Hi. My name is Tori. It been my name legally since 2014, but I chose my name when I was 13 years old. Someday, if I am around I will give some childhood stories that will make you cry. I began hormone therapy in 2011. As soon as I shared my psych diag with my family I was ushered out. I was disowned by my parents, siblings and children right away. I also found out my career field had closed and I would never be employed in the job I loved again.All due to being true to myself and allowing myself to be the person I had been on the inside for my entire life.
I've found that support is non existent if you really are in need. The only friends I seem to be able to make are phony users and takers. The majority of my post transition friends owe me far more than they are willing to pay back. I have moved to one of the few areas I can afford to support myself, but it's not a supportive part of the country. In the last 9 years I have found the only attention I can get is sexual, but also short lived and causes more feelings of abandonment that it ever will help. For a period of time,
I now live utterly alone and see almost nobody. I dreamed about having that wonderful spouse who would support me emotionally. Now I sit alone in the dark and cry more than I smile. I revel in the memories of rape and homelessness that play over and over in my mind in the dark void that is my life.
All I wanted was that one man who would love me for the me I am and not covet a leftover body part that should have never been on my body. Alas, due to the prejudice of society, people think i transitioned for sex, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Now, I refuse to engage in sex unless a person is willing to take me on real dates ans show me the same respect any other woman would be shown. So for over a year, I have been devoid of pretty much all human contact. I would have all kinds of attention if I was willing to preform sexually as a man would, but the idea makes me sick to my stomach and after 9 years of hormone therapy while I was blessed with a 38D chest the birth defect is almost non existent. Won't and can't do the only thing anyone wants. Again coveting for a body part instead of the person.
I just passed my 55th birthday. I realized that the world is not going to change and be accepting in my lifetime. I really don't want to die, but the life i have is not living either. Not at all. I have vowed that if this is going to be life for me the rest of my life that I will do all I can to make that period of time as short as possible.In ten years I have not celebrated a holiday or received a gift.
I used to be a powerful and respected business person. Now, I feel good about being the person I always knew I was, but am not allowed to do anything worth wild. Thanks for listening.
