A long time ago here at Susans I started a blog entitled "The life of wonderful Alice". I can still see the archive of those adventures and believe me, they were not nice days.
For now I will create a new blog for all of my future entries as I navigate towards GRS surgery. My old blog entries can be found in the link to my wordpress site within my signature block.
Here is my first blog entitled "A Big decision is near".
------------------
What the big year 2020 was. Most of my update is now within my story about breaking the cycle. I have not performed a “Blog” since July as quick recap is
• I lost my job in August and was four months unemployed
• I started again with a new job in December 2020
• Lots of ups and down in between
As I updated my story this year, I can refer to it in my blog. In particular, there have been some low period as described in my story that I have felt again today.
At the end of October, I had another where I was feeling awful at the flying field. It was a quiet Saturday morning, and I got to the field early. As there were not many people there, I set up my plane and waited for a spot to fly by myself. I found a quiet spot, and I flew my plane very well. I actually had a nice landing, but I was still unhappy and sat down for a while. Given my state and feeling like I was going to cry, I quickly packed my plane in my car. After saying farewell to my friends, I left for home, glad just to relax. I was so tired; I am sure it would have been too dangerous for me to continue to fly. I knew from my riding the previous day that my nose was blocked, and I had started to clear my nose as shown by my specialist earlier in the year. Christmas came around, and I was all book to fly home to my parents to see them and their new home. Unfortunately, with the COVID-19 cluster in Sydney, we decided it was too risky to fly given I was only 2 weeks into a new position. It turned out to be the right call as the cluster has grown, and I would hate to be having to fly through Sydney given the extent of the outbreak. It has meant spending Christmas in Canberra as home. Christmas day was spent at our local support group AGA where we had a nice lunch, and I could catch up with Friends. I let those people who have supported me this year and let them know my job is going well.
I had noticed that just before I went back to work my breathing had changed, and I could no longer push my gears when riding. I saw a Physio and found that my legs were stiff again and she gave me some simple stretches to perform. I knew at this stage I was in my cycle again (see
https://alicelloyd.wordpress.com/chapter-14-understanding-the-cycle/ ). I had not spent enough time as Alice while not working. I had at least gone to our Wednesday support group meeting to try and stave of the cycle from occurring again. I went back to the physio after starting work and things were better, and I explain the cycle to her, and she gave me more stretching to perform.
I had lovely outing on the 29th where I went to the big bash cricket here in Canberra. It was nice being out with my friend but I did not want to tell him how I felt. Over the Christmas break, I have tried to keep busy by continuing with online learning.
I guess it did not help, and my feelings eventually caught up with me this morning. I was feeling very low and did not really want anyone to know what I was thinking. I guess a trip to the shops and chat with the pharmacist helped, but still, it has been so long since I have felt so low.
I am not sure the trigger but I have a few ideas. The first thing is my hair. It has been a long and painful journey, but I have last had very promising growth on top of my head (see thread
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,252451.0.html ). While I am pleased with the progress, there are still many years ahead to fully grow it. But this is now interfering with my life's biggest decision to have life-altering GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery).
I have told my counsellor many times that after this surgery, I will not have any bathroom choices. However, if my hair is not fully grown out, I will need wigs everywhere, which causes its own problem. One thing I have been constant about throughout my life is my hatred of wigs. I am now at a spot where I need to choose between have my surgery early and risking needing a wig whenever I go out. I suppose I could compromise and always look for the disabled bathrooms in the short term.
Whatever I choose, it feels like a long road still ahead. Having surgery sooner makes sense while I have a chance to recover despite my sleep apnea. However, the way I felt depressed today I am not sure I am ready. I just the depression does not affect my work next week.
Alice
