Author Topic: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)  (Read 5531 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« on: December 18, 2020, 12:29:27 pm »
Hi everyone.  I have never done a blog, but I have been following several people here and commenting on their threads.  Some of you have encouraged me to write my own blog, so here is my faltering attempt at that.

I know this isn't AA, but my name is Rachel and I am transgender (more specifically I have been diagnosed with GID/GD).   I have also been told I have something similar to Kallman's Syndrome.  I have all of the symptoms of Kallman's except that my sense of smell is normal.  The doctor labeled it Idiopathic Hypogonadotripic Hypogonadism. It is my understanding that this fact might exclude me from a diagnosis of GID, but not for one of GD.  As far as I am concerned, the reality is what it is, and labels don't change that.

I am transgender and have been aware of that since my earliest memories (2-4 years old), though I didn't have a label for it.  I knew I wanted to be a girl, and I was told very plainly that would never happen.  In fact, my grandmother told me (when I was 5) that I was a "pervert" and going to Hell.  She then read to me from the Bible a passage that said there will be no perverts in heaven.  So, I did my best to hide my gender incongruity and act like a "normal boy".  I think I pass as a fairly normal person, though I know that I am transgender.

Anyway, when I was 16 I still hadn't started puberty and they took me to an endocrinologist.  He diagnosed me as having "Constitutional Delay of Puberty".  He offered me testosterone, and told me it would make me hairy and masculine.  I rejected the offer.  I started puberty on my own at 18.  It was a slow process.  Even at 21 I looked like a high school kid.  But, I eventually developed into a mature looking man, and promptly started male pattern baldness (that was heart breaking).

In 1996 I was having migraine headaches and went for a CTScan.  After the images were made I was left alone in the room.  Being a curious person, I went and looked at the images.  The radiologist came in, saw me doing that, and insisted that I stop looking at some other patient's medical records.  I told him that I was pretty sure these were images of me.  He said they couldn't be because this was clearly the brain of a woman, and in he twenty some odd years of practice, he could ALWAYS tell the difference.  it was easy, and this was a woman, so not me.  The girl who had made the images came back into the room and I asked her if the images were of me.  She confirmed for me and the radiologist that they were.  He acted frightened, said he should not have told me what he did.  Then he declared that I had no lesions, no tumors and no sign of stroke, I was fine.  It was unusual, that's all.  He had heard of it but never seen it.  Then he jogged out of the room.  No more questions.  I called his office and I asked to speak to him, but all I got was a message saying I was fine, no lesions, no tumors, no sign of stroke.  Yeah, that isn't what I wanted to talk about.

Since then, I have been unable to get a second opinion on the gender of my brain.  I have had MRI's and CTScans over the years, but the radiologist will not speak to me.  I am told that I don't have any lesions, tumors or signs of stroke; end of discussion.  I strongly suspect the first doctor was right, but...I'd like a second opinion. 

My T levels were never been above the baseline for normal males, but close.  Then, around 50, my T levels dropped to zero (the lab said they were so low they could not be measured).  This made me feel very sick, and I went to the same endocrinologist.  He diagnosed me as having metabolic syndrome, and started me on Androgel.  I was fairly emotionally stressed over taking testosterone, which emotionally felt like poisoning myself, but I felt so physically ill that I did it anyway.

After a year, I went to a different endo who told me I had something like Kallman's (he said I had IHH).  He explained that something is wrong in my pituitary/hypothalamus axis, and it causes me not to make enough LH (Lutenizing Hormone) and GnRH (Gonadotropin-releasing hormone).  I suspect that this problem has something to do with my prenatal development.  Both endos shrug at the question and say they don't know.  (How could they know for sure, but I would suspect they have a theory).

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journy (Part I?)
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2020, 12:44:57 pm »
I have been reading Emma1017's thread and I seem to be about where she was 2 years ago.  I have not started HRT, and don't plan to if I can avoid it.  I don't want to hurt my wife either.  I am out to her, she knows, but almost no one else knows.  Her kids definitely don't know.  My parents and siblings haven't been told, and I think they would be surprised.

My family (including my in-laws) are VERY conservative.  I live in Alabama, which is fairly conservative (certainly compared to the rest of America), but my family takes it to another level.  My parents would be unhappy if I were gay, but they would get over that.  I have heard my dad say he couldn't stand to be in the same room with a transsexual.  Of course, and the time he said it he was in the room with one, but I suspect he didn't know.

In reading Emma1017's "Which Hurts Less" she describes well the argument (with myself) that is taking place inside of me.  Why is it so important that I become a woman?  What do I really think would be better if I transition?  Would it offset all that I would lose?  I'd lose my family, my friends, my career, and I would basically have to move to another state.

I know right now that if I ever start HRT, I would never stop (except if my doctor made me for a surgery or something).  And, once I started down that path, I wouldn't be able to transition fully fast enough.  So, I have declined Estrogen when it has been offered.  I don't think I would need anything to knock down my testosterone.  Just stop taking my medicine to boost it, and it would fall away to nothing on its own. 

But, my wife would divorce me.  My parents would disown me.  And, I really don't know how my sisters would react.  I have an idea, but I don't know.  I do know that when an old friend of my sister and myself (from 30-40 years ago, not someone I am close to now) had a child transition from MTF, my sister posted on FaceBook to the child's mother that her child was it was a "sin" and the child was "going to go to Hell", and they should not let her transition.  The mother "unfriended" both her and me over that, even though I have voiced my support for their daughter.  My other sister expressed her opinion privately that my first sister was right in what she said, but should have had more tact than to say it in a public forum to the mother of the child.  So, I don't expect much support from either of them.

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2020, 12:57:22 pm »
In essence, I hope I can avoid transitioning.  My wife did make me promise that if I had to transition to be happy, that I would transition.  But, she said if I did that she would divorce me.  She said we would always be friends. 

I don't really know what that means; "to be happy".  Happy how?  Maybe I have never really been happy and just don't know what it would feel like.  I wouldn't be happy about her divorcing me, about me losing my family, my friends, my career, and moving to somewhere where I know no one.  But, once I went through all of that, MAYBE I could find a way to be happy as a woman?  Or, maybe, as Linde has often said, I would be happier as I am now, spending my life with the woman I love, and not getting to be open about who I am.

Happy is relative, right?  I mean, no one is totally happy, right?  There are good things and bad in every life, and you just have to deal with the bad and appreciate the good, right?  right now, the bad in my life is having to deal with GD.  But, there are a lot of good things. There is a lot about my life that I do appreciate.  The biggest thing missing is being known fully and loved completely.  My wife loves the character who I play, the man she married.  No one else even knows the real me, and my wife doesn't want to ever see me as a woman.

I don't know what to do.  Some people talk about a crossroad, saying there will come a time when you have to decide.  Does there?  If so, did I already cross that point?  Did I already decide (for example, when I became a husband and a step-father) that I would choose that path?  If you go the wrong way on the crossroad, can you turn around?  Or, make a running correction?  How do you know if you already crossed the point of no return?

Offline SarahEL

  • Oh no, I have said too much, I haven't said enough...
  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 579
  • Reputation: +13/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • That's me in the corner.... That's me in the photo
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #3 on: December 18, 2020, 01:54:01 pm »
Very well done on taking the brave step in starting your own blog.
I hope it has helped putting this out there.. and I am subscribed and awaiting your further posts...

Sending you hugs...  xx

Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #4 on: December 18, 2020, 02:00:05 pm »
Thank you for your friendship.

Offline Confused1

  • *
  • Posts: 173
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
  • Non Binary
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2020, 02:55:16 pm »
Hi Rachel,

I am not Intersex and do not have Kallman's Syndrome, but we have some similarities. I had prostate surgery in March of 18. It actually started my journey. I have a medical condition from that surgery that I can't live with. I could get no help from my doctors, so I went everywhere looking for answers. I finally happened upon Zero Depth Vaginoplasty on another website. That put the cart in front of the horse for me. I realized I would eventually go there and it was the only way to live a normal life. I knew my wife wouldn't like that so I kept searching. I didn't say anything about it to my wife for six months. That went over well-NOT!

I still did not really know what was wrong inside me, but the cancer returned late last year and I had to go through ADT to lower testosterone and then radiation early this year. After 2 months on ADT, I realized I never want testosterone again. Then I found someone on a prostate cancer website that actually figured out my medical issue. I switched to another urologist. Problem is, the vaginoplasty is still the only viable way to fix it. My new urologist seemed to think so as well.

Early this year, I happened on one of Emma1017's threads, realized I am transgender and that is why my mind so easily accepted the surgery. I realized my past and Emma's were very similar. It created a Aha moment along with Oh No! I always knew these feelings/thoughts were in my head, but not the why.

I had already researched what it took to get the surgery, so I set up a gender therapist appointment and learned a lot more about myself. I suggest you go talk to one. I don't know how much dysphoria you have if any. Puberty was hell for me and it was for awhile after. I only had one period of strong dysphoria a couple decades ago and it eventually seemed to subside. I also think I am gender fluid. I know with many it becomes overwhelming. It did not for me until after my surgery. YMMV. There are not many easy choices in this. Only you can decide what you need to do. A gender therapist can help you sort that out.

I also live in a very conservative state close to you, Arkansas. I have made my wife, daughters, and preacher very uncomfortable this year. I go to a pretty conservative church. Many there also consider being trans a sin, though I have managed to educate my preacher a little. Both of our families live a long distance away and I don't intend to share this with them. They all think I am getting surgery for something else. I have managed to get my wife pretty much on board, but at present I still plan to live as a man. It has been a roller coaster ride, but has improved greatly since the beginning of this. Lack of hormones just started some growth up top. I considered myself non binary, so I never expected the emotions that growing breasts would bring out in me. My wife is OK with that too, especially since it was started by the cancer treatments. Still, I think she is OK as long as I don't start wearing a dress. She has mentioned helping me bind or getting a bra, so there is an opening. If or when we transition, our wives have to as well. Some won't. I hope your wife will understand over time if you decide you need to transition.

Hugs,
Mike

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2020, 03:47:14 pm »
Hi Rachel,

After 2 months on ADT, I realized I never want testosterone again. Then I found someone on a prostate cancer website that actually figured out my medical issue. I switched to another urologist. Problem is, the vaginoplasty is still the only viable way to fix it. My new urologist seemed to think so as well.

What, if you don't mind my asking, is your medical issue such that vaginoplasty is the only viable way to fix?  Gender Dysphoria?  Or, something else? 

Quote from: Confused1
...so I set up a gender therapist appointment and learned a lot more about myself. I suggest you go talk to one.
  I have actually talked to three.  The first one I fired because she said I was a transsexual, and I thought that meant she wasn't listening (because I thought that if you were terrified to transition rather than embracing it, you weren't transsexual).  The second show me the DSM and asked if that wasn't what I was describing.  I cried, it was.  But, I can't see my present therapist because she is shut down over Covid.  No in person appointments.  And, I don't want to do Facetime appointments.

Quote from: Confused1
I don't know how much dysphoria you have if any.

I don't either.  Sometimes it is significant making it hard to think about anything else, sometimes it is like a dull chronic pain in my soul.  How much is that?  Thankfully, I just had a two year run where it was very manageable.  Sadly, that has ended, and right now it is what I would describe as "pretty bad".  I wish I could see my psychologist. 

Quote from: Confused1
I also live in a very conservative state close to you, Arkansas.
Yes, that is probably a similar environment.  Not so close geographically, but close culturally. 

Quote from: Confused1
I have made my wife, daughters, and preacher very uncomfortable this year.
Oh, do tell.  What did you do or say that made them chagrined?

Quote from: Confused1
I have managed to get my wife pretty much on board, but at present I still plan to live as a man. It has been a roller coaster ride, but has improved greatly since the beginning of this. Lack of hormones just started some growth up top. I considered myself non binary, so I never expected the emotions that growing breasts would bring out in me. My wife is OK with that too, especially since it was started by the cancer treatments. Still, I think she is OK as long as I don't start wearing a dress.

If wearing a dress is code for anything that isn't men's clothing, mine is there with her.  I could not satisfy my wife's demands by wearing leggings and a tunic.

Quote from: Confused1
If or when we transition, our wives have to as well. Some won't. I hope your wife will understand over time if you decide you need to transition.
Yes, I suppose so.  My then ex-wife would be very embarrassed for people to know that I was changing my appearance in that way.

Offline Pammie

  • *
  • Posts: 3,561
  • Reputation: +27/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Up
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #7 on: December 18, 2020, 05:48:45 pm »
In essence, I hope I can avoid transitioning.  My wife did make me promise that if I had to transition to be happy, that I would transition.  But, she said if I did that she would divorce me.  She said we would always be friends. 

I don't really know what that means; "to be happy".  Happy how?  Maybe I have never really been happy and just don't know what it would feel like.  I wouldn't be happy about her divorcing me, about me losing my family, my friends, my career, and moving to somewhere where I know no one.  But, once I went through all of that, MAYBE I could find a way to be happy as a woman?  Or, maybe, as Linde has often said, I would be happier as I am now, spending my life with the woman I love, and not getting to be open about who I am.

Happy is relative, right?  I mean, no one is totally happy, right?  There are good things and bad in every life, and you just have to deal with the bad and appreciate the good, right?  right now, the bad in my life is having to deal with GD.  But, there are a lot of good things. There is a lot about my life that I do appreciate.  The biggest thing missing is being known fully and loved completely.  My wife loves the character who I play, the man she married.  No one else even knows the real me, and my wife doesn't want to ever see me as a woman.

I don't know what to do.  Some people talk about a crossroad, saying there will come a time when you have to decide.  Does there?  If so, did I already cross that point?  Did I already decide (for example, when I became a husband and a step-father) that I would choose that path?  If you go the wrong way on the crossroad, can you turn around?  Or, make a running correction?  How do you know if you already crossed the point of no return?
That is clearly a really difficult situation. I guess a key question has to be what did you know about yourself when you made the massive decision to become a husband and stepfather and what do you know now you didn’t then? If ur in a very different place today than at that point then it’s very understandable that you need to take a fresh view on ur life and direction I would suggest . In the end every one of us is on a very personal journey with our own challenges and it’s hard for any of us to be able to advise. Xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #8 on: December 18, 2020, 08:52:43 pm »
Quote from: Pammie
That is clearly a really difficult situation. I guess a key question has to be what did you know about yourself when you made the massive decision to become a husband and stepfather and what do you know now you didn’t then? If ur in a very different place today than at that point then it’s very understandable that you need to take a fresh view on ur life and direction I would suggest . In the end every one of us is on a very personal journey with our own challenges and it’s hard for any of us to be able to advise. Xx

I suppose I knew everything about myself then that I know now.  I didn’t understand that it would grow worse with age.  I didn’t understand that wanting to be a woman was the important desire making me a transsexual.  I didn’t understand that the only recommendation for how to deal with it all would be transitioning.  But, I knew unambiguously that I wanted to be a woman.  And, I knew that when my first wife divorced me, I seriously considered transitioning.  But, I felt it was impossible for me.  And, I thought it would always be impossible for me.  Because, I really thought I would kill myself rather than transition. 

When I met my present wife, I fell so in love that for a couple of years I didn’t have a problem with dysphoria.  It didn’t go away, but it wasn’t a problem.  After we married, I started having a problem with it again.  And, I became extremely depressed.  I decided that I would certainly kill myself, and soon.  But, I asked my wife whether she would rather be the widow of a man that committed suicide, or divorced from a man who committed suicide.  She didn’t want me to commit suicide and insisted that I tell her what was wrong.  I thought that if I did, she would understand and choose one of the two options.  But, she said she loved me, and she didn’t care.

Later, it became obvious that she did love me, but she did care about me being trans. 

So, I didn’t learn anything new about me, but I did learn more about the way dysphoria can become more aggressive.  I didn’t think psychologist could offer any help.  And, I was horrified when (after listening to me, and hearing me ask for coping strategies) psychologist after psychologist said transitioning was the only way I would ever be happy.  I didn’t know that when I married her.

So, I feel guilty for deceiving her, but I did and do love her.  I did want to be with her forever and still do.  And, I was hiding my secret from everyone, and thought I would always be able to do so.  I just expected to be dead, not to tell anyone. 

Offline Confused1

  • *
  • Posts: 173
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
  • Non Binary
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #9 on: December 18, 2020, 11:27:56 pm »
What, if you don't mind my asking, is your medical issue such that vaginoplasty is the only viable way to fix?  Gender Dysphoria?  Or, something else? 

I will PM you as to the medical issue causing me to have GCS.

 The second show me the DSM and asked if that wasn't what I was describing.  I cried, it was.  But, I can't see my present therapist because she is shut down over Covid. 

I did a LOT of research previous to seeing my therapist, so I mostly knew what to say and what was required. I was still terrified at the beginning of the first session.
So far my therapist is doing therapy in person, just staying a good 10 feet apart.


I don't either.  Sometimes it is significant making it hard to think about anything else, sometimes it is like a dull chronic pain in my soul.  How much is that?  Thankfully, I just had a two year run where it was very manageable.  Sadly, that has ended, and right now it is what I would describe as "pretty bad".  I wish I could see my psychologist. 

I have gender dysphoria, but it is mostly manageable. We all face choices and mine was to remain married and deal with mild dysphoria. It all depends on whether you can do that. I did have a pretty intense spell a couple decades ago, but I managed to choke it down after awhile. At the time I didn't understand what was causing it. I had a traumatic experience as a child I blamed most of my problems on. I believe I am gender fluid, which probably plays a part. Sounds like you may be as well?

 
Oh, do tell.  What did you do or say that made them chagrined?

There have been many things that set off my wife, from the possibility of transition publically to being a lesbian (she is not) to the biblical feelings about it. It was a very wild ride at first, but has mostly settled down now. My daughters were OK at first, but slipped some for different reasons. They both still love me and we have worked through most of it. I have had many interesting conversations with my preacher, but he is pretty much OK with it now as long as I stay "male" outwardly. It was pretty strained when I first came out to him. I know the bible better than almost anybody at my church and they come to me for Bible answers as much as they do the preacher. That helps.

If wearing a dress is code for anything that isn't men's clothing, mine is there with her.  I could not satisfy my wife's demands by wearing leggings and a tunic.

Offline Allie Jayne

  • *
  • Posts: 1,853
  • Reputation: +17/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #10 on: December 19, 2020, 03:16:42 am »
Rachel, my hairs stood up reading your blog. It is so close to my life. I always knew I was trans, told my mother but she left me with a great fear of discovery. I started puberty at the normal time, but, apart from being strong, I couldn't grow a beard or body hair until much later in life. I experience significant dysphoria, but learned to deal with it by keeping myself insanely busy. I desperately wanted babies, but I wasn't dating, so I married a blind date my mother set up, and had my first of 2 children when I was 25. I struggled with sex, and was very small penis wise.

My wife left me with our 2 children as she said I made her feel inadequate as a mother because I was naturally better at it, so I raised them on my own, and ran my own business. When the kids were grown, I could slow down, and my best friend decided we should marry. She knew I was very maternal, and I thought she had figured I was trans, but she was shocked when I told her. She decided to marry me on condition she would leave me if I transitioned, but at the time, I was determined never to transition, and I really meant it.

We made an uncomfortable arrangement where I could be myself at home to reduce dysphoria, but if anyone ever caught me she would leave. Soon after we married I became unable to perform my sexual duties, as from 50 years old, my already low testosterone, dropped to female levels. I was diagnosed with Hypogonadism, but I wasn't interested in taking T. I feared this would end our marriage, but we went on for over a decade, very happy with our lives. At age 63, my dysphoria started getting stronger and I had periods of depression. I refused to see a therapist, because I knew what the diagnosis would be, and what it would cost me.

By the time I was 65 I was terribly sick from the stress of dysphoria and depression, bedridden, and almost certain I would die. I had mentioned to my doctor that I had Gender Dysphoria, and she referred me to a therapist. The diagnosis took 40 minutes, and was as expected. I was in a bad state when I put my first patch on, and completely cured a week later. I spent a month in euphoria, then realised what was at stake, and told my doctor I couldn't do this to my wife and family. I stopped HRT for a week and got sick again, and my doctor argued that if I died my family would carry guilt. I was in a no win, and my wife said I should continue HRT.

A year later, we divorced, but are still sharing our house. My family struggle to understand but are supportive. I am struggling to accept such a life changing situation I never wanted. I have not been really happy since starting HRT, except that first month of euphoria. I have regularly been badly depressed. I have been living full time for a year, and will have GRS in a little over 2 weeks, hoping that might reduce my life threatening dysphoria. I have no idea if my now ex wife will eventually leave me as she is still uncomfortable with me transitioning. If I could go back to my happy life a few years ago, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't.

To survive I must transition. My life dream was to carry and birth babies, but it could never be, and without that, I will never consider myself a woman. I didn't want to be a trans woman, but that is my lot now. It's not bad, I live comfortably in my community with lots of support, but it's not what I wanted. Sometime we don't really get a choice.

Hugs,

Allie

Offline Pammie

  • *
  • Posts: 3,561
  • Reputation: +27/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Up
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #11 on: December 19, 2020, 03:17:21 am »
I suppose I knew everything about myself then that I know now.  I didn’t understand that it would grow worse with age.  I didn’t understand that wanting to be a woman was the important desire making me a transsexual.  I didn’t understand that the only recommendation for how to deal with it all would be transitioning.  But, I knew unambiguously that I wanted to be a woman.  And, I knew that when my first wife divorced me, I seriously considered transitioning.  But, I felt it was impossible for me.  And, I thought it would always be impossible for me.  Because, I really thought I would kill myself rather than transition. 

When I met my present wife, I fell so in love that for a couple of years I didn’t have a problem with dysphoria.  It didn’t go away, but it wasn’t a problem.  After we married, I started having a problem with it again.  And, I became extremely depressed.  I decided that I would certainly kill myself, and soon.  But, I asked my wife whether she would rather be the widow of a man that committed suicide, or divorced from a man who committed suicide.  She didn’t want me to commit suicide and insisted that I tell her what was wrong.  I thought that if I did, she would understand and choose one of the two options.  But, she said she loved me, and she didn’t care.

Later, it became obvious that she did love me, but she did care about me being trans. 

So, I didn’t learn anything new about me, but I did learn more about the way dysphoria can become more aggressive.  I didn’t think psychologist could offer any help.  And, I was horrified when (after listening to me, and hearing me ask for coping strategies) psychologist after psychologist said transitioning was the only way I would ever be happy.  I didn’t know that when I married her.

So, I feel guilty for deceiving her, but I did and do love her.  I did want to be with her forever and still do.  And, I was hiding my secret from everyone, and thought I would always be able to do so.  I just expected to be dead, not to tell anyone.
It’s been one of the revelations about Susan’s for me that your story is not so unusual. I think there are others with very similar stories - Emma for one.
I can imagine how that all happened snd how difficult it must be now. Sending lots of hugs. Xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #12 on: December 19, 2020, 12:40:18 pm »
Quote from: Confused1

I had a traumatic experience as a child I blamed most of my problems on. I believe I am gender fluid, which probably plays a part. Sounds like you may be as well?


I don’t think I am gender fluid at all.  I am very binary.  I simply am not congruent. 

I didn’t suffer any abuse as a child.  I did have something traumatic happen.  When I was 2(according to my mom it was before I turned 3, but close to my 3rd birthday), I had surgery on my penis.  No one prepared me at all for the post operative pain.  No one even attempted to explain what was done or why.  Now, they claim not to remember.  Based on scaring, I believe it was to address hypospadias and perhaps also to address a urethra stricture.  Whatever they did, I woke up feeling alright, and told my mom I needed to pee.  She said to wait while she checked with the nurse, but I didn’t want to lie there and wet the bed, so I got up and went to that restroom.  As I started to pee, the pain was shocking, both because of its intensity and the unexpectedness of it.  I tried and eventually succeed in stopping peeing, but...I still needed to pee.  I had to start again, this time knowing to expect the pain.

When I got done, my mom was standing in the doorway to the bathroom laughing.  I am sure she was laughing because of the way I was literally peeing all over the room trying to cope with the pain, but I have never felt so betrayed in my life.

When I asked why no one had told me what was going to happen, she told me that I wouldn’t remember any of this when I was older.  She said no one remembers stuff that happens at this age.  I asked why, and she said that is just the way it is.  I promised myself NEVER to forget.  I retold the whole story to myself every night, very much the way I just told the story here.  There are more details, but they don’t matter.

I am not that feminine really.  That was socialized out of me.  I remember my dad trying to teach me to walk like a man, because apparently I “swished”.  He basically taught me to stomp.  It was made clear to me that it was important not to act in any way that might be perceived as girly. 

But, I never stopped wanting to BE a girl, to have the body, to live that life.  And, I have often fallen short of the expectations and demands placed on me.  My father doesn’t know (I don’t think) that I am transgender, but I am a huge disappointment as a son.  My dad was a good athlete, a football player.  I was required to be on the team, but I was never a starter.  I didn’t mature like the other boys.  When I was 17, I looked 12.  I hadn’t started puberty.  My voice hadn’t changed.  The other players teased me, asking if my breast were tender and if I shaved my legs. 

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #13 on: December 19, 2020, 12:53:35 pm »
Quote from: Allie Jayne
“Rachel, my hairs stood up reading your blog. It is so close to my life.... I struggled with sex, and was very small penis wise.”

Well, I am sincerely sorry to hear that.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  Well, maybe for a week upon someone who doesn’t make any effort to understand.  But, not for life.

Yeah, the response I just made to Confused1 reminded me how much I hated showering with the football team.  My penis is apparently comically small.  And, of course there was no hair there.  But, my parents said I had to play, and the coach said I had to shower with the team.  So, I survived it.

Quote from: Allie Jayne
“... it's not what I wanted. Sometime we don't really get a choice.”
. Sometimes, no we don’t. 

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #14 on: December 19, 2020, 01:08:24 pm »
Quote from: Pammie
It’s been one of the revelations about Susan’s for me that your story is not so unusual. I think there are others with very similar stories - Emma for one.
I can imagine how that all happened snd how difficult it must be now. Sending lots of hugs. Xxx

Thanks you Pammie for your kind words.  Sadly, I am not the only person ever going through this.  There was a time when I thought my experience was unique, that no one anywhere would be able to relate to it, and that I was alone in the world.  I have come to know that, it’s just not that rare.  If I am alone in this experience in physical reality, the same is not true regarding a larger geographic area. 

It is rare as a percentage of the population, but that is no excuse to pretend we don’t actually exist, or that we are just nut cases who are delusional.  I am not delusional.  My experiences are just less than ideal.   My sexual anatomy doesn’t match my neurological anatomy.  And, that has caused confusion, distress and heartache.  But, I am a survivor.  I didn’t think I could survive this, and now I think I will. 

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #15 on: December 19, 2020, 09:10:10 pm »
I can’t help but be struck by the word “want”.  What do you want?  As, if there was only one definition of want, and I knew which wants were the most important, and that analysis never changed.

I honestly don’t consider my longing to be a woman something that I want.  Whether I satisfy it, or I deprive myself; it is more of a need than a want.  It isn’t a preference, isn’t a choice.  It is a drive.  Is is somewhat of an obsession.  But, I don’t want any part of it.  What I want clearly doesn’t change what I am. 

Each day, I choose to keep going as a male.  I suppose that could change one day.  There really isn’t any going back.  For me, starting HRT would be a bit like jumping out of a plane parachuting.  You don’t jump out and then decide to get back I to the plane.  And, if I start transitioning, I know there would be nothing that I have a say in that would stop me.  I acknowledge that it is that powerful of a need. 

Online Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 38,310
  • Reputation: +67/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #16 on: December 19, 2020, 10:21:07 pm »
@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
I am so very happy that you took the big step to start your very own personal journey blog thread.   This is not only gives you a place to journal and write out the experiences, expectations, successes and even your not-so-good news in describing your journey, but also I and the rest of your followers will now be able to read your journey writings but also we will be able to find you more easily and drop you a note or comments.

Writing out things about your personal thoughts and comments regarding your transition journey is good personal therapy... it gives you an opportunity to think about what you wrote from your heart, and then to postulate positive actions that you can take to make things better.

I also keep a personal "old school" pen and paper journal at home, complete with colorful doodling and some snapshot photo.  On a cold night I can many times be found on my comfy chair in front of my fireplace reading over my past journal entries... sometimes with rejoicing and sometimes with tears in my eyes... again, it is good personal therapy.

When you report good news, we will rejoice with you and root for your success and happiness.... and when you report not-so-good news we will give you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.

Again, this new journal blog of yours is an important way that you can communicate with yourself and with your avid supporters.

Thank you for sharing....
HUGS and best wishes as you continue on....
Danielle
« Last Edit: March 19, 2021, 04:42:22 pm by Northern Star Girl »
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #17 on: December 19, 2020, 10:28:17 pm »
Dear Danielle,

Thank you for your encouraging words.

Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 596
  • Reputation: +11/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #18 on: December 20, 2020, 01:48:23 am »
The more I think about it, it doesn't matter what I want to do.  I can't transition regardless.  I have already crossed the point of no return.  I went through my crossroad without realizing what I was doing.  I have committed my course by a series of personal decisions made over the course of my life that put me in a position where I will never be able to transition.  I doesn't make a bit of difference how unhappy that makes me.  I am trapped in this life.

Well, that was a short Journey.

Offline Rachel

  • Family
  • *****
  • *
  • Posts: 7,610
  • Reputation: +66/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)
« Reply #19 on: December 20, 2020, 05:15:09 am »
Hi Rachel,

Relief from dysphoria can take many forms. There is not a one size fits all.

What I have found is that being myself required a lot of sacrifice and change. Not everyone is effected the same so there is not one narrative.

I do know the journey I went on had a very narrow path. When I was able to do a little it just made me want to do something else. When I realized the dysphoria was relieved each step it became something I eased into but it was not easy. There was a lot of sacrifice.

We all have very different situations and you know yours best. There is not judgements, only understanding and friendship.

Rachel
MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
HRT  5-28-2013
FT   11-13-2015
FFS   9-16-2016 -Spiegel
GCS 11-15-2016 - McGinn
Hair Grafts 3-20-2017 - Cooley
Voice therapy start 3-2017 - Reene Blaker
Labiaplasty 5-15-2017 - McGinn
BA 7-12-2017 - McGinn
Hair grafts 9-25-2017 Dr.Cooley
Sataloff Cricothyroid subluxation and trachea shave12-11-2017
Dr. McGinn labiaplasty, hood repair, scar removal, graph repair and bottom of  vagina finished. urethra repositioned. 4-4-2018
Dr. Sataloff Glottoplasty 5-14-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal in office procedure 10-22-2018
Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020
Dr. Thomas laser vocal procedure 2/17/2021