Author Topic: it's time  (Read 290 times)

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Offline amandaholland

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it's time
« on: November 16, 2020, 09:29:52 pm »
ok, so hi. my name is (well, will be) Amanda Holland.

i finally went to the clinic today to get started on HRT. it's been a long time over due. a few more days though. they drew blood to check vitals (diabetic so they want to be sure of some things) and so i'm waiting on the lab work to come back.

my story (short version): almost 40 years old now. tired of "fighting it". tired of refusing the fact that i am much more feminine on the inside that i was willing to admit for over 20 years. i feel like i'd been forced to be male, and expected to conform to maleness from every angle. it's as if my maleness was a uniform i had to wear to be part of the world.

when we were kids, i used to say "i'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body" as a joke. but turns out to basically be true.

looking back, when i was 5 and tried on my sister's bathing suit, i felt different. for the next 13 years, i was only going along with my environment. but when i was 18 and started college and finally had access to the internet, i was able to find others who were GNC. maybe at the time i fetishized them. back then it was "hermaphrodite" porn, cuz "i ain't gay!". took a while to sort out the confusion, but later i discovered i just liked women (cis/trans). but even then for many years, i just didn't feel right. there was something about ME that wasn't right. - i would have seasons of times where i would "indulge" the urges to be fem and other seasons where i was saying "no dammit! that's not right! i have to man up!".

i've spent nearly a decade looking into transitioning. a few years ago, i discovered some regimens and decided to self medicate my HRT because no one (not even a doctor) was allowed to know my secret. so i ordered a 6 month supply and started noticing some results. then career shift, less money, no meds since 2017.

recently, i've just decided to stop fighting. let the cards fall where they may. i feel more at peace with the decision and while i'm not public yet, i feel more at peace just know i am what/who i am.

it still seemed to be a big leap to even talk with the clinic via telehealth to just set up the in-person clinic visit. and going there today was another leap. but, looking back, what was i really scared of? everyone i interacted with was seemingly supportive. by the way they looked at me, i was probably the only fully male-presenting patient they seen come in for transgender health. not surprising, i presume most who do this have lived as a woman publicly to some degree before going in. - but my path has to be from the inside out. my town and my long history here is not conducive to "dude in a dress". - i'll start presenting as female as soon as is prudent.

they asked me about surgery, i said i don't think i'll do any, but 99% sure i won't go further than an orchiectomy.

i know to not get my hopes up in thinking i'll ever be truly "passable", but with a gender-swap filter selfie makes me look like my sister to an uncanny degree. - at least i have a decent target rather than trying to mimic some celebrity (which i thought i might have to do).

not sure how to close this out, but i'm open to discussion.

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: it's time
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2020, 09:34:34 pm »
Hi Amanda Holland,

Good luck with your transition.  Everyone has a different idea on what needs to  be done.

Marion

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: it's time
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2020, 09:37:25 pm »
@amandaholland
Dear Amanda
    Congratulations on starting your HRT today.  It is the start of your medical transition and journey.

    Thank you for joining Susan's Place and the Forums over 4 years ago back in March 2016.
    I am most pleased that you had decided to start posting in the Forums once again.

    Please know that I am not trying to sidetrack your questions and thoughts....
...but first, it appears that you have never been officially welcomed and given the rules and policies of Susan's Place and the Forums.


    Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts.... as you get more involved in exchanging comments on various posts other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to any of your specific questions and concerns..

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
 
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: it's time
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2020, 09:38:25 pm »
@amandaholland
Dear Amanda:

OH, another thing....  Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing you well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and others the thread back so that the conversation can continue.


Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline amandaholland

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Re: it's time
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2020, 09:49:06 pm »
@amandaholland
Dear Amanda:

OH, another thing....  Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
thank you.
would it be better to move this thread to the introductions section?
also, i've been around a lot longer than 4 years. reading mostly.
« Last Edit: November 16, 2020, 09:53:16 pm by Northern Star Girl »

Offline amandaholland

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Re: it's time
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2020, 09:50:14 pm »
Hi Amanda Holland,

Good luck with your transition.  Everyone has a different idea on what needs to  be done.

Marion

thanks :)

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: it's time
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2020, 10:01:59 pm »
thank you.
would it be better to move this thread to the introductions section?
also, i've been around a lot longer than 4 years. reading mostly.

@amandaholland
Dear Amanda:
When and if you go to Introductions Forum you can briefly in a few sentences
 let other members know of your re-arrival to the Forums. 

On your introduction posting you can feel free to include the following link to your
very informative first posting here on this thread.   
  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,254749.msg2396968.html#msg2396968

Again, I am glad to see you posting again on the Forums.
Warm Regards,
Danielle

***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Rakel

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Re: it's time
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2020, 05:45:51 am »
Dear Amanda,

While many of us have started with DIY non-prescription hormone therapy, the real changes happened when we started doctor supervised, prescription strength hormones.

Do not expect physical changes immediately. The older you are, the longer it takes to feminize. After all, how long have you been making your own Testosterone?

We have a few before and after threads, so you can see examples of us who have transitioned. I am in there as well.

HRT combined with weight loss has resulted in many dramatic transitions.

Take care.  :-*





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