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Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

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RandiL:
I’ve been posting on this site now for over three and a half years, but I never felt ready to start my own blog. I didn't have a sense of whether I was going anywhere with this, how long I'd be here, or if I could even come up with stuff to post regularly. Can't have Danielle stepping into the void, looking around hands on shapely hips, and saying, "Hey! Where are you!"  ;D

Well it looks like the time has come.

After over 40 years together, it became clear that my wife and I could not make this work. I moved out 5 weeks ago. We love each other, and get along really well when cooking, doing outdoor activities, traveling, etc.. Our sex life was satisfying. We are kindred souls…except this one thing. She only wants a man in her life and I’d been stressing her out. We will divorce. How did this happen?

I've worked with several therapists to try to sort myself out. I don't see any red flags looking back to childhood, adolescence or adulthood up until about 15 years ago, in my early 50's. Many of you "always knew" you were in the wrong gendered body. I didn't.

So starting 15 years ago, when my wife was away I’d sometimes wear her bras and fashion some “poor-man’s” breast forms. It started as a sexual thing, but eventually just became satisfying in a comforting, non-sexual way.

As these things so often develop, for Halloween in 2015, my wife dressed me as a witch in some of her black clothing including a skirt. We went to a neighborhood party. She still thinks I looked great as a witch.

The next year I proposed we both crossdress, me as female (seriously this time) and her as male. I found I could wear our daughter’s high school prom dress. This time we went to a public event at the local Fine Arts Center. It was fun for both of us. She enjoyed treating me like a woman, opening doors, etc. I was a striking figure at 6’2” in a white formal dress and got a lot of attention, although I did a horrible makeup job.

Shortly after this I came out to her, telling her I like to crossdress. She allowed me to dress from time to time and even helped me discover which of her dresses fit me. For her this was all in fun. For me it was quietly getting more and more serious.

First it was once or twice a week, usually for a workout — trail running or weights at the YMCA. Then 3 or 4 workouts a week. Then sometimes more. I tried to tamp it down, but I just couldn’t seem to control it. My wife wanted warning prior to my dressing femme, but due to a combination of shame and inconvenience I sometimes dressed anyway. This surprised her sometimes and she says she experienced PTSD from the shocking. She got more and more stressed, couldn’t sleep, digestive upset. We had several years of relationship counseling, particularly with a highly effective “Attachment” counselor. But finally this past August I shocked her one last time and it became clear we couldn’t continue.

Now that I’m in my own place, I dress as I feel, almost always femme. I’ve embarked upon full electrolysis. And I’ve begun HRT. It’s a new world, and although somewhat lonely (especially in the pandemic), it suits me. I’ll post more soon.

With thanks for the title of this blog to the late Jan Morris, from her 1974 memoir, Conundrum. More completely, the quote is:
"To myself I had been a woman all along, and I was not going to change the truth of me, only discard the falsity. But I was about to change my form and apparency...It is one of the most drastic of all human changes, unknown until our own times, and even now experienced by very few; but it seemed only natural to me, and I embarked upon it only with a sense of thankfulness, like a lost traveler finding the right road at last.”

Northern Star Girl:
@RandyL
Dear Randy:
Thank you for posting and sharing some of your personal details regarding your transition journey.

I am very saddened to read your report regarding the ending of your marriage relationship with your wife of 40 years.  I trust that both you and your wife can "move on" in a cordial manner.

As your new journal/blog followers digest the details that you wrote about in your first post you can expect more replies and comments as you continue to share.

I like how you referenced the (now late) Jan Morris and her book "Conundrum" and used that as the title for your new blog.
Very nicely done and definitely an appropriate title for your Blog.

I will be eagerly looking for your future posts and updates here on your new blog/journal and around the various threads around the forums.

HUGS and best wishes as you continue on in your journey. 
Danielle

Northern Star Girl:
@RandyL
Dear Randy:

I am so glad to see that you have started your very own Blog/Journal/Thread that is all about YOU, your journey, and your experiences !!!
Consider this your personal journal that you can share with your readers and followers here on the Forums.

I am very happy to read that you are now documenting your official transition journey with your very own personal Blog/Journal.
Yes indeed, I and the rest of your new followers to your new blog/thread here will want to see you post updates and even a few photos.

In addition to having several ongoing threads here I also keep and "old-school" pen&paper journal at home for my eyes only.  I include lots of venting and thoughts that I have and also include some colorful doodling and an occasional snap shot photo or two.  On a cold and rainy night in front of my fireplace I can find myself in my comfy chair reading my journal for hours, sometimes with tears of joy in my eyes and sometimes with tears of unhappiness. 
Your journals will be a very good form of therapy for yourself.   Keep them updated.

Having your very own personal journal thread here on the forums is very good therapy that allows you to not only safely vent about you disappointments and failures but also about your successes and your good experiences.

When you post good news, we are here to rejoice and be happy with you and when you report not-so-good news, we are here to listen and to lend our shoulder for you to lean on.
We are your biggest fans and are always rooting for your success and happiness.

Again, thank you for starting your very own thread, I will be eagerly looking for your updates and as you you feel so led to share them with us.

HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle

SarahEL:
Congratulations Randy on the brave step of starting your blog.. (and living as you too!)...
I understand the heartache when for your relationship there is only one course of action and that is to separate..
But, never feel you are alone.. We are all here.. following your progress and cheering you on wherever you may go...
Sending hugs... Sarah xx

CaelaNotKayla:
@RandyL

Randy-

Congratulations on starting your new blog- tempered with sadness on the news of your marriage...  One thing that I have learned this year is how much our lives are like doors- as the door to one part of your life closes you will find other doors opening, and your own path is on the other side.

Hugs!

Caela

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