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Toni's amazing confused journey

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Toni1:
I guess I am not too observant. I just the other day noticed this personal blog space to keep record of life. So let's see how this goes. If anything, I write for myself. I guess that is what a blog is?? I'm an older generation trans woman relatively new in her journey so this blog concept is new and still foreign to me. But I give it a try. I guess I'll write about my transition awarenesses, thoughts, ideas and  feelings past and present as they occur to me. Maybe in no particular order so forgive that. As with others I am greatful for Susan's Place for providing a virtual home of support.

Toni1

Northern Star Girl:

--- Quote from: Toni1 on December 27, 2020, 10:55:07 am ---I guess I am not too observant. I just the other day noticed this personal blog space to keep record of life. So let's see how this goes. If anything, I write for myself. I guess that is what a blog is?? I'm an older generation trans woman relatively new in her journey so this blog concept is new and still foreign to me. But I give it a try. I guess I'll write about my transition awarenesses, thoughts, ideas and  feelings past and present as they occur to me. Maybe in no particular order so forgive that. As with others I am greatful for Susan's Place for providing a virtual home of support.

Toni1

--- End quote ---

@Toni1
Dear Toni1:
I am so very glad to see that created your very own personal Blog/Journal... keeping a journal is good personal therapy.   I also always recommend keeping a more private and personal "old-school" Pen&Paper journal at home.   

I do indeed keep personal journal at my home which is full of colorful doodling, sometimes illegible and hurried writing, snapshot photos, notes about doctors appointments, my romantic endeavors, my coming out trials and tribulations, and other writings about those that I am friends with, those that accept me, those that do not accept me, and my issues with my non-accepting parents and family, etc, etc.
 
I find that it is definitely very good personal therapy to write out my feelings and venting...  and ponder my situations in my journal.  Just writing out these things can help me to sort out my priorities and to find ways to help positively solve my issues.

Again, congratulation in started your own BLOG/journal here on the Forums.
When you report good news we will all rejoice with you and be happy for you... and when you write not-so-good news we will lend you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.   We are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success and happiness.

My home journals (I have several now) are not in any kind of a fancy book and not with a clever cover...  mine are rather plain 3 ring notebooks that allows for adding pages and inserting lots of notes and scribbles and some  photos too.   
Whatever works for you is important, after-all it is YOUR JOURNAL to do with what you want.

I often find myself leafing through some of the past entrees of my BLOG/journal postings here on the Forums and my personal journals that I keep at home and will sit and read it for hours on a cold rainy night sitting in my comfy chair sometimes with a smile and laughter, sometimes with satisfaction with my decisions,  and sometimes with tears in my eyes.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts....  I will be eagerly following your postings.
Hugs and best wishes to you....
Danielle

SarahEL:
I will look forward to reading about your journey, a blog is a great thing to do for youself.. well done Toni..
Good luck and enjoy sharing with us all... we are all here to support you..  xx

Toni1:
Thankyou Sarah and Northern Star Girl.
So I will just start my ramblings.  It's amazing how the journey goes on unconsciously or more likely suppressed out of consciousness for so long in my life. Although I've been confused about who I was since childhood I had no idea why I never felt good about myself until now. A good part of my life I ignored who I was and just concentrated on school and career blocking out my social and emotional life. Spending the rest of my time self medicated with drinking. I identified as gay but that never felt true. Eventually in midlife I married a wonderful woman because she persistently pursued me and I figured at that point what the heck. That changed my life. I have never been happier and we are blessed with a beautiful daughter who is now 16. I laugh at the thought that I guess I was right about being gay back then. I just didn't fully realize yet I was a gay woman and not a gay man. My physical  transition started to express in my marriage. Since high school I had a moustache which my wife hated so eventually I shaved it off. After that as I became more feminine my wife was amazed on how my looks improved. I am small stature (petite) and never was able to find male clothes or shoes that looked nice and fit. Eventually I found that women's shoes, t-shirt s and jeans fit me better and looked nicer than any male attire. So that was the beginning. From that beginning it has gotten to a point now that my wife is almost like my personal shopper. She often finds things she thinks would look cute and encourages me to try them on. I must say she has a good eye for style pointing out items to me that otherwise I would have never considered..
Well that's it for now. I have to get dinner ready.
Bye

Jessica_Rose:
Whenever I question my decision to transition, I just pick an old, random post from my blog and begin reading. It reminds me where I used to be, and how far I have come. It sounds like you have plenty of support, which makes the journey a bit easier. I wish you all the best.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

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