Topic: Trying to make it work

[LVnerdygirl]

My husband of 15 years has just recently come to myself and in turn our four children (15,12,8,3) and decided to live his true self as a female. We have had our ups and downs over the last 3 years which has boiled down to his self distructing due to fear and hate of himself. I love this person and when I saw her for the first time felt I was truly seeing the person I feel in love with all those years ago. The older kids had it discussed with them and do not really mind. The younger kids acted fine and we will address questions as the arise. I love this person and she states she loves me and was so afraid of losing me. She is keeping a little distant and we are figuring things out. I just am looking for advice how I can support her. I truly love her no matter the outcome of our marriage and have always wanted her to be active in our lives but she deals with so much going on in her head and the other day talked about a dream of me rejecting her for a "man" I have never had feelings for anyone else, even through all our issues she has had my heart. I just feel so helpless and at times feel like I am on the outside and will never be a part of her life in that community. Advice, maybe just a friend I don't know. Is this possible? after the smoke clears can I still be standing or is her dysmorphia going to win?

[Rakel]

Good evening,

I would like to first take a few moments to officially welcome you to Susan's Place. We are a website that offers support for everyone with any type of gender related issue. Since we have many members here who are underage, we moderate these forums to keep them family friendly and safe for everyone. We have Terms of Service, which are 20 rules we all must abide by. I will post the links to the Terms of Service below, along with links to other important information.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

____________________________________________________________________________________

And now back to the topic of your post.

When someone transitions from one sex to another, many people have issues of their own about this, especially if there is a long term relationship and obligations to support a family. I know several people who are married and their marriage survived one person's transition. The common trait for them is unconditional love. A few of these couples are more financially secure if they stay together. Some people now regard their spouse as just another family member. They live under the same roof, but sleep in separate bedrooms. Everybody must work out their own living arrangement.

There are many more whose marriage did not survive. I am one of those who went through a divorce because my spouse could not accept me as I am now. This is just one of the costs of my transition, which I expected and accepted to be myself.

When children are involved, the situation becomes complicated. I am a late transitioner and my children were out on their own for many years, so I have no experience in this area. Maybe, some of the other people here who have this issue can offer advice.

What all this really comes down to is this, your spouse has their issues and you have yours. Each of you must decide what is best for you and your family. Whatever you decide to do, remain civil and come to a mutual understanding. This will be better for everyone. My spouse left and got opinions from everyone except myself. It was not pretty and nobody won. It did not have to be like that, but it was and it is over.

Take care and think carefully about this. 

[Northern Star Girl]

@LVnerdygirl
Dear LVnerdygirl:

I see that our lovely member @Rakel has Officially Welcomed you to the Susan's Place Forums.

Now that you have submitted your first post regarding your questions and concerns....  when you have some time please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to briefly introduce yourself and tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, you and others can have this thread back so that the conversation can continue.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[Nadine Spirit]

It's possible.  Maybe not probable, but possible, yes. 

I transitioned after my wife and I had been married for about 20 years or so.  I also know several other couples whose marriage survived transition.  My opinion is that if you can openly communicate well, and want to stay together, and can figure out how to both be happy with whatever arrangement that you can regarding sex, then sure the relationship can work.  With sex, my wife is bi, and I'm only into women.  With another couple I know they decided to be polyamorous.  Point is, whatever works, as long as it works. 

Good luck!

[Jessica_Rose]

My wife and I have been married for 36 years, and we have two adult daughters. I transitioned three years ago. There were many rough periods when I was certain she would leave, and several months when we slept in separate bedrooms. I told her I would understand if she needed to separate. No matter how upset she was, she always supported me and was always willing to help -- makeup, hair, post-surgical care. On several occasions I asked her why she stayed with me, through decades of increasing anger and rage, and through my transition. She always answered with 'because I love you.' Now we are planning to marry each other again. As Rakel said, it's called 'unconditional love'. We still have some things to work out, but we will do it together.

Let your spouse know you will always be there, willing to help, willing to listen, willing to hug. Tell your spouse that you didn't fall in love with her because of their gender, you fell in love with her soul. When two people love each other, gender shouldn't matter. Please feel free to IM me or my wife ( @Susan_Rose ) with any question you may have. We will do our best to answer them. We wish you all the best.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[RandiL]

Hi again Monica,

My own marriage did not survive. Our kids are grown up and accepting, and my wife tried to be. We found a great relationship counselor and worked with him for several years. But I was always holding back a little, despite encouragement to say what I really needed. When I finally did, and revealed that I wanted to begin hormone therapy, my wife said that was it, it was over. She had drawn a line, I knew it, and I needed to cross over it.

As several others said above, if you can remain flexible and communicate well, then things can work out. Good luck!

[Maid Marion]

Many people have fantasies that won't ever come true.  Just because something is said doesn't mean it will ever be acted on.  I remember a Twilight zone episode of someone fantasizing about robbing a bank.  But that is all it was, a fantasy.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Penny_for_Your_Thoughts_(The_Twilight_Zone)
Next Hector hears an old, trusted employee, Smithers, thinking about how he will steal cash from the bank and escape to Bermuda. He takes Helen fully into his confidence; she doesn't believe in his powers, but urges him to tell Bagby about Smithers. Hector does, saying he overheard Smithers talking about the theft; incredulous at first, Bagby decides the story is plausible enough to try catching Smithers in the act. Smithers proves to be innocent, and Bagby fires Hector. Smithers then privately admits to Poole that he has fantasized for years about just such a theft as an escape from his dead-end job, but is too set in his ways to go through with it.