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Author Topic: Chapter 5: I am Emma  (Read 71895 times)

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Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1520 on: May 11, 2022, 02:13:49 am »
That's a cool look (groan)
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a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1521 on: May 11, 2022, 11:14:42 am »

Ahhh the glamour of being transgender!  Who knew I was missing so much for so long. ;D
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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1522 on: May 13, 2022, 12:25:53 pm »


Quick update.  Swelling is starting to recede but eyes get really fatigued and feel scratchy.  One eye is still brutally red.  I expect to have a quiet weekend which is ok with me.

Friday is officially pizza day in Brooklyn.  Planning for pizza, red wine and a couple trashy shows.  Here in the States we are given tons of British murder mysteries.  With all that murder how do the small towns and villages  survive...  and people think that NYC is dangerous.  ??? ::) ;D

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  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1523 on: May 13, 2022, 03:29:39 pm »
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 13, 2022, 12:25:53 pm

Quick update.  Swelling is starting to recede but eyes get really fatigued and feel scratchy.  One eye is still brutally red.  I expect to have a quiet weekend which is ok with me.

Friday is officially pizza day in Brooklyn.  Planning for pizza, red wine and a couple trashy shows.  Here in the States we are given tons of British murder mysteries.  With all that murder how do the small towns and villages  survive...  and people think that NYC is dangerous.  ??? ::) ;D

Well, see, they're always easily solved. It was always Professor Plum, in the conservatory, with the silver candlestick. ;)
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Offline Rachel

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1524 on: May 14, 2022, 05:31:54 pm »
Congratulations Emma, in time the pain and swelling will go down and the beauty will shine through.
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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1525 on: May 19, 2022, 06:15:39 am »


Oh Rachel, I don't know  about the "beauty" but the swelling has gone down. They are still a little watery and red.  It looks like an allergy attack.

I had good news the other day, I appealed my surgery claim rejection by my health insurance company and won.  I was shocked given they are massively disorganized... except when they collect their premiums.  I'm not sure what they will cover but at least I will get something back and the moral victory for defending my transgender rights under their policy.

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Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1526 on: May 19, 2022, 07:19:18 am »
My aunty had laser eye treatment for a problem and 2 weeks later its still out of focus , they said 4 or 5 days-------
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a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1527 on: May 19, 2022, 08:36:09 am »


Truly Davina.  Take the doctor's estimate and multiply by 2.   :o :D

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Offline Alice

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1528 on: May 20, 2022, 04:49:35 am »
Hi Emma,

I am glad you are recovering from your eye surgery.  I have been trying to follow your blog but life is busy right now. I look forward to hearing about your future adventures.

Alice

Sent from my SM-T590 using Tapatalk

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1529 on: May 21, 2022, 08:59:06 am »


Thanks for stopping by Alice!

The eyes are healing.  They look better but the swell and red eyes still are noticeable. I tell the curious that I have hay fever, which I do.  I keep using eye drops, lotion and warm wash clothes and that helps a lot.  The good news, after an initial rejection by my health insurance provider, I won on appeal and they will cover the eye surgery.  I have to wait to see how much.

My wife and I are still working hard to find our footing with my gender and my male gender presentation.  I keep aiming for an androgynous middle ground.  It is still amazing how blind people are to my breasts.  I am just a guy with a big chest and men with breasts are not culturally sexy. I never have to say "Hey Eyes Up Here."  Weirdly sometimes it bothers me and sometimes I am relieved.  We really inhabit a strange world being transgender.

After four years, I have pretty much maxed out on the impact of HRT.  I am still planning on getting a two day electrolysis session in September.  I would need a second session to reach my goal.  My GCS is still scheduled for next February and the jury is still out.  I still question my need to fully transition.

The classic transgender quandary:  How much is enough?

 

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  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Rakel

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1530 on: May 21, 2022, 06:50:30 pm »
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 21, 2022, 08:59:06 am
... I still question my need to fully transition.

The classic transgender quandary:  How much is enough?

It really depends on your goals. What do you need to do to relieve your gender related dysphorias? If full transition is necessary for you to meet your goals, then go for it. If something else is sufficient, then that is your decision.

I would say that you have enough surgeries when your goals are met, however, some people just go on and on with additional procedures.

How much is enough? When you decide that you have had enough.

Take care.  :-*
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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1531 on: May 22, 2022, 09:50:21 am »

Rakel I absolutely agree with you.  I should have written:

        "The classic transgender quandary:  How much is enough for me?

which was the intent of what I  was writing.  Thanks for clarifying that for others that may read my blog.


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  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1532 on: May 22, 2022, 10:10:29 am »
Well I knew what you meant .  Have a good day, hugs.
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a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1533 on: May 23, 2022, 08:56:14 am »


I knew you would Davina ;). 

We had an early summer in NYC.  33 degrees Celsius and the humidity was up.  Way to early.  I am not a summer person.  Some of my shorts "shrunk" over the last year because of Covid... so I need a wardrobe up date. 

Food had nothing to do with it, so it must be the hormones... ::) ;D



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  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1534 on: May 23, 2022, 10:56:44 am »
Thats my excuse !!!
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a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1535 on: May 24, 2022, 06:45:55 am »


Davina I am more than happy to share that excuse!  I ordered shorts with a larger waist.  It was painful but necessary.

I am finding it difficult trying to find my peace with my gender duality.  I define it for me as happy with my wife and unhappy not being me. The more that I present predominantly male in public, the more comfortable our life and social life together is but I am finding it hard to hold back that I am female.  I am trying to find ways to express who I am without obviously coming out.

I am hoping it is possible and still be happy.  I am not expecting life to be perfect.  It never is for anybody but I would like to get close.

I hope I have not hit an impasse.  I hope I find my next step.



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  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1536 on: May 24, 2022, 02:07:04 pm »
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 24, 2022, 06:45:55 am

Davina I am more than happy to share that excuse!  I ordered shorts with a larger waist.  It was painful but necessary.

I am finding it difficult trying to find my peace with my gender duality.  I define it for me as happy with my wife and unhappy not being me. The more that I present predominantly male in public, the more comfortable our life and social life together is but I am finding it hard to hold back that I am female.  I am trying to find ways to express who I am without obviously coming out.

I am hoping it is possible and still be happy.  I am not expecting life to be perfect.  It never is for anybody but I would like to get close.

I hope I have not hit an impasse.  I hope I find my next step.

I had to go back to your older posts to find what "compromise" you'd actually reached, Emma. Because from the tone of your posts it seems very one sided. Like you get to make all the sacrifices and your wife deems it enough to stay with you. That isn't compromise. It's manipulation of someone very vulnerable. Because most of the important parts of being who you are, you have to either do in secret or not do at all?

Was this a part of the agreement you reached? That you'd have to present male in public and not come out to anyone? I admit I am very very confused. It seems like you got the short end of the stick, hon. I'm not trying to poke a hornet's nest because I know how hard all this is for you. But you know how much I care for you and want the best for you... and the tone of your posts suggest that you thought you'd both be sharing a gourmet meal and instead you've ended up with table scraps. Which kind of sucks. I really hope I'm wrong.
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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1537 on: May 24, 2022, 08:44:09 pm »

Sephirah I am flexing more than her I agree.  Maybe I am afraid to lose her and everything else in my life.  She has absorbed a lot all ready too.  I got the eye surgery, I have a 38DD chest and I am still going for electrolysis in September. I am Emma here on the internet.  I shared my secret with my son and some friends and family.  I am working with a therapist, a stylist and a hair dresser that are militant about me being Emma.  I have shopped as Emma and briefly gone out as Emma. 

Is that enough?  I don't know but I am trying but its a lot further than a year ago.

 
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  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1538 on: May 26, 2022, 08:24:19 am »

There is no question that I have made significant progress since I started this long and laborious blog in 2018.  I had thought by now I would be where I needed to be.  Maybe I am.  Having a significant relationship with a fellow baby boomer makes the necessary selfish decision to totally transition brutally difficult.  Anyone that has read any of this blog knows how much I struggle.

To Sephirah's point, my wife could do more but given, for her, it is amazing how far she has gone to accept me being transgender. I am pleased that we still love each other and that we are committed to be together.  Our anniversary is this Monday.  41 years of irreplaceable love, friendship and companionship.

Really tough to throw that all away for my need to totally transition.  Compromise for love?  Actions speak louder than words I guess.

Can my gender dysphoria be satisfied?  It isn't easy.  Time will tell.



 
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  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #1539 on: May 26, 2022, 10:55:53 am »
I suspect the GD will win in the end , after 41years lets hope your wife will support you. Here's to the next 41 !!!!XXXXX
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a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)
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