Author Topic: My story( this is the only way it will ever be heard)  (Read 471 times)

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Offline lonelytori

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My story( this is the only way it will ever be heard)
« on: November 27, 2020, 08:09:38 pm »
Hi. My name is Tori. It been my name legally since 2014, but I chose my name when I was 13 years old. Someday, if I am around I will give some childhood stories that will make you cry. I began hormone therapy in 2011. As soon as I shared my psych diag with my family I was ushered out. I was disowned by my parents, siblings and children right away. I also found out my career field had closed and I would never be employed in the job I loved again.All due to being true to myself and allowing myself to be the person I had been on the inside for my entire life.

I've found that support is non existent if you really are in need. The only friends I seem to be able to make are phony users and takers. The majority of my post transition friends owe me far more than they are willing to pay back. I have moved to one of the few areas I can afford to support myself, but it's not a supportive part of the country. In the last 9 years I have found the only attention I can get is sexual, but also short lived and causes more feelings of abandonment that it ever will help. For a period of time,

I now live utterly alone and see almost nobody. I dreamed about having that wonderful spouse who would support me emotionally. Now I sit alone in the dark and cry more than I smile. I revel in the memories of rape and homelessness that play over and over in my mind in the dark void that is my life.

All I wanted was that one man who would love me for the me I am and not covet a leftover body part that should have never been on my body. Alas, due to the prejudice of society, people think i transitioned for sex, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Now, I refuse to engage in sex unless a person is willing to take me on real dates ans show me the same respect any other woman would be shown. So for over a year, I have been devoid of pretty much all human contact. I would have all kinds of attention if I was willing to preform sexually as a man would, but the idea makes me sick to my stomach and after 9 years of hormone therapy while I was blessed with a 38D chest the birth defect is almost non existent. Won't and can't do the only thing anyone wants. Again coveting for a body part instead of the person.

I just passed my 55th birthday. I realized that the world is not going to change and be accepting in my lifetime. I really don't want to die, but the life i have is not living either. Not at all. I have vowed that if this is going to be life for me the rest of my life that I will do all I can to make that period of time as short as possible.In ten years I have not celebrated a holiday or received a gift.

I used to be a powerful and respected business person. Now, I feel good about being the person I always knew I was, but am not allowed to do anything worth wild. Thanks for listening.

Online Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
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Re: My story( this is the only way it will ever be heard)
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2020, 09:39:34 am »
@lonelytori
Dear Tori
     I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first posting.

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say.
 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information, important LINKS and Rules that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline lonelytori

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Re: My story( this is the only way it will ever be heard)
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2020, 10:39:28 am »
I would so love to thank the person who sent me a personal message suggesting I find a local support group. I wish I could answer the message directly but I can't. Thus my reply here. I am 260 miles away from the nearest support group for Transsexual only women. I am not mobile and as I live on disability can't afford to live in any of the super nice and supportive area that have this kind of resource.

I thought that if I could find a partner in life I could get into one of these areas. I actually moved here from Los Angeles where I had rented a garage with no heat or air and still couldn't afford to buy proper food much less do anything.

Offline TheWomanWithinMe

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Re: My story( this is the only way it will ever be heard)
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2020, 09:23:04 pm »
Many groups have gone online during the pandemic. As participation might be lower I would think you would be readily welcome to join any group irregardless of your location or theirs.  Most lgbt+ groups have an online presence and any virtual meetings will likely be easily discoverable.  You will likely find a variety of different meeting formats to choose from and this way of attending a meeting allows one to easily log off if the group, format or topic doesn't seem to strike your fancy.

Most universities and community colleges are likely to have an lgbt+ club on campus. They will likely be in the know about a wide variety of other organizations offering a wide array of services and opportunities to network on a wide variety of topics.

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: My story( this is the only way it will ever be heard)
« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2020, 01:39:46 am »
@lonelytori

Tori-

Hugs dear!  I'd echo what @TheWomanWithinMe said- so many things from therapy to group meetings have gone online.   My own therapist is about 200+ miles from my location, and we have grown as close as if we were in the same room with each other.  My social club has also moved to a zoom meeting as well with girls joining from a 200 mile radius.  There are resources and links for some of the groups throughout the world in the Support Groups forum here- https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,14.0.html.

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: My story( this is the only way it will ever be heard)
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2020, 04:47:18 am »
Welcome Tori!

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Margrit

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Re: My story( this is the only way it will ever be heard)
« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2020, 09:11:31 am »
Hi

Welcome to the Forum.

Best wishes
Margrit
If a man can make you smile,
even if you don't want to,
then you love him.

Offline Laura1951

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Re: My story( this is the only way it will ever be heard)
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2020, 09:56:24 am »
Well, it's about time you found us.

For many of us, Susan's Place IS an important support network where we can share honestly our trials, tribulations, and successes. Entering here full of fear four years ago, I've discovered many wonderful people here whose opinions I value and whose advice has helped me through tough decisions.

Welcome. Please stay, follow up on other's stories, and share more of your own.

You're not alone anymore.

Laura
One New Life to Live (My personal blog)

Laura's HRT Journal     |     Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Online Oldandcreaky

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Re: My story( this is the only way it will ever be heard)
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2020, 11:29:01 am »
Quote
I dreamed about having that wonderful spouse who would support me emotionally.

Tori, what would you deliver to this hypothetical spouse? People are selfish, so relationships are forged in reciprocity. We all have to bring something to the table, again and again and again, if we want a seat at the table.

Offline TS5arah_xx

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Re: My story( this is the only way it will ever be heard)
« Reply #9 on: November 29, 2020, 12:04:30 pm »
Hello hun and nice to meet you! I also lost my professional career and a lot of people in my life due to my gender issues ! You are not alone and never have to be again ! Over the last year i have devoted my time to doing online research and ive met some pretty amazing people along the way, its sad that even in 2020 the world can be a harsh place for a transgender person, but i promise you things will get better !

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