Author Topic: Chapter 5: I am Emma  (Read 57898 times)

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Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1420 on: January 11, 2022, 05:16:15 pm »
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
This is YOUR Blog and you can and should post what you wish as it relates to your transition journey
that includes your related life events.

I have had various Blogs in the past that ... some garner a lot of readership and reply comments, and others that do not.   
I look at MY Blog as my personal journal... it is more for my own benefit than for anyone else...  as I vent, share, and write out my feelings and thoughts, there are members that will resonate with what I post and there will be members that don't identify with what I share....   no hard feelings, everyone has their own journey and is entitled to their own life views. 

I read every post here on the forums and there are some posts that "call to me" to respond more than others. 
In Real Life... we do not become fast friends and have more than superficial conversations with everyone we meet...  it depends on the chemistry of those involved.

So, the bottom line is that you post what you feel led to post on your Blog thread (Forums Journal) ... as I stated previously, YOUR Blog/thread/Journal is more for you than for anyone else.   As you write out your feelings and thoughts it allows you to look at your life events and to ponder ways to improve things that are going on in your transition life.... and trying to convert negativity into positive and fruitful actions and thoughts.

When you report good news all of us on the Forums will be rooting for you happiness and success, when you report "not so good" news we will give you our shoulders to lean on and our ears to listen.

Please continue on as you feel so inclined.

HUGS and wishing you success.
Danielle



Please give me feedback.  I don't want to post stuff I wrote for Medium if it is boring or no of value. 

My own personal stuff is waiting for me to decide.  No point to subject you all to that endless tail chasing.  I have done that enough here already.
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline sandrauk

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1421 on: January 11, 2022, 06:01:02 pm »
Please give me feedback.  I don't want to post stuff I wrote for Medium if it is boring or no of value. 

My own personal stuff is waiting for me to decide.  No point to subject you all to that endless tail chasing.  I have done that enough here already.



I was going to comment but I wasn't sure what you meant by the uniform and when you talk of your expression being described as too feminine. In the photos you have posted you look 100% female, but I am always wary of such photos. I had a makeover photographer friend who would make cis women look like film stars. but would insist that they take the thick makeup off before they left. If you look like your photos when in person I would say that's a good look for you.

As regards going into toilets etc, personally, I feel uncomfortable with full makeup on and also would with no makeup. I try to look the same as every other women, in order  to feel safe. I guess it is a uniform.

My daughter asked me for makeup advice once (I was honoured) and I told her, "you know that moment when you take your makeup off and there is hardly any left on but you still look made up, that's the sweet spot. " I think we all need to find our sweet spot

I'm afraid the sad truth is that, cis or trans, as a generalisation, we tend to move into the trans realm with more makeup.

Sandra


Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1422 on: January 12, 2022, 04:21:01 am »
AS I am in the UK things are a lot easier here, yes the TERFs rattle the cage and newspapers print stuff to sell (I never read them and always take any news with a pinch of salt) . You know where I stand, be yourself and just ignore the nay sayers , confidence and sheer bull wins the day!!
BTW just been to GP for blood test and everyone is lovely.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1423 on: January 13, 2022, 07:30:02 am »

Thanks for the reminder Danielle.  Challenging to sift through the internal emotion turmoil sometimes.

Sandrauk thank you for sharing your thoughts!

Davina glad to hear such excellent news!
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1424 on: January 13, 2022, 04:59:11 pm »
It's kind of hard to give feedback on your Medium articles, Emma. Because often it feels like they're not written for people here who read your blog often. It feels like they're written for people maybe coming to it for the first time. It's not that they're boring, or not valuable. It's more that you're trying to address people who don't already know what you're going through, I guess. Or what we go through. You're right with a lot of what you say. For some people you hit the nail on the head. And that's valuable reading.

It mostly depends on the person, and the environment they live in. That can differ vastly. By location, by societal upbringing, by access to services etc. What is a way of life for one person may not be for another. It all depends. Some people may be like "I know that all too well!" and some people might be like "That isn't my experience at all." That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about what you're going through, though. As it relates to you and how you feel, and how you get treated.

*huggles*

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1425 on: January 13, 2022, 05:47:57 pm »

Sephirah you are right.  I have taken a very definite and deliberate step back here.  I needed emotional space.  The Medium articles allow me to vent on a very non-personal level.  Here I feel like I share too much of me and it has made me vulnerable.

It is boring to everyone here to hear me yet again lament that I can't decide between my wife and my need to transition.  It is officially boringly repetitive.  This is my official year of "put up or shut up" regarding transitioning.  All me surgeries are set.  My job exit strategy in 2023 is set.  All of my excuses and hinderances are gone. 

It is just me standing, alone, making the decision... and I am in very deep emotional agony.  I continue to passionately transition while I stubbornly continue to fight it.

What else can I say here?  What else can anyone say?

I just hope that I don't spontaneously combust in the process.

I keep writing and post the Medium article, here and there, at least believing that constant emotional churning will have some value beyond my hopeless desire to final commit, one way or the other.

I am on the verge of stopping writing entirely.  Where is it getting me?


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1426 on: January 14, 2022, 03:28:52 am »
Looks to me your writing is the pressure valve for your brain, stop and the boiler might explode. Keep venting even if its the same old steam , when you come out you know the fire will subside.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1427 on: January 14, 2022, 06:55:10 am »


Davina I forget sometimes that people smarter and with more common sense actually read what I emotionally spew out here.

You are absolutely right, I need a pressure relief valve and writing is the only one that I have.  Thank you for, yet again, clearing the mud out from between my ears. ;D



  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline JanePlain

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1428 on: January 14, 2022, 02:31:44 pm »
I think you hit on some points that I've tried to articulate but not always very well.  First I think your point about being more than willing (wanting) to ditch male privlege and everything that goes along with that and ponder the possibility of hurting your treasured relationship with your wife is (my opinion) that your willingness to pay heavy dues to transition.  And of course there is so much more including the very real fear you expressed about unspeakable idiots and morons who would insult, hurt, kill, rape you just because your honest about your inner makeup. I say Who on earth would do this not to mention go through surgery (Any surgery is no picnic) and deal with HRT.  The simple embarrassment of going to a prescriber and asking for cross hormones. *Although as I learned the doctors I have are professionals.  But still... Then going to the pharmacy and being asked "Are you SURE this is for you?" SIGH... I think its often ignorance of what trans folk go through that leave everyone with groups of haters.  "We hate that which we don't understand"  And how many of us were / are fortunate to have a friend or relative that is gay or trans and simply got that they are people... Just real people who aren't whatever on earth it is that is the exact same thing as ourselves?  Which I think btw is everyone if you really come down to it.  So kudos on getting published and its saying things that need to be said.

Maybe its too much testosterone or I'm just too opinionated but I get into arguments with people.  Like people in a church that were agast that a lesbian lady simply wanted to go to church.  Why?  This lady had no secret program to pervert or convert or whatever anyone.  Just quietly be a human being with a desire to connect to something greater then themselves. Right?  Well I made the point to the people all acting shocked, outraged or simply bent out of shape that I didn't remember anyone being free of sin except that "one guy" who didn't bless or heal the tax collectors, sick Roman Soldier, Hookers etc but not those Trans people or Lesbians etc.  Happily this made the people at this nice church ponder if they were so perfect they could decide who was "allowed" to come to church.  Anyway I only say that to hopefully suggest there is some hope for people who actually believe in something better then man (Has to be) / God and are not just part of a make up or speak for God as we go along "religion." 

As to the people that say fill in the blank will never be a "real" woman or that transitioning is no different then saying you are a horse SIGH.  *Just heard that one and almost had my explode head.  What is a "real" woman in this Binary XX XY only universe?  What about the people who aren't XX or XY (intersex people) or men without testes?  Are they Both, neither or nothing?  Or just not brought up because it brings down the house of cards of hate. 

Is it down to its really no ones business?  At least to some degree I think thats true but I don't want to anger anyone who is upset about people who choose to go into stealth mode and just be "transitioned" and live their life.  I'm glad that some people are brave enough to bang some tables and point out some history.  It doesn't seem that long ago that being Gay went from unspeakable horror to (Mostly) accepted after the Politicians who all refused to vote on Gay Marriage (Stand and be counted) and every state that put it up for a vote by the public won the right to get married and be as miserable as the rest of the world.  (Ok a small joke)  And of course all these coward politicians on both sides of the aisle suddenly became backers. Is it any wonder I've given up on both parties now?

You article hit on something I didn't know about.  I think its extra sad that people who are lesbian or gay are hating on trans folks.  You would think even if they truly have no clue they wouldn't opt to stand with the same people that made their lives miserable.

I think with a little education about how everyone starts in the womb with female bits  and maybe make more public these studies about fetal brains developing male in female bodies and female brains developing in male bodies...  Would some of these haters and dopes (I hope!) chillax and understand that just because they don't get it?  It doesn't mean its not real.  And that is just one medical reason I've read about I know there are others. 

Off topic but I just saw this thing and it gives me hope...  Hate is so often total lack of contact with the people they hate.  There is an amazing series of video by a black man (just a Joe Sixpack) that decided to go to Klan Meetings?!? just to see what the deal with all this race hate was about.  Him inviting the "Grand Wizard" to have dinner and then eventually the KKK leader started inviting him to his house and guess what!  One less member of the Klan who gave his pointy hat and robes to this average black man with no particular education in or background in defeating hate other then being curious what exactly was the deal. 

Emma - There may be a few crazy people who would jump through all these hoops to transition but the handbook for mental health took out transexualisim as being a mental illness. So I think that simply admits the majority of trans people aren't that way because they are loons.  Keeping from going mental because of the many quite rational fears of the hoops to transitioning?  That is a different story. I think you have quite rational fears but why have you subjected yourself unless there is a reason for doing so?  Which I think is the gist of what you wrote except you didn't blather for pages like me. ha ha.

No for people who want to be a horse?  THAT is still in the mental health book.  And the dumbest argument I've ever heard against transfolks.

I DO write too much stuff but your writing really set me off so I think the short version is well done!  YES keep writing!  It certainly made me think.  Now if I can just learn to shut up and bouncing around on 50 things at once...

"This world is but canvas to our imaginations.
Henry David Thoreau - (1817-1862)

Offline JanePlain

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1429 on: January 14, 2022, 02:33:13 pm »

Davina I forget sometimes that people smarter and with more common sense actually read what I emotionally spew out here.

You are absolutely right, I need a pressure relief valve and writing is the only one that I have.  Thank you for, yet again, clearing the mud out from between my ears. ;D

I invoke that as the excuse for my previous book length babble fest of typing...

"This world is but canvas to our imaginations.
Henry David Thoreau - (1817-1862)

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1430 on: January 14, 2022, 05:52:46 pm »
I am on the verge of stopping writing entirely.  Where is it getting me?

Davina is right. It's getting you where you want to be. You don't need feedback, sweetie. Because you're doing it for you. Not for anyone else.

When I was a kid, my only escape was writing. But in my case it was fiction. Dozens of notepads written longhand. Before the age of keyboards. And no one would ever see the stuff I wrote. But in the writing, it was an escape. A way to be somewhere else. To just... not have to think about stuff. It was therapy without the cost.

We all have the things we do to keep us sane. This is yours. It doesn't matter what you write, it only matters that you write. Because it's your release. It's your escape. And we all need one (or more). So don't stop, okay? You don't have to write universal truth. Just your truth. In doing that, you have a way to not keep it all inside. Whether people agree or disagree... is irrelevant. You aren't speaking for everyone, you're speaking for Emma. The most important voice of all. :)

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1431 on: Yesterday at 03:08:20 am »
^^^ That is eloquent , I am just blunt !! (dyslexic and Aries , thats what you get)
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1432 on: Yesterday at 06:48:31 am »
I use writing as a release valve, much as you seem to do Emma..
Before I went full-time, I wrote masses.. my daily journal for the last full year living my lie was just shy of 2,400 pages long.. Most of it trying to figure out what I already knew.. I was, I am and I will be always female..

There was a lot to gamble.. friends, relationships, family and my business... The stakes were very high.. but those stakes, those 'things' I valued were based on the lie I was a man.. A lie I was perpetuating just by living the way I was.

I realised that a lot of the reasons I kept up the pretence was that my actual self-worth was very low.. How could I function in this world if my mask of manhood was ripped away.. I was not good enough for the people around me to be me.. I had to be him..

At some point you have to stop.. stop before you drown in the deception of who you are. Stop and say.. hey, I am worth it, I am a good, nice person.. why would people shun me if they knew who I was really...and if they do, well, it is their loss.

and shunned I was.. I lost my marriage of 30 years, friendships that had stood over 4 decades.. My home had to be sold and I moved into a small apartment.

But I look at what I did not lose.. and realise that those things were the real ones.. I did not lose my daughters love and affection, I did not lose a single client from my business (because I am good at what I do!).. and I found new friends who actually like 'me' ... I found a new relationship (which you may of heard about!!) and I have been the happiest I have ever been this past 12 months or so and it seemingly is getting better each day.

and, yes, I have written about 12 pages in my journal in the last 12 months.. I have really just been too busy enjoying life to do anything more.

Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1433 on: Yesterday at 12:31:26 pm »


OK JP, Sephirah, Davina and Sarah I get the point ;D and thank you. Writing is absolutely a pressure relief valve.  Fortunately everything I have written, regardless of where was from, was to me and then shared.  They are my thoughts, fears, anger, frustrations, heart and soul.  That is why I fear too much exposure.  I feel the vulnerability and that is still very new to me.

As always thank you for having my back.

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1434 on: Today at 12:57:59 am »


You know what I hate about being transgender is hating who I am.

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

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