Author Topic: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?  (Read 1141 times)

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Offline Wendywishes

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Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« on: January 06, 2021, 08:28:57 am »
Hello all!  I am an AMAB who, until fairly recently, was completely "in the closet" about my gender dysphoria.  I am married to a not-so supportive spouse regarding this.  She loves me but does not want to have a relationship with a woman. 
So, I've done some deep thinking, and am wondering if I could live with just being gender fluid, presenting as male most of the time, but presenting as female when I can.  Yes, this sounds like the definition of a cross-dresser, but I also plan on going (back) on E and probably a T blocker.  However, I'd stop short of a full transition...just enough hopefully to ease my dysphoria and not enough to preclude having a masculine appearance when I need to. 
Now, if you were to ask the 20-year old me if this would work, I'd say nothing short of a complete transition would make me happy.  The almost 50-year old me, however, is thinking that given the facts, being gender fluid might be the best option.  It is a compromise, though, and I'm not sure it would make me happy enough to make my life enjoyable again.
I know there are those in the same situation pondering the same questions...does anybody have any experience they'd like to share or advice?  Has anyone been able to accept being gender fluid in place of a full transition?
I'll do what I can to show her the way,
And maybe one day I will free her,
Though I know no one can see her...
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Offline Devlyn

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2021, 10:15:34 am »
I'm genderfluid, but with a full time female presentation. Gender is your innate sense of self. Gender identity is not the same as gender expression.  :)

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Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2021, 11:04:31 am »
It is awkward socially to have an ambiguous gender presentation, as I often did as a short guy.  People's thinking gets twisted in knots because the can't figure out the gender and they get stuck.

For me, presenting female avoids that.

Marion

Offline Pammie

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2021, 11:35:50 am »
I think going back on HRT may well change you physically and mentally so you would need to be ready for that too - it’s not a simple thing to manage or control. If your wife is not supportive is she likely to be cool about those changes?
It’s a tightrope isn’t it! Wishing you success! X


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Offline SarahEL

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2021, 11:58:33 am »
I had a non-supportive spouse.. and she said, if you transition to female I will not be married to you..

Gender is innate, it is who you are.. are you gender-fluid, are you Non-binary? If so, and your spouse is accepting of that then I can see no issues..

If, however, like me, your binary female... .....  you may notice I said, I 'had' a non-supportive spouse..
But that is my story.. yours may be different.

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The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

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Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2021, 12:52:40 pm »
I would highly recommend talking to your therapist about this sense of compromise. Initially identifying as a Bigender individual, I also considered non-binary/Gender-fluid as  a compromise. Through therapy I came to the realization that I actually am non-binary/Gender-fluid for gender identity with a Female-dominant expression of that gender- so for me this shift was very affirming. 

Hugs!!

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Offline sarahc

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2021, 09:21:35 pm »
How you identify is very different from how you choose you live. I would remain clear-eyed about knowing your gender identity - don’t try to fool yourself because that’s just going to be mentally damaging. Don’t try to become gender fluid or non-binary if that isn’t you. It’s not going to work.

With that said, you can make practical sacrifices for the sake of things you care about, like your marriage. But that shouldn’t affect what you know deep down about yourself. One of things that kept me sane for decades prior to transition was that I accepted I was trans, but I was making what I determined was a rational decision to not pursue transition because of career and social considerations. And I was functional having made that choice. You might arrive at a similar conclusion, maybe accepting the need to embrace your true self in private sometimes.

This is definitely something to work through with your therapist.

Sarah
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48 years young.
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First therapy session / decided to transition / hair removal: October 2018
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Offline Wendywishes

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #7 on: January 07, 2021, 09:05:30 am »
Thank you everyone for the responses and great advice.  I'll talk with my therapist about it as well.  As for the hormonal changes, that is going to be a delicate balancing act.  I guess I won't know for sure if I can find self-acceptance with being gender fluid until I start down that path, and that first step is always the most difficult...
I'll do what I can to show her the way,
And maybe one day I will free her,
Though I know no one can see her...
- Cat Stevens

Offline DKTGSupport

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #8 on: January 07, 2021, 01:08:19 pm »
Watch this channel and see if you recognize anything:
https://www.youtube.com/c/BrinConvenient
"I wish there was another sex, a neutral one. One with no parts. One that was outside of the whole reproduction thing. Then people would never even see me as an option. That would be really nice."

Genderrelated accounts : AVEN / Youtube

Offline Amy Chislett

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2021, 11:50:10 pm »
I'd emphasize the value you place on this other.  That ain't chop liver.  You say she says she loves you.  I basically muddle through life without an other.  So, I am free, right?  Not exactly.  It's my family that holds me back.  Ask yourself what's your function (conjunction junction).  Well functions change over time.  So,what's your identity (more unchanging).   Sounds like you need more time before throwing something so important away.  Short trips away from her could give you an outlet of expression.
My mind is bent to tell of bodies changed into different shapes.
Ovid, Metamorphoses

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Offline Rakel

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #10 on: April 16, 2021, 07:44:13 pm »
I with held my transition for over 50 years because of my obligations to my wife and children. Many of us sacrifice ourselves for the sake of our families. After my children were grown and on their own and my wife found affection elsewhere, there was nothing holding me back.

I took a long look at myself and I just decided what was right for me. The rest is history.





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Offline Lady Grey

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2021, 10:17:11 pm »
From what I understand gender fluid is not a compromise.  It is a deep essential identity. You either are gender fluid or you're not.  If you want a "complete transition" then you are not gender fluid and will never be satisfied settling with anything less.
post op

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2021, 12:48:05 am »
I've been "different" for so  long I don't seem to have any need to fit in one of the two gender boxes.
I'd rather find a partner that accepts me the way I am than to go through the time and effort of hormones and surgeries.

Marion

Offline MzAlexis

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2021, 08:37:45 am »
I've been "different" for so  long I don't seem to have any need to fit in one of the two gender boxes.
I'd rather find a partner that accepts me the way I am than to go through the time and effort of hormones and surgeries.

Marion

Very Well Put!
I've known since a child that I was different, but it took many years until I realized that being genderfluid / non-binary is where I fall (and to be honest even when I came to that realization you never heard either of those terms... there wasn't nearly the awareness that there is now).  And while I've taken hormones off an on, and thought about doing some surgery (still do, but the truth is I likely won't because desire to do so does vary) I don't feel the need to fit into any box...  So you are right about just finding a partner who accepts you for who you are, it shouldn't matter.
 
Just as an aside that sort of goes along with exactly that I have a profile on a dating site that I have posted pictures of my feminine side (I live as a man) and in my profile one of the things that I put was that the real significance of my feminine picture is that it shouldn't have any.... If the image is more significant than the content of character and who you as a being then it's obviously not going to work.

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Non-binary / gender fluid as a compromise?
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2021, 11:32:04 am »
I can look at myself in the mirror and think that I'm doing pretty well for my age.
My breasts are about the right size.  Big enough to fill out the juniors tops and VS bras that I buy.
I do a lot of squatting exercises so I have the hips to match for a reasonably attractive hourglass figure.

Marion

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