Author Topic: The Blog Spot of Alice  (Read 5276 times)

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Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #60 on: June 20, 2021, 12:29:58 am »
My Dysphoria

I find myself in an interesting place with dysphoria and depression settling in this week.

I never ever considered myself to be Dysphoric, I never hated being male it is just that being fitted being female. I always thought I would not mind waiting for my surgery but I am finding now I am impatient wishing I could bring my surgery forward.  I am doing more tucking when as Alice at work wishing I did not have that lump down there. I am also visualising my post-op life all the time which is adding to the distress. I am wishing I never had this problem, but I know I have made the best possible choice given the circumstances. I have never known true dysphoria till now.

On the hair front, I think I need to get used to my wig. My hair is slowly growing but it will be a few years until the front is truly ready for Alice.  I think I am getting used to my main wig now.

Alice

Offline Emma1017

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #61 on: June 20, 2021, 09:29:44 am »
Alice you look lovely. The surgery is like waiting for Christmas morning.  😁
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #62 on: June 21, 2021, 07:07:30 am »
I did it again.

Today at Coffee when telling someone about my surgery I again got excited and said “I want it. I want it”.  I was disappointed I did not know the exact number of days to my surgery (it is 205 days) but it showed I am still excited about finally having this fixed up. I remarked when telling my friend, I have known from around 2006 I wanted surgery and I have needed to wait a long time for it to happen.  I know I need to wait as patiently as possible.

Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #63 on: June 30, 2021, 09:20:11 am »
@Alice
Dear Alice:
 :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower:TODAY IS YOUR SPECIAL DAY:icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower:
                      :icon_birthday: :icon_birthday:  :icon_birthday: :icon_birthday:
 
All of us here on the Forums are wishing YOU
....a very :icon_flower: :icon_flower: Happy Birthday :icon_flower: :icon_flower:
I hope that your special day includes time with family and friends...
... with  Candles and CAKE.

***NOTE: On your June 30th birthday TODAY be certain to check your profile for a special birthday surprise! :)

Warm regards and best wishes on your special day and birthday.
Danielle

               
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline davina61

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #64 on: June 30, 2021, 12:52:52 pm »
Alice I hope you had a very happy birthday, best wishes XXXX
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #65 on: July 03, 2021, 08:46:15 pm »
Alice I hope you had a very happy birthday, best wishes XXXX

Davina,

Thank you for the birthday wishes. I had a busy day work worked followed by a nice dinner at our local club.

Alice

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #66 on: July 12, 2021, 07:38:22 am »
Well, today marks another point in my life, six months (184 days) till I am due for surgery. I wish it wasn’t consuming so much of my thoughts, but I guess it is only natural that I would focus on such a big event.

I have a count down in a spreadsheet at work and here at home so I generally know the number of days till surgery. There have been times in the past few months where I wished I could bring it forward but my timing with work and everything else is still right.

At work, everyone who works in my location knows about the surgery. All of my team members work in different locations than me and only a select few know about my surgery date. I told one of my bosses last week and he was incredibly supportive. My manager and one other team member also know. I have been thinking of when and what to tell the rest of the team if my contract is extended. They will need to know why I can not tell them the time I will have off next year.

 My hair continues to grow as I only have a small gap on the top of my head. I am hoping there will be no gap up top in time for my surgery. The front of my head is starting to show signs of filling in but that will take a few years to finish.

Alice


Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #67 on: August 22, 2021, 03:21:48 am »
So after 10 days in lockdown, I thought I would update everyone about what is happening in my life.

The good news is that I am well and have somehow managed to avoid all the contact sites. I am also fully vaccinated after receiving my second dose 2 weeks ago. I was in fact concerned about the vaccine as the first time around I had a reaction and needed 3 days off work with headaches. The second time around I had little to no reaction and was able to keep working.

During the lockdown, I have started riding my bike again to break up my time working at home and to get a bit more fitness. I was disappointed to see that I last rode in May, so it was time I did some more riding.  I am also recording my walking which I have been doing off and on during the last few months.

While I am not surprised Covid came to town it arrived a bit more suddenly than I thought it would. I have been able to work from home since the lockdown started. We had my remote access set up late last year in anticipation that Covid would arrive.

Emotionally I am still going well despite the lockdown.  Not needing to wear my wig, I can see the top of my head filling in which gives me confidence for next year. I am still counting down the days till surgery (currently 143 days to go). I am worried about the impact the Covid cases will have on elective surgery. While there are still a few months to go any change to the elective surgery may have a knock-on effect by the time January comes around. I know is this is something that I cannot control.

One thing I can control is the help I require after surgery. Given my mum lives in Northern NSW I am planning for if/when she can not come down and support me after surgery. I have chatted to my friends, and I feel like I have enough support here in Canberra if mum can not be here. I plan to set up a roster post-surgery for friends to come around and give me some company. I will probably also need people to do some shopping and take myself out in small outings as I continue to heal.

So that is about it for now. I am hoping the lockdown will not last too much longer than 3 weeks but given what is happening in Sydney I would not be surprised if it drags on.

Alice

Offline Rachel

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #68 on: August 22, 2021, 08:27:55 am »
Hi Alice,

Wow, you are in lockdown again. I guess it is winter in Australia. There are some locations in the USA where there are no more ICU beds available. Plus ICU nurses are in very short supply. Many are leaving the ICU portion of nursing. Where my daughter works in OR ICU sometimes they are so short they offer triple pay.

I got covid the end of last year. I had the 2 Madera shots in January and February. Went to West Palm Beach in April and got covid again. It was much more mild than the first time I had covid. It was a variant from the strain I had already had. Philadelphia is being hit hard with Delta and I expect in a month there will be additional measures put in place to restrict peoples activity. I think it will be that way till spring.   
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Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #69 on: August 26, 2021, 01:55:55 am »
So this is something I have been working on for some time.

I have always liked the words to the Dire Strats song "The Man's too strong" and a quickly was able to reword it to "The feelin's too strong". Over a long period of time, I have finally come up with the following lyrics, please let me know what you think.

Alice

The feelin's too strong
I am just a young transgender Girl and the wars within my head
I called a tune to my own torture Session
Now they say I am a simple guy but that's fading away
Father please release me from my depression
I would look at all girls and wish it was me
I wear all their dresses and call it relief
Rewritten natural history with my burgeoning belief
Invented memories, I did burn all the books
And I can still feel the anger cause I can’t hide the truth
the feelings to big, the feelings to strong
Well I have tried to be meek and I have tried to be mild
But I chat like a woman and I sulked like a child
I have lived behind walls, that have made me alone
Striven for peace, which I never have known
And I can still feel the sorrow cause I can’t hide the truth
the feelins to big, the feelins to strong
Well the sun rose on my courtyard and all I could hear myself say
I always was a female but that was hidden away
I may have been shielded by my ordinary life
But inside was a diamond that needed a life
Oh father please help me for I feel so sad
the feelins to big, the feelins to strong
« Last Edit: August 26, 2021, 05:10:45 pm by Alice »

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #70 on: August 26, 2021, 12:01:50 pm »
@Alice
Dear Alice:
Nicely written and I believe your lyrics have great meaning to all MTFs....

I particularly like the following excerpt from the lyrics that you composed:

   "Well the sun rose on my courtyard and all I could hear myself say
    I always was a female but that was hidden away
    I may have been shielded by my ordinary life
    But inside was a diamonds that needed a life"


Thank you for sharing and posting....
HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #71 on: August 26, 2021, 05:13:59 pm »
Thank you Danielle,

I am glad you like my lyrics.

Alice

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #72 on: October 12, 2021, 05:36:18 am »
So it is exactly 3 months till my surgery and I am getting excited about finally getting there. I will not say the past few weeks have been easy, in fact, it has been the opposite with lots of crying and anguish. I have been concerned about this anguish as I know for certain I want the surgery. Indeed the phrase “I want it I want it” keeps coming out and any conversation I have about the surgery.  I wrote the following in a blog that I did not publish about the reason for my emotions.

There are several factors in play including the type of work I am doing, not having enough work, feeling I am at the edge of a team and not adding value to the team, working at home in isolation, not having enough social outlets to vent my frustration, worried that I would not be able to have surgery and of course the other Covid 19 factors in play.

A friend of mine summed it up simply. “You are in a high-stress situation that is pushing your limits and skills of coping”.

Slowly the work situation is improving. The project work I have been waiting on is now coming through. Today I have been able to set up and run code, which was very satisfying. I am getting back to being a programmer where I am most comfortable. I now feel I will also be able to add value to the team with all the skills I have picked up over the year.   In some good news, my boss has indicated my contract is being extended till June next year, I am just waiting for the paperwork for the extension to come through.

Not many people know this, but I did apply and was interviewed for a new job while all that waiting for project work was occurring. In the end, I decided there was more upside in my current role than taking on a new role that really did not suit my skills. Over the last couple of days that thinking has proven to be correct.

On reflection, I did not understand how my work situation was affecting my ability to regulate my moods. Already being stressed about the logistics around my surgery and if opening up would have any impact on my surgery, having to deal with the stressful situation at work pushed me to the edge if not beyond it.  Now I am just hoping I can recover over the next few weeks and then start to prepare for my surgery.

I would like to thank everyone who has provided me support over the past week, it has been a rocky ride. Let’s just hope things improved from here as I am excited about my surgery every day.

Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #73 on: October 12, 2021, 02:40:41 pm »
@Alice
Dear Alice:
You composed a wonderful treatise regarding your upcoming surgery and all the things that you are going through with your work situations.
Even though your surgery is scheduled 3 months from now, the date will come faster than you think it will, you have every right to be exited...  and definitely you can use the phrase:  "I want it I want it"

I am wishing you well with your surgery but also with all of the life events that go along with it.
Please, only as you feel comfortable doing, keep me and the rest of your avid followers updated.

I will be eagerly looking for your postings and comments with your thoughts as your journey continues.
HUGS and more HUGS 
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #74 on: November 12, 2021, 06:40:54 pm »
OMG, 2 months till surgery. I have been counting down since early April and now there is a mere 2 months to go.

It has been a very positive month with the way my work is progressing. In a way I have the opposite problem to before, there is now a lot of work to be performed in a short space of time. I always knew that would be the case once I set up to do the Java programming that was required for the project. I have not touched Java programming since my time at IBM some 10 years ago, so I am thrilled to be able to use that programming language again. This last week I have noticed I am getting a bit tired from the hard but interesting work I have been performing. The work is going so well I am kind of sad that I will not be there in January next year when all of our work is scheduled to go live.

There are many things I am looking forward to doing next year post-surgery that I cannot explain how excited I am to finally have the date in sight. As I explain to a person I was talking to yesterday, I have waited 40 years for this, it was early in my teen years that I knew I wanted a female body. Sometimes I get so excited I need to jump around my house till I can calm down and focus back on my work. And yes I am excited about my hair continues to grow. As seen by my latest pictures there is almost no gap on the top of my head. I know the front will take another 1 to 2 years to grow out but at the rate, it is growing I am confident that it will fill out.

I knew the next few months would be tricky. In fact, things in Canberra have opened up I lot sooner than expected which means the I need to be careful for a longer period of time. I have decided I will only go to the raiders club every 2 to 3 weeks in a bid to keep safe rather than each week I was going pre lockdown. As I am mainly going to be working from home this year, what to do over Christmas is becoming my biggest dilemma. I am still not sure how much risk I am willing to take over Christmas and may end up staying in Canberra so I can relax and continue planning for the surgery.

November is looking busy despite trying to be careful. The main thing happening is I am going to see the surgeon on the 24th of November to ask all of the questions I have been thinking of in the last few months. It has been 18 months (March 2020) since I had my first consultation with him, so I am looking forward to meeting him again and going through any finer details of the surgery.

Right after seeing my surgeon, I am again doing an instructors course for flying model aircraft. It is going to be hard to focus that weekend, but I know I have lots of support to become an instructor. I just hope I can qualify to be an instructor as I know there is a lot of need at our club with the number of students coming through.

That is all for now.

Alice


Offline davina61

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #75 on: November 13, 2021, 02:24:21 am »
I found the last 2 months flew by (no pun intended ) and the day was suddenly here . Best wishes dear.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #76 on: November 13, 2021, 04:08:54 am »
Thanks Davina,

It is certainly an exciting time in my life.

Alice

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Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #77 on: November 25, 2021, 12:48:02 am »
Hi all,

I wrote the blog below a few days ago about my week. I am now feeling a whole lot better after seeing my surgeon yesterday. We discussed the finer points of my surgery including being able to travel back to my parent's place at Christmas.  So glad that I do not have to spend my Christmas alone again after it was cancelled last year due to the Covid in Sydney.

------------------------------------------

LOL,  50 days to go. The realisations that December is next week and soon it will only one more month. 

I may need lots of help from my friends.  I am well aware that my sleeping is poor at the moment. I am glad I am at home,  I am dancing to the music I have to get rid of nervous energy.

With my job interview yesterday and seeing the surgeon tomorrow I think I will be ready to just relax on the weekend.  Doing the instructor course this weekend may be a bridge too far. I will make a call on if I attend the course later in the week. I told you November is far too busy.

Bring on the weekend so I can hopefully relax.

Alice


Offline Alice

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #78 on: November 25, 2021, 04:35:03 am »
After much discussion and thought the surgeon yesterday said it is okay for me to go to Coffs Harbour for Christmas.

I had been worried about this for at least a month. I told my parents that I was not willing to wait all of this time and fail at the final hurdle and do something that could adversely affect my surgery at the last moment. I discuss that with my surgeon yesterday and he said to go for Christmas and if I do unfortunately get Covid my surgery will only be set back by 2 months. In a way, it is what I wanted to hear. Last year at Christmas I was surprised how lonely I became with the resulting mental health impacts. There have been only a couple of times this year that I have felt like that, they are never fun times.

This is a warning to all. If I get Covid over Christmas and my surgery is delayed I will be extremely upset. I WILL NEED ALL OF THE SUPPORT you can give as I contemplate a delay to my surgery. I have been counting down since early April, I will not be prepared if there is a setback at this late stage.

It was great to have his reassurance in person that everything would be fine. We talked about the finer points of the surgery and my plans for the pre-surgery tests. Since I am going to Coffs Harbour I need to reschedule my admission tests for a date after the new year.

 I have decided that I will attend the instructor’s course at the weekend. I am more settled now after my appointment and it might be a good distraction after a difficult week. I just hope I can concentrate enough over the weekend to pass the course.

Well, that is all for now. I am sure I will write again soon.

Alice

Offline davina61

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Re: The Blog Spot of Alice
« Reply #79 on: November 25, 2021, 09:06:10 am »
Mask up, wash hands and you should be fine. Enjoy your Christmas and good luck with your course.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

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