Author Topic: Plea for help to understand myself  (Read 1434 times)

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Offline Peeptoe

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Plea for help to understand myself
« on: April 17, 2021, 05:24:34 pm »
Hello everyone,
There is probably a million similar stories like mine, so I'll just give you a exec summary: started to wear mom's clothes and shoes around 7-8?, always playing with girls and never into sports. From 13 onwards at boarding school, boys and girls separately and in a lot on playful contract with my mates. Was never excessively popular among girls, though i fell in love many times. Have very female-like body shape, wide hips and rather narrow shoulders. Did irregularly wear women's clothes until my 30s, currently 39.

Last 10 years i feel pressure to just exist as a woman. Not just wear clothes, and make up at home.. but going shopping and enjoying time off. Just today i came back from a project and while at hotel, 90% of time was dressed up as woman while working (thankfully no video calls). When I do, i feel peace at heart and like what i see in the mirror.

Now the rub, I'm married with two little kids, that i adore above everything. At home I'm pretty much the housewife, though I'm the high earner, somehow i manage. I have the feeling that everyone around me looks up to me how great i am, but inside I'm just wishing to be someone else. No one knows of my struggles, my wife loves me but it's inattentive and wouldn't even notice if i had an affair. After these couple of days i decided to open up, and tell her about my struggles. I have the feeling that many of my decisions in last 10 years were made up artificially by me, just to avoid dealing with myself.

Of course, I'm scared to lose everything, but I'm on edge of emotional burn out and about to drag my family 800 km to the other side of the country. I don't even know if I'm "just" a CD or already having a form of dysphoria. How have you, people, dealt with this?

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2021, 06:23:14 pm »
@Peeptoe
Dear Peeptoe
    Please know that I am not trying to hijack your post and your questions and concerns but first I wish to Officially Welcome YOU to Susan's Place.
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first posting. 

As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you wrote about.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2021, 06:25:13 pm »
@Peeptoe
Dear Peeptoe:

If you feel so inclined please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and your readers your thread back so you can get some answers from other members.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Lady Grey

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2021, 06:33:31 pm »
How have you, people, dealt with this?

One day at a time.  That's the only way I know how.  Having a wife and kids definitely complicates things. Can't advise you there. But give it time.  You'll figure it out. 
post op

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2021, 06:47:36 pm »
Hi Peeptoe,

Everyone is different but if you would actually prefer to be a woman, that is way beyond cross dressing.
Most CDs only want to wear women't clothing.

Gender and sexuality are also separate.  Sexuality is who you are attracted to.

Like you, I have a very feminine figure.  A petite XS hourglass.

I also go way beyond cross dressing.  I have feminine mannerisms and pass as female on the phone.

It may help to talk with a professional to understand yourself better. 
Though I had an unusually understanding wife and had these discussions with her. 

Marion

Offline RandiL

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2021, 08:36:58 pm »
Hi Peeptoe,

I second Marion's suggestion to seek a therapist. If you have no starting point check the Psychology Today listing on their website. A high percentage of therapists list themselves there. You can select by competencies including gender issues. Plan to see several before you settle into someone with whom you feel a good fit.

I advocate for bringing your wife into the conversation sooner rather than later. The longer you wait the less she will trust you when you finally do.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Sophiaprincess2019

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2021, 08:44:24 pm »
Dear Peeptoe,

I'd first start with an experienced gender Therapist who can help you sort out the way you feel and the way you want to express yourself. Wearing women's clothes and socially/medically transitioning are two completely different things centered around a common theme: women's outward appearance and being a man or a woman physically.

The best thing you ever did was post your concerns on this forum. Here we talk openly about a variety of trans-related and gender related issues and offer our best insight.

I know I'm a minority with my views regarding transition, but I stick by my beliefs: Don't transition unless your life depends on it. No one, in their right mind, would EVER choose to do this. There are literally hundreds of variables to think about. Yes, you may lose X family member, friends, jobs, houses, social standing but you could also gain an entire lifetime in the process.

Personally I had 2 "choices" to make back in 2018. Transition or I'd not be here to tell you about my journey, period, end of story. I can't tell you WHY specifically, I just know what my path was either life or literal death.

Transition is very serious business. Many of my friends and family have mourned my previous likeness's death or passing, including me. I had to witness my own passing to live. No 2 journeys are the same or even have the same events, only similarities.

If your life doesn't depend on transition, I'd look for ANY other way to deal with your situation besides going down this very difficult road. Remember, transition IS an option, but never a choice.

Hope you find happiness in whatever direction you pursue my friend,

Sophia
1968 Assigned male at birth with feminine mannerisms
1978 Dolls and dresses
1988 Experimental stage, limited makeup and clothes
1998 Denial continues, unsuccessfully tried living as a man
12-8-2018 time for a change....
2-21-2019 Started HRT
2-21-2020 One year HRT
2-21-2021 Two years HRT

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2021, 09:40:21 pm »
So far I have not seen a need for HRT or surgery.

But, I've come to realize that my social awkwardness was the result of being in the uncanny valley between male and female.  Now that I've transitioned to a female presentation that awkwardness is gone!
Even if they know or realize that I'm a guy because of say, the name on the Covid-19 prescription, it isn't really awkward because my presentation "looks good."

Many of the things I've done, like growing out my hair, has taken years. 

Marion

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2021, 06:27:37 am »
Thanks to everyone for your kind words.
Yes, there are a few things that have to happen: i need to open myself to my wife, and find a professional help. I'm at a crossroads where I'm questioning every major decision that drove me here. I always considered myself an unhappy type, never settled for little, always striving for perfection and attributed that to my personality. Now it feels like i was just putting everything and everyone else before myself just not to think about my issues.

Thank you for your support so far.

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2021, 06:56:06 am »
Sophie, please reread what Sophie wrote and work those words like cud. Then, when those words are ground down, bite into them again. She's warning you of the possible perils of transitioning. To be frank, "likely perils" is more apt than "probable perils."

As far as clothing, I'm the rare bird here who doesn't give half a hoot about togs. For example, right now, I'm wearing a paint-splattered, waffle-weave long underwear top and paint splattered, torn sweats, which is pretty much what I wear everyday. I transitioned 35 years ago and like many young women, I played with color and fabric then, but now my clothing is as tattered and splattered as me.

What matters to me is being received as female and that doesn't hinge on clothing for me, so you could take a whit and whittle it down to a bitsy bit of a whit and that's how much I care about clothes.

However, if it's life or death for you and you choose life, do enjoy clothing for a stretch of years, but if you turn your attention away from the clothing racks, you'll find it's a big, beautiful world out there, in my case full of friendships with women, where you can have, as Daddy Jack Kerouac wrote, "...real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious," as well as gardening and traveling and walking and whatever else tickles your fancy.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2021, 11:53:55 am by Oldandcreaky »

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2021, 07:39:38 am »
Understood.. I'm not thinking of transitioning at the moment, not even hormonal therapy. I'm just trying to figure out the ongoing mess inside of me.

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2021, 04:48:28 am »
i mustered enough courage in last 3 days, to first speak with my sister and today my wife. my sister was always a support to me, and i was always envious of her "reckless disregard" towards others in pursuit of her happiness. she wants me to be finally content for once in life and will support me in whatever needs to happen.

my biggest worry was with my wife, partner of almost 16 years. she was shocked, though she was questioning some hints over the years. she thought i might be gay. of course she does not want to lose me, and is afraid of what might come, but it seems that she would be happier to have me as a woman, than not having me at all.

i'm going to call someone who specializes in sexuality and trans issues, as i don't know what next.. though i feel relieved already, and even my tinnitus has decreased.

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #12 on: April 20, 2021, 03:43:49 pm »
Peeptoe, you have a very similar life story to me! I am now 67, and maybe we share parts of your future. I told my first wife before we got married and had kids, but 7 years later, she couldn’t cope and left us, so I raised my kids on my own. I dressed when I could, but not in front of my 2 children. I had a close female friend, and I told her I was trans before we married 21 years ago. She eventually agreed to let me be Allie all the time I was at home to help with my dysphoria, and as I was the wife in our relationship.

This worked beautifully until my dysphoria got worse in my 60’s, and I had to transition for my health. She stuck with me for 2 years and GCS, but it got too much for her and she divorced me. But, by being honest with her, we were able to enjoy over 20 years of bliss. There are a number of different ways to manage dysphoria without transitioning, keeping yourself very busy, performing women’s tasks, having female friends, finding time to dress as yourself, wearing your hair longer, and a host of other things. As you age, your testosterone will likely fall, and your dysphoria will increase, and there might be a point where you need to transition, but it doesn’t have to be now!

In the years I managed my dysphoria, I was also subtly preparing those close to me for my eventual transition, and I have support from all of them except my wife.I wish I could have transitioned earlier, but I did have a wonderful life, and so can you!

Hugs,

Allie

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2021, 07:30:15 am »
Peeptoe, you have a very similar life story to me! I am now 67, and maybe we share parts of your future. I told my first wife before we got married and had kids, but 7 years later, she couldn’t cope and left us, so I raised my kids on my own. I dressed when I could, but not in front of my 2 children. I had a close female friend, and I told her I was trans before we married 21 years ago. She eventually agreed to let me be Allie all the time I was at home to help with my dysphoria, and as I was the wife in our relationship.

This worked beautifully until my dysphoria got worse in my 60’s, and I had to transition for my health. She stuck with me for 2 years and GCS, but it got too much for her and she divorced me. But, by being honest with her, we were able to enjoy over 20 years of bliss. There are a number of different ways to manage dysphoria without transitioning, keeping yourself very busy, performing women’s tasks, having female friends, finding time to dress as yourself, wearing your hair longer, and a host of other things. As you age, your testosterone will likely fall, and your dysphoria will increase, and there might be a point where you need to transition, but it doesn’t have to be now!

In the years I managed my dysphoria, I was also subtly preparing those close to me for my eventual transition, and I have support from all of them except my wife.I wish I could have transitioned earlier, but I did have a wonderful life, and so can you!

Hugs,

Allie
thank you for your story, Allie! I'm glad you can look back and despite the last marriage ended in divorce say it was a bliss.

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #14 on: April 21, 2021, 07:43:37 am »
yesterday evening i sat with my wife and i have a feeling that we finally spoke openly after many many years. we got caught in the middle of family life and our relationship has degraded a lot. since birth of our first child we no longer sleep together, firstly because i had a very demanding jobs with a lot of traveling involved, and after the second child was born i had to stay in the room with our older daughter. the emotional bond that was so necessary for me to actually perform was slowly deteriorating. Yesterday she openly admitted, that for years she did have sex with me only because she believed that i needed it and her parts are no longer giving her any pleasures. What a mess.. the positive is, that she loves me and though has no idea what time will bring, we want to stay together. Then we laughed that we will grow old as two fat lesbians. I really had good time with her again.

Her only concerns were that i will run away with some man, and leave her on her own with kids. I love her and our kids way too much, to ever leave them behind. My only concern was, if she would be able to walk next to me and hold my hand dressed as a woman. I tried to call a couple of psychologists in the area, but was rejected due to full schedules. We're anyway leaving the city, to move to the other side of the country, so i'll try to find someone to talk to there.

Offline heathercd20

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #15 on: April 21, 2021, 03:24:05 pm »
PeepToe,

I am 61 years old and have been a crossdresser most of my life. It started when I was around 12, typical story of wearing Mom's clothes, etc. I did not have any brothers, only 2 older sisters. I have always felt a little "off" although I dated girls and had relationships. But I always questioned this side of my life. I got married early at 23 right out of college and had 2 daughters. I told my wife during our first year of marriage. She was not pleased but she got used to it.
I would dress often as it was easier when the kids were babies. I had to cool it when they got to be teenagers.

They are grown now and swore off crossdressing for 8 years before relocating to another state. However, this last October, my feelings came back strong. And I mean real strong. i shaved my legs in October, painted my toe nails, and am never going back to hairy legs. I did a lot of research online about gender dysphoria and spoke with an online therapist. I determined that I have a level of gender dyshphoria. When I look at myself in the mirror, I want a vagina, breast, hips etc. I shaved most of my body hair. I determined with the therapist that I am transgender. There are multiple levels of transgender.

I know that I will probably not be able to transition. But during Covid I have been working from home and my wife is accepting of her "girlfriend." She is very sick with MS and spends a lot of time in bed. I dress up and wait on her. I feel so at peace when I am dressed and love my image in the mirror when I am dressed. I feel like I am a woman and explore my femininity to the utmost. I wish I could come out to the world but that just aint gonna happen.

I long for a "girl day" soon when I can check into a hotel and be woman for a day and go shopping etc.

Take care honey and know that you are not alone on this journey,

Heather

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #16 on: April 22, 2021, 12:25:02 am »
However, this last October, my feelings came back strong. And I mean real strong. i shaved my legs in October, painted my toe nails, and am never going back to hairy legs. I did a lot of research online about gender dysphoria and spoke with an online therapist. I determined that I have a level of gender dyshphoria. When I look at myself in the mirror, I want a vagina, breast, hips etc. I shaved most of my body hair. I determined with the therapist that I am transgender. There are multiple levels of transgender.

I know that I will probably not be able to transition. But during Covid I have been working from home and my wife is accepting of her "girlfriend." She is very sick with MS and spends a lot of time in bed. I dress up and wait on her. I feel so at peace when I am dressed and love my image in the mirror when I am dressed. I feel like I am a woman and explore my femininity to the utmost. I wish I could come out to the world but that just aint gonna happen.

I long for a "girl day" soon when I can check into a hotel and be woman for a day and go shopping etc.

Take care honey and know that you are not alone on this journey,

Heather
thank you writing me, Heather. Swearing off dressing up never lasted with me for more than couple of weeks, i would start drinking alcohol every evening, not excessively, but still daily. I would catch myself thinking of alcohol right in the morning, but tried to keep myself composed. Strangely enough, since i decided to open myself, i have no more alcohol nor sugar cravings.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's health, having sick children or partner is emotionally draining. i'm wishing you and your wife all the best.

Offline Rachel

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2021, 08:44:49 pm »
Hello Peeptoe,

I have had two therapists. 1 for a year and the other for 8 years. I had in addition to my main therapist three additional crisis therapist at one point in transition. Now I talk over the phone to the main therapist every 2 weeks. I also have phone consults with my primary care practitioner for medications and testing. So you can find some help over the phone if that helps.

I do talk therapy and we set some goals and I am on medication for anxiety, depression and ideation. During transition I was on some more potent medications. A variety of medications may need to be tried before an ideal one is found.

I had a lot of procedures to blend in. Passing 100% may never happen and I am ok with that. I think reasonable expectations can help. I know in time if you transition you most likely will come to a point where, trying to be, gives way to living your life.

I do know people perspective over time changes. When I first started to transition my ex had tolerance and we had agreements. Then it became all or nothing. I do know when I came to terms with my own feelings of shame then going back was not an option. I am who I am.


With an experienced gender therapist you can explore to what degree you need to express and transition. Only you can decide if you are trans and if trans to what degree you want to do things.

I transitioned because I was at the end. Now I have a different life and a new beginning. I went to Florida with my daughter three weeks ago and I am going to lunch with my ex tomorrow.

I know for me expressing was really difficult. I really hated it. Then I tolerated it and now I like it. It was not the clothing it was how I thought others saw me in public. I always wore female clothing to some degree or another since I was young. But wearing 100% female clothing all the time was so difficult for me. I took a lot of negative feedback when younger about my clothing and jewelry choices. I much prefer shopping in a thrift store than a department store. I like some clothing at Target and stores of that style. I buy clothing on line a lot for work as I need tall clothing and large shoes. I buy clothing from NY&C too.

I really am not a dress person. I like to be casual and wear fitted clothing.

Rachel
MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
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Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #18 on: April 25, 2021, 02:40:39 am »
Hello Peeptoe,

I have had two therapists. 1 for a year and the other for 8 years. I had in addition to my main therapist three additional crisis therapist at one point in transition. Now I talk over the phone to the main therapist every 2 weeks. I also have phone consults with my primary care practitioner for medications and testing. So you can find some help over the phone if that helps.
hi Rachel,
thanks for writing me, i planning to call up some people in Hamburg in upcoming days and will try to find someone who actually speaks english. i'm not sure if i'd be able to express myself clearly in german, as it is my 4th language and i don't want to just flatten the problem to a some core issues. also, i think at least for the start, that i need to do it privately in four eyes. i'm not sure that my partner would like to hear some of the things i might have to say.

Offline Peeptoe

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Re: Plea for help to understand myself
« Reply #19 on: April 25, 2021, 02:45:36 am »

I do know people perspective over time changes. When I first started to transition my ex had tolerance and we had agreements. Then it became all or nothing. I do know when I came to terms with my own feelings of shame then going back was not an option. I am who I am.


With an experienced gender therapist you can explore to what degree you need to express and transition. Only you can decide if you are trans and if trans to what degree you want to do things.

I transitioned because I was at the end. Now I have a different life and a new beginning.
i see it similarly, and it is scaring me. at the moment, all seems dandy and some of the pressure is off. though, will it be ok when i let my hair grow long? will it be ok, if she sees me in make up? etc.. i don't want to think about it, as worrying is as effective as trying to solve an equation by chewing a bubble gum. the shame and guilt never sleeps.

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