Topic: "unicorn forest"? More like Siberian Tundra

[Asche]

I'd love to contribute to the "What kind of creature are you in the Unicorn Forest?" thread.

But I can't see any "forest" any more, let alone the Unicorn kind.  These days it's more like the Siberian tundra, or the steppe, or like the mountains well above tree line -- no fair folk, only the sound of the ever-prevailing wind over rocks and stunted grass.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed, though.  I'm just moving slow, and feeling the urge to find a nice well-insulated den, lined with loose hairs and pine needles and leaves, where I can go to sleep and let my body temperature and heart rate drop, and let the time go by until the world turns towards a spring, especially a spring of the soul.  I go through days where I do little more than the absolutely necessary (e.g., breathing) and when I'm more awake, a few days later, I can't for the life of me say what went on.

It's been a long 9+ month autumn, starting with various restructurings in my workplace, making it even more dysfunctional and chaotic; then the COVID lock-down and having to handle the work toxicity from my living room; then all the hassles involved with retiring; and then the anxiety around the election (I thought if it went one way, I might need to flee the country while I still could.)  I don't know if things are actually settling down or if I've just reached the point where I don't have it in me to pay attention any more.  I just kind of want to crawl into a hole and hide until the fighting's over and the dead are all dead and buried and those still living look like they will stay living for the forseeable future.

ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

[RandiL]

Oh Asche, it IS a difficult time for many. I hope you can find more social connections before too long. Most of us really need that. I have always thought of myself as an introvert and figured I'd do fine in isolation. Well I've sort of done ok up until now, but even I'm feeling the strain.

If work was toxic I'm glad you could retire and leave it behind.

Take care and be strong. Randy

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[Asche]

This morning, a verse from a Gordon Bok song came to mind:

It's a pity we don't know what the little flowers know
They can't face the cold November, they can't take the wind and snow.
They put their glories all behind them, bow their heads and let it go.
But you know they'll be there shining in the morning.

[Tessa James]

Hey Asche,

We are still but a few among the many.  I Just read a short story written by one of the Forest dwellers here and it has epic and mythologic relevance for us.  Yes, we do roam far and wide in our minds tho winter in this northern hemisphere is only beginning. 

Delighted to hear you are working through retirement.  It is wonderful to have such freedom and to forget about rushing about.  See ya on the trails

[Sno]

When the Fae flit to and fro with no construct of time,
And bears whose burrows grow shading from the light,
Are seen as giving little glimmer in the dusky twilight.
Then the forest is reclaimed.
By Nature in all their glory - seasons, plantings, weather whether all.
We quietly bide our times, watching,
To see who stirs next.

[Asche]

I'm feeling a little more alive than I was in December.

Maybe the ice and snow are starting to melt.  I somehow have an image of the Alpine Garden on Mount Washington, with the rocks and tiny plants beginning to be visible, and the soggy ground squishy like a wet sponge.  Like the mountains around, it's all grey granite outcroppings and boulders (lots and lots of lichen-covered boulders), but in between are bits of biosphere, just holding on, waiting for the time to become right to frantically make seeds and scatter them, and then lie back into suspended animation, to survive until the next spring -- or not.

Earlier this week, I visited a friend of mine who got brain cancer (glioblastoma?) which came on rather suddenly last March, just as the medical system was being thrown into chaos by Covid.  She's still alive, a year later, which I gather is already an accomplishment with glioblastoma, but there are a lot of abilities that have been wiped out, especially in language and muscle coordination, and this has really thrown her.  She kept going back to talking about the things she can't do and how frustrated she is, and how she's hoping that it will come back at some point (for some suitable interpretation of "come back.)  I suppose it's kind of a premonition of what will happen to many of us at some point, unless we have the "good fortune" of going quickly.  Anyway, I kept trying to bring up things other than what she can't do; she is a music teacher and a trained musician, and she can still play the violin, though the many months away from it due to hospitalization and rehab have taken their toll, and she can knit.

My own music has been kind of languishing in the arctic winter of the soul I've been going through.  I play piano, flute, and guitar, and sing, but it's been hard to keep it up.  I try to make a point of practicing piano at least once a day (I replaced my century-old piano with one that actually plays right, so I should take advantage of that, right?), but "the salt has lost its savour," so to speak.  I just slog on, on the principle of "fake it til you make it."  I keep hoping it will come back whenever I can start making music with other people again.  (Making music in a group via Zoom is pretty hopeless.)

Drip, drip, drip....

[justpat]

  I have heard it said that timing is everything and it truly is. Just happened to for no reason
at all , check here today , its been a long time and I even remembered my password.
  I do remember with fond memories all of you , some of the old group have moved to a non binary site which I seldom go on either so really have little contact with anyone. SJ and I do communicate fairly often and she is doing well and tells me Ativan is also.
  Take care everyone , I am doing well and in my 70s now but still moving strong.
God Bless You All ,  Patty

[Rakel]

I am happy to see you here again, Patty.

You really should post more often. Many of the younger kids here can benefit from your experiences.

[Asche]

... Many of the younger kids here can benefit from your [justpat's] experiences.

I could tell them useful things like:

"In my day I had to walk 6 miles to school every day, in 3 foot snowdrifts -- uphill both ways!"

Then again, maybe not so useful.....

[RandiL]

Hey As he,

I play mandolin and I've also found it difficult to keep going ever since my teacher died and then Covid broke up my weekly jam sessions.

I signed up for a music camp in August, which is starting to get me motivated. If nothing else I need to rebuild my callouses!

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[Asche]

I was thinking: I don't know how much my experience will help the newer people.

My own experience of coming to terms with my transness, which was only in the past 7 years, was already very different from the people who transitioned a decade earlier, and I have the distinct impression that things have changed again, especially for the younger folks.  The whole approach to gender is evolving rapidly.  My older child says they're trans, but I really can't figure out what "trans" means to them or their trans friends.  It reminds me of how we are warned not to project our current notions of gender and trans-ness on previous centuries or even generations.*  E.g., to call Billy Tipton a "trans man" is to distort his experiences and his way of looking at himself.  Maybe my grandchildren (assuming I ever have grandchildren!) will have trouble understanding my generation's way of looking at gender and being trans.

For that matter, I have a hard time understanding those of "my generation."   I feel a lot more at home among 20-something non-binary presenting non-binary folks than I do with trans people closer to my own age.

* Not to mention different societies.

[RandiL]

I think you said it in the final paragraph, about feeling more comfortable with 20-somethings than your own generation. I'm 68 and find relatively few others my age locally. I think my generation has many fewer people who get or understand about being trans. So what you are talking about may very much be a generational thing rather than being directly tied to a timeframe (the 2020's).

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[Rakel]

I was thinking: I don't know how much my experience will help the newer people....

Gender dysphoria has been around for thousands of years, in fact, ever since mankind has become self aware.

Every generation has their own way of expressing them selves and those of us with gender dysphoria are no different from our peers. At times we were vilified and incarcerated. At others times we were humiliated. Only today we are somewhat accepted and not by everyone. We have always expressed ourselves with the language and terms we are familiar with.

Every generation can learn from those who preceded us. The issues are the same, only the circumstances are different for each generation. If we fail to know our history, then we are doomed to repeat past mistakes.

This is just my opinion. Everyone is free to accept or ignore my comments.

Take care.