I was speaking with my therapist yesterday and I was telling her about something that struck me the other night. I was in a car with a friend of mine and as we were going down the street I saw a sign on a business with my dead name on it at least 20 feet tall. I just looked over at and thought to myself, huh! What a weird name for a business and I didn’t even think about it being my dead name till later and I got a smile on my face as I realized how much I don’t associate that name with myself anymore.
My therapist then asked me a question that I hadn’t even given any thought to!!!!! How does it feel to be content?
I never even thought about it to tell you the truth and she commented about the priceless look on my face as I was contemplating her question. I know I had a bit of a smirk on my face. But back to the question…… At first I was like it felt great but that is just to cliché and I started digging a little deeper. As I sat there thinking the thought came across my mind that “How did I not even notice this?” That’s when I realized how much my life had changed. For so long I was always fighting. Fighting my true feelings. Fighting to hide my feelings. Fighting to live up to others expectations. Fighting to end my life. Then things turned as I started fighting for my life. I fought to find myself. I started fighting to heal myself. Fighting to let her out. Fighting to start my unmasking. Fighting to get my letters to start. Fighting to be seen for who I am. Fighting to keep strong. Always battling.
There had always been an inner conflict going on due to my dysphoria and it took up a lot of brain power… Then it hit me…… The conflict is gone!!!!
As I started to present my true self there were so many things I was taking particular time to make sure I hid. I had a shadow on my face that I paid close attention to and always made sure was covered with makeup. I would put on my wig to make sure to cover some challenging parts of my hair. (The shaved head I had when I started). I paid very close attention to what I put on to wear. I never noticed that I was spending time to cover things up that I no longer need to cover up…! The struggle is over!!! I’m me!!! I’m Melissa!!!!
