Author Topic: I suspect im a covert masochist  (Read 411 times)

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Offline Pammie

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I suspect im a covert masochist
« on: December 20, 2020, 06:49:20 am »
I realised the other day that despite my concerns about passing and my sadness when I don’t, I keep challenging myself and taking the harder option. Silly little things like where I walk, when I shop and the routes I take to the shops are all calculated based on maximising the number of people I will pass.
I suspect this stems from my one rule I set for myself when I decided to go full-time! That was “I can go full-time ONLY if there is NOTHING im not prepared to do that I used to do!”
4 weeks after going full-time I went to my first football match at Middlesbrough (I’ve been a fan for 54 years) - I was terrified but did it!


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Offline Gertrude

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Re: I suspect im a covert masochist
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2020, 08:24:01 am »
I realised the other day that despite my concerns about passing and my sadness when I don’t, I keep challenging myself and taking the harder option. Silly little things like where I walk, when I shop and the routes I take to the shops are all calculated based on maximising the number of people I will pass.
I suspect this stems from my one rule I set for myself when I decided to go full-time! That was “I can go full-time ONLY if there is NOTHING im not prepared to do that I used to do!”
4 weeks after going full-time I went to my first football match at Middlesbrough (I’ve been a fan for 54 years) - I was terrified but did it!


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Good for you! I wish I had your courage. Some day. My question is, what got you over the hump? You and I are probably in the same generation, been living with this for a long time. When and how did you make it ok for yourself to be you? I am in a space where some days I feel I'd be better off dead and then I know that's not the answer and it's like being between a rock and a hard place.

Offline Nadine Spirit

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Re: I suspect im a covert masochist
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2020, 08:42:02 am »
This reminds me of my early days back when I thought I was a cross dresser.  When I first worked up the courage to actually get out of my house, I thought there were only certain places I could go.  Like, I'll be fine if I go to the movies where no none could really see me, but if I tried going to a museum I'd be fully persecuted.  It occurred to me to stop just blinding believing my fears and instead test them.  It became like a game.  Oh look I can actually go to museums, but I bet you I wouldn't be able to go to CostCo.  Okay, then after successfully navigating CostCo, then it moved to something else, well sure everything was fine there, but it will probably be horrible if you _________.  Thus I spent years pushing myself more and more to just be willing to be me, doing anything I wanted to.  I never did find anyplace that I was not able to go.   

Offline Pammie

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Re: I suspect im a covert masochist
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2020, 10:42:28 am »
Im not sure there are many advantages to not having always known who I really am but maybe this is one!
Having suddenly discovered myself I didn’t really have any baggage but I did have drive the like of which I had never experienced! I just needed to be myself and the imperative was overwhelming .
I won’t go into the doubts and disbelief that it took me a year in limbo to resolve because that’s nothing for the decades others have endured!
Ultimately, finally feeling complete for the first time in my life was the most powerful weapon of all!


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Offline davina61

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Re: I suspect im a covert masochist
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2020, 12:28:15 pm »
Good for you Pam, now you know I just do stuff and bugger everyone else so never had a problem going anywhere .
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Offline Pammie

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Re: I suspect im a covert masochist
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2020, 12:30:25 pm »
Good for you Pam, now you know I just do stuff and bugger everyone else so never had a problem going anywhere .
Oh yes, I know! Im full of awed admiration!!


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Online AllieSF

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Re: I suspect im a covert masochist
« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2020, 05:56:36 pm »
Not masochism, just determination for a great causes  Keep up the good work.  It all pays off well over time.


Allie
HRT - February 2017
Full Time - July 2018
Orchi - January 2018
BA - September 25, 2019
FFS - January 10, 2020
GRS - TBDDD (To Be Determined, Decision and Date)

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