Author Topic: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last  (Read 8827 times)

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Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #180 on: April 14, 2021, 11:15:09 pm »
My wife and I are trading cars tomorrow morning and she doesn't want to see me. I told her I pierced my ears (but I didn't send her the photo I posted above because I figured it would trigger her). So we will leave the cars outside my garage and do it sight unseen.

It saddens me a little; it's never a good feeling to be rejected. But it'll be Ok, and it's not really a surprise. She's made her feelings pretty clear over the past 5 months.

In good news I had a really encouraging session with my voice teacher today. She showed me how to access elements of my target voice, which I hadn't really been getting. All I have to do is sweetly channel talking to my (now deceased) dog. I guess I'll think of her often  :) :angel:
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Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #181 on: April 15, 2021, 07:22:26 am »
Randi, from what I've observed of you at Susan's, you strike me as fundamentally kind, so I think your wife is erring. Life is hard, so walking away from a fundamentally kind person is foolish.

By "hard" I mean that loss awaits all of us. If we're incredibly lucky, our friends and family will die when they're old and asleep, but who's that incredibly lucky? Planes crash. Cancer deforms. Time reduces us and we slowly socially disappear, dying in a way day by day. Murders happen. So, when you find someone kind, the wise cling to that person, to that RandiL. 

Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #182 on: April 15, 2021, 12:14:59 pm »
Randi, from what I've observed of you at Susan's, you strike me as fundamentally kind, so I think your wife is erring. Life is hard, so walking away from a fundamentally kind person is foolish.

By "hard" I mean that loss awaits all of us. If we're incredibly lucky, our friends and family will die when they're old and asleep, but who's that incredibly lucky? Planes crash. Cancer deforms. Time reduces us and we slowly socially disappear, dying in a way day by day. Murders happen. So, when you find someone kind, the wise cling to that person, to that RandiL.
Thank you O&C. You are very kind as well and I appreciate your perspective.

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Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #183 on: April 15, 2021, 01:19:39 pm »
Randi, from what I've observed of you at Susan's, you strike me as fundamentally kind, so I think your wife is erring. Life is hard, so walking away from a fundamentally kind person is foolish.

By "hard" I mean that loss awaits all of us. If we're incredibly lucky, our friends and family will die when they're old and asleep, but who's that incredibly lucky? Planes crash. Cancer deforms. Time reduces us and we slowly socially disappear, dying in a way day by day. Murders happen. So, when you find someone kind, the wise cling to that person, to that RandiL.

@Oldandcreaky
Perfectly stated and you are quite correct, not only regarding our
very dear and kind Forum's member @RandiL   ...
... but also about our own personal fates and what can possibly await any of us....

Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

... Below are scriptures from my Bible that describes my personal belief:

HUGS,
Danielle

- - - - - - - -
    Ecclesiastes 3:1-6    
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven— A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.

- - - - - - -
    James 4:14
Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

- - - - - - - -
« Last Edit: April 15, 2021, 02:49:30 pm by Northern Star Girl »
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Offline Pammie

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #184 on: April 15, 2021, 03:20:07 pm »
@Oldandcreaky
Perfectly stated and you are quite correct, not only regarding our
very dear and kind Forum's member @RandiL   ...
... but also about our own personal fates and what can possibly await any of us....

Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

... Below are scriptures from my Bible that describes my personal belief:

HUGS,
Danielle

- - - - - - - -
    Ecclesiastes 3:1-6    
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven— A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.

- - - - - - -
    James 4:14
Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

- - - - - - - -
Im very accepting of others beliefs and im sure others will reciprocate accordingly. Since my little girl was torn away from me im very clear that I believe in nothing and that it was not my little girls time to die.
That life is short is undoubtably true, that we must embrace our opportunities equally so.


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Online EllenW

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #185 on: April 15, 2021, 03:38:19 pm »
@Oldandcreaky & @Northern Star Girl

Thank you both for your responses to Randi. My situation is different than hers. But you thoughts are helpful to me as a navigate through my grief that I am feeling in loosing my love of my life. 

Ellen


By "hard" I mean that loss awaits all of us. If we're incredibly lucky, our friends and family will die when they're old and asleep, but who's that incredibly lucky? Planes crash. Cancer deforms. Time reduces us and we slowly socially disappear, dying in a way day by day. Murders happen. So, when you find someone kind, the wise cling to that person, to that RandiL. 

@Oldandcreaky

    Ecclesiastes 3:1-6    
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven— A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.

- - - - - - -
    James 4:14
Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

- - - - - - - -

Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #186 on: April 15, 2021, 04:06:49 pm »
Since my little girl was torn away from me im very clear that I believe in nothing and that it was not my little girls time to die.

No, it wasn't. But I don't think you believe in nothing, Pammie. You believe in people. You believe in the human spirit. I've seen how you are. You encourage people, you support people, you empathise with people. That is not someone who believes in nothing. You believe we can all be better than we are. And that is an admirable thing, sweetie. That's something to hold on to. That's something which made your Siobahn someone to be proud of. You don't have to believe in a deity to believe in something. *huggles*

Never lose that, okay? It makes you you.

My wife and I are trading cars tomorrow morning and she doesn't want to see me. I told her I pierced my ears (but I didn't send her the photo I posted above because I figured it would trigger her). So we will leave the cars outside my garage and do it sight unseen.

It saddens me a little; it's never a good feeling to be rejected. But it'll be Ok, and it's not really a surprise. She's made her feelings pretty clear over the past 5 months.

In good news I had a really encouraging session with my voice teacher today. She showed me how to access elements of my target voice, which I hadn't really been getting. All I have to do is sweetly channel talking to my (now deceased) dog. I guess I'll think of her often  :) :angel:

Randi, this isn't about you, sweetie. And as much as it may hurt... never blame yourself for any of this, okay? This is about her, and how she deals with stuff. You aren't responsible for that. We cannot be responsible for how other people react to, and deal with things, otherwise we'd never leave the house out of fear. All you can do is be who you are.

A lot of people just can't accept the idea that changing your physical sex doesn't mean changing who you are as a person. To them, everything is tied up in that one thing. The fundamentals of what makes you you... they haven't changed. I sometimes wonder about this. About why some people think that everything you are is tied up in your gender. I get the physical attraction thing. But when you fall in love with someone, you don't just fall in love with their anatomy. If you do... that isn't love. That's superficial. And to write off the 90% of someone because you can't deal with the other 10% seems somehow... wrong.

Maybe I'm just weird. Gender doesn't matter to me. But I know it does to a lot of people. Some way more than others. I don't really understand why. But regardless... Randi, you are beautiful, okay? You are. Never let anyone try to make you feel otherwise. If someone doesn't want you for you... they don't deserve you. <3

Offline Pammie

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #187 on: April 15, 2021, 04:44:25 pm »
No, it wasn't. But I don't think you believe in nothing, Pammie. You believe in people. You believe in the human spirit. I've seen how you are. You encourage people, you support people, you empathise with people. That is not someone who believes in nothing. You believe we can all be better than we are. And that is an admirable thing, sweetie. That's something to hold on to. That's something which made your Siobahn someone to be proud of. You don't have to believe in a deity to believe in something. *huggles*

Never lose that, okay? It makes you you.

Thank you Sephirah. And yes, ur right. I do believe in the human spirit but not any deity. Religion is an anachronism for me. Xxx


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Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #188 on: April 15, 2021, 10:47:00 pm »
Randi, this isn't about you, sweetie. And as much as it may hurt... never blame yourself for any of this, okay? This is about her, and how she deals with stuff. You aren't responsible for that. We cannot be responsible for how other people react to, and deal with things, otherwise we'd never leave the house out of fear. All you can do is be who you are.

A lot of people just can't accept the idea that changing your physical sex doesn't mean changing who you are as a person. To them, everything is tied up in that one thing. The fundamentals of what makes you you... they haven't changed. I sometimes wonder about this. About why some people think that everything you are is tied up in your gender. I get the physical attraction thing. But when you fall in love with someone, you don't just fall in love with their anatomy. If you do... that isn't love. That's superficial. And to write off the 90% of someone because you can't deal with the other 10% seems somehow... wrong.

Maybe I'm just weird. Gender doesn't matter to me. But I know it does to a lot of people. Some way more than others. I don't really understand why. But regardless... Randi, you are beautiful, okay? You are. Never let anyone try to make you feel otherwise. If someone doesn't want you for you... they don't deserve you. <3
Thank you Sephirah, and @Oldandcreaky and @Northern Star Girl and @Pammie and @EllenW. Wow, we all hit some chords there, no?

As you said Sephirah, gender is not really so important. Yes there is sex and sexuality. But by the time you reach my age  ;D sex is way less important than all the other aspects of a person. And their gender really isn't that big a deal to me. My wife used to ask me, "What if I became a man?" and all I could say was that I didn't think it would make much difference to me. Which didn't help the discussion move along ;)

I have to keep reminding myself that while I chose to move forward with my transition, she chose to break us up. I tried to keep us together, offered to just live together as family members rather than as spouses, travel together, whatever. Maybe she's just in the anger phase of grieving, but she's really put a large distance between us. Back in December I sent her a Christmas gift and a card, and she totally rejected the overture. Told me to keep it to business from now on. So I'm honoring that. And by now, I don't think I would be interested in reconciling even if she came around. My electrologist today wondered how we'll feel in 5 years (or 10 years? 20?). We share two wonderful adult children, so we will always be in each others' lives. I hope it can become cordial and without pain. I think that's about the best I can hope for.

Thanks everybody for reading and commenting. I love the interactions and different thoughts that come out here.
Hugs, Randi
Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #189 on: April 15, 2021, 11:23:53 pm »
I follow Dr. Z PhD on Youtube and find many of her videos to be helpful. This one feels like it speaks to a conundrum so many here go through. Come out or not? Start HRT or not? Tell my spouse/family or not? Come out at work or not? Surgery or not? So many decisions, and so much at stake.

But there is a limit to analysis. Lay out the things you are afraid of and for each one, assess how likely it is. And what would be the result if it came to pass. And then trade that off against moving ahead with your decision. Would you be better off moving ahead even if the bad thing happens? Then do it!

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #190 on: April 16, 2021, 07:01:09 am »
Randy I'm a little late but I absolutely agree with everyone, you are a wonderful person.  You should feel sorry for your wife for her inability to grow.  It is absolutely her loss.

It is great to read that you are prepared to move on.  I believe that you will have the happy and joyous that you deserve.

Warm hug,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #191 on: April 16, 2021, 07:42:49 am »
Randi, I separated from my spouse for two years when I moved to Boston for a two-year teaching fellowship and she stayed in the Midwest for her teaching career. I enjoyed the freedom of being a city girl in a flat with two other women. I'd often return home at midnight because there was so much to do each day. Hopefully, you'll reach a similar point where the world beckons and you're free to follow each breeze.

Offline TSL_NB

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #192 on: April 16, 2021, 03:28:54 pm »
Hey Randi, I would probably just be repeating what everyone else here said.

But, one thing I know for certain in my life, sis, and I think it applies to a lot of us.  If we didn't go forward, our families would not have us at all.  We wouldn't even be here writing to each other right now. 

Coming out and going forward saved our lives.  I'm glad we're here. :)
-Vivian
It took over 40 years to realise, and believe, that what I am NOT, is a mistake.

(Yes, I'm a Canadian who served in the US Navy....)


Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #193 on: April 16, 2021, 04:03:16 pm »
Thank you @Emma1017 I appreciate the encouragement.

Randi, I separated from my spouse for two years when I moved to Boston for a two-year teaching fellowship and she stayed in the Midwest for her teaching career. I enjoyed the freedom of being a city girl in a flat with two other women. I'd often return home at midnight because there was so much to do each day. Hopefully, you'll reach a similar point where the world beckons and you're free to follow each breeze.
O&C yes I look forward to such a time, once that breeze no longer carries such an infectious disease!

Hey Randi, I would probably just be repeating what everyone else here said.

But, one thing I know for certain in my life, sis, and I think it applies to a lot of us.  If we didn't go forward, our families would not have us at all.  We wouldn't even be here writing to each other right now. 

Coming out and going forward saved our lives.  I'm glad we're here. :)
-Vivian

Hey Vivian, thanks for the reminder. It's true based on the suicidal feelings I was going through a couple of years ago.

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Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #194 on: April 20, 2021, 12:57:40 pm »
I was sweeping the snow off my front walk this morning, dressed as in this photo. A neighbor drove slowly by in his big blue pickup, definitely looking at me. I smiled and waved. I'll try to stop and chat with him sometime if I can recognize him outside his truck.

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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #195 on: April 20, 2021, 05:29:41 pm »
I was sweeping the snow off my front walk this morning, dressed as in this photo. A neighbor drove slowly by in his big blue pickup, definitely looking at me. I smiled and waved. I'll try to stop and chat with him sometime if I can recognize him outside his truck.

What is it with you Americans and your giant trucks? In Britain, you literally cannot afford to run them. With petrol being almost $7.20 a gallon... you'd bankrupt yourself with some of the giant vehicles you folks use over the pond.

Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #196 on: April 20, 2021, 08:53:14 pm »
What is it with you Americans and your giant trucks? In Britain, you literally cannot afford to run them. With petrol being almost $7.20 a gallon... you'd bankrupt yourself with some of the giant vehicles you folks use over the pond.
I agree with you Sephirah. I drive a hybrid myself although it's not that great itself. My preferred solution, which I can do now that I live near the center of my small town is to walk, run or bike whenever I can.

I think a lot of people drive big trucks for ego reasons. Gas here is something under $3 per gallon. I'd like to see it go up, which usually sparks people to buy more efficient vehicles.

Thanks for chiming in. It's an important issue if we hope to survive.

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Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #197 on: April 20, 2021, 11:21:20 pm »
Assuming that was a genuine question rather than a rhetorical argument, I will try to offer some reasons so many Americans drive big trucks.

First of all, the difference in fuel price makes it affordable to drive a truck for most people here.  But, a lot of people who only need a truck some of the time can only reasonably have one vehicle.  So, they buy an SUV or a truck.  Chevy Tahoe's and Ford Broncos are utility vehicles, that fit well with the lifestyle in relatively small town America.

I have a Sierra 1500 4WD.  I own timber land, and the roads (particularly when logging trucks are getting the trees out) are rough and prone to getting you stuck.  A 4 wheel drive truck is effective enough at handling the rugged, muddy "road".  Or, maybe you want to use an ATV for that.  You are going to need something to tow that ATV.  And, you are going to need to leave the paved road and drive onto the property.  So, you are going to need a truck to pull that ATV trailer.

My niece is engaged to a young man that sells real estate (timber tracts).  He needs the truck he drives to show properties. 

My contractor drives a truck to pull trailers and to haul supplies in the back.  A lot of the trucks on the road here are "work trucks".  Maybe they are used to tow a trailer with a Bobcat, a mini-excavator, or a farm tractor.  Maybe they need them to haul 55 gallon oil drums, plants for landscaping or lumber.   

Most men in my area hunt, and therefore drive their vehicles off road.  There aren't too many trucks where I live that never leave the paved road, and those that do fit that description are generally used to carry a load or pull a heavy trailer.

Some people have them just for pulling trailers (like boat trailers).  If you have a boat that weighs 3,000-5,000 pounds (and a LOT of people around here do) a car will not safely pull it (or more precisely, won't have the power to pull up hills, and won't have the braking to stop the vehicle in a safe distance).   

Now, I have a car also.  The car gets much better gas mileage.  When I am not hauling a load, or going off road, I take the car.  I used my truck today to pull my trailer to take items to storage.  If I am going fishing in my bass boat, or to the lake with the ski boat, or pulling the Wave Runners somewhere, I need a truck. 

If you live in NYC, or LA, and you don't need to haul heavy payloads, you probably don't need a truck.  If you live in the places that those from big cities call "fly over country", you probably need at least one truck in your household.  If you can't afford two vehicles for yourself, the practical solution is to drive the truck everywhere. 

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #198 on: April 20, 2021, 11:27:00 pm »
BTW, how do people in Europe transport horses, cattle, big round bales of hay?  How do they pull their farm tractor from one field to the other?  How do they pull their boats?  How would a load of lumber be delivered to a construction site?  I suspect that they use trucks for that.  And, while they may not have a pickup truck, they probably have some sort of truck (perhaps a flat bed truck or a box truck?  Which do you think gets better gas mileage and makes for a more practical solution for a personal/work truck?  Driving everywhere in a flat bed truck?  Or, a pickup truck?

Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #199 on: April 21, 2021, 11:56:49 am »
Thanks Rachel, those are all very good reasons for owning and driving a pickup truck. I live around a relatively large city in snow country. AWD or 4WD vehicles make a lot of sense here. My wife's house is in a neighborhood where this is pretty much a necessity throughout the winter. That said few of the neighbors drive trucks daily because their traction when empty is very poor. An SUV is much safer. Subarus are very popular here.

My informal criterion when looking at a truck is, is it always clean? Perhaps the person legitimately needs to haul loads sometimes, especially a trailer on weekends. But contractors and workmen (and those like Rachel who have to go off-road) usually have a fairly dirty vehicle at least part of the time.

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