New here and 1st forum ever, so sorry if I'm messing this up too.
Not going to go on my usual tangents (tangent likely forthcoming).
After spending a few months, looking for anyone to tell me being transgender was just a phase (no one will, because it isn't), finding a therapist to help, and coming out to those I was sure would support me (low risk), I came out to my wife. That broke my heart.
So, didn't picture everything being perfect (I'm a pessimist, after all), I ignorantly hoped things wouldn't change our marriage too much. It changed the moment I was honest, and I understand, now, it really couldn't be any other way. I wasn't truthful, so the fact she didn't leave with our 2 year old is a sign of her character.
So, what is tearing me up, after finally being able to admit to myself (& now my wife) why I've been so unhappy and hated myself for so long (I wasn't a good person), is my wife. I know, who knew with that subject line.
I'm beating myself up trying to not hurt her, while not leaving myself unhappy and miserable. I don't think it is possible. My wife means more to me than anything - she was the 1st person to love ME. That made me love myself, just a little, because there had to be something worthwhile. No one had ever done that in my 50 years.
If I was to decide to not transition, it would be to not hurt her (& fears about my son forgetting me, but that's a topic for another day). I can't continue my depression and anger, but I don't want to lose the person who loved ME. So is that just it? Those things can't be mutual? Our relationship is already changed, due to my coming out, but I want that look from our wedding day back. Can I get that back? Or is this just the ultimate "you can't have your cake and eat it too"?
If it wasn't for the fact staying buried would have led to us finally divorcing, I likely would have "buckled down & be a man", like I trained myself all these years (no, I wasn't that good of a trainer, but a man couldn't really ask for help, could he). It feels like everything I need to be happy, I'm stealing from my wife. I know I should be, and need to be happy, but does it have to come completely at my wife's expense?
I have my 1st therapy session (ever) today, so if I'm not in tears for the whole session, of course I'll bring this up, but is this it? I damage the only thing that meant everything to me, and even if we repair (and please let us repair it), the damage is done?
I worry this is just another one of my many, recent, rhetorical questions I know the answer to...and the pain I've brought her breaks my heart. She means so much to me, and I've repaid her with grief and lost.
@ProudFather Welcome aboard ProudFather! 🙋♀️
Congrats on today’s appointment!… a bold step is being made by a bold traveler! You have landed in a wonderful place here with a wealth of experience and viewpoints upon which to draw... many of us here came, like you, to this point around the half century mark... perhaps that is around the limit that one can hide in ones life without bursting...😅 ...
let’s start with good news... all challenges can be met and an amazing and unexpected life, that reflects the truth of who you are can be built...
Moving towards truth in one’s life is the correct direction of travel... living a lie can be maintained but, at what price?… In the end, it serves no one... not ourselves... or those we Love... It is a waste of life’s glorious nature and possibilities... Our purpose here in life is not to hide, it is to make real and loving connections... True connection to life and to others cannot be made without truth and without taking chances...
Many of us move into the process of transition hoping that our deepest relationships will not be altered in any way... the truth is that transition touches every aspect of our life to some degree... the way we relate to others and the world... the way they relate to us...
Announcing to those we know, that we are going to transition... can be a bit like telling everyone that we are going to climb Mt Everest... because our life will not truly mean anything to us unless we do... some people in our life will not understand why and will view us as crazy... some will want to go with us with all their heart but may find along the climb that their true path lies elsewhere... Some will go the distance and make it to the top with you and you will know each other better than you ever dreamed... truly connected... you will also meet new faces along the way who only know the true you... the brave climber... these new faces offer new opportunities to love and be loved by another... I can’t tell you where in all that, your wife and you will find yourself... I can tell you that I hear in your words... someone who wants to do the loving thing... sometimes what is truly the loving thing... takes a lot of contemplation...
You will find, when you reach the top... that this mountain was really just a stepping stone to all the amazing things that lay beyond in the distance... have a good climb sister!
Here are a few general thoughts I have offered in the past in the Before/After thread that relate to the precipice you find yourself at! (the link to the entire post is at the bottom of my signature line)
And now... A few unsolicited thoughts for those of you who have found yourself here, considering life's possibilities... and are starting to realize that your life... will never truly be YOUR life... until a few changes are made...
Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armored shell you have worn for a lifetime to serve the expectations of others and to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face....
Embrace the things that express your inner truth... Show the world and those you Love ...Finally... Who you truly are... Embrace the liberation found in jumping off a cliff in your life even though you don’t completely know what lies below... There is a quote I like by Martin Luther King...
“Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.”
It is never too late.... CHOOSE to see how you will make your life an expression of who you truly are... not the reasons you cannot... A journey of a thousand steps is taken one at a time...Don’t get lost in the details... Keep moving forward!!!... In the end, your life will be what you make it... So,... Make it glorious!... make it what you want... make it what you need.... Make it a life well lived... Leave regrets behind you where they belong... All shall be well 🌻
LIVE LIFE... LOVE LIFE...
And... for good measure...A snippet of Walt Whitman’s “Song Of The Open Road“ for one of life’s bold travelers at the beginning of a bold journey.... It is about finding ourself... our place amongst others and our place in the world... along life’s journey 😀👍
From this hour I ordain myself loos’d of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.
I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.
All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.
Onward we go brave traveler... all good things to you and your wife...
Ashley 🙋♀️💕🌻
