Topic: Rachel Montgomery's Journey (Part I?)

[Rachel Montgomery]

Dear @Rachel Montgomery,

Having just discovered your blog, i raced through all your entries to catch up on your life.

Wow!  I am honored.  Thank you for spending time to try to understand me.

I'm sad for you. Like so many other married MTFs who hid their authentic selves, you're now backed into a corner with your marriage. Discarding one part makes you miserable in the other part. It's a no-win situation, although some people here have found compromise. Others have sacrificed transitioning to make everyone happy, usually requiring persona sacrifice.

Well, I don’t really feel sorry for myself.  I am a little angry and very disappointed.

I should have been brave enough to be honest about who I was.  But, I was just a kid at first.  And, then it sort of snowballed on me.  Sunk cost, telling myself it was too late and I had invested too much into who the world saw me as being.  And, shame.  I did feel a significant amount of shame from a very early age.  I was way too young to have to deal with that.

Of course, you know how common it is for these transition feelings, after being pent up for too long, to eventually explode outward.

I was unaware of that until recently, I only discovered that about 5 years ago.  And, I didn’t really understand what it was like until, well the last few months.  Reading Emma’s blog has been eyes opening.  And, an older friend of mine from another website made it 70 years before it became too much.  So, she is separated from her wife and has transitioned.  She had to move from Alabama.  Her landlord “trespassed” her from her own apartment because she is trans.  That legally would not have held, and the manager was fired by the owner company.  But, the damage was done.  She didn’t want to live in that town any longer.

Most of us have lived in fear, as i have. I was TOO scared to tell anyone when i was 12, feeling i'd be shamed as you were. The terror of being found out forced me to lock away all feelings for 50 years. Oh, how i wish i lived in a confirming environment back then.

I try not to think about that.  The prospect of electro shock therapy was just something I couldn’t put myself through. 

I still see <deadname> in the mirror, but then i've been conditioned to see <deadname> my whole life.

It is surreal, but I don’t.  I look in the mirror and no longer recognize myself.  It’s the weight loss.

I wish I saw a woman looking back, but..it’s just some familiar looking stranger that bears a striking family resemblance.

what i hope to share with you is that you're among friends, that your blog is an important window, both for us and for you, so i hope you keep letting the thoughts flow out.

Laura

Thanks.

[Rachel Montgomery]

My wife and I went today to have pedicures.  I also had a manicure.

I was in full male mode, but it wasn’t as awkward as I expected.  Wow, the woman who did mine had strong hands!  I wonder how different our Spa day will be in February?  We will get facials and massages. 

[ChrissyRyan]

My wife and I went today to have pedicures.  I also had a manicure.

I was in full male mode, but it wasn’t as awkward as I expected.  Wow, the woman who did mine had strong hands!  I wonder how different our Spa day will be in February?  We will get facials and massages.

Facials are nice!

Chrissy

[Northern Star Girl]

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Sounds like a wonderful time that you had with your wife....  pedicures and manicures are so relaxing and also so  affirming.   Did you get your nails painted?  Fingers and toes?   Pictures?

You will enjoy your spa day.   Please keep us all updated. 
Thank you for sharing with me and the rest of your followers.

HUGS,
Danielle

My wife and I went today to have pedicures.  I also had a manicure.

I was in full male mode, but it wasn’t as awkward as I expected.  Wow, the woman who did mine had strong hands!  I wonder how different our Spa day will be in February?  We will get facials and massages.

[Rachel Montgomery]

No polish for me.  She had gel polish put on her toes.  I went presenting as a man, and was treated accordingly.  They were nice and respectful, but in all ways treated me like a man. 

My feet are sooo soft. 

[Rachel Montgomery]

The hospital called today.  My wife’s surgery has been canceled.  All to the beds are filled with Covid patients.  They don’t know when she can reschedule.  We really want the tumor removed before it metastasis (if it hasn’t already). 

[Northern Star Girl]

The hospital called today.  My wife’s surgery has been canceled.  All to the beds are filled with Covid patients.  They don’t know when she can reschedule.  We really want the tumor removed before it metastasis (if it hasn’t already).

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Reading what you wrote regarding your wife's delay in getting needed surgery makes me very upset on her belhalf and other medical patients that need and require immediate access to surgeries and other procedures.   

As I communicate with a lot of my friends around the USA (and elsewhere) I have found that there are some areas of the country that are inundated with Covid patients like where you live ... and there are some areas and states that are not, and are going ahead with providing elective surgeries and procedures in a timely manner.

What really disturbs me is how can anyone say that your wife's situation is non-essential and that she will have to wait?

My heart hurts for you and your wife as you experience these delays that can have a big impact on your wife's health.   I hope, trust and pray that she can get scheduled soon for the medical assistance that is needed. 
Please let her know that she has been added to my prayer list with my weekly Bible Study group.

Many HUGS and best wishes....     
Danielle

[Rachel Montgomery]

Northern Star Girl, Thank you for your concern.

I am obsessing about it (as I tend to do when I worry), but I need to act somewhat nonchalant, or it will drive her crazy.  She doesn’t want to hear about it, and she doesn’t want to see me upset about it.

[Rachel Montgomery]

I had my first meeting with my new therapist (she isn't a psychologist, but has a Phd. in counseling).  She seems nice.  Most of the first meeting was paperwork and getting familiar with each other. 

My weight loss has stalled (perhaps in part due to that cheeseburger and fries Monday night).  I only lost 0.2 lbs since last week, and actually weigh just a little more than last Thursday.  But, I am re-focused on my diet and exercise plan, and hope to lose two pounds or more in the next week. We'll see.
 

[Laura1951]

Weight loss is a long-term struggle. For the past few years, I've kept a spreadsheet where each Tuesday morning, I weigh myself and log the number. It helps me celebrate progress while providing guilt when I've cheated. LOL. Keep up the faith.

Laura

[RandyL]

Rachel, I'm sorry your wife's surgery is delayed. I hope the tumor remains contained until it can be removed.

I weigh myself daily, not to obsess but just to see how it fluctuates. It can vary by several pounds depending on my hydration and bowels. So I don't worry about a change unless it persists over several days.

[Rachel Montgomery]

Rachel, I'm sorry your wife's surgery is delayed. I hope the tumor remains contained until it can be removed.

I weigh myself daily, not to obsess but just to see how it fluctuates. It can vary by several pounds depending on my hydration and bowels. So I don't worry about a change unless it persists over several days.

It has been fairly steady since Saturday.  But, like I said, I ate some things that were not on the diet, and I knew it.  I think if I follow the script, the weight will come off over the next week.

[Rachel Montgomery]

I am proud to report that I have now lost more than 50 lbs. 

On the down side, none of my women's clothing will fit me now.  I think the bras will even be too large (band size).  All of the prosthetics should still be fine, though I may go from a C to a D cup, in going down in band size.  I'll have to check that.  Eventually, if I keep losing weight, my boobs will look too large for me, and I will have to get some smaller one's.

Now, I just need to find the time to get some accurate measurements with everything on, so I can start making guesses about sizes.  I am thinking I will be in the size 22W-24W range.  Based on my estimates, I might need a 24 for my top and a 22 for my jeans/leggings. 

And, I have to work out how to get them delivered.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
Hey girl, this is ALL good news....   losing 50 pounds!!!!  A big accomplishment that took immense willpower and personal determination...   Kudos to you.

... and the other problem of all of your women's clothing being too big and not fitting correctly, well now, that is a wonderful problem to have in my opinion.

Again, great news that you reported...
Wishing you well as always.
HUGS,
Danielle

I am proud to report that I have now lost more than 50 lbs. 

On the down side, none of my women's clothing will fit me now.  I think the bras will even be too large (band size).  All of the prosthetics should still be fine, though I may go from a C to a D cup, in going down in band size.  I'll have to check that.  Eventually, if I keep losing weight, my boobs will look too large for me, and I will have to get some smaller one's.

Now, I just need to find the time to get some accurate measurements with everything on, so I can start making guesses about sizes.  I am thinking I will be in the size 22W-24W range.  Based on my estimates, I might need a 24 for my top and a 22 for my jeans/leggings. 

And, I have to work out how to get them delivered.

[Pammie]

I am proud to report that I have now lost more than 50 lbs. 

On the down side, none of my women's clothing will fit me now.  I think the bras will even be too large (band size).  All of the prosthetics should still be fine, though I may go from a C to a D cup, in going down in band size.  I'll have to check that.  Eventually, if I keep losing weight, my boobs will look too large for me, and I will have to get some smaller one's.

Now, I just need to find the time to get some accurate measurements with everything on, so I can start making guesses about sizes.  I am thinking I will be in the size 22W-24W range.  Based on my estimates, I might need a 24 for my top and a 22 for my jeans/leggings. 

And, I have to work out how to get them delivered.

Well done!


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[RandyL]

Rachel, that's super! It takes real determination and persistence to achieve what you have done. Way to go!

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[Rachel Montgomery]

I never wanted to be trans.  I have always blamed my being transgender for the problems in my life.  I thought it was a sin.  I thought it was wrong.  I thought it wasn’t “true”; not that I wasn’t feeling it, but that the true reality was that I was a boy or a man, and I was somehow indulging in a fantasy that both drew me in and destroyed me.  “quod me nutrit me destruit”. 

But, I am now convinced that my <transgender> is the result of hormone levels during development.  As I contemplate the situation, what has caused the serious damage in my life isn’t my being transgender.  It is my family’s intolerance and bigotry; their transphobia, which I internalized.  I hated myself because I judged myself by their wrong standards.  And, it isn’t just my family; it is true of most people (at least where I live). 

So, what now?  I am in my late 50’s.  I am married to a woman that I love, and want to spend the rest of my life with.  I really do love her.  But, I am afraid she doesn’t really love “me”.  She loves the guy she thought that she married, not the transwoman to whom she is married.  Maybe she actually loves me.  I don’t know.  But, she hasn’t accepted this important aspect of who I am.  She has accepted the fact of it, but not the consequences that flow naturally from the fact.

How do I best manage this situation?  Do I destroy the life I built on deception?  Or, do I make the best I can of it?

The part about destroying my life isn’t an exaggeration.  I now know it didn’t have to be this way.  I think I could have been happier, and at least not spent my whole life building a house of cards.  I could have built a life for myself as a woman.

But, I cannot go back and do it differently.  I can only move forward from where I am.  The question too many of us find ourselves asking after spending much of our lives building families, and careers and whatever: “which hurts less”, indeed?

[RandyL]

Rachel, this is a difficult conundrum you find yourself in. If you think you can actually pull off living a successful life (however you define it) either way, then yes you have a heavy choice to make.

In my own case it became clear that I would probably commit suicide if I tried to suppress my transgender nature. The difficult choice for me was to finally admit what I was truly feeling and to recognize that I couldn't suppress it indefinitely. I couldn't be a good partner for my wife no matter which way I decided.

I wish you all the best as you grapple with this. Hugs, Randy

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[Rachel Montgomery]

Ok.  My wife has been dropped off for her scheduled surgery.  It will happen some time this afternoon.  They are allowing 1 visitor from 5-7PM.  They won’t let me in right now, not even to sit in a waiting room (Covid-19 precautions). 

[Northern Star Girl]

Ok.  My wife has been dropped off for her scheduled surgery.  It will happen some time this afternoon.  They are allowing 1 visitor from 5-7PM.  They won’t let me in right now, not even to sit in a waiting room (Covid-19 precautions).

@Rachel Montgomery
Dear Rachel:
I wish for your wife, safety and a successful surgery... and a quick healing.  How many days will she be in the hospital?
This Covid thing really creates a lot of difficulty as you mentioned... you can't go into the hospital with her, and you can't even wait in the waiting room....  at least you both have cell phones and can Face-Time with each other....   consider that a blessing.

HUGS,
Danielle