Community Conversation > Non-Transitioning and Detransitioning

"Old FtM" still perceived as a woman

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Zarathoustra:
Hi,
I am a fairly old ftm (in medical transition for 12 years already) and I am still often perceived as a woman often in real life and always on the phone, which makes my social life difficult. People hesitate a lot and they called me "madam" or "miss" in public space a dozen times a week or more. It's very unpleasant and I no longer trust my masculinity when I hear "ma'am", "miss", "she" or "her" to refer to me. I have a very short and masculine haircut and only masculine clothes but I'm very short with feminine shapes and a small face...
I tried to work as a man as a teacher and the students called me "madam" to make fun of me and I heard them use female pronouns to talk about me I’m desperate to be seen as a guy one day and I think about accepting fate but at the same time I see myself as a guy despite the fact that my appearance makes me appear like a woman.However this facts accentuates the dysphoria in me and when I look at my face in the mirror I sometimes feel it it is definitely feminine (with a useless beard) and the fact of having to be perceived as a man puts me a great pressure.
I fall apart when I am sent back to femininity and yet it happens so often

 I admit that I thought of getting my beard waxed to live as a very butch woman in social and professional life while knowing that I remain a man inside but this does not seem to me a totally good way. I am sometimes seen as a boy but I am nearly 32 years old and I am never seen as a man of my age and much more often as a woman than a man. This is very unsettling. I feel like I’m doomed to be a woman in people’s eyes and I don’t know how to build my life with this fate.
Sorry for my poor command of the language, I hope you will understand the essentials of my message.

Thank you to read me.


I add that I am tired of fighting about people: "please, I am a man, not a woman" "I am not Madam, just call me Sir please", "no you are mistaken, I am not a girl", it is exhausting and so humiliating to always have to justify oneself.

Maybe I’d be happy to live as a very butch woman in public while knowing I’m a guy for myself but this private identity is frustrating.

Maid Marion:
I know what that is like.  I'm AMAB but due to my short height and hourglass figure I would constantly be misgendered. No matter what I did. But, I just accepted that people couldn't tell.

The biggest issue was that people would discount my talents and I didn't realize it was a gender issue.

As a mtf I find it very easy to socialize as female. Which is what I do now.  But, I also had the benefit of being married to an excellent partner for fifteen years and being able to talk about anything and everything.  As well as the living through the tough times the year before she passed away.  These days my figure is as girly as ever, with my waistline down to 25inches. 

There is no pressure at work because I do lots of stuff which nobody else can do.  As well as living in a state that is quite progressive with regards to gender equality. 

Marion

Rakel:
At 32 years of age, you are NOT old. I am 71 and I do NOT feel old. Age is just a matter of perspective.

The situation is the same with gender identity. Our perceived gender is a combination of outward appearance, mannerisms and speech. Many of us do whatever we need to do to match our physical self with our internal sense of self. We must make a good evaluation of our own situation and decide what needs to be changed.

One caution here, be yourself. If you are trying to act out as a different gender, it too often, becomes obvious and does not convince anyone what your gender is.

Devlyn:
My standard answer here isn't meant to sound glib; I can tell that being misgendered bothers you. But people see what they see. If their eyes tell them you're a woman, beard and all, they'll address you that way. We have to give people the visual clues they're looking for. This also extends to voice and mannerisms.

I'd like to comment on this:


--- Quote ---I add that I am tired of fighting about people: "please, I am a man, not a woman" "I am not Madam, just call me Sir please", "no you are mistaken, I am not a girl", it is exhausting and so humiliating to always have to justify oneself.
--- End quote ---

In cases like this, a simple correction is best. You shouldn't be pleading with people or explaining. Just interrupt them and  say "It's sir." or "Him" or "His" and move on with the conversation. I recently started a new job and we were talking in the parking lot after work. I showed one of the coworkers my etsy shop and he said "Hey, Josh, check out what he makes." I said "She" and my coworker immediately said "Sorry, look what she makes."

In the end, you need to not let it get to you. What matters is what you think of yourself. If it's the perception of others that is important to you,  you're in for a rough ride. You're doing this for yourself, not for them.

Hugs, Devlyn

ChrissyRyan:

--- Quote from: Devlyn on January 31, 2021, 03:56:15 am ---My standard answer here isn't meant to sound glib; I can tell that being misgendered bothers you. But people see what they see. If their eyes tell them you're a woman, beard and all, they'll address you that way. We have to give people the visual clues they're looking for. This also extends to voice and mannerisms.

I'd like to comment on this:

In cases like this, a simple correction is best. You shouldn't be pleading with people or explaining. Just interrupt them and  say "It's sir." or "Him" or "His" and move on with the conversation. I recently started a new job and we were talking in the parking lot after work. I showed one of the coworkers my etsy shop and he said "Hey, Josh, check out what he makes." I said "She" and my coworker immediately said "Sorry, look what she makes."

In the end, you need to not let it get to you. What matters is what you think of yourself. If it's the perception of others that is important to you,  you're in for a rough ride. You're doing this for yourself, not for them.

Hugs, Devlyn

--- End quote ---


How true.  Good point.

Chrissy

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