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Toni's amazing confused journey

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Thanks Jessica,
Interesting you should mention looking back and maybe questioning transition. Just last week I had one of those moments, I was like what the heck am I doing?!
I know my life has been my transition but I really started my gradual physical and social transition about 5 years ago. And then last week just that one time I woke up with that what the heck question. Fortunately by the next day it passed.  I think a couple things triggered that. First, was the day before, my wife questioned me. She was confused and worried. Up untill now my transition is so subtle over time that seeing me everyday it's not that noticable, unlike if you only saw me every few months or so. So even though for the last few months I am pretty much correctly gendered by those who do not know me, my wife had one of those "who are you" moments. For me saying the words about my transition somehow made it even more real than my day to day reality. She also mentioned that she had told her family too. So in my mind it was like it was for real now. Sounds strange huh?! (My in-laws have always loved me and continue to!)  Her fears were that I was no longer attracted to her and I held her and assured her that she is and always will be the love of my life. (She then suggested that  on Valentine's Day I wear this new dress she picked for me and we go just the two of us on a special date. Wow.)
So I guess my "what the heck" moment was that all of a sudden it hit my brain that all this was real. Sounds confused and strange. Life is wonderfully weird.
The second trigger was that I looked in the mirror. All these months wearing a mask in a way is a blessing. No need to worry about makeup on the lower face. Without makeup I felt ugly. Happily that resolved with a little makeup.
I guess those moments happen.

A pretty quiet day. Had appointment at the hair salon. So that was fun as always laughing and girl talk with my stylist. Began growing my hair out and developing a feminine style last year. It's coming around nicely. The stylist I first went to last year moved out of the area. I was so happy that the owner offered to take me on as a client even though she was not open to new clients. We're both having fun as I transition in developing my new style. My hair is now down to my collar bone.

Maid Marion:
Hi Toni,

Great hearing about  your fun salon appointment! 

I've been trimming off the split ends for almost 2 years now, so my hair is reaching the middle of my back.


My wife was one of the last people to accept my transition. She always tried to help, even while biting her tongue. We slept in separate bedrooms for months, and for a long time I didn't think our marriage would survive. Eventually she realized that I had become a different person, and the parts of me which used to frighten her had faded away. I never gave her a say in my transition. It was more like 'I'm doing this, and I won't stop you if you want to leave.' I still don't really understand why she stayed, but I know I will never leave her.

My transition was like throwing a switch. Until 'T-Day', only my wife, my manager, one co-worker, and HR knew about it. 'He' made the announcement on Friday. Saturday, she went to a hair salon, got her ears pierced, then visited Merle Norman to learn some basic makeup. Jessica went to work on Monday. My family, who live nearly 1000 miles away, were just about the last people I told.

Until COVID-19, I would never go outside without makeup. In late February of this year I got really sick, even lost my sense of smell for a week or two. I was so weak that when I needed to buy groceries I decided that putting on makeup would burn up too much energy. Guess what? No one really seemed to care that I wasn't wearing makeup. I still prefer to use it, but wearing a mask makes it futile right now, except maybe for mascara.

It is interesting when you begin to see your true self in the mirror, it usually catches you off guard. Slowly, the new reflection becomes your new reality. We are usually the last to notice the changes others have seen for months.

Glad you found a stylist that you enjoy working with, they are worth their weight in gold.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Hi Marion and Jessica Rose, 
It's a process growing hair out. I remember last year I was shy about asking for a feminine style. We live in a small town in the northwoods so I was shy explaining what I was doing. My first style appointment I said I was going for an androgenous look. After that the ice was broken. When the owner took me on I showed her a picture of the transgender woman Zoe Knox from Canada to show her my idea of where I was hoping to go with my hair. (By the way Zoe's wife Amanda wrote a book Love Lives Here. It is wonderful.)  Since opening up to her she has been so supportive and helpful in developing my look as I transition. I even took a couple of makeup classes at her salon.
We went to a nearby town yesterday to shop. Bought a cute sweater dress and cute suede grey dress boots. My wife is still getting used to us being addressed as ladies when we are together. We talked some more last night. She remains totally supportive although confused about transgender. As always she says she wants me to be happy and I know she truly does. But still, I always try my best to be in touch with her feelings. I so badly want her to be happy too. We continue to be sensitive to each other's needs. I also keep sensitive to my daughter. At 16 life is already a peer pressure h*** so when we are at one of her events I dress more androgenous. It works out.
Well Happy New Year to all. May the New Year bring you happiness and health.


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