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Offline Alice

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The Blog Spot of Alice
« on: December 31, 2020, 12:15:53 am »
A long time ago here at Susans I started a blog entitled "The life of wonderful Alice". I can still see the archive of those adventures and believe me, they were not nice days.

For now I will create a new blog for all of my future entries as I navigate towards GRS surgery. My old blog entries can be found in the link to my wordpress site within my signature block.

Here is my first blog entitled "A Big decision is near".

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What the big year 2020 was. Most of my update is now within my story about breaking the cycle. I have not performed a “Blog” since July as quick recap is
•   I lost my job in August and was four months unemployed
•   I started again with a new job in December 2020
•   Lots of ups and down in between

As I updated my story this year, I can refer to it in my blog. In particular, there have been some low period as described in my story that I have felt again today.

At the end of October, I had another where I was feeling awful at the flying field. It was a quiet Saturday morning, and I got to the field early.  As there were not many people there, I set up my plane and waited for a spot to fly by myself. I found a quiet spot, and I flew my plane very well. I actually had a nice landing, but I was still unhappy and sat down for a while. Given my state and feeling like I was going to cry, I quickly packed my plane in my car. After saying farewell to my friends, I left for home, glad just to relax. I was so tired; I am sure it would have been too dangerous for me to continue to fly.  I knew from my riding the previous day that my nose was blocked, and I had started to clear my nose as shown by my specialist earlier in the year.   

Christmas came around, and I was all book to fly home to my parents to see them and their new home. Unfortunately, with the COVID-19 cluster in Sydney, we decided it was too risky to fly given I was only 2 weeks into a new position. It turned out to be the right call as the cluster has grown, and I would hate to be having to fly through Sydney given the extent of the outbreak. It has meant spending Christmas in Canberra as home. Christmas day was spent at our local support group AGA where we had a nice lunch, and I could catch up with Friends. I let those people who have supported me this year and let them know my job is going well.

I had noticed that just before I went back to work my breathing had changed, and I could no longer push my gears when riding. I saw a Physio and found that my legs were stiff again and she gave me some simple stretches to perform. I knew at this stage I was in my cycle again (see https://alicelloyd.wordpress.com/chapter-14-understanding-the-cycle/ ). I had not spent enough time as Alice while not working. I had at least gone to our Wednesday support group meeting to try and stave of the cycle from occurring again. I went back to the physio after starting work and things were better, and I explain the cycle to her, and she gave me more stretching to perform.

I had lovely outing on the 29th where I went to the big bash cricket here in Canberra. It was nice being out with my friend but I did not want to tell him how I felt. Over the Christmas break, I have tried to keep busy by continuing with online learning.

I guess it did not help, and my feelings eventually caught up with me this morning. I was feeling very low and did not really want anyone to know what I was thinking. I guess a trip to the shops and chat with the pharmacist helped, but still, it has been so long since I have felt so low.

I am not sure the trigger but I have a few ideas. The first thing is my hair. It has been a long and painful journey, but I have last had very promising growth on top of my head (see thread https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,252451.0.html ). While I am pleased with the progress, there are still many years ahead to fully grow it. But this is now interfering with my life's biggest decision to have life-altering GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery). 

I have told my counsellor many times that after this surgery, I will not have any bathroom choices. However, if my hair is not fully grown out, I will need wigs everywhere, which causes its own problem. One thing I have been constant about throughout my life is my hatred of wigs. I am now at a spot where I need to choose between have my surgery early and risking needing a wig whenever I go out. I suppose I could compromise and always look for the disabled bathrooms in the short term.

Whatever I choose, it feels like a long road still ahead. Having surgery sooner makes sense while I have a chance to recover despite my sleep apnea. However, the way I  felt depressed today I am not sure I am ready. I just the depression does not affect my work next week.

Alice

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2021, 11:51:36 pm »
I needed another cry today. I am glad my neighbour was there help and say a few kind words and give me a hug. I asked her what it would be like to not have the pressure of surgery. She suggested that I was putting to much pressure on myself regarding the surgery. She also knew to say not too worried too much about my hair.

In truth, I have been fussing to much about my hair. Every night I look at my hair at least 5 times. I want it to grow so much even to a point that I have told myself if it does not grow life will not be worth living. I have decided to try and leave it where it without trying to hide the bald patch in the hope that it gradually fills in. I am also thinking of chatting with my hairdresser to ask her how my hair is going.

Of late of have been wondering how life would be like without having this hanging over me.  How does a “normal” life feel just relaxing on the weekend and working during the week. How would life go without the constant threat of depression. I knew a long time ago life would be different.

Alice

Offline davina61

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2021, 03:47:55 am »
Life is a waiting game, for me things happen at the right time so I have become resigned to waiting. Its taken me 3 years to get on surgery list, how much longer it will take ? but I know it will happen so that's something to keep me motivated . I am stuck with a wig, just have a big wispy patch on top and will never have the funds to fix but have grown the rest out so that I might get away with a topper .
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2021, 11:55:38 pm »
I have been waiting for my hair for around 4.5 years. I am still waiting. I am confident it will get there in the end.

Alice

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2021, 09:42:15 am »
@Alice
Dear Alice:
I am so very glad to see that once again you have created your very own personal Blog/Journal... keeping your new journal is always good personal therapy.   For my eyes only I also always keep a more private and personal "old-school" Pen&Paper journal.

My personal journal at my home which is full of colorful doodling, sometimes illegible and hurried writing, snapshot photos, notes about doctors appointments, my romantic endeavors, my coming out trials and tribulations, and other writings about those that I am friends with, those that accept me, those that do not accept me, and my issues with my non-accepting parents and family, etc, etc.
 
I find that it is definitely very good personal therapy to write out my feelings and venting...  and ponder my situations in my journal.  Just writing out these things can help me to sort out my priorities and to find ways to help positively solve my issues.

Again, congratulation in started your new BLOG/journal here on the Forums.
When you report good news we will all rejoice with you and be happy for you... and when you write not-so-good news we will lend you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.   We are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success and happiness.

My home journals (I have several now) are not in any kind of a fancy book and not with a clever cover...  mine are rather plain 3 ring notebooks that allows for adding pages and inserting lots of notes and scribbles and some  photos too.   
Whatever works for you is important, after-all it is YOUR JOURNAL to do with what you want.

I often find myself leafing through some of the past entrees of my BLOG/journal postings here on the Forums and my personal journals that I keep at home and will sit and read it for hours on a cold rainy night sitting in my comfy chair sometimes with a smile and laughter, sometimes with satisfaction with my decisions,  and sometimes with tears in my eyes.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts....  I will be eagerly following your postings.
Hugs and best wishes to you.... 
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2021, 04:24:13 am »
I really feel like giving up on my hair dream.
I have dreamed this dream for 10 years now but my GID was massively triggered last weekend. It was easy Sunday when I saw a lady nicely dressed walking past. She looked like she did not have a care in the world. I started to wondered can I not do that and I found the list very short.

1) Hair and
2) No GRS.

I can fix the GRS and have I have previously posted I have been waiting for hair. I am not sure that will ever be ready, so I am wondering what to do next, should I just give up on my dream. Should I have GRS and just know I will never be comfortable, knowing I will always hate my reflection.

With all this in my head, I go to my physio and take off my wig, and their full mirrors show in even better how little hair I have in the front of my head. It will be a couple of years before I am happy. So I now need strategies to avoid being frustrated and anxious. He also talked about another circle which was anxiety which causes a “Fight or Flight” response. This creates muscular tightness causing “you guessed it” Poor breathing which increases anxiety. Whichever circle I am on it hurts and I want it to stop.  I am so tired of this being in my head. I feel like it is going to be a long year.

I hope I can find some happy thoughts to post here soon.

Alice


Offline davina61

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2021, 06:01:26 am »
Have you thought abought a topper rather than a full wig?
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2021, 04:47:21 am »
Davina,

I am about to investigate all options as I now have enough at the back of my head.

Alice

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2021, 04:34:50 am »
I had an interesting conversation with my doctor this afternoon.

We were discussion and surgery and she asked how sure was I in having GRS. I told her I was sure I wanted the surgery but unsure if would like the results as I would be swapping one set of problems for another set.

My current set of problems occur when I am Alice and working in that I am uncomfortable with my limited choices with what I can wear, that bulge down there and my constant need for wigs. After surgery, my problems would be different in that on the weekend I would be more conscious about my bathroom choice and the possibility I would need a wig when shopping. So is surgery just changing my problems and would the risk of surgery be worth the change?

My thoughts while writing this blog is that if it reduces my GID and my anxiety then that is a good thing. I have plenty of time to decide if I want the surgery next year or if I should just delay the surgery.

Alice
 
 


 

Offline Pammie

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2021, 04:55:25 am »
I had an interesting conversation with my doctor this afternoon.

We were discussion and surgery and she asked how sure was I in having GRS. I told her I was sure I wanted the surgery but unsure if would like the results as I would be swapping one set of problems for another set.

My current set of problems occur when I am Alice and working in that I am uncomfortable with my limited choices with what I can wear, that bulge down there and my constant need for wigs. After surgery, my problems would be different in that on the weekend I would be more conscious about my bathroom choice and the possibility I would need a wig when shopping. So is surgery just changing my problems and would the risk of surgery be worth the change?

My thoughts while writing this blog is that if it reduces my GID and my anxiety then that is a good thing. I have plenty of time to decide if I want the surgery next year or if I should just delay the surgery.

Alice
 
 


 
I think your last point is the critical one in that you have time to consider and decide. I guess part of that thinking is how you envisage life in the future. If you plan to go full time then given it’s positive impact on GID it might be a no brainer. If it’s more complicated than that then the decision is more complicated too im sure


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Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2021, 01:57:10 pm »
I think your last point is the critical one in that you have time to consider and decide. I guess part of that thinking is how you envisage life in the future. If you plan to go full time then given it’s positive impact on GID it might be a no brainer. If it’s more complicated than that then the decision is more complicated too im sure


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Pammie,

I am already full time working as Alice. I am contemplating my next steps.

Alice

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Offline Pammie

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #11 on: January 21, 2021, 03:58:36 am »
Pammie,

I am already full time working as Alice. I am contemplating my next steps.

Alice

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Ah sorry , that’s great then! Your comments suggested you also had times when you were not Alice - probably my misunderstanding


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Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #12 on: January 21, 2021, 02:03:16 pm »
Ah sorry , that’s great then! Your comments suggested you also had times when you were not Alice - probably my misunderstanding


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On the weekend when I am out I do not wear wigs and people see my old self. I work 5 days a week as Alice.

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Offline Pammie

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #13 on: January 21, 2021, 02:44:35 pm »
On the weekend when I am out I do not wear wigs and people see my old self. I work 5 days a week as Alice.

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In the short term being pre-op shouldn’t be a big  stopper in terms of being yourself in public. Im pre-op still snd went full time 3.5 years ago and have never really found that too limiting. Since I discovered the wonders of gaffs that’s even more true.

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2021, 04:51:15 am »
I have written a new blog about my true nature. With the large controversy this week in Australia had me thinking about my journey. As everyone knows, it has been a long one.

Before going full time, I would see a nice skirt or dress and think I would like to wear that. I would then need to consciously correct that thought by rationalising that I was male and should not want to wear those clothes. It was not just clothing; I would have those same thoughts over anything feminine with hair was the other big area that always wanted to experience. Now I am full time as Alice I can show my true nature, there is no need to correct my subconscious self. 

I have had a great life as Alan. I travelled around Europe and Africa, competed in Triathlons, and enjoyed my hobby.  But underlining it all was my need to suppress my nature and soldier on. Then came the period in my life in my mid-thirties that I could no longer take the weight. Through depression and anxiety, I finally told my friends how I had been feeling and sought help that I desperately needed to navigate a complex journey.
I recognised that I was <transgender> and set about figuring out what it meant for my life. Before my first transition, I was told to solve all other problems first and then solve the Gender problem. Unfortunately, we did not find my sleep apnoea until after my first transition. The hormones plus my lack of sleep set off an awful change of events that I somehow survived.

Through two transition separated by 9 years, I finally was able to work full time as Alice in 2019 after 2 years on HRT.  At last, freed from having to constantly correct myself, I could relax and show my true nature. Everyone saw and commented on how my demeanour had changed. As a result of the change, I was promoted by my manager to a senior role within our team.

In the end, I needed to show my hidden self and express my whole self to be happy and content. It has not been easy, there have also been many disappointments and still some more work to be performed.

I just hope people realise it is not a simple choice. These are difficult choices between 2 options I did not particularly like.  I choose the one that would allow me to relax and enjoy my life and I am hopeful that can keep myself healthy, both mentally and physically.

Offline sarahc

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2021, 05:28:31 am »

I just hope people realise it is not a simple choice. These are difficult choices between 2 options I did not particularly like.  I choose the one that would allow me to relax and enjoy my life and I am hopeful that can keep myself healthy, both mentally and physically.


Yes! It is not a simple choice!

When choosing to transition, we are making a choice to give up a certain level of comfort and to be emotionally challenged by a huge number of changes in our lives. We may be risking a lot financially, and we may be forgoing important family ties. And the outcome from those changes is never certain. But we do this to find a level of happiness and contentment that we’ve never felt.

But this is not a riskless venture and there are costs. That’s what makes the decision to transition so wrenching and why each person has to make the decision based on their specific life situation.

Like you, I found a previously unknown level of happiness on the other side. But I know that wasn’t certain heading into this...

Sarah

----
48 years young.
Known that I am trans since...forever.
First therapy session / decided to transition / hair removal: October 2018
HRT: January 2019 (journal https://www.susans.org/forums/index.phpVF/topic,244009.0.html)
VFS: September 2019; three-month report here
Full-time: April 2020
FFS: August 2020
SRS: January 2021

Online Maid Marion

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2021, 01:52:57 pm »
Hi Alice,

Congratulations on the promotion to a senior role!

Marion

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2021, 04:17:06 am »
Yes! It is not a simple choice!

When choosing to transition, we are making a choice to give up a certain level of comfort and to be emotionally challenged by a huge number of changes in our lives. We may be risking a lot financially, and we may be forgoing important family ties. And the outcome from those changes is never certain. But we do this to find a level of happiness and contentment that we’ve never felt.

But this is not a riskless venture and there are costs. That’s what makes the decision to transition so wrenching and why each person has to make the decision based on their specific life situation.

Like you, I found a previously unknown level of happiness on the other side. But I know that wasn’t certain heading into this...

Sarah

Sarah,

I see your point of view, to get happiness and contentment we needed to transition.

It not as if we can make a decision and then all is fixed. It takes a lot of time and effort to ensure it is successful not to mention the complication associated with surgery. So while the decision may be simple there are still many challenges.

My own decision making was complicated by my failed first transition. I had to be sure the obvious benefits out wayed the risks of putting myself through that again.

Hi Alice,

Congratulations on the promotion to a senior role!

Marion

Unfortunately I lost that job 5 months later, such is life.

Alice


 

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #18 on: January 28, 2021, 11:22:25 am »
Hi Alice, I understand the stress about hair. I suspect I will never close up the bald patch on top. Nearly every photo you ever see of me, I am wearing a hat. Haven't gone the wig route (yet) but have grown out my hair past shoulder length and I am contemplating a topper. It sounds like you're on a path to fixing this for yourself, which is wonderful (if slow).

And so to the "slow" part -- if GCS would help you (sounds like you think it would), you could go ahead with that and let the hair do its thing over time. Just because you have or haven't had GCS does not force any public bathroom decision on you. You would always use a stall and sit, no matter which bathroom you are in. If you don't want to wear a wig or hat when out, just use a stall in the men's. This goes the other way too, pre-op. You can use either bathroom of your choice as long as you use a stall. At least here in Colorado, state law allows us to use the bathroom we identify with.

Good luck dealing with the various issues. Randy
Casting about for my best path forward...

My personal blog thread: Randy the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randy's HRT Journal


Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #19 on: January 29, 2021, 05:42:29 am »
Hi Alice, I understand the stress about hair. I suspect I will never close up the bald patch on top. Nearly every photo you ever see of me, I am wearing a hat. Haven't gone the wig route (yet) but have grown out my hair past shoulder length and I am contemplating a topper. It sounds like you're on a path to fixing this for yourself, which is wonderful (if slow).

And so to the "slow" part -- if GCS would help you (sounds like you think it would), you could go ahead with that and let the hair do its thing over time. Just because you have or haven't had GCS does not force any public bathroom decision on you. You would always use a stall and sit, no matter which bathroom you are in. If you don't want to wear a wig or hat when out, just use a stall in the men's. This goes the other way too, pre-op. You can use either bathroom of your choice as long as you use a stall. At least here in Colorado, state law allows us to use the bathroom we identify with.

Good luck dealing with the various issues. Randy
Randy,

That is a interesting take on my bathroom dilemma. I am not sure i would be comfortable in the men's after GRS but maybe that is a better option than what I have been thinking.

Alice

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