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Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)

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Confused1:
Hi Rachel,

I am not Intersex and do not have Kallman's Syndrome, but we have some similarities. I had prostate surgery in March of 18. It actually started my journey. I have a medical condition from that surgery that I can't live with. I could get no help from my doctors, so I went everywhere looking for answers. I finally happened upon Zero Depth Vaginoplasty on another website. That put the cart in front of the horse for me. I realized I would eventually go there and it was the only way to live a normal life. I knew my wife wouldn't like that so I kept searching. I didn't say anything about it to my wife for six months. That went over well-NOT!

I still did not really know what was wrong inside me, but the cancer returned late last year and I had to go through ADT to lower testosterone and then radiation early this year. After 2 months on ADT, I realized I never want testosterone again. Then I found someone on a prostate cancer website that actually figured out my medical issue. I switched to another urologist. Problem is, the vaginoplasty is still the only viable way to fix it. My new urologist seemed to think so as well.

Early this year, I happened on one of Emma1017's threads, realized I am transgender and that is why my mind so easily accepted the surgery. I realized my past and Emma's were very similar. It created a Aha moment along with Oh No! I always knew these feelings/thoughts were in my head, but not the why.

I had already researched what it took to get the surgery, so I set up a gender therapist appointment and learned a lot more about myself. I suggest you go talk to one. I don't know how much dysphoria you have if any. Puberty was hell for me and it was for awhile after. I only had one period of strong dysphoria a couple decades ago and it eventually seemed to subside. I also think I am gender fluid. I know with many it becomes overwhelming. It did not for me until after my surgery. YMMV. There are not many easy choices in this. Only you can decide what you need to do. A gender therapist can help you sort that out.

I also live in a very conservative state close to you, Arkansas. I have made my wife, daughters, and preacher very uncomfortable this year. I go to a pretty conservative church. Many there also consider being trans a sin, though I have managed to educate my preacher a little. Both of our families live a long distance away and I don't intend to share this with them. They all think I am getting surgery for something else. I have managed to get my wife pretty much on board, but at present I still plan to live as a man. It has been a roller coaster ride, but has improved greatly since the beginning of this. Lack of hormones just started some growth up top. I considered myself non binary, so I never expected the emotions that growing breasts would bring out in me. My wife is OK with that too, especially since it was started by the cancer treatments. Still, I think she is OK as long as I don't start wearing a dress. She has mentioned helping me bind or getting a bra, so there is an opening. If or when we transition, our wives have to as well. Some won't. I hope your wife will understand over time if you decide you need to transition.

Hugs,
Mike

Rachel Montgomery:

--- Quote from: Confused1 on December 18, 2020, 02:55:16 pm ---Hi Rachel,

After 2 months on ADT, I realized I never want testosterone again. Then I found someone on a prostate cancer website that actually figured out my medical issue. I switched to another urologist. Problem is, the vaginoplasty is still the only viable way to fix it. My new urologist seemed to think so as well.
--- End quote ---

What, if you don't mind my asking, is your medical issue such that vaginoplasty is the only viable way to fix?  Gender Dysphoria?  Or, something else? 


--- Quote from: Confused1 ---...so I set up a gender therapist appointment and learned a lot more about myself. I suggest you go talk to one.
--- End quote ---
  I have actually talked to three.  The first one I fired because she said I was a transsexual, and I thought that meant she wasn't listening (because I thought that if you were terrified to transition rather than embracing it, you weren't transsexual).  The second show me the DSM and asked if that wasn't what I was describing.  I cried, it was.  But, I can't see my present therapist because she is shut down over Covid.  No in person appointments.  And, I don't want to do Facetime appointments.


--- Quote from: Confused1 ---I don't know how much dysphoria you have if any.
--- End quote ---

I don't either.  Sometimes it is significant making it hard to think about anything else, sometimes it is like a dull chronic pain in my soul.  How much is that?  Thankfully, I just had a two year run where it was very manageable.  Sadly, that has ended, and right now it is what I would describe as "pretty bad".  I wish I could see my psychologist. 


--- Quote from: Confused1 ---I also live in a very conservative state close to you, Arkansas.
--- End quote ---
Yes, that is probably a similar environment.  Not so close geographically, but close culturally. 


--- Quote from: Confused1 ---I have made my wife, daughters, and preacher very uncomfortable this year.
--- End quote ---
Oh, do tell.  What did you do or say that made them chagrined?


--- Quote from: Confused1 ---I have managed to get my wife pretty much on board, but at present I still plan to live as a man. It has been a roller coaster ride, but has improved greatly since the beginning of this. Lack of hormones just started some growth up top. I considered myself non binary, so I never expected the emotions that growing breasts would bring out in me. My wife is OK with that too, especially since it was started by the cancer treatments. Still, I think she is OK as long as I don't start wearing a dress.
--- End quote ---

If wearing a dress is code for anything that isn't men's clothing, mine is there with her.  I could not satisfy my wife's demands by wearing leggings and a tunic.


--- Quote from: Confused1 ---If or when we transition, our wives have to as well. Some won't. I hope your wife will understand over time if you decide you need to transition.
--- End quote ---
Yes, I suppose so.  My then ex-wife would be very embarrassed for people to know that I was changing my appearance in that way.

Pammie:

--- Quote from: Rachel Montgomery on December 18, 2020, 12:57:22 pm ---In essence, I hope I can avoid transitioning.  My wife did make me promise that if I had to transition to be happy, that I would transition.  But, she said if I did that she would divorce me.  She said we would always be friends. 

I don't really know what that means; "to be happy".  Happy how?  Maybe I have never really been happy and just don't know what it would feel like.  I wouldn't be happy about her divorcing me, about me losing my family, my friends, my career, and moving to somewhere where I know no one.  But, once I went through all of that, MAYBE I could find a way to be happy as a woman?  Or, maybe, as Linde has often said, I would be happier as I am now, spending my life with the woman I love, and not getting to be open about who I am.

Happy is relative, right?  I mean, no one is totally happy, right?  There are good things and bad in every life, and you just have to deal with the bad and appreciate the good, right?  right now, the bad in my life is having to deal with GD.  But, there are a lot of good things. There is a lot about my life that I do appreciate.  The biggest thing missing is being known fully and loved completely.  My wife loves the character who I play, the man she married.  No one else even knows the real me, and my wife doesn't want to ever see me as a woman.

I don't know what to do.  Some people talk about a crossroad, saying there will come a time when you have to decide.  Does there?  If so, did I already cross that point?  Did I already decide (for example, when I became a husband and a step-father) that I would choose that path?  If you go the wrong way on the crossroad, can you turn around?  Or, make a running correction?  How do you know if you already crossed the point of no return?

--- End quote ---
That is clearly a really difficult situation. I guess a key question has to be what did you know about yourself when you made the massive decision to become a husband and stepfather and what do you know now you didn’t then? If ur in a very different place today than at that point then it’s very understandable that you need to take a fresh view on ur life and direction I would suggest . In the end every one of us is on a very personal journey with our own challenges and it’s hard for any of us to be able to advise. Xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Rachel Montgomery:

--- Quote from: Pammie ---That is clearly a really difficult situation. I guess a key question has to be what did you know about yourself when you made the massive decision to become a husband and stepfather and what do you know now you didn’t then? If ur in a very different place today than at that point then it’s very understandable that you need to take a fresh view on ur life and direction I would suggest . In the end every one of us is on a very personal journey with our own challenges and it’s hard for any of us to be able to advise. Xx

--- End quote ---

I suppose I knew everything about myself then that I know now.  I didn’t understand that it would grow worse with age.  I didn’t understand that wanting to be a woman was the important desire making me a transsexual.  I didn’t understand that the only recommendation for how to deal with it all would be transitioning.  But, I knew unambiguously that I wanted to be a woman.  And, I knew that when my first wife divorced me, I seriously considered transitioning.  But, I felt it was impossible for me.  And, I thought it would always be impossible for me.  Because, I really thought I would kill myself rather than transition. 

When I met my present wife, I fell so in love that for a couple of years I didn’t have a problem with dysphoria.  It didn’t go away, but it wasn’t a problem.  After we married, I started having a problem with it again.  And, I became extremely depressed.  I decided that I would certainly kill myself, and soon.  But, I asked my wife whether she would rather be the widow of a man that committed suicide, or divorced from a man who committed suicide.  She didn’t want me to commit suicide and insisted that I tell her what was wrong.  I thought that if I did, she would understand and choose one of the two options.  But, she said she loved me, and she didn’t care.

Later, it became obvious that she did love me, but she did care about me being trans. 

So, I didn’t learn anything new about me, but I did learn more about the way dysphoria can become more aggressive.  I didn’t think psychologist could offer any help.  And, I was horrified when (after listening to me, and hearing me ask for coping strategies) psychologist after psychologist said transitioning was the only way I would ever be happy.  I didn’t know that when I married her.

So, I feel guilty for deceiving her, but I did and do love her.  I did want to be with her forever and still do.  And, I was hiding my secret from everyone, and thought I would always be able to do so.  I just expected to be dead, not to tell anyone. 

Confused1:

--- Quote from: Rachel Montgomery on December 18, 2020, 03:47:14 pm ---What, if you don't mind my asking, is your medical issue such that vaginoplasty is the only viable way to fix?  Gender Dysphoria?  Or, something else? 

I will PM you as to the medical issue causing me to have GCS.

 The second show me the DSM and asked if that wasn't what I was describing.  I cried, it was.  But, I can't see my present therapist because she is shut down over Covid. 

I did a LOT of research previous to seeing my therapist, so I mostly knew what to say and what was required. I was still terrified at the beginning of the first session.
So far my therapist is doing therapy in person, just staying a good 10 feet apart.

I don't either.  Sometimes it is significant making it hard to think about anything else, sometimes it is like a dull chronic pain in my soul.  How much is that?  Thankfully, I just had a two year run where it was very manageable.  Sadly, that has ended, and right now it is what I would describe as "pretty bad".  I wish I could see my psychologist. 

I have gender dysphoria, but it is mostly manageable. We all face choices and mine was to remain married and deal with mild dysphoria. It all depends on whether you can do that. I did have a pretty intense spell a couple decades ago, but I managed to choke it down after awhile. At the time I didn't understand what was causing it. I had a traumatic experience as a child I blamed most of my problems on. I believe I am gender fluid, which probably plays a part. Sounds like you may be as well?

 
Oh, do tell.  What did you do or say that made them chagrined?

There have been many things that set off my wife, from the possibility of transition publically to being a lesbian (she is not) to the biblical feelings about it. It was a very wild ride at first, but has mostly settled down now. My daughters were OK at first, but slipped some for different reasons. They both still love me and we have worked through most of it. I have had many interesting conversations with my preacher, but he is pretty much OK with it now as long as I stay "male" outwardly. It was pretty strained when I first came out to him. I know the bible better than almost anybody at my church and they come to me for Bible answers as much as they do the preacher. That helps.

If wearing a dress is code for anything that isn't men's clothing, mine is there with her.  I could not satisfy my wife's demands by wearing leggings and a tunic.

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