Community Conversation > Transgender talk

do you encounter dysphoria cycles?

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Peeptoe:
hi ho everyone,
last two months i have had the most excruciating dysphoria cycle, that in the end forced me to admit firstly to myself that i need help, and secondly i came out to my wife that to my surprise is very supportive. if i look back i think with ramp up and ramp down was about 2 months of time. at this time i would be laying awake at night, during work time and with my kids constantly occupied by thoughts of needing to do something about myself. i started shaving daily,to twice per day, purchased a bunch of clothes, shoes and make up supplies. in this period my only wish was to wake up as a woman and i see and feel myself.

this cycle somewhat ended last week, and the pressure of having my parts cut got somewhat subdued to a point that i could exist as non-op, as long as i get rid of my beard and body hair. i could finally do something at work, and even starting to enjoy playing music that i just needed to force myself into. 

i have had similar cycles before, but never in this intensity. usually they would last a couple of days, and then they would pass, only to come back 2-3-4 months later.

has anyone experienced something similar?

Julie H:
I usually get spikes of dysphoria and some times really bad spikes if I've been triggered enough. My last spike I got suicidal, right now I am more sleepy than anything.

Gertrude:
Yes

Peeptoe:
Julie, Gertrude, what are your triggers? I'm sort of clueless about it when it comes to me, because last 5 years  my sleep cycle is gone (kids were born) and last 2 years I'm in constant stress due to work. Before that i never really paid attention and tried to ignore all signs and swipe them under the carpet.

Gertrude:
I wrote something and it didn't post. Long story short, yes it cycles, there probably are triggers, stresses. My guess is it's related to suppression of true self and as time goes on, one becomes less adept at being fake/not be true self. Some can go through life and suppress it and be successful while others struggle along and never self-actualize in the sense of being all you can be. It comes down to accepting not being true and in a sense destroying true self or accepting who you are. In either case there are consequences. Those are the only two choices. My therapist, who deals with this kind of stuff says I am the only person he's ever seen that remained as stuck so long while in therapy. Stuck meaning not moving in a clear direction.

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