Author Topic: Toni's amazing confused journey  (Read 4332 times)

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Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #60 on: April 26, 2021, 07:37:06 pm »
Thanks Randi.

Just another thought...
I make lunch/dinner each day and bring it to my wife at work so we can eat together in the car. Today it occurred to me that we get our strength from each other. As opposed to the gossip coworker at a time I wasn't there and my wife felt awkward. The other day as I was leaving and she was working with a different coworker she called out "bye girlfriend" and I blew her a kiss. We both laughed with the coworker looking amazed. We both are certainly individually strong and confident but when together our strength and confidence multiply.
Toni

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #61 on: April 27, 2021, 12:47:49 pm »
Just a funny thought I had. I just bought a pair of heels, the first pair at 2.6". My wife has never really worn heels as she was a little shy at being taller than me even in bare feet. Now with heels I am the taller one. I was remembering the saying of "who wears the pants in the house" meaning who's the man, who's in charge. I guess I'm the one who wears the heels in the house.

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #62 on: April 29, 2021, 11:23:06 pm »
Had a fun day out with my wife  today. We had some business in the "city" I say "city" because it's really nothing more than a medium sized town. No Costco or much else but there is a Sam's Club. Anyway I was as usual dressed nicely in a cute short dress. We have a full sized pick up truck so we stopped for some cheap gas to fill up. Pulling into the gas islands I pulled up behind another pickup like ours and in the other lane another pick up both with guys getting gas. My wife noticed that and jokingly said for me to be careful. When I was done filling up my wife was somewhat jealous. She said the guy in front of us was checking me out. She jokingly said that if he wanted me he could have me. I assured her as always my love was and is always for her. I told her maybe he was just impressed that this petite woman in a short dress hopped out of this big truck and filled it with gas.  But for me I was actually flattered. Here's this guy half my age and I'm turning his head. Again, even though we joked about it I really think she was a bit jealous.
Toni

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #63 on: May 02, 2021, 05:27:35 pm »
Another Sunday time goes by so fast. Mentally I was in a funk this morning. Getting ready for church my thoughts were so self negative looking in the mirror feeling ugly feeling I was just looking odd. I almost just didn't go to church but I just pushed ahead. I was so surprised that as I walked in the door the woman who was greeting everyone  commented on how cute my dress was. After Mass as I walked out another woman was handing out bulletins and as she handed one to me she said "You look so lovely today".
Maybe the Lord was sending me a message. A feeling may just be a feeling and have nothing to do with reality.
Toni

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #64 on: May 02, 2021, 05:43:42 pm »
Another Sunday time goes by so fast. Mentally I was in a funk this morning. Getting ready for church my thoughts were so self negative looking in the mirror feeling ugly feeling I was just looking odd. I almost just didn't go to church but I just pushed ahead. I was so surprised that as I walked in the door the woman who was greeting everyone  commented on how cute my dress was. After Mass as I walked out another woman was handing out bulletins and as she handed one to me she said "You look so lovely today".
Maybe the Lord was sending me a message. A feeling may just be a feeling and have nothing to do with reality.
Toni


Feelings are very important.

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #65 on: May 02, 2021, 07:48:55 pm »
@Toni1
Dear Toni: 
Thank you for sharing about your Sunday. 
I look at your report as good news ....  acceptance from your church members and the positive greetings that you received from some of the church ladies.  Be sure to count your blessings.

I attended church today with my tooth-fairy sweetie as we usually do every Sunday.  After church we had a light lunch out and then I came home to relax a little reading a few pages of a good book that I have been reading. 
Before I starting doing some much needed house chores, cleaning, vacuuming, dusting, laundry, etc.  I even took a short nap this afternoon.
As soon as the snow melts up in the hills I will be hiking the trails on the weekends.   Fortunately the gyms are open so I have been able to resume going to the gym for my weekly workout and exercise time with my Gym Gals group.

Oh, regarding your mirrors.... stay away from them....  mirrors and cameras are not necessarily a girl's best friend.
Be positive and think positive about yourself.   
Negativity begets more negativity and erodes your self-assurance and self-confidence.

Kudos to you for continuing to attend church.... you need to keep your soul fed.
Thank you for posting and sharing about your day today.
HUGS and best wishes to you as you continue in your journey.
Danielle


Another Sunday time goes by so fast. Mentally I was in a funk this morning. Getting ready for church my thoughts were so self negative looking in the mirror feeling ugly feeling I was just looking odd. I almost just didn't go to church but I just pushed ahead. I was so surprised that as I walked in the door the woman who was greeting everyone  commented on how cute my dress was. After Mass as I walked out another woman was handing out bulletins and as she handed one to me she said "You look so lovely today".
Maybe the Lord was sending me a message. A feeling may just be a feeling and have nothing to do with reality.
Toni
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #66 on: May 04, 2021, 07:45:29 pm »
Hi Chrissy,
Oh yes feelings are certainly very important. My comments were that feelings can be influenced by our thoughts, our self talk and certainly by our hormones. So in my case my being in a funk the other morning influenced my thoughts and feelings such that I felt unattractive. The compliments from the ladies at church made me aware that those earlier feelings of unattractiveness were not congruent with reality. In that case my earlier feelings about myself were not accurate based on reality. They were simply stray off feelings.
Positive self talk and affirmations are  especially important to push through those difficult moments.
Thanks for checking in Chrissy,
Toni

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #67 on: May 04, 2021, 08:14:11 pm »
Thanks Danielle,
What a wonderful Sunday afternoon you had. The weather here is changing and we no longer have snow. I can't wait for the trees to become green again. I guess I'm on a roll since last Sunday's compliments. Today I dropped off a car payment at the credit union and the teller commented on the cute sweater I was wearing. I just thought to myself "wow".

I have spent the last few years as a homemaker but now that our daughter is older I've applied for a couple of jobs. Tomorrow and Thursday I have my interviews. I've applied as Toni but for the background check etc  I use my pre transition name since I have not changed  that legally nor my gender marker. I don't see any problems but just looking forward to the funny moment when there's the realization of my transition.
That's about it.
Toni

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #68 on: May 07, 2021, 02:11:29 pm »
Well today I got a job at a shop. I'm a little nervous because I haven't worked outside of being homemaker and parent for awhile. The manager and I completed the paperwork etc and I start next Wednesday. For now just part time. Since my legal name and gender are not yet changed the paperwork was creating some dysphoria for me. I told the manager my legal name but told her everyone calls me Toni and that was fine. Then in the background check she had to input a gender. She looked at me asking what she should put and I told her legally  I'm classified male. The great thing was that when we were finished with the paperwork we went out of her office and she proceeded to introduce me to everyone saying: "Good news, this is Toni and she will be starting next week." So very cool.

Toni

Offline davina61

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #69 on: May 07, 2021, 02:31:56 pm »
nice one dear, best of luck.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Offline RandiL

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #70 on: May 07, 2021, 07:34:58 pm »
It's gonna take awhile to get through all the legalities for name and gender, for me anyway. I'm glad your manager was so supportive.

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My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #71 on: May 12, 2021, 09:44:39 pm »
Thanks Davina and Randi,
Today was my first day at work and it was great. From the start I was put at the front cashier line with a crash course of one minute on how to do the cash register. For me a fun day. After so long at home as a homemaker I am now very much up front meeting so many people. For me this is wonderful as I am now always talking with the customers and this will certainly more quickly solidify my voice training finding my feminine voice.
Good day
Toni

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #72 on: May 16, 2021, 01:30:53 pm »


The last couple of weeks for some reason I didn't feel very presentable going to church but I guess it was just my mood. This morning was better. I wore these new shoes and oh my goodness they were noisy Click click click.... I guess if in the last month or so if no one noticed me everyone certainly noticed me this morning clicking up the aisle. Anyway all was good. The woman who tells me I look lovely each week today said I looked very very lovely. Always wonderful being complimented.
Work going well. In my own mind I wonder am I truly "passing"? Customers have all been wonderful. We were chatting a couple of cis women and I noticed the one sort of checking me out up and down but that's it. Maybe that's just what she does and it's not about me. This is so new being so up front and out chatting up customers each day. I don't feel particularly feminine because of our dress code of polo shirt and black slacks but I guess that doesn't matter. I am still a woman.
My wife was amazed yesterday. As we were going out I tried to dress in boy mode. I just had a baggy sweatshirt and jeans. To the both of our amazement we were still addressed as ladies.
So life is good clicking shoes and all.
Toni

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #73 on: May 16, 2021, 02:51:50 pm »
@Toni1
Dear Tony:
Thank you for sharing and posting your good news.
Continue building up your self-assurance and self-confidence....

Always be thankful for the complements you get...
...especially from the church Lady.  :D

A smart girl always accepts complements with a thankful smile
and possibly a positive reply comment.
 
Going to your church is a good way to get yourself seen, known
and accepted by your acquaintances and friends.


HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #74 on: May 23, 2021, 12:18:54 pm »
Thanks Danielle as always for your encouragement.
Another Sunday check in for me I guess. Going to services this morning was good. Had a good experience chatting with a couple of the "church ladies". I guess I'm now becoming a "church lady" too..... or am I turning into Dana Carvey?  A couple of days ago I was feeling low. I just felt so ugly. My wife was so supportive getting me out of that mood. Maybe it was just the weather as it was warm and very muggy here that day. I think also that over here masks are pretty much optional if you have been vaccinated was part of my reaction. Looking at myself without the mask triggered a major dysphoria. I guess it's a matter of getting used to how I look. Yesterday was the first day I went to work without a mask. Pretty much none of the customers misgendered me that I noticed. One guy did leave saying "Thanks man". It wasn't ma'am. So that's questionable maybe it was just a generic thanks man. Oh well. Overall I find our customers to be very friendly and fun to chat with. They usually leave with a smile so that's good. I noticed the manager watching yesterday and I think she was pleased to see the customers leave happy.
So again that's it.

Toni

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #75 on: June 02, 2021, 08:39:24 am »
Overall all is well. The hrt I guess is subtlety progressing. My wife teased me the other day in the store as I was turning around and brushed a display of gift cards making some fall in the floor. My wife laughed saying my butt was getting bigger. I guess I'm curving out.
Work is fine the customers all very nice. A young man the other day looked at me deeply in the eyes chatting while he was in my checkout line. At the end saying thankyou Toni as he walked out. We wear nametags at work so customers know our name. His looking deeply in my eyes felt intimate. I don't know how to interpret that. Either he was attracted to me or maybe just deeply amazed and intrigued. Like I told my hair stylist the other day at the very least I bring a bit of "color" to this little northwoods area.
I was trying to find a previous topic about being a trans advocate. In my mind I'm concluding that I am a trans advocate by just being me. Whether people see me as cis or trans at work we chat and more times than not they leave with a smile on their face. If they see me as cis that's fine and if they see me as trans  that's good too as they get to leave having interacted with a trans woman who left them feeling good about themselves.
Last Sunday my church girlfriend was a bit disappointed as I had only worn a more casual outfit rather than a nice dress. I'll get more dressed up next time.
Well time to get lunch cooking for when my Honey comes home to eat. Then off to work I go.
Toni

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #76 on: June 21, 2021, 04:44:32 pm »
Wow time just goes by so quickly so catch up time here. My job is going well. I treat it as my recreation and social time chatting with the customers. I am amazed that even those who knew me in my town pre transition address me as a woman. I had one customer tell me that I should be a radio announcer as my voice according to her was so soothing.

Father's Day yesterday and was literally uneventful. Like my Honey said I am now a mommy. Even my in laws said the same thing so that was good. It's a little weird for me but good. This is the first Father's Day to pass this way so I guess I'm certainly well into the social part of transitioning too.

So that's just my quick check in.
Happy Pride month and Happy 1st day of summer.
Toni




Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #77 on: November 27, 2021, 08:22:07 am »
Catch up ramblings,

Time goes by so quickly. It seems day by day not much changes but then all of a sudden looking back it's stunning at the changes that took place. Gees that darn Covid... another even more contagious variant. Will this ever end? My more mundane day to day life I try to just note in my written journal but even with that I have slacked.

So this week I did it! I had my first appointment with a Doctor at gender services. After about a 4 hour drive there I was. Actually after a few years and a 4 hour drive there I was. OK I'm embarrassed and shy to admit I up until this point have been transitioning on my own. The Doctor asked my why I decided to come now and among other reasons such as wanting to begin having official documentation of my transition I told him because I have medicare now and thus am covered. Anyway the Doctor and medical visit were amazing. They asked me if it was OK if a medical student was with us to observe and I told them for sure. I figured a student encountering a transgender person early on is a good thing.

The appointment was amazing. Unlike other medical encounters where the doctor tries to be nice and caring but seems rushed this Doctor spent close to an hour basically just talking with me. I told him my history and the self medications I used. He ordered a full battery of blood and urine tests which all came back normal. My e was 171 and my t was 34 which he said was good. He wrote my official prescriptions for the same medications I had been using. I laughed and told him that I guess I was now "officially" transgender. We talked about the prospects of eventual surgery asking me if I was considering an orchiotomy. I told him no that for me that would be weird and that I am considering full bottom surgery in a couple of years due to current family obligations and the inability to be "down" for a month or two at this time. He told me to just let them know and they would refer me for surgery whenever I was ready. Wow!

Last month I was able to get my birth certificate corrected however Social Security and Dmv both seem to want a Doctor's letter. Happily the Doctor gave me the signed letters right during the visit so those will be the next to correct.

During the visit  the Doctor  told me to just call him by his first name so that was great too. Again what a great visit. In just that short time I just really feel like he is like my best friend who I don't have to be afraid to tell him anything. Again wow I now have a trusted medical partner in my transition. I joked with my family afterward that my only disappointment was that the night before I took a shower so I was all clean and fresh and that the Doctor never even asked me to take off my clothes :laugh:
My  next appointment is in 3 months but we'll just do a telehealth visit to spare me the long trip. He said he could oder the labs locally around my house.

So cool! I'm now "official".  ;D

Offline Toni1

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #78 on: December 03, 2021, 01:17:27 pm »
Just my check in. Since my medical appointment my mind has become more intent on affirmation surgery. Before that it was mostly just this mental whim. After actually saying out loud to the doctor my thoughts it seems like my need has become more concrete. I've mentioned my desire to my wife a couple of times so far. This afternoon I mentioned to her my thought that if a special trip we're hoping to make overseas in a couple of years needs to be postponed due to covid that I thought it would be good to have my surgery then and after that our trip. She seemed a little surprised asking me if my hope was to have surgery in a couple of years. She seemed a bit surprised but accepting so that's good.
So that's it.

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Toni's amazing confused journey
« Reply #79 on: December 03, 2021, 02:01:10 pm »
@Toni1
Dear Toni:
Thank you for posting your latest life endeavors....

I really liked reading your recent, good, and positive updates.
The conversation that you had with your wife regarding your desire for surgery apparently went well... :)

You should be very encouraged regarding your first appointment with your gender services Doctor.  I am glad that you were not rushed at your appointment and that you had good productive discussions regarding your blood work and future appointments.
Now that you have "official" medically approved HRT and are having Doctor monitored blood tests ... you are on the right path... consider yourself as officially transitioning.     

Again, thank you or sharing and posting....
...  I will be eagerly looking for and reading your updates as you feel comfortable posting them.
HUGS, and best wishes and success as you continue on.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

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