Introduction kind of long,
Thomasina, twin, the female version of Thomas @47. Fitting. When I was young my parents would tease me with this name when I didn't fit, wouldn't they be surprised to learn that I took what they considered weakness and turned it into strength.
My best therapist would always say that we need to be mindful and to think of the spaces in-between, the middle ground, the yin/yang, and at my core female/male. I spent so many years trying to enforce a role that never felt my own, but that was what I was taught and that is what I enforced. This created a level of conflict that almost killed me and I don't mean that figuratively. I damaged my relationships and family by always being an alpha male. I spent years being the most staunch biblical supporter of relationship definition and society rule, all the while suppressing who I really was and not always conscious of it.
I found running 3 years ago (hard core 2 years ago and this is an accomplishment on it's own if you knew my past) and I use it as my self discovery time. Using it to apply all the years of skills taught in therapy to find myself, my true self. 1st working through my stressors and then looking inward and I found someone I tried to bury, cut, and destroy.
So I formally acknowledge Thomasina, my twin and all her complexity. I am working to adjust the outside to match the inside and as the 2 sync I can feel such calm and centeredness. I have 2 grown children and a supportive spouse and I no longer have to hold on to the personality I had created and I truly never needed. Like my spouse always says, look forward not back. As a runner I have endured some bullies as bad as high school and I found one thing on that journey that will help me on this one.
There is only one life and it is mine. I want to enjoy and try everything in it, not what someone else says it should be or any of their comments to the contrary of what I want.
Thank you for everyone who posts their experiences, it has been inspirational and enlightening. I have no misconception that this journey is not difficult. What makes it easier now is not caring what others think and I have been through worse and I will be stronger on the other side. Same as running.
I held onto this intro and posting for a while but today as I start HRT it seems fitting.
Today it is they/them and someday I hope it will be she/her because I feel my best as Thomasina. I will keep a relationship with Thomas but I am afraid it's time for some distance.
