Topic: Creating Ellen's new life

[EllenW]

@Northern Star Girl

Thank you Danielle. I hope you and your tooth-fairy sweetie have a wonderful Easter

Ellen

[EllenW]

Yesterday I spent the my first holiday with out my beloved. Easter was an important holiday for Diane. She had a very fond memories of spending time with her mother and her nieces drying eggs. For me this was the first Easter that I ever spent alone and without family. Before meeting Diane, I always had Easter dinner with my parents and then afterward either with mine or hers. Then the last 15 years at a charity dinner to rescue dogs. It was very hard and depressing day for me.

I discussed this today with the my therapist. She was happy that I texted my relatives and talked to others during the day. We then talked about my fear of of upcoming holidays, like the 4th of July and Thanksgiving. She suggested that I start thinking about how to deal with them and made some suggestions on what actions I can take to help  myself during these holidays.

She was also pleased that I have been reaching out to others and taking actions to build my a new life as a single women. Like going to lunch with new friends, getting wonderful feed back from them and the members here.

Ellen

[Northern Star Girl]

@EllenW
Dear Ellen:
I trust and hope that this week is going better for you....
... and I am so happy to read that you and your therapist are
discussing important matters that will help you to continue on.

Thank you for sharing and posting.

HUGS     
Danielle

     

[EllenW]

@Northern Star Girl

Danielle,

Thank you for your wishes and I am happy to report that the week is much better. Monday, I had the two dogs groomed by the mobile groomer that Diane had been using for years. Afterwards we talked for a while and she mentioned that long time ago she told her that I was her best friend. That made be very happy as we were going through a rough time when Diane first starting using her. At that time ,she was having a very hard time accepting by GID.

Then today, I was working on a business process issue that some co-workers that would take custom programming. I was able to get the program to function the way we need to resolve the customers issue. I was so happy to be able to tell the team that I solved the issue. I even gloated a little  . One of the managers on the teams call, texted me that she was impressed that I got the system to work. I did a victor dance in my chair. 

Ellen

[RandiL]

Ellen any victory over software is worthy of celebration. Or is that victory WITH software? I'm never sure.

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[EllenW]

Ellen any victory over software is worthy of celebration. Or is that victory WITH software? I'm never sure.

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It is OVER, getting it to work for the shipper

[EllenW]

The last couple of weeks have been decent. I am still struggling at work to keep motivated each day. But with a couple of new implementation projects I am keeping busy, which keeps me from getting depressed.

I have slowly been working on clearing out Diane's stashes. I have made a couple of trips to the local Savers donation center which supports Epilepsy Research. This afternoon I had, my new neighborhood friend come into my house for the first time. She new that I had a lot to go through but never realized how much. I described how much I already cleared out, she was impressed. She was also amazed at all the items Diane bought over the last couple of decades and that I could live with it. I said she but up with my gender dysphoria and I accepted and loved her the way she was. She said she understood.

I have also started going to a grieving group at a local church. One of the points they raised that is that all of our loved ones, spouses, children, parents are on loan to us from God. So when Danelle quoted the following verse in another thread it really hit home for me. That life is short and that we need not only to enjoy our loved ones but our friends as well when they are with.

James 4:14
Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.

Thank you all on this site for listening to me as I work through my grief in losing the love of my life.

Hugs and love to you all

Ellen

[RandiL]

It is interesting that reading this quote in the context of your post somehow made it strike home in my heart and brought tears for me. I'm glad your grief group is helping.

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[Maid Marion]

I lost my wife nearly a decade ago.

She had enough time to give away her jewelry and clothes to her sister and friends.
In an amazing coincidence, a co-worker who wore exactly the same size clothes and shoes
had a house fire and lost everything.  Clothes went to her instead of Savers.

One of her antique clocks was used as retirement gift.  I talked to him the other day and he said had it serviced once and it still runs!  It was the perfect gift because he has ties to where it was made.

Marion

[EllenW]

Last night I attended my grief support work at a local church. One of the points that was discussed really hit home. It talked about how when your long term spouse/partner dies, you loose part of your identity. That to be able to move on you need to be able to re-invent your identity and start a new chapter of your life.

That made me think of a lot us here. That when we transition we are building a new life for ourselves. Some of us lose our spouse or family members. Sometimes by moving thousand of miles to start a new career. Others like me are lucky in not losing anyone. Either way we are starting a new chapter of our life.

I have come to realize that with Diane's death that the new chapter that I am writing is not only Ellen's chapter as a women but that as a single women. Something I never expected. but I am doing it.

Ellen

 

[TSL_NB]

Hey Ellen, my thoughts are with you, sis.
-Vivian

[EllenW]

Yesterday I had a wonderful day and it made me feel that I can have a life without the love of my life.  In the morning I continued to work on her stash of items that are in the living room. I was able to do this for some time without felling guilty about going through her items.

Then in the afternoon my friend and I loaded three large boxes and a couple of bags into the back of her jeep and took them to donation center that supports Epilepsy research. She had been looking for a small table so she could move her company's computer screen off her dining room table. I offered the one that Diane found and that was in the living dining area of the townhouse. She looked at and was excited and very thankful. So we took the legs off and took it to her house. While I was putting the legs back onto the table we worked on getting our dogs acquainted with each other so that we could do more things together with our dogs.

However, the best part was our conversation. The last time we where out together I decided to tell her I was transgender. I opened up to her as I believe if we are going to be good friends she should know my personal history just as I was learning about hers. While I was working on the table she asked if she could ask me a questions about my transition. I said of course and we had a very open conversion about what it means to be transgender (at least my point of view). We even talked about going out  on a double date. Which would be something very new for me as I have not been out on a date for decades and never as my true feminine self. We carried on the conversation when we went out to dinner. She is a very positive person and we talked a lot of how I need to me more positive about myself. That she considered me to be a beautiful person both inside and on the outside. We talked about how I need to make my home to be Ellen's house and not Diane's house and positive steps I can take to do that. She also said that I need to look at myself in the mirror several time a day and tell myself that I am a beautiful person that deserves to be happy. And that is what Diane would want. I am so lucky that she has become my friend.

Ellen

[Wendi]

Yesterday I had a wonderful day and it made me feel that I can have a life without the love of my life.  In the morning I continued to work on her stash of items that are in the living room. I was able to do this for some time without felling guilty about going through her items.

Then in the afternoon my friend and I loaded three large boxes and a couple of bags into the back of her jeep and took them to donation center that supports Epilepsy research. She had been looking for a small table so she could move her company's computer screen off her dining room table. I offered the one that Diane found and that was in the living dining area of the townhouse. She looked at and was excited and very thankful. So we took the legs off and took it to her house. While I was putting the legs back onto the table we worked on getting our dogs acquainted with each other so that we could do more things together with our dogs.

However, the best part was our conversation. The last time we where out together I decided to tell her I was transgender. I opened up to her as I believe if we are going to be good friends she should know my personal history just as I was learning about hers. While I was working on the table she asked if she could ask me a questions about my transition. I said of course and we had a very open conversion about what it means to be transgender (at least my point of view). We even talked about going out  on a double date. Which would be something very new for me as I have not been out on a date for decades and never as my true feminine self. We carried on the conversation when we went out to dinner. She is a very positive person and we talked a lot of how I need to me more positive about myself. That she considered me to be a beautiful person both inside and on the outside. We talked about how I need to make my home to be Ellen's house and not Diane's house and positive steps I can take to do that. She also said that I need to look at myself in the mirror several time a day and tell myself that I am a beautiful person that deserves to be happy. And that is what Diane would want. I am so lucky that she has become my friend.

Ellen

Ellen, I'm so glad your neighbor is open minded and it's being a good friend for you.

Hugs

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[Northern Star Girl]

@EllenW
Dear Ellen:
I so very much enjoyed reading your last and most recent posting.... I could "hear" the happiness, excitement and joy in your voice as I read your posting.

I know for a fact from my own experience that answering your neighbor's questions regarding your transition journey must have been a very happy and affirming time for you.  To actually have someone being accepting, open and curious about these things is a wonderful experience for sure.

Your neighbor sounds like a very accepting and wonderful person.... the right kind of person that makes a good friend.
Wow.... a double date is in the future plans perhaps?

I agree with what your neighbor said to you.....
"You need to look at yourself in the mirror several time a day and tell yourself
that you are a beautiful person that deserves to be happy."

Thank you for sharing this part of your life with me and the rest of your avid followers....

I will be eagerly following your future posts and updates here on your thread and also around the various threads on the Forums as you feel free to share with us.... (but only as you feel comfortable doing so)

HUGS and HUGS and HUGS.... 
Danielle

[Rachel Montgomery]

It sounds like you made a friend.  That is something we all need.   

[RandiL]

Ellen, gaining a new friend is such good news. You are being yourself and that can lead to a good relationship. I'm glad for you

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[EllenW]

@Wendi, @Northern Star Girl, @Rachel Montgomery, @RandiL

Thank you all for your comments. I am very happy that I followed my therapist advise and had the courage to take the first step in making her a friend. She has been very helpful in getting me through the grieving process and making me believe in myself.

And yes Danielle, I sure hope that there is a double date in the future. Since I work from home I need to get out and interact with other people and a double date would me a safe way to go out as Ellen for the first time.

Ellen

[Rachel Montgomery]

You might want to go out for the first time as a “non-coupled” foursome, with a couple of men and a couple of women, or whatever you are into.  Season to taste.  But, no pressure, no stress, just 4 people enjoying an evening together.  And, if you get asked out, then a double date.  . Just an idea, but maybe I move stupid slow.  I just get stressed, and nervous, and awkward on a first date in a way that I don’t if it is just people getting together for an evening.  And, if we already enjoyed a fun evening on those terms, I wouldn’t be so stressed going for another evening, this time with a ratcheted up social dynamic.

[EllenW]

You might want to go out for the first time as a “non-coupled” foursome, with a couple of men and a couple of women, or whatever you are into.  Season to taste.  But, no pressure, no stress, just 4 people enjoying an evening together.  And, if you get asked out, then a double date.  . Just an idea, but maybe I move stupid slow.  I just get stressed, and nervous, and awkward on a first date in a way that I don’t if it is just people getting together for an evening.  And, if we already enjoyed a fun evening on those terms, I wouldn’t be so stressed going for another evening, this time with a ratcheted up social dynamic.

Rachel,

You make some very good points. I would most likely be nervous either way. But I need to move forward with my new life without my beloved. I think the best way is to be out with other people. Working from home can be very lonely. I have been doing it for over 13 years, just now I do not have anyone else in the house. Unless you count the dogs

Ellen
 

[EllenW]

Years ago I converted all my LP to MP4 and I have the songs randomly play while at my desk. The song " When You've Got What It Takes" by the Carpenters is played. I feel that the lyrics speaks to what a lot of us realize when we transition.

When you've got what it takes
You've got nothing to hide
You've got miles of feelings
And acres of pride
You've got it
You've really got it

When you know who you are
Then you live what you feel
You give what you can
And it's good when you've really got it
And when you've got it

Let it out
Let it show
Let them know
Inside you've got it
Let it shine like a fine tomorrow
For when you do
The feeling comes back to you

What a difference it makes
When you've got what it takes
What a difference it makes
When you've got it

When you're sure of your heart
Then you give it away
And love is a promise
You keep every day
You know it
And when you know it
You begin to believe

You'll do more than survive
That the best part of being is being alive
You feel it
And when you feel it

Let it out
Let it show
Let them know
Inside you've got it
Let it shine like a fine tomorrow
For when you do
The feelin' comes back to you

Ellen