Topic: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)

[RandiL]

Like you, I'm projecting maybe 20 good years left. Today I read about UK waiting times. I'm fortunate to not have to face such long delays, but it drove home to me that I'd better get the ball rolling on some of the steps I still have to do. With the way our US politics are going I wouldn't be surprised to find access to care deteriorating here as well.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

[Rachel Montgomery]

Positive thoughts.  (Reminding myself) Everything will be alright.

Hopefully, I will be back on the Forum in a day or two.  If not, I appreciate the support you have given me.

[Rachel]

Hi Rachel, I wish you the best in your last 1/3, whatever you decide to do.

I was driving on my way to work last week. There is a billboard on on the side of the road with the power ball and mega millions jackpot amounts. The power ball jackpot was up to 600 million. I thought to myself whoever wins I hope they are in good health to enjoy the winnings. I then thought I am healthy, have girlfriends and doing well, I already hit the jackpot. I have lived longer than the father and brother. My mother had a massive heart attack at age 58. Maybe I will get 20 years, maybe not.

[Rachel Montgomery]

Obviously, (I wouldn’t be posting otherwise) I survived.  Still a bumpy road ahead for me.  But, I will get through it.

[Battle Goddess]

Aw, geez. I had 8-day coma in the bracket.

Good luck to the rest of you ladies. I forget who took that longshot on gangrene, but keep the faith!

 

[Rachel Montgomery]

Aw, geez. I had 8-day coma in the bracket.

Good luck to the rest of you ladies. I forget who took that longshot on gangrene, but keep the faith!

Ok, now I get it.   

Yes.  Whoever had “serious infection”, hang in there.  It could develop. 

[Northern Star Girl]

Hmmm, very depressing to read all of the posts here on this thread regarding life-expectancy.

Obviously the reality has always been that we live and that we will die...
...the immutable truth of the cycle of life.

I recall a relevant quotation by Captain JeanLuc Picard of Star Trek Next Generation fame.
    “Recently, I've become aware that there are fewer days ahead than there are behind."

Another famous saying by the Vulcan First Officer, Spock....
     "Live long and proper"

Hang in their everyone, stay safe and stay healthy!!! Physically and Mentally !!!

HUGS and as always, best wishes, happiness, and success.
Danielle

[RandiL]

Obviously, (I wouldn’t be posting otherwise) I survived.  Still a bumpy road ahead for me.  But, I will get through it.

Rachel, I'm glad you're back. Bumpy road indeed, the story of our lives.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

[Rachel Montgomery]

This probably won’t seem like a big thing to anyone else, and I myself don’t know EXACTLY what it signals.  Brief history: my wife used to get angry when women’s clothing catalogs came addressed to me, and I contacted all of the vendors and asked them to stop sending them (which they did). 

Elsewhere in life, my in-laws recently sold their home and moved to my city.  They are living in a temporary housing until their new home is built.  They are routing their packages to our home in the interim.

So, today my wife sorted the mail.  A women’s clothing catalog came (addressed to her mom) and she quietly put it with my mail.  No comment.  I don’t know if she didn’t bother to check the addressee or if she just thought I would like to look at it.  It is a store I have purchased from before.  She had said she wouldn’t be mean about my gender anymore, and that she was sorry for the way she had treated me.  She doesn’t like to talk about the subject, and I had promised not to bring it up.  But, if we don’t talk about this…it is very hard to know what is going on.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
This kinda sounds like fairly good news regarding your wife's improved attitude toward you... 

... and if I might suggest...  I would point out that the women's clothing catalog
was addressed to her mother...

 ....but be sure to look at it first and place your orders!!!! 
HUGS,
Danielle

[ImAllie]

Hey Rachel - Not sure if your wife is typically this way, but sometimes people who have problem expressing themselves verbally, especially when admitting they’re softening their position on things… might choose actions over words to get the point across.  Surely one mislabeled catalog isn’t conclusive? But, maybe its reason to be hopeful?
Lots of people rooting for you and here for you either way! Hang in there!

Love,
Allie

[Rachel Montgomery]

Hey Rachel - Not sure if your wife is typically this way, but sometimes people who have problem expressing themselves verbally, especially when admitting they’re softening their position on things… might choose actions over words to get the point across.  Surely one mislabeled catalog isn’t conclusive? But, maybe its reason to be hopeful?
Lots of people rooting for you and here for you either way! Hang in there!

Love,
Allie

Thanks for the input y’all.

I talk about things more than she does (to be sure).  So, maybe she is more act oriented.

It wasn’t JUST that it was addressed to her mom.  Up until now, when a women’s catalog came addressed to me, she threw it away without giving it to me.  I knew it had come because she complained “You are NOT a woman.  You will never BE a woman.  Stop ordering women’s clothes.”

I haven’t had a catalog come here in years because of it.  They go to my office.  I get the mail there.  So,  I am not sure if she saw the addressee or not, but there was a change either way in that she didn’t throw it away…she gave it to me.  This means that either: if it had been for me, she would have given it to me; or, she gave it to me knowing it wasn’t for me.  Either way, she chose to give it to me.

[EllenW]

Thanks for the input y’all.

I talk about things more than she does (to be sure).  So, maybe she is more act oriented.

It wasn’t JUST that it was addressed to her mom.  Up until now, when a women’s catalog came addressed to me, she threw it away without giving it to me.  I knew it had come because she complained “You are NOT a woman.  You will never BE a woman.  Stop ordering women’s clothes.”

I haven’t had a catalog come here in years because of it.  They go to my office.  I get the mail there.  So,  I am not sure if she saw the addressee or not, but there was a change either way in that she didn’t throw it away…she gave it to me.  This means that either: if it had been for me, she would have given it to me; or, she gave it to me knowing it wasn’t for me.  Either way, she chose to give it to me.

Rachel
I see this as very good news for you and your wife. My wife acted very much like yours at first. Then as time went on, she learned to accept my gender dysphoria. It was always in small steps and acts. It took time and patience on my part, but it was worth it. At the end of her life, she picked out Ellen as my new name and went with me on the GCS consultations.

Hopefully you wife will follow the same path and the two of you will have a stronger relationship for it.

Ellen

[Battle Goddess]

Sounds like a significant softening to me, Rachel.

Maybe you could arrange for her to "catch" you paging through it.

[Rachel Montgomery]

In the relatively short time I have been here, I have seen a lot of people come here confused, questioning, struggling to deal with something that they cannot control, and that they know would bring a great sense of loss.  They initially question whether transitioning is something that is even possible for them.  And, then rather quickly (by comparison to me anyway) they move to acceptance, and to taking measures to change their lives so that they can be true to themselves.  They suffer fear of losing relationships, but in comparatively short time (compared to me) they reach the conclusion that they have no choice.  And, whether bravely or desperately, they step forward and step and step.

They start HRT, they come out to their co-workers, their friends and their families, and they get on with it.  I respect that A LOT.  I am actually in awe.  Meanwhile, it is as if my feet are stuck in concrete.  I cannot move forward.  I am sorry for their loss, I am happy for their new found joy, I am both jealous that I don’t have that strength, and I am jealous that I am missing out on those experiences; and at the same time I am relieved that I don’t have that strong of a drive to change.  I don’t have that strong of a drive, not yet.  I hope I never do.  But, if I ever will, I hope I can find the strength and courage that so many others here have found.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
It should be obvious and also very important that your path, your goals, your journey is YOURS alone to decide what you should decide to do and how to procede.   
Your personal choices depend on determining factors such as family relationships, employment situations, financial status and other factors that you are the most privy to.

You can certainly read the other postings and stories of other members here on the Forums that may encourage you or even discourage you.   There is no "one size fits all" solution.   

You have to make the tough choices and be sensitive to all the unique situations in your personal life.

I wish you success and happiness, and I wish you well as you make decisions regarding your transition plans.

Here on the Forums, I and the rest of your avid followers are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success as you define and personally determine what that is.

Wishing you well as always.,....  please continue to keep us all updated, but only as you feel comfortable doing.
HUGS,
Danielle

[EllenW]

Rachel,

Please remember that not all of us transitioned at a fast pace. The first time I thought about it was before I meet my future wife. We both thought it was just a phase, and I shoved it down deep inside me. For decades I fought my feelings. It was only after Diane started to accept the fact that I was transgender that I was able to transition. 

So as Denielle said it is your journey, go at the pace that s best for you and your loved ones. We are here to support you were ever your path takes you.

Ellen

[Brooke Renee]

In the relatively short time I have been here, I have seen a lot of people come here confused, questioning, struggling to deal with something that they cannot control, and that they know would bring a great sense of loss.  They initially question whether transitioning is something that is even possible for them.  And, then rather quickly (by comparison to me anyway) they move to acceptance, and to taking measures to change their lives so that they can be true to themselves.  They suffer fear of losing relationships, but in comparatively short time (compared to me) they reach the conclusion that they have no choice.  And, whether bravely or desperately, they step forward and step and step.

They start HRT, they come out to their co-workers, their friends and their families, and they get on with it.  I respect that A LOT.  I am actually in awe.  Meanwhile, it is as if my feet are stuck in concrete.  I cannot move forward.  I am sorry for their loss, I am happy for their new found joy, I am both jealous that I don’t have that strength, and I am jealous that I am missing out on those experiences; and at the same time I am relieved that I don’t have that strong of a drive to change.  I don’t have that strong of a drive, not yet.  I hope I never do.  But, if I ever will, I hope I can find the strength and courage that so many others here have found.

I am with you on the stuck in concrete and jealous part.  I read the blogs and see the posts and dream of what may never be.  I guess it could be, but I am so frozen with fear of losing what I have that I don't know if I will ever be strong enough to make the ultimate step.  Then to make the confusion worse, I am relieved that I am not having to make the decision..  It's madness! 

I read  the post by @NorthernStarGirl about how it feels to be smooth down there.  This really got to me, I mean really, really got to me.  Maybe acknowledging that is the first step to overcoming the fear of change.  Maybe there is a future where I say it is time for me to live as me.  I don't know. 

Glad to know I am not the only one paddling the conflicted canoe. 


Kindest Regards,

Brooke

[Rachel Montgomery]

Rachel,

Please remember that not all of us transitioned at a fast pace. The first time I thought about it was before I meet my future wife. We both thought it was just a phase, and I shoved it down deep inside me. For decades I fought my feelings. It was only after Diane started to accept the fact that I was transgender that I was able to transition. 

So as Denielle said it is your journey, go at the pace that s best for you and your loved ones. We are here to support you were ever your path takes you.

Ellen

Thanks for your support. 

I suppose what I was talking about is the fact that I am NOT transitioning.  And, that is the choice I continue to make.  But, it is simultaneously frustrating.  It is like being on a very restrictive diet, and really wanting to eat more.  A choice, but not one without a feeling of deprivation.  Like a diet. I am doing what I do because I think it is best, not because it is what I crave.  So, I suppose I am jealous a bit of the many who are moving forward, and I wish them the best.  But, I know I can’t do that.  Not now.  Maybe someday.

[Rachel Montgomery]

I am with you on the stuck in concrete and jealous part.  I read the blogs and see the posts and dream of what may never be.  I guess it could be, but I am so frozen with fear of losing what I have that I don't know if I will ever be strong enough to make the ultimate step.  Then to make the confusion worse, I am relieved that I am not having to make the decision..  It's madness! 

I read  the post by @NorthernStarGirl about how it feels to be smooth down there.  This really got to me, I mean really, really got to me.  Maybe acknowledging that is the first step to overcoming the fear of change.  Maybe there is a future where I say it is time for me to live as me.  I don't know. 

Glad to know I am not the only one paddling the conflicted canoe. 


Kindest Regards,

Brooke

Thanks.  I think you are probably feeling similar to me.  I am sorry for what you are going through, but I suppose I am glad that like me, for now, you have a choice not to.  So, I think that is good.