Author Topic: What are the things that are holding you back in going full-time mtf transition?  (Read 1160 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline ChrissyRyan

  • Have a gentle manner ❤️
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 32,407
  • Reputation: +38/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • No act of kindness, however small, is wasted.
What are the things that are holding you back in going full-time with your mtf transition?


Is it existing relationships and how they might change?
Is it perhaps others do not want you to complete your transition and that is a very tough complication for you?
Is it your job and career?
Is it a fear of a hard detransition, should that for some reason become wise to do?
Is it financial...  hard to see spending lots of money on surgeries, electrolysis?
Is it that you think you are too young or too old?
Is it a fear of being attacked and harmed?
Is it your belief that you will never completely pass?
Is it your voice?
Is it a health related reason?
Is it a fear of being lonely or unloved?
Is it a lack of understanding your sexuality (not gender) and how that could possibly change?
Is it that you are not settled with your gender, perhaps it is fluid?
Is it that this is such a big step, you are scared of moving forward because of many future unknowns?
Is it that you know you are not committed yet to full-time status?  Why is that?

Or... ?

Now, others may share why you did go full-time and have or will complete your transition.  Maybe that will encourage others.   :)


Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline RandiL

  • Formerly RandyL
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 1,986
  • Reputation: +15/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • On the way
Thank you for asking these questions Chrissy. You are such a goldmine of provocative posts that get great conversations started.

I copied below the questions that I'm going to answer.

Is it your belief that you will never completely pass?
Is it your voice?
Is it that you are not settled with your gender, perhaps it is fluid?

Or... ?

Not passing is a minor irritant, but it contributes to my not seeing myself completely as female. Perhaps my gender is fluid also, but so far I'm doing everything I can to go in the female direction.

Voice is a definite obstacle, but I'm now in voice classes and hope to have something decent within 6 months.

Changing my pronouns and the spelling of my name will be a big step, but I'm not yet ready, in part because I don't know whether I'll be they/them or she/her.

Thanks for these great questions.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 536
  • Reputation: +10/-0
  • Gender: Female
Things holding me back from transitioning:

**Is it existing relationships and how they might change?
Yes, my wife would divorce me.  My step kids would probably try to forget I am alive (but, honestly they are the most likely to find a way to get over it).  My sisters wouldn’t speak to me.  My parents would try to destroy me.  I don’t have any friends I am worried about losing, mainly because I don’t have any close friends.

**Is it perhaps others do not want you to complete your transition and that is a very tough complication for you? I guess that goes into answer number 1.

Is it your job and career?  Yes, that would be over.  I wouldn’t be able to practice law in Alabama (no clients).  I could go to Georgia, but I would be starting from scratch at nearly 60 years old, and that would be hard as a transwoman.  I probably wouldn’t make any money.

**Is it a fear of a hard detransition, should that for some reason become wise to do?
I am sure it would be a one way trip for me.  Death would be the out.  Detransitioning wouldn’t repair what transitioning destroyed.
Is it financial...  hard to see spending lots of money on surgeries, electrolysis?  The fear I wouldn’t be able to afford food and medicine, much less housing and clothes.

**Is it that you think you are too young or too old?
Old enough that there aren’t that many years to build a new life, but if that were the only concern I’d start tomorrow.
**Is it a fear of being attacked and harmed?  Not really, though I would have to move.
**Is it your belief that you will never completely pass?   That is a concern.
**Is it your voice?  That is a problem area.
**Is it a health related reason? Not immediately.  But, my mother has dementia, and it is hereditary.  So, I do worry about the nightmare I had when I was young being played out.  The nightmare was that I would dream I was in class, and suddenly become aware that I was wearing a bra.  Hoping no one else would notice, I would then realize I was wearing ballet flats, and women’s jeans, and a girls top.  It was (I think) a dream about being caught dressed as a girl.  But, what if I transition and then get dementia, and I am constantly shocked to find myself dressed as a woman, with breasts and all, afraid someone will notice, forgetting that I transitioned?
**Is it a fear of being lonely or unloved? That is a serious concern.
**Is it a lack of understanding your sexuality (not gender) and how that could possibly change? No.  I acknowledge that it might, but ...no.  That wouldn’t slow me down.
**Is it that you are not settled with your gender, perhaps it is fluid? No.
**Is it that this is such a big step, you are scared of moving forward because of many future unknowns?   No.  But, not being able to get estrogen would be awful.
Is it that you know you are not committed yet to full-time status? [/color] No.

Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 37,693
  • Reputation: +66/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
@ChrissyRyan  @RandyL  @Rachel Montgomery

Dear Chrissy, Randy and Rachel:

This is a great posting and serves as a terrific check-list as members
consider their options and personal situations as they continue on in their journeys.

Thank you all for sharing and posting.

HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline SoCal_Holly

  • *
  • Posts: 511
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Multi-Pass
The order changes depending on day....lol

Not passing / not completing
Voice / learning natural femininity / unlearning male behavior patterns
Commitment / scared / confidence
Too old / time required for everything
Weight / body image

I’m getting more dsyphoric as I write this list... 😢

Offline warlockmaker

  • *
  • Posts: 1,399
  • Reputation: +148/-0
  • Gender: Female
There are always going to be obsticles in such a major life changung decisions. Each of us, who have taken the bold step to transitions have our own reasons that tipped the scales. It was never going to be easy for mature transitioners, I can only give you a quick summary of why I chose to transition 10 years ago.

First I had to accept that I am a tg from the perspective of a powerful and respected Alpha male. However, my growing unhappiness and agressive angry outbursts made me talk with a therapist. 3 years later I accepted and started HRT. Its very important that you are 100 percent certain that you are tg.

Personal acceptance that you are a tg is just the begining. Transition was never a question for me after that acceptance. Transition from that time forward was never in doubt. I knew I had to take that bold step for my mental peace and physical health.  Fears, and there were many, like those you outlined in your topic. But, in the end if someone really loves you and understands that if you do not transition you will be increasing miserable and affect the happiness of lives near you, most will understand. Most BUT not all.

I have 4 children with 3 wives. 50 % fully accepted. 1, my son, a Navy Seal rejected me and changed his surname to his grandfather. My 9 year old daughter's mother asked that I let her decide when she is older. I ok and accept this.

I moved to a new city found new friends. My old friends were left to choose to continue our friendship. I moved because I love my friends, I'm the one who has changed, how can I force their acceprance. Most old friends accepted BUT some could not. One, who did not accept, wrote to me and said that true love is not to force acceptance but to let them continue their lives without embarassing issues and he thanked me.

I now live a wonderful peaceful life in Bangkok. I speak and write thai and have become a Thai. This also required me to overcome obsticles. I guess life is about overcoming obsticles and making choices that not only bring us ling term peace and happiness bur also long term peace and happiness to those we love.
When we first start our journey the perception and moral values all dramatically change in wonderment. As we evolve further it all becomes normal again but the journey has changed us forever.

SRS January 21st,  2558 (Buddhist calander), 2015

Offline chloeleanneh

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 16
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Very good question.

Currently in my life just for starters.

My wife who I never expected or asked anything from had been seeing other people since February last year. We didn't discuss transition until June and until then this had been buried for around 5 years. She had been aware for 20 years before that. She said that she would stand by me but has done everything she can to break that trust.

We have 7 kids together with the youngest being just shy of 2. Recently she told me that our 14yo daughter was aware and wanted to speak to me about things. We spent 4 hours talking, including my direct questioning as to what she wanted to discuss only to discover that she really wasn't aware and this was the wife's effort to out me.

Same woman has phoned my family to out me and has posted all over social media. I am aware that this is unlawful however I am trying to be as amicable as possible for the kids.

There is far, far more however this is a snapshot and the kids absolutely come first.

Sent from my Lenovo TB-X104F using Tapatalk


Offline Rakel

  • Formerly known as Dani
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 4,336
  • Reputation: +64/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Rakel@susans.org
I am 71 years old. I knew I was different when I was still a teenager. When I was 17, I considered transition, but I made a different decision because of all the adverse comments transgender people were getting in the 1960's.

I went to college in the 1970's and again considered transition. At that time, all the therapists were convinced that the only reason for my feelings was that I had a father who was abusive and absent much of the time. How wrong they were, but that was the best information available at that time and I believed them. They told me all I needed to do was find a better role model and those feelings would leave me. Wrong again. Those feelings never went away.

By now, I had started a family, inspite of my inner feelings. I take my family obligations seriously. I denied myself and put everything I had into support for my family. I was miserable inside, but we were physically well off because I focused on work and was very successful at what I was doing to earn a living.

Later in life, the children were on their own and my wife of many years found affection in other men. I was devastated internally and at that point I sought professional counselling. My counselor gave me rational choices that were acceptable to me and I made a plan for my transition. The rest is history.

I am now happy with myself and I have no regrets transitioning, even at a later age in life. We all need to do what is best for our own situation, whatever that may be.







_______________________________________________________________

Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline EvaB

  • *
  • Posts: 50
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
From Rachel Montgomery response to "Things holding me back from transitioning":

Is it that you think you are too young or too old?
Old enough that there aren’t that many years to build a new life, but if that were the only concern I’d start tomorrow.

Although a great topic, I found this response particularly intriguing.  I am 71 and only three years after discovering my gender identity, but I have already envisioned my new life as a woman.  I can't wait to get there and along the way I am discovering new facets of how this new life will bring me happiness.  Will this disappoint me?  Well, I see nothing that is unattainable, no exaggerated expectations, so I can honestly say no to that question.  I am hoping to blossom and become a complete 'me' at a minimum!
"You cannot be happy if you are not joyful about something.  When you find this joy, happiness, grace, and virtue will follow.  The Way of the dog is to find this joy every day and to never give up this search." - Said to Eros, the Metaphysical Dog by his mother, Skylark.  Good advice for human's too!

Offline ChrissyRyan

  • Have a gentle manner ❤️
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 32,407
  • Reputation: +38/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • No act of kindness, however small, is wasted.
Thank you for asking these questions Chrissy. You are such a goldmine of provocative posts that get great conversations started.

I copied below the questions that I'm going to answer.

Not passing is a minor irritant, but it contributes to my not seeing myself completely as female. Perhaps my gender is fluid also, but so far I'm doing everything I can to go in the female direction.

Voice is a definite obstacle, but I'm now in voice classes and hope to have something decent within 6 months.

Changing my pronouns and the spelling of my name will be a big step, but I'm not yet ready, in part because I don't know whether I'll be they/them or she/her.

Thanks for these great questions.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk


Thank you Randy.

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline ChrissyRyan

  • Have a gentle manner ❤️
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 32,407
  • Reputation: +38/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • No act of kindness, however small, is wasted.
Lots of thoughtful responses so far!

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline heather3791

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 99
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Hi Chrissy. Thanks for this post. My answers are below. I especially feel compelled to reply to this post because of my current situation. For those of you who may have read my post about having to stop HRT because of breast growth here’s why:

Is it existing relationships and how they might change?

This is the biggest and my main concern. Especially worried about how my nine year old son will be affected. I worry about losing his respect and letting him down. He just looks up to me so much. We are both very athletic and constantly playing sports together. He’s always saying how he wants to be like me at everything. He’s always telling his friends about me and how his Dad can do this or that so awesome. I play sports with him and often several of his neighborhood friends even. I worry about how his classmates and friends would treat him if I all of a sudden presented as a woman. I worry about him getting older into his puberty years and him being ashamed of me and telling me not to come to his soccer games or other events. I worry about missing out on being with him. I love him so very much.

Is it perhaps others do not want you to complete your transition and that is a very tough complication for you?

Yup. I’ve told several friends and family I’m trans. And all of them have been accepting initially. But when I told some of them I was going to start HRT things changed. It’s like “Oh really...$hi+ just got real.” My ex (my son’s mother) has the same worries as me and has warned me what could happen. My own mother who was initially accepting has now told me that “I’d be going down the wrong road if I do this.” My best friends has been very accepting and supportive but when I told him about HRT he just started crying! Not a happy for me cry either. A sad cry like he’s losing me.

Is it your job and career?

Yes. I had a business and luckily sold it last year. Now I’m looking for a new career. I worry about how transition will affect me finding a job and then keeping it. I’m interested in several sales positions. I worry about starting a sales position and meeting with clients as first a man and then becoming a woman.

Is it a fear of a hard detransition, should that for some reason become wise to do?

Yes definitely.

Is it financial...  hard to see spending lots of money on surgeries, electrolysis?

Not really but could be challenging.

Is it that you think you are too young or too old?

I’m in my late 40’s and in relatively good health so I think I’d be okay with this.

Is it a fear of being attacked and harmed?

A little.

Is it your belief that you will never completely pass?

A little

Is it your voice?

No.

Is it a health related reason?

No.

Is it a fear of being lonely or unloved?

Yes some.

Is it a lack of understanding your sexuality (not gender) and how that could possibly change?

No.

Is it that you are not settled with your gender, perhaps it is fluid?

No.

Is it that this is such a big step, you are scared of moving forward because of many future unknowns?

Absolutely.

Is it that you know you are not committed yet to full-time status?  Why is that?

Yes because of the previous things mentioned.

Thanks again Chrissy. This was a healthy exercise.

Hugs,

Heather

Offline ChrissyRyan

  • Have a gentle manner ❤️
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 32,407
  • Reputation: +38/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • No act of kindness, however small, is wasted.
Heather,

I am glad this was helpful for you.

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline ChrissyRyan

  • Have a gentle manner ❤️
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 32,407
  • Reputation: +38/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • No act of kindness, however small, is wasted.
I so tire of the part male and part female life, as I am a woman.
I wonder when I will arrive at the tipping point.

Riding the fence has its safety. 

Is it greener on the other side?  Perhaps yes, perhaps no, perhaps there will be no grass.

I will let nature take its course.  When it is the right time, I will know.  At least, that currently makes sense.

Hugs,

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Bonnie lee

  • Visitor
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Reputation: +1/-0
The first and major reason is losing everything. My wife, house, daughter, friends and some family. I've been married  for 21 years and I love my wife and daughter  to death.Yhere is nothing  I wouldn't do for them im not happy the way I am now.ive been in therapy 5 times before and had a nervous  breakdown once before because of my depression and dysphoria. I'm 57 now and just losing everything  is the biggest fear I have. I can deal with everything  life has thrown at me I'm just afraid to lose it all, sorry if it s I understand like a ranting but trying to write and make sense  is another problem  I have...

Offline Rakel

  • Formerly known as Dani
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 4,336
  • Reputation: +64/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Rakel@susans.org
Good evening Bonnie lee

I noticed that this is your very first post here at Susan's Place.

I would like to take a few minutes and Officially Welcome you to Susan's Place.

We a supportive website for everyone with any kind of gender related issue. We have many members here who are underage and we must keep Susan's Place Family Friendly for these members. Because of this, Susan's Place is moderated. We have 20 rules all of us must abide by and these are listed in the Terms of Service. I will post the links to the Terms of Service below along with links to other important information.

Again welcome to Susan's Place.

____________________________________________________________________________________________


Things that you should read




_______________________________________________________________

Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline Rachel Montgomery

  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 536
  • Reputation: +10/-0
  • Gender: Female
The first and major reason is losing everything. My wife, house, daughter, friends and some family. I've been married  for 21 years and I love my wife and daughter  to death.Yhere is nothing  I wouldn't do for them im not happy the way I am now.ive been in therapy 5 times before and had a nervous  breakdown once before because of my depression and dysphoria. I'm 57 now and just losing everything  is the biggest fear I have. I can deal with everything  life has thrown at me I'm just afraid to lose it all, sorry if it s I understand like a ranting but trying to write and make sense  is another problem  I have...

I understand.  I am the same age and have the same concerns.  Right now, I can cope with it.  I hope that never changes.

Coping does result in me being short tempered, impatient and very frustrated a lot of the time. 

Offline TanandaTheTrollop

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 46
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Nothing stopped me, ever. The moment I knew it was possible nothing would have kept me from it.

No relationships ever, this has been my whole life. Not sure if I was unfortunate or very lucky.
Not sure I have ever been susceptible to peer pressure.
No, got made fun of, and eventually ignored and laughed around me when the company made a statement about trans people.
I was never going to detransition, one and done. Would die before I ever went back.
No, whatever it took. Seriously did not matter, I would find a way.
Was 45 when I started hormones, did not care if I came out looking like a geriatric swamp thing.
I was beat up so bad. My face was a pulpy mess for months and my hip still clicks when I walk.
It never mattered.
I worked on my voice from the time I knew transition was possible, the one thing we can all do, I was going to get it down. Period.
My endo told me she had to take me off hormones at 1 year in because of my diabetes. Told her just to dig a grave, smack me in the back of the head with the shovel and bury me. I lived 45 years of dead, give me life or make it official.
I lived my life alone.
I have always been attracted to men.
Very binary female.
There was no future, I had reached the end.

Offline Squeaky99

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 28
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
My SO.  I finally found my perfect person after 46 years of life and an unhappy marriage and now I dump this on her.  I had always known I wasn't gender congruent but the idea of transitioning wasn't really on my radar.  Then dysphoria hit me like a ton of bricks last fall and I reached my tipping point.  I hate this.

She's trying, and she's processing, and I'm still hopeful we can forge a relationship that works for both of us.  But I hate what I'm doing to her.
Amy

Offline Danielle M

  • *
  • Posts: 47
  • Reputation: +1/-0
I don't pass well enough, I am to old, my voice is still too male.

Tags: