ok, so hi. my name is (well, will be) Amanda Holland.
i finally went to the clinic today to get started on HRT. it's been a long time over due. a few more days though. they drew blood to check vitals (diabetic so they want to be sure of some things) and so i'm waiting on the lab work to come back.
my story (short version): almost 40 years old now. tired of "fighting it". tired of refusing the fact that i am much more feminine on the inside that i was willing to admit for over 20 years. i feel like i'd been forced to be male, and expected to conform to maleness from every angle. it's as if my maleness was a uniform i had to wear to be part of the world.
when we were kids, i used to say "i'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body" as a joke. but turns out to basically be true.
looking back, when i was 5 and tried on my sister's bathing suit, i felt different. for the next 13 years, i was only going along with my environment. but when i was 18 and started college and finally had access to the internet, i was able to find others who were GNC. maybe at the time i fetishized them. back then it was "hermaphrodite" porn, cuz "i ain't gay!". took a while to sort out the confusion, but later i discovered i just liked women (cis/trans). but even then for many years, i just didn't feel right. there was something about ME that wasn't right. - i would have seasons of times where i would "indulge" the urges to be fem and other seasons where i was saying "no dammit! that's not right! i have to man up!".
i've spent nearly a decade looking into transitioning. a few years ago, i discovered some regimens and decided to self medicate my HRT because no one (not even a doctor) was allowed to know my secret. so i ordered a 6 month supply and started noticing some results. then career shift, less money, no meds since 2017.
recently, i've just decided to stop fighting. let the cards fall where they may. i feel more at peace with the decision and while i'm not public yet, i feel more at peace just know i am what/who i am.
it still seemed to be a big leap to even talk with the clinic via telehealth to just set up the in-person clinic visit. and going there today was another leap. but, looking back, what was i really scared of? everyone i interacted with was seemingly supportive. by the way they looked at me, i was probably the only fully male-presenting patient they seen come in for transgender health. not surprising, i presume most who do this have lived as a woman publicly to some degree before going in. - but my path has to be from the inside out. my town and my long history here is not conducive to "dude in a dress". - i'll start presenting as female as soon as is prudent.
they asked me about surgery, i said i don't think i'll do any, but 99% sure i won't go further than an orchiectomy.
i know to not get my hopes up in thinking i'll ever be truly "passable", but with a gender-swap filter selfie makes me look like my sister to an uncanny degree. - at least i have a decent target rather than trying to mimic some celebrity (which i thought i might have to do).
not sure how to close this out, but i'm open to discussion.
