Author Topic: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last  (Read 11472 times)

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Offline Sephirah

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #240 on: June 07, 2021, 04:59:25 pm »
I hosted some friends from my long-quiescent jam group here at my apartment this afternoon. One of the women is probably my closest friend with whom I feel complete acceptance and ease. She had not seen me in months although I walk with her husband weekly.

I wore a dark blue flowy skirt and a red knit top.

After she returned home she admitted in an email to having felt anxious about seeing me. But she quickly felt at ease as she realized I'm still mostly the same person, just in a happier version. I guess even with people who know, love and accept us this is still a process full of unknowns and fears. It helps me to be reminded that my friends really don't understand this. Not that I'm a wizard myself

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To quote Orlando, from the movie: "Same person. No difference at all... just a different sex."

You don't change you... you become you. The layers that were buried, hidden beneath layers of denial, shame, guilt, insecurity get revealed. You were always you. You can't be anyone else. You get the same chance at a life that everyone else has by virtue of being born.

Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #241 on: June 11, 2021, 10:02:06 pm »
Last night I had my usual two Thursday Zoom support group meetings. At the first one, with about 15 trans women, the moderator misgendered me early in the meeting. It's like, "Hello, we're all women here!" I didn't call her on it because things were moving fast but it was a little irritating. Over the course of the meeting she misgendered several more women, so at least I knew it wasn't personal. She did eventually apologize.

In my second, smaller meeting (only 3 of us) one of the women misgendered me too. She apologized and we moved on. It's the second time she has done that. I know I'm still a long way from passing, and it doesn't help that I'm about 25 years older than either of them, and they are both farther into their transitions. I didn't worry much about it, but this morning there was a heartfelt apology email from her. Somehow it really hit me then and I cried. It can be discouraging for sure.

Today I was volunteering at packet pickup for a race. We were under a canopy and I kept hitting my head on the frame that hangs down in the middle. Nobody else came close to hitting it. I was the comic relief, not that it's my goal, but we had a lot of fun. Now that I think about it, everybody else was female too. It felt great to be accepted in the group and be able to have good conversations.

However I was universally seen as male. Got a lot of sirs and other male gendering.

Oh well, just gonna be times like this I guess.

On the plus side of the ledger I had a 4 hour electrolysis session yesterday. I wore a nice skirt, sandals and a scoop neck top. Afterwards I went to Home Depot for some shopping therapy (yeah weird, I know) and while I was looking at LED lamps for the kitchen a woman squeezed past me in the aisle with, "Excuse me ma'am." I try to remember back to that.

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My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Sephirah

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #242 on: June 12, 2021, 02:04:58 pm »
Now that I think about it, everybody else was female too. It felt great to be accepted in the group and be able to have good conversations.

However I was universally seen as male. Got a lot of sirs and other male gendering.

The second part isn't always the case in terms of the first, sweetie. A lot of how we communicate and the vibe we give off to other people doesn't come from how we look or what we say. When you feel comfortable and able to be yourself, the feeling you give off to those around you may be at odds with what someone's visual cues are telling them. So, as humans, we act in a way that may be contrary to how we otherwise would because it comes from a much more primal place. A place that bypasses the conscious mind entirely and resides in the emotional centre of our psyche. The place which reads people on a far deeper level.

Actions speak louder than words. Look at the first part again. :) As you continue realising yourself, I am confident the two will align more and more, sweetie. Keep going, okay?

*massive hugs*

Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #243 on: June 12, 2021, 02:19:01 pm »


...A lot of how we communicate and the vibe we give off to other people doesn't come from how we look or what we say. When you feel comfortable and able to be yourself, the feeling you give off to those around you may be at odds with what someone's visual cues are telling them.
...
*massive hugs*

Thank you for the reminder, Sephirah. I am definitely feeling more comfortable and happier in myself, despite occasional bad days. There's no question I was much more present and even initiating conversations (wow for Lil Old Introvert Me) feeling this way.

And thank you for the hugs. Big hugs back you you

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My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Emma1017

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #244 on: June 13, 2021, 09:44:15 am »


"...even initiating conversations (wow for Lil Old Introvert Me) feeling this way."

So cool Randi!!!

I am in on the hugs. :D

Hugs,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #245 on: June 27, 2021, 09:46:32 pm »
In my June 11 post above I mentioned being misgendered twice in separate trans women support groups. The misgendering itself didn't bother me too much although the context of exclusively transwomen made it a little unusual.

What really hit me though was the heartfelt apology from one of the women the next morning.

Why I bring this up now is that later that day I gradually became aware of heart palpitations. I attributed it to stress, from the misgendering and from the 10 Mile race coming up in 2 days. I figured it would pass by Sunday afternoon.

Well it didn't. By Wednesday I called my doctor and they said I had to go the Emergency Room. I got there in mid afternoon. It was a six hour odyssey (I guess the initial triage indicated I was not going to keel over right away). A dozen blood tests, an EKG, a chest x-ray. None of the usual suspects or critically dangerous things turned up, so I was released with an appointment to see a cardiologist and my primary care doctor.

Interestingly the chest x-ray turned up evidence that could indicate asthma or COPD. I've never felt that I had breathing problems, but I did find myself wheezing in my race the previous Sunday.

Another interesting symptom was that both my feet and ankles were swollen.

I did contact my HRT doctor but she didn't think my HRT would lead to these symptoms.

My friends and family have come up with some interesting theories about why I am having these problems, including long Covid (I'm not aware I ever had it, but I could have had an asymptomatic case), sulphur dioxide pollution from the nearby coal power plant, or genetic predisposition similarity to another family member.

But the best candidate is probably stress. As my sister pointed out, I have quite a few indicators: divorce, moving, the pandemic and isolation, transition and my upcoming coming out at work.

It'll be interesting to see what the doctors think.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.
Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #246 on: June 27, 2021, 09:57:43 pm »
Ok after all that medical stuff in the prior post making it sound like I'm on my last legs, here's the highlight of my day, high in the mountains above my town. The burn scar has greened up nicely with all the rain we've had this month.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #247 on: June 27, 2021, 10:41:03 pm »
@RandiL
Dear Randi:
I am so very glad that you submitted your followup posting showing you hiking up on the mountain trails.... looking quite healthy.

Right after I read your previous post it indeed sounded like you were on your last legs as you described some of the medical symptoms your are experiencing.
I am glad that you got your doctors involved and got checked out at the hospital....
... as one of your avid followers I will be anxiously looking for your future posts with the results of your visits to your Cardiologist and regular Doctor.

I wish you well and I will be thinking of you and praying for your well being.
HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
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Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #248 on: June 27, 2021, 11:24:57 pm »



The best candidate is probably stress. As my sister pointed out, I have quite a few indicators: divorce, moving, the pandemic and isolation, transition and my upcoming coming out at work.

It'll be interesting to see what the doctors think.



Randi, it's a wonder your head don't asplode for all the stress you're living with.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #249 on: June 29, 2021, 12:01:34 am »
In public I've been gendered every which way in the past few days. I don't know what to think; maybe the HRT is having some effect, maybe it's my attitude, maybe it's luck (good and bad).

I was walking down the street under an umbrella, wearing black male sandals, jeans, a fleece top and raincoat, and my usual hat. Not trying to present in any particular manner at all. A man obviously clocked me as trans and mocked me. I didn't figure it out until I was past.

This afternoon I went to collect water at the mineral spring. As I arrived a jeep tour pulled up and the guide started his spiel to his six clients. He was probably older than me, dressed traditionally western and with a battered cowboy hat. When he saw me with my armload of water jugs he greeted me and seamlessly referred to me as "this lady" along with proper pronouns. That was gratifying especially coming from somebody like him. Of course as a professional guide he may already be accustomed to proper gendering behavior.

A few minutes later a man arrived with his son for photos at the spring. I stepped back to give them room, and as he left he said, "Thank you sir."
Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Maddie

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #250 on: June 29, 2021, 03:58:13 am »
Hi Randi.

Glad you're able to hike!
Hopefully higher to above the stresses that might be causing your health issues.

Hoping you get some handle on the symptoms and causes.

Being misgendered can be so disheartening. 
Especially when it happens in a place where you'd think it wouldn't.

 (We) Gonna have to be strong .  Each day and forever. 
Sometimes I just cry about it.

You're right to hold on to the times we are shown acceptance as ourselves.
 Those feel good.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #251 on: June 29, 2021, 06:20:18 am »
Randi, when my spouse's ankles and feet were swollen, that was caused by congestive heart failure. Are they still swollen?

Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #252 on: June 29, 2021, 01:03:42 pm »
Randi, when my spouse's ankles and feet were swollen, that was caused by congestive heart failure. Are they still swollen?
Yes they swell when I'm static, such as working at my desk. When I get active the swelling goes away. I will make sure the doctors know about it. Thanks for checking.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #253 on: June 29, 2021, 01:06:03 pm »
Hi Randi.

Glad you're able to hike!
Hopefully higher to above the stresses that might be causing your health issues.

Hoping you get some handle on the symptoms and causes.

Being misgendered can be so disheartening. 
Especially when it happens in a place where you'd think it wouldn't.

 (We) Gonna have to be strong .  Each day and forever. 
Sometimes I just cry about it.

You're right to hold on to the times we are shown acceptance as ourselves.
 Those feel good.
Thanks for the encouragement, Maddie. Yes we have to focus on the good interactions and let the others go. It's a blow to the ego. My Buddhist friends have a head start on this but it's a struggle even for them.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #254 on: June 29, 2021, 02:48:23 pm »


In public I've been gendered every which way in the past few days.

I was walking down the street.... Not trying to present in any particular manner at all. A man obviously clocked me as trans and mocked me.

This afternoon I went to collect water at the mineral spring. As I arrived a jeep tour pulled up and the guide... seamlessly referred to me as "this lady" along with proper pronouns.

A few minutes later a man arrived with his son for photos at the spring. I stepped back to give them room, and as he left he said, "Thank you sir."

The whiplash will kill you, won't it?

I was at my hardware store over the weekend.  The kid who helped me called me "ma'am," and as I stood in one of the two lines to pay, a woman in the other line gave me one of those smiles women give each other.

And then the fella in front of me got to the counter, realized he'd forgotten something, and, jerking his thumb over his shoulder at me, told the cashier to "go ahead and help that guy."

Jerk.

Okay, fine. Dude's got issues, his problems aren't my problems, and two out of three ain't bad. I'm not sweating it. The real Battle Goddess wouldn't waste Her time on him - I wasn't about to, either.

But shoot. I was wearing a nice blouse, my eye makeup was good, my mask was obscuring my big gorilla jawline...

Sometimes you just can't win.

"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #255 on: June 30, 2021, 01:57:32 pm »
In public I've been gendered every which way in the past few days. I don't know what to think; maybe the HRT is having some effect, maybe it's my attitude, maybe it's luck (good and bad).

I was walking down the street under an umbrella, wearing black male sandals, jeans, a fleece top and raincoat, and my usual hat. Not trying to present in any particular manner at all. A man obviously clocked me as trans and mocked me. I didn't figure it out until I was past.

This afternoon I went to collect water at the mineral spring. As I arrived a jeep tour pulled up and the guide started his spiel to his six clients. He was probably older than me, dressed traditionally western and with a battered cowboy hat. When he saw me with my armload of water jugs he greeted me and seamlessly referred to me as "this lady" along with proper pronouns. That was gratifying especially coming from somebody like him. Of course as a professional guide he may already be accustomed to proper gendering behavior.

A few minutes later a man arrived with his son for photos at the spring. I stepped back to give them room, and as he left he said, "Thank you sir."

This kind of proves a point. Don't always think something is about you. Reality is perception. And everyone's perception is different. It's hard to shrug it off at times, but understanding this helps a lot. Trans folks tend to often think that if they get misgendered, it's their fault. That they're doing something wrong or not trying hard enough. It isn't always. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That could be extrapolated to "reality is in the eye of the beholder."

It isn't always about you, or how you look. Even cis people get misgendered because that's just how the person observing is. So don't take it to heart. :)

Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #256 on: June 30, 2021, 05:20:44 pm »
This kind of proves a point. Don't always think something is about you. Reality is perception. And everyone's perception is different. It's hard to shrug it off at times, but understanding this helps a lot. Trans folks tend to often think that if they get misgendered, it's their fault. That they're doing something wrong or not trying hard enough. It isn't always. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That could be extrapolated to "reality is in the eye of the beholder."

It isn't always about you, or how you look. Even cis people get misgendered because that's just how the person observing is. So don't take it to heart. :)
Thanks Sephirah. That's a good perspective to keep in mind. I'll try

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

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Offline Jessica_Rose

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #257 on: June 30, 2021, 06:58:35 pm »
It isn't easy Randi, especially the first year or two. I always wore makeup, and clothes which were difficult to mistake as anything other than women's clothing. Even then, I was occasionally misgendered. To some it may seem shallow, but that is one of the reasons I had a breast augmentation. People rarely say 'sir' while staring at a pair of D-cups. Confidence in who you are goes a long way too. Whenever you walk into a room, own it. Don't be shy or timid. Like going into the ladies room -- don't just 'think' you belong there, 'know' you belong there. You've already come a long way, one day you will wake up and realize you have reached your destination. Stay strong my sister.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #258 on: July 01, 2021, 11:31:13 am »
It isn't easy Randi, especially the first year or two. I always wore makeup, and clothes which were difficult to mistake as anything other than women's clothing. Even then, I was occasionally misgendered. To some it may seem shallow, but that is one of the reasons I had a breast augmentation. People rarely say 'sir' while staring at a pair of D-cups. Confidence in who you are goes a long way too. Whenever you walk into a room, own it. Don't be shy or timid. Like going into the ladies room -- don't just 'think' you belong there, 'know' you belong there. You've already come a long way, one day you will wake up and realize you have reached your destination. Stay strong my sister.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Thanks Jess, that's good advice. I plan to dress nicely and with makeup for at least the first period when we return to the office in August.

Confidence! So important. I'll embrace that.
Hugs,
Randi

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline RandiL

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Re: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last
« Reply #259 on: July 02, 2021, 08:48:28 pm »
I received the divorce papers from my wife's attorney on June 23rd. We had discussed it, so it's not a surprise. I am going to engage an attorney as a legal consultant to review everything but not as my representative. Since I think we agree on pretty much everything, I hope it will go Ok like this. If it goes off the rails my attorney can step in, for much more money.

Now I have to document everything in my life and put it all in writing. I think I have a good start, but I have to track down account numbers, addresses, etc. What a pain!

Sometime in mid to late September it should all be over, and I'll be glad to have it behind me.

Some time in late summer I'll begin the name change process.
Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


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