  As kids they were way off our radar and far beyond our conscious world.  They were included in the “homo” category because there was no derogatory word for them yet.

They didn’t exist.

My spy craft was deepening and my survival skills got better.  By the time my surge of testosterone hit me in high school, my gender was buried so deep that I rarely heard her voice…but occasionally I did.

She survived too but the walls were well guarded.

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #751 on: May 01, 2021, 11:49:24 am »
This is a shorten version to comply with the guidelines of this site and to spare you all the redundancy of my transgender experience.  The longer version was for the cisgender readers on Medium.


Episode 3:  Being the “Man” and Then Not Being the “Man”.  Please Fast Forward to the Sunset Cruise.
                             Tales from the Both Sides of the Wall: A Baby Boomer Mini-Series of Gender Espionage

As I enter the 1980’s I was able to leave my raging testosterone period behind.  I was becoming the “man” that my world expected.  I went to college, dated a lot of women, bought my own car and contributed to the up-keep of my parents’ home in which I was still living. 

By the time I finished my graduate degree, I had no student debt because I worked and paid my own tuition.  To my parents’ pride, I never asked them for any money for my education.  I worked and went to school at the same time.
By my 25th birthday I was married. 

So off we go:  a new car, house, mortgage, children, a bigger house, a dog, a second car, the kids’ education, their college and, finally, thoughts of retirement.

… Wait what? Retirement? Wait a second, what? I am 60???  When did that happen? OMG?

I had spent the bulk of my life doing what a “Man” was supposed to do.  I worked.  To my wife’s credit she did to and our financial success was a collaborative effort and we partnered in raising our children.  Proudly I never missed a birthday or soccer game…. but now the kids were out of the house and I started to realize that my career was becoming an option, not a need.  We were financially secure and everything was perfect.


Except for me it wasn’t, like a hurricane below the horizon, I was about to be slammed bigtime. 

I had no clue what was coming.

It started like a very mild mental itch at the back of my brain.  I could actually feel is it.  What was, until then, a very private fascination for woman’s clothing and fashion, became a full-blown obsession.  I ordered everything I ever wanted and once I exhausted that list, I wanted more.  I purged my wardrobe multiple times out of disgust.

Something was wrong, very wrong.  I started to feel my sense of shame grow with my fear of discover.
The itch was becoming painful.  No matter how hard I “scratched” it, it was never enough.  Then the pain became 24/7.  I felt this female presence intruding into my every thought.  The pain became unbearable.  No one had a clue what I was going through.  I was still undercover socially.

I had thoughts of suicide for the first time.  Now I was scared.

I finally had enough.  I looked for help.

Within the first few sessions, my reality came out.  I was transgender.

My own transphobia exploded with that reality and I was rejecting that I was female.  Then I started to connect the secret dots of my private life, the ones that I kept separated and hid from myself.  Now they were rapidly coming together and the picture was undeniable.

I looked in the mirror of my soul and saw…. her looking back at me.

Gasp.  I am not a guy after all.

As my male undercover continues to crumble, my façade is now for others and no longer is for me.  I know the truth, my truth and eventually so will they.  I hope that they like what they see.

My life has been a battle of Nurture vs Nature and Nature has clearly won.  I was deeply nurtured male but my female nature could not be restrained, regardless of how much I have fought it and tried to bury it.
 
I really don’t care about anyone’s argument about the legitimacy of whether I am a female or not.  All I know is that Mother Nature knows more than any of them.  She certainly has proved her point to me.

She successfully blew my cover and I am happy she did. 

My world demanded something of me and I delivered as promised.  Now it feels good to finally drop the act. 

It was exhausting.


The Series End


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #752 on: May 03, 2021, 07:45:45 am »
Sorry I haven't posted anything personal in a while.  I feel sort of frozen, frustrated and an little dark.  My wife and I are still hugging, kissing and just enjoying each other's company but we both feel the Sword of Damocles over our head.  I need to step up and just remove the Sword but I am hiding in maintaining the status quo. 

As Danielle pointed out the status quo is not stagnant.  HRT is not allowing it and is pushing my transition along.

I notice a lot of happy postings about Spring and the sharing of photos.  Years ago a large tree came down in front of our house and we replaced it with two flowering ones.  I love when the flower buds pop after the rain.



I planted flox on the curb border that flower after the tree.  I love when they flower.  It means I can officially put my snow blower away. ;D



Hugs,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #753 on: May 03, 2021, 07:59:07 am »
I also wanted to change peoples perceptions of NYC.  Real New Yorkers don't live in Manhattan.  These two shots are from Rockaway Beach in Queens on Jamaica Bay.  The first looks at Brooklyn and Coney Island at sunset and the second is looking in the opposite direction.  JFK airport is just over the horizon.  Tour books don't share these places.  Nothing to sell anyone I guess ;D.

There are regular Manhattan ferries that connect the Rockaway Peninsula and this is only 20 minutes (without traffic) from my house in Brooklyn.




  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #754 on: May 03, 2021, 10:06:26 am »
Gardening? Now that's something I can chew. In your second photo, is that a Dwarf Alberta Spruce in the foreground? If so, that's one of my faves. In bushes that size, I also love Hinoki Cypresses. I love Phlox too! Is that a cherry tree?

Offline RandiL

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #755 on: May 03, 2021, 07:19:56 pm »
Thanks for the photos and context Emma. Your plantings look beautiful. It would take a lot of water to maintain a yard like that here, but some people do manage it.

I used to travel to NYC (Manhattan of course) a lot in the 70's and 80's. We did software development for Citibank and Morgan. I remember the subway conductor calling out Far Rockaway and Jamaica, which both sounded quite exotic. I did go to Brooklyn once for the huge West Indies festival, with 100,000 people and steel drums mounted on trucks. I had never seen a crowd that large in my life.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #756 on: May 04, 2021, 12:45:21 am »
Hi O&C.  Yes that is a Dwarf Alberta Spruce and a cherry tree.  My gardening is a bit Darwinian.  If it survives, it was meant to be.

Randi the annual West Indies parade is a massive event.  I remember taking to a manager of a Home Depot in Brooklyn just after they opened their first store here.  Their market analysis found that over 75 languages and dialects were spoken in Brooklyn.  It offers a lot of food choices.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline TSL_NB

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #757 on: May 04, 2021, 03:23:53 am »
Hey Emma....I can definitely sympathise with a lot of what you have had to endure.   I was raised as a military dependent (as well as doing five years in the USN, myself), and in a lot of ways, it was just as difficult for dependents as it was for active duty members who are transgender (or, anywhere within the LGBTQIA sphere, really).   Safe spaces simply didn't exist, and I had to hide, and suppress everything, a LOT.

Thank you for sharing, sis. :)
-Vivian

It took over 40 years to realise, and believe, that what I am NOT, is a mistake.

(Yes, I'm a Canadian who served in the US Navy....)


Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #758 on: May 04, 2021, 06:51:00 am »
You live on a lovely street, Emma. I once sailed down Long Island Sound from Boston. I've also taken the Chinatown bus to Boston. The former is a lovely way to approach your beautiful city and the latter is the wild way.

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #759 on: May 04, 2021, 10:47:12 am »

Vivian it constantly amazes me how many of us lived variations on the same theme.  It took coming here to realize it.

O&C the houses on the block were all built before 1920.  They all have great detail.  We bought ours as a "fixer upper" bargain and had years of neglect in the 1990's that we have spent these years reversing.  We both love the work.

Gliding into the NYC harbor by boat must have been great and Chinatown is an experience all its own.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

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