Topic: Randy the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

[CaelaNotKayla]

It's been 8 days since my trail running fall, and my chest still hurts on the right side. Right behind my growing breast, but I don't think it's related since the left one has no such feeling. Most likely I strained the pec muscle, although possibly I broke a rib. Either way, time is the healer (hopefully!). My right wrist still hurts a bit at certain angles, but it's much better now. I'm always amazed when I fall and don't bash in my teeth or get knocked out on a rock. Just "lucky" I guess 

I'm enjoying mild weather in Scottsdale, AZ (Phoenix area) for a little while. Hiking, biking, trail running (uh oh). It's a hard time for travel actually, if you're not willing to eat in restaurants. I have some food I can make in my kitchen, but I'm always missing some crucial ingredient (hard cheese! tortillas! beans!). Mostly I get takeout for dinner but it's not the same by the time I get it back to my place.

I've been attacked by cholla cactus twice now when I stepped off the trail to pee. Guess they're the guardians of the ecosystem? If you've never been privileged to encounter one of these, they have these spiky nodules that stick into you and come along for the ride. They're so sharp that you often don't even notice they're stuck in your leg, but their spines stick out in all directions and if you accidentally brush against it with your hand you'll know it for sure! And now you're in a cat-in-the-hat situation unless you have pliers to pull them out (note to self: pack pliers).

Time will heal-  sometimes not as fast as we like though....  Hugs Randy, and our thoughts for continued healing!

Up here everything is closed for inside dining- so places have become tent cities outside the restaurants that are open.... trying to provide a dry place while still allowing open airflow.  Not quite the most perfect situation for an area known worldwide for our rainy windy season....  Send us some of the mild weather please!!!

I've never had the pleasure of running into Cholla Cactus- brushing into a Sea Urchin at 30ft deep was bad enough for me!  Keep the pliers in your go bag (and the meat tenderizer in case you run into a Sea Urchin!!)

Hugs!!

Caela

[RandyL]

Thanks for your well-wishes @davina61 @TSL_NB and @CaelaNotKayla

I went for a two-hour mountain bike ride on single-track trails this afternoon and didn't fall, nor did I attract any cholla! I must be living right. Well there's always tomorrow 

[RandyL]

Returned home without incident, now back in bracing Colorado weather. Hopefully I didn't pick up Covid -- Arizona has very high levels right now, but I was careful.

Came out to my dentist's office today. They were all accepting, and the dentist herself was full of chatter about her cousin's transgender daughter and how well it is going for her (she transitioned at 16, lucky girl!).

My wife returns from her lengthy sojourn with her sister in upstate New York. I don't know when I'll actually see her. May take the opportunity to let her quarantine for at least a week after flying. I guess I'll be off cat duty going forward.

I had to sweep the snow off her driveway twice in the past couple of days. The cat was so lonely that he accompanied me all the way up and back down (it's a long uphill driveway), meowing all the way. He really likes to go outside (we got him as a stray) but we try to limit it due to his dangers to and from birds. He was once attacked and seriously injured by a hawk, probably a red tail. If nothing else, it gets expensive!

Blood test results and consultation today (see my HRT Journal for details). My testosterone is way down into the target range, but my estradiol level is too low.

[Northern Star Girl]

@RandyL
Dear Randy:
Thank you for posting your latest update.
I am glad that you returned safely from your Arizona (warming your bones) trip.....   I also hope that you were able to stay away from picking up Covid during your trip.

Oh, and your wife returning from New York... another hotbed of Covid....

Please, both of you be very careful and get tested if you suspect any symptoms.

Ah, coming out to your Dentist... hearing that always has warm memories for me because it was after a few appointments with my Dentist and Dental Hygienist, I found out that they already had suspicions about me being a transgender woman ... all of that was based on them looking at my mouth and teeth.
Some details in my Link:
                    I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle’s Chronicles
    https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2123977.html#msg2123977

You mentioned "sweeping" the snow off of your driveway.... based on that I suspect that you only had a few inches of snow....   my driveway needs a snowblower and/or snowplow ...  still lots of snow and cold winter weather here and winter will be around here for another month or two, or more.

I read your HRT Journal update and have posted my reply to your last update there.

Again, thank you for sharing and posting...

... and please stay safe and stay healthy....   
........and no more falling, as the body gets older it is easier to do more damage!!

HUGS
Danielle

[CaelaNotKayla]

Returned home without incident, now back in bracing Colorado weather. Hopefully I didn't pick up Covid -- Arizona has very high levels right now, but I was careful.

Came out to my dentist's office today. They were all accepting, and the dentist herself was full of chatter about her cousin's transgender daughter and how well it is going for her (she transitioned at 16, lucky girl!).

My wife returns from her lengthy sojourn with her sister in upstate New York. I don't know when I'll actually see her. May take the opportunity to let her quarantine for at least a week after flying. I guess I'll be off cat duty going forward.

I had to sweep the snow off her driveway twice in the past couple of days. The cat was so lonely that he accompanied me all the way up and back down (it's a long uphill driveway), meowing all the way. He really likes to go outside (we got him as a stray) but we try to limit it due to his dangers to and from birds. He was once attacked and seriously injured by a hawk, probably a red tail. If nothing else, it gets expensive!

Blood test results and consultation today (see my HRT Journal for details). My testosterone is way down into the target range, but my estradiol level is too low.

Randy-

No matter how much fun I have on a trip it's always good to be home- and like Danielle I hope that you and your wife's travels have stayed free of the virus.

Hugs!!

Caela

[TSL_NB]

Returned home without incident, now back in bracing Colorado weather. Hopefully I didn't pick up Covid -- Arizona has very high levels right now, but I was careful.

Came out to my dentist's office today. They were all accepting, and the dentist herself was full of chatter about her cousin's transgender daughter and how well it is going for her (she transitioned at 16, lucky girl!).

My wife returns from her lengthy sojourn with her sister in upstate New York. I don't know when I'll actually see her. May take the opportunity to let her quarantine for at least a week after flying. I guess I'll be off cat duty going forward.

I had to sweep the snow off her driveway twice in the past couple of days. The cat was so lonely that he accompanied me all the way up and back down (it's a long uphill driveway), meowing all the way. He really likes to go outside (we got him as a stray) but we try to limit it due to his dangers to and from birds. He was once attacked and seriously injured by a hawk, probably a red tail. If nothing else, it gets expensive!

Blood test results and consultation today (see my HRT Journal for details). My testosterone is way down into the target range, but my estradiol level is too low.

I'm glad you were able to travel....that's something, amid the daily chaos, I'd really like to do when we can.

Yeah, I know all about birds swooping down on pets.  We have a lot of hawks, ospreys, and bald eagles (I never saw one in the US, only here!).  Our cats stay indoors, anyway, but the chihuahuas being outside?  Only if another human is with them.

[RandyL]

Yeah, I know all about birds swooping down on pets.  We have a lot of hawks, ospreys, and bald eagles (I never saw one in the US, only here!).  Our cats stay indoors, anyway, but the chihuahuas being outside?  Only if another human is with them.

I was running at the Air Force Academy once many years ago. My 35-pound dalmatian mix dog was running about 20 yards ahead of me, when a golden eagle swooped low right over her, then kept going. Nothing I could do, and the dog never knew it happened. I pondered that pass for a long time, and concluded that the eagle wasn't sure from a distance how big the dog was, so it approached and then decided it was too big.

That dog was luckier than my 45-pound standard poodle that was killed by a mountain lion a short distance from my house. But the dog deserved it in a sense, because she found the lion's cached deer kill, and the lion said, "Nope, that's mine!", killed her from behind (two bites) and dragged her away from the kill. No blood, so I think it was quick. Really my own fault for letting my dog off leash.

[RandyL]

In therapy this morning, I was pondering about my uncertainty about where I am going. I definitely want to leave my male presentation behind. I don't want to be "he/him" nor be referred to as "sir"! But am I going to "they/them" or "she/her"? I have to say, I aspire toward the feminine presentation. I am on HRT, clearing facial hair with electrolysis, and now starting voice lessons. And I wear only feminine clothing, if not skirts or dresses very often.

My therapist, who is AMAB non-binary, mentioned how presentation (or performance) is different than self identity. I know some of you on here understood this a long time ago, but I'm still winding my way through the maze. So this suggests the possibility of presenting fully female (or as far as I ever get), but does not force me to decide on my identity, now or possibly ever. I can just be "me". Not sure what my passport should say though 

[davina61]

Well I present female (as much as passing allows) all the time and that never stops me being me, but then I have never been a fully paid up member of the male club!

[CaelaNotKayla]

In therapy this morning, I was pondering about my uncertainty about where I am going. I definitely want to leave my male presentation behind. I don't want to be "he/him" nor be referred to as "sir"! But am I going to "they/them" or "she/her"? I have to say, I aspire toward the feminine presentation. I am on HRT, clearing facial hair with electrolysis, and now starting voice lessons. And I wear only feminine clothing, if not skirts or dresses very often.

My therapist, who is AMAB non-binary, mentioned how presentation (or performance) is different than self identity. I know some of you on here understood this a long time ago, but I'm still winding my way through the maze. So this suggests the possibility of presenting fully female (or as far as I ever get), but does not force me to decide on my identity, now or possibly ever. I can just be "me". Not sure what my passport should say though 

I think we all get presentation and identity mixed up the same way we often get gender and sexuality mixed up.  We are all wonderful individuals and can check the box differently in every category if that is more in alignment with our true selves.  For me I generally present female, and generally identify non-binary- but I also realize that I'm still on the journey and that could shift as I continue self-exploration.

Hugs Randy as your own path through the maze becomes clearer!

Hugs!!

Caela

[RandyL]

...
Hugs Randy as your own path through the maze becomes clearer!

Hugs!!

Caela

Thanks Caela! I think I need a periscope to see over the walls of the maze


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[Pammie]

Thanks Caela! I think I need a periscope to see over the walls of the maze


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Before I joined Susan’s I thought just being trans was very complicated but now I realise that im lucky in that my gender identity is female and I live a very simple life where identity = presentation at all times.
I would like to offer supporting hugs for those who have much more complex paths to travel


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[RandyL]

Before I joined Susan’s I thought just being trans was very complicated but now I realise that im lucky in that my gender identity is female and I live a very simple life where identity = presentation at all times.
I would like to offer supporting hugs for those who have much more complex paths to travel


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Thanks Pammie. I'm wondering if my title for this thread is over optimistic -- am I really on the right road? Oh well, at least it's a road!

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[Northern Star Girl]

@RandyL
Dear Randy
The title of your blog/thread is perfect in the sense that it is your road, your personal road, and it is unique and it is your road alone.

As transition journey travelers we certainly do, at times, question ourselves and sometimes wonder if we are doing the correct things as we navigate the bumps and potholes.... but somehow we make it to the other end of our road. 

With the help of a qualified therapist if need be,  and the accepting friends that you make IRL, and the supportive forums friends that you have developed here by sharing your life and your thoughts.... and by reading how others are "traveling" in their journeys and reading what potholes and bumps that they experience... you can get some solace knowing that you are not alone in the things that occupy your mind.   The light at the end of the tunnel means that you can see the end of the tunnel.   No oncoming trains!!!!

Please keep sharing and venting... that is what your personal blog thread is best for.  Writing things out allows you to ponder and postulate positive steps as you continue on traveling your road.

HUGS and my very best wishes to you...
Danielle

Thanks Pammie. I'm wondering if my title for this thread is over optimistic -- am I really on the right road? Oh well, at least it's a road!

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[Pammie]

Thanks Pammie. I'm wondering if my title for this thread is over optimistic -- am I really on the right road? Oh well, at least it's a road!

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It seems to me that you have achieved an incredible self-awareness that is helping you find and navigate your road. It feels to me that your thread title is just fine! Xx


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[TSL_NB]

It seems to me that you have achieved an incredible self-awareness that is helping you find and navigate your road. It feels to me that your thread title is just fine! Xx


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Hey Randy, I second what Pammie said - I think the blog title is a good fit.
-Vivian

[RandyL]

Thanks @Pammie, @Northern Star Girl and @TSL_NB. I really appreciate your positive thoughts and encouragement. From inside my head, it can be hard to appreciate how I'm coming along.

I'm beginning to come to terms with my so-far non-decision about pronouns. I used to tell everyone that I didn't care, use any pronouns you want to. More recently I've acknowledged that I was leaving behind my male pronouns and self. Don't "sir" me! Of course I don't get much cooperation on that from random retail clerks and so forth.

Now I'm starting to admit to myself that I really do see myself going in a female direction. I'm not yet to the point where I feel like I "am" a woman. But I think I see that time coming.

Interesting bit that helped me see this for myself -- my college class (1975!) sent a request for status updates for the forthcoming alumni magazine. Without much difficulty I took the plunge and wrote something like this (wish I'd copied the text before I sent it):

"I am transitioning to female. Life is too short to deny myself. Genuinely curious questions and supportive comments welcome!"

I can't remember the rest...mentioned how the younger generations are ahead of my generation on understanding this. Also an inside joke that "I am not in blimp pilot school." alluding to a couple of college friends of mine who got in the alumni magazine back in the late 1970's saying that they were at the "Goodyear Blimp Pilot Training School" -- which was an obvious joke if you knew them but it got published.

Female? Well, I've had over 30 hours of electrolysis on my face. I'm in voice lessons. I'm on HRT. I wear only clothing designed for females. Maybe there's a clue there

Our mutual psychologist matched me to another trans woman patient of theirs recently (with my permission, they gave my contact info to the other person who then contacted me). We met yesterday and walked on trails for an hour or so. It was her first time meeting another trans person, so I was gratified that I could help her out that way. I remember the first trans woman I met, some years ago. We're both early in the process, but she's out at work, which is a step ahead of me. Nice to know another person.

[Pammie]

Thanks @Pammie, @Northern Star Girl and @TSL_NB. I really appreciate your positive thoughts and encouragement. From inside my head, it can be hard to appreciate how I'm coming along.

I'm beginning to come to terms with my so-far non-decision about pronouns. I used to tell everyone that I didn't care, use any pronouns you want to. More recently I've acknowledged that I was leaving behind my male pronouns and self. Don't "sir" me! Of course I don't get much cooperation on that from random retail clerks and so forth.

Now I'm starting to admit to myself that I really do see myself going in a female direction. I'm not yet to the point where I feel like I "am" a woman. But I think I see that time coming.

Interesting bit that helped me see this for myself -- my college class (1975!) sent a request for status updates for the forthcoming alumni magazine. Without much difficulty I took the plunge and wrote something like this (wish I'd copied the text before I sent it):

"I am transitioning to female. Life is too short to deny myself. Genuinely curious questions and supportive comments welcome!"

I can't remember the rest...mentioned how the younger generations are ahead of my generation on understanding this. Also an inside joke that "I am not in blimp pilot school." alluding to a couple of college friends of mine who got in the alumni magazine back in the late 1970's saying that they were at the "Goodyear Blimp Pilot Training School" -- which was an obvious joke if you knew them but it got published.

Female? Well, I've had over 30 hours of electrolysis on my face. I'm in voice lessons. I'm on HRT. I wear only clothing designed for females. Maybe there's a clue there

Our mutual psychologist matched me to another trans woman patient of theirs recently (with my permission, they gave my contact info to the other person who then contacted me). We met yesterday and walked on trails for an hour or so. It was her first time meeting another trans person, so I was gratified that I could help her out that way. I remember the first trans woman I met, some years ago. We're both early in the process, but she's out at work, which is a step ahead of me. Nice to know another person.

That’s really positive on all counts! Go you! It’s really good how aware you are and how you are deciding yourself the pace you are going at. It can be hard to not rush things I think.
I met another trans woman via a very similar route but we didn’t really hit it off. Of course I recognised that there are lots of factors in 2 people becoming friends and just the fact of both being MTF trans is no guarantee of friendship


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[CaelaNotKayla]

Thanks @Pammie, @Northern Star Girl and @TSL_NB. I really appreciate your positive thoughts and encouragement. From inside my head, it can be hard to appreciate how I'm coming along.

I'm beginning to come to terms with my so-far non-decision about pronouns. I used to tell everyone that I didn't care, use any pronouns you want to. More recently I've acknowledged that I was leaving behind my male pronouns and self. Don't "sir" me! Of course I don't get much cooperation on that from random retail clerks and so forth.

Now I'm starting to admit to myself that I really do see myself going in a female direction. I'm not yet to the point where I feel like I "am" a woman. But I think I see that time coming.

Interesting bit that helped me see this for myself -- my college class (1975!) sent a request for status updates for the forthcoming alumni magazine. Without much difficulty I took the plunge and wrote something like this (wish I'd copied the text before I sent it):

"I am transitioning to female. Life is too short to deny myself. Genuinely curious questions and supportive comments welcome!"

I can't remember the rest...mentioned how the younger generations are ahead of my generation on understanding this. Also an inside joke that "I am not in blimp pilot school." alluding to a couple of college friends of mine who got in the alumni magazine back in the late 1970's saying that they were at the "Goodyear Blimp Pilot Training School" -- which was an obvious joke if you knew them but it got published.

Female? Well, I've had over 30 hours of electrolysis on my face. I'm in voice lessons. I'm on HRT. I wear only clothing designed for females. Maybe there's a clue there

Our mutual psychologist matched me to another trans woman patient of theirs recently (with my permission, they gave my contact info to the other person who then contacted me). We met yesterday and walked on trails for an hour or so. It was her first time meeting another trans person, so I was gratified that I could help her out that way. I remember the first trans woman I met, some years ago. We're both early in the process, but she's out at work, which is a step ahead of me. Nice to know another person.

Congratulations on your leap in the alumni magazine!  It's a big step to have a discovery like ours, but an even bigger one to admit it openly to others.

I think that our desired pronouns are like guideposts along the way- both for you in your affinity in a particular direction, and for others in their acceptance.  If you are feeling a shift, that is a key clue for you as well sis. 

It's also heartwarming that you had the opportunity to talk and hangout and support your new acquaintance.  Particularly this past year, that human interaction has been in short supply- and never more sorely needed by everyone!

Hugs!!

Caela

[RandyL]

Thanks for your comments and support @Pammie and @CaelaNotKayla. Your thoughts here are valuable and appreciated.

Just a minor event, and maybe insignificant...I got called "Hun" by a woman staffer at the store yesterday. Maybe she calls everyone that, but with my clothing, hair and a mask, I'll say that I passed

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