Topic: MTF in need of help 2

[Maid Marion]

Hi Rachel,

Congratulations about your daughter being accepted to the University of Pennsylvania!  Ben Franklin's school!

Marion

[Rachel]

@Maid Marion, thank you.

@Northern Star Girl, thank you. I need someone at work to take a pic. I decided not to color my hair so I have 2 inches of a lighter color. I had white hair when I was young and it is returning

@RandiL, I agree Rachel M is beautiful.

@Rachel Montgomery, I will get a pic soon. Thanks for the gentle push.

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I had a consult with my doctor Monday and my med was increased to maximum. I definitely feel better. Funny, now I am listening to music in my car. I always listened to pod casts in the past. My tolerance to light has dramatically increased. I find myself happier and in general less depressed and able to make decisions that in the past I was anxious and ruminated over. I still have suicidal thoughts but i do not go deep and it passes by quickly. I suspect the thought of suicide will be with me for life. I have a very long history of suicidal idealization. However, now the thoughts are just that, thoughts.

I really feel a lot better and I do not feel any negative side effects from the medication.
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I have been going to the gym often. I love the feeling from lifting. I always have. There are a lot of woman in the gym and they are built. I really need to gain 20 pounds of muscle. I use to lift some heavy weight back in March 2020. Covid diet and muscle loss and depression and isolation.
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Speaking of Covid, I want to go to India to get a face lift but is very high in covid. So maybe Thailand is a better choice.
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So I have completely recovered from the party 1.5 weeks ago. Wow, unbelievable. I have a guy texting me and he wants to meet up. IDK, I feel much more comfortable at parties. Something new, I know I should be courageous. Maybe that feeling I have is a good thing. 

[Rachel Montgomery]

Thank you all for the compliments.

[Rachel]

I was on the cloud and deleting pics I do not need on there and went through all the pics I had from my surgeries and the shore. I had blocked out all that and then it came back. Had some stress at work today. Came home and put on Netflix and this guy had 3 days to live and was spending time with his daughter at the beach. Flash backs. Item lost in the mail, insured but dealing with the post office is not fun. Had a conversation with a co-worker about when he is retiring and where he wants to move.

I realize I will never retire. It would be 9 years from now. It is never going to happen. I know it. I am on the maximum medication and it still gets through. At some point, not now, it will be too much. I know it. Until then, I will do my best to have fun and be productive. At what point negatives outweigh the positives? I am trying to make more positives.

[Rachel Montgomery]

Well, that certainly doesn't sound good.  Are you referring to depression?  Or, to some other illness?

[Rachel]

@Rachel Montgomery, I have depression, anxiety and ideation. I am on the maximum dose of Prozac and it has helped. I developed a way of thinking about life and experiencing it. I am doing thiggs I always wanted to do. I am taking some measured chances and it is helping.

Maybe the winter and covid and covid isolation did not help my condition. Perhaps I just need some socialization, meds and new things in my life.
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Voice is still improving gradually. I record it daily at work and listen to past recordings and I can hear improvement weekly. Monthly there is noticeable improvement.
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I went to a party last night and it was ok. I will give more detail in the sexuality part of the site. There is a difference between trans woman that do not pass and cis woman at play parties. It is the way it is. I need to accept it and adjust.
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There is no travel to India and from what I am reading covid is very bad there. So Thailand may the the option left open to me for now.


Rachel. 

[Rachel Montgomery]

Well, I hope that spring will bring new opportunities for you to be more social.  If you want to talk, feel free to PM me.

[Rachel]

@Rachel Montgomery, thank you for being so supportive.

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I take 1/2 of my SSRI medication at 0400 and 1/2 at 1200 and that works well. I am going to the gym and I am going to parties. I suspect I will be alone for the rest of my life. I always had a fear of being alone. I am getting use to it. I really love the gym and the sleep I get after a workout. I am adapting and with society starting to open up I suspect going out to places will improve.
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I went to the Mazzoni Center today, my primary and trans care health care and had blood tests and STD testing. I have an on-site doctor appointment next month.

When I entered the lobby of Mazzoni I had to put my drivers license into a machine. It took my picture, verified my identity and took my temperature. A temporary ID was printed out and worn.
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[Rachel]

My STD and HIV tests came back negative. I need to redo the oral swab because the container leaked in transit.

There is a party by NYC mid May and one in Camden County tomorrow. I may go to the Friday party, I do not know yet. I really want to get into the state park Saturday and lift. Staying out late does not lend itself to hiking and working out. I am thinking of going to bed early Friday night.

I have been going to the gum. I do exercised for my legs, butt, tummy arms, shoulders and pecks.  I am increasing in strength and gaining a little muscle. In the mirror I like the progress. I love lifting and the feeling afterwards.

My SSRI works well. Music sounds better and I have a much better outlook on everything. I see myself smiling in on-line meetings. Thoughts of self harm have been fading and I really want to accomplish some goals.

I am still alone and most likely will be for life. To deal with that I need to expand and do different things. I want to get a kayak and use it on some of the beautiful lakes in Bucks County. I think I will do that.

Best,
Rachel

[Rachel]

I had my carotid arteries scanned today. Finally taking care of that issue. The right took a while until she found that issue. The left was done quickly. That is the one that bothers me. Monday i should know the results.

I went to the gym and lifted tonight. I skipped steps this week and last. Hopefully I can get it taken care of quickly. I think I want to stay around. I am starting to have fun. I really love lifting.

I did not go to the Friday Party because if I go to a Party it will be the Saturday NYC party. I just had my STD tests and I tend to not make good decisions in the moment. So I will think about it long and hard, LOL.

I am fighting off the temptation of getting another tattoo. I am thinking about a flower design over my right side in black ink only. Fine line,right side torso, black ink, are my thoughts.

What is really cool is that guys are talking to me and holding the door. One guy today held the door for me and turned and said you are tall, are you 6 foot. I smiled and said yes. Another guy a day or so ago asked if I went to a specific high school. I said no. He said I look like a woman that he went to school with.

Rachel

[Rachel]

Do I go or do I stay? It starts at 5so I would need to in an hour. I want to go but it is a drive. I want to play safe and I tend to let things slip(LOL).

[Chloe]

I want to get a kayak and use it on some of the beautiful lakes in Bucks County. I think I will do that.

Get a canoe instead and perhaps you'll find someone who likes to paddle too?

Stop planning for such single, lonely pursuits (or, indeed, do they make kayaks for two)?

[RandiL]

Get a canoe instead and perhaps you'll find someone who likes to paddle too?

Stop planning for such single, lonely pursuits (or, indeed, do they make kayaks for two)?

Yes they do make tandem kayaks and they're a lot of fun.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

[Rachel]

@chloe, hi, I do go to parties with a lot of guys. I have a feeling you mean activities with clothing on. I agree, I need to hit some car shows in the area. I really want to go to New Hope and walk around and get lunch. I am learning to play a left handed 6 string acoustical electric guitar and a 4 string right hand bass electric guitar. I was thinking of getting some lessons. Music stores have a lot of people in them. I can find local band info there.

@Randil, thanks, if I get a kayak I will make sure it is for two.
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I made a decision to stop coloring my hair. I notice the difference now. My hair is shinier and less frizzy when it is not colored. It will take a year or two to grow out more. I may color it If I think I look better with colored hair.

I will be going to Papillion for electrolysis monthly starting in August. They use numbing and I do the lips and chin first and other areas as time permits in a 4 hour session. I want to get some filler in my lips too.

[Rachel]

Hi, I went on a hike today with the Pride at work core group. It was fun. I really like being able to talk to LGBT because we can be ourselves and share our interests.

I really think the North Jersey poly group is my tribe. I definitely want to go to North Jersey hotel parties and go on the nude beach.

Face lift (SMAS) and some tummy skin removal I am thinking Dr. Telang, PAI and Dr. Cardenas in Mexico. I would also entertain a USA doctor but the cost is a factor. I had covid and I had the vaccine and I am around a lot of people and I have no fear of covid.

[Chloe]

I made a decision to stop coloring my hair. I notice the difference now.

        I colored mine and regret it now. Made it "dirtier" (darker) when it should have been more "streaked blond". Do notice among older crowd "grey to whitish" is actually fashionable. Did it myself will pay next time.

If you ever decide to travel perhaps I'll go with you as owe a "support" visit. When Wendy here went to Dr "Z" (or was it "O") in Chicago was supposed to go with her but, being over Christmas holidays with 2 kids & divorce recently "final", girl was she mad at me never really understood!

Am starting to think insensitive "autistic tendencies" is a trans hallmark!

I'd be interested in talking to Cardenas too (Thailand is WAY TOO FAR!)

Heck with paddling let's fix boat and DO THIS!

[Rachel]

@Chloe, when i was in group ( 2 groups) the subject of ASP came up many times. I have it with patterns and numbers as well as excited speaking, hand flapping when excited. I have learned to somewhat control it a lot of the times. It comes out when I am excited. Prozac has helped with the anxiety and rumination. I am able to experience life at a distance and not be so reactionary or impulsive.

I have been learning people skills my whole life. I am reading a book now about negotiation conversations.

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Thank you for the travel offer.
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Right now India, Thailand and Mexico and not good places to travel. I may ask Dr. McGinn for a price or a doctor that specializes in the procedure in the Philadelphia area. By the time I figure the cost of travel and accommodations and the cost for follow ups and if there is a surgical complication I may be better going to a doctor in the USA in my area.
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My natural colored hair is shinier than the colored hair part. I think the hair cuticle remained open when I did it and it gets frizzy. I put in a product and I get awesome curls ( Mark Anthony foam). Woman comment on my curls. So my natural hair is shinier and does not friz. It is just that I am 60% gray. I wish there was a rinse I could use to give the gray some blond color that does not mess with the hair cuticle.
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i think there is a party in 2 weeks by NYC. If I can I will be there. I have come a long way accepting myself, my body and getting over my shyness. I really love my body and I like to be with people. I still get a little anxious for a second but I get over it very fast. It is the whole getting undressed in front of people and being stealth. I have some anxious seconds until I am accepted and welcomed.

Rachel