Community Conversation > Transgender talk

do you encounter dysphoria cycles?

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LucyK:
Hello Peeptoe,

Very much so for me. About 5 years ago, life stresses were at their max and something just burst inside me. I went through a couple of years of very intense thoughts/dysphoria whatever label you want to attach to it. It very much ebbed and flowed in intensity, like you sort of 2 month cycles. Sometimes the seasons would affect me too. It made me very snappy and frustrated. I ended up on low level antidepressants to see if that was the issue. It didn't really work, although it gave me some breathing space to start to confront and accept who I might actually be. I did some therapy but COVID landed and everything went back into the box in my head.

I came off the anti-ds and can manage fairly ok with things. I've slowly started opening up to my wife, but am starting to get to the point where the things I want to do, I know she isn't overly comfortable with. Although, I have to point out she has been amazingly supportive. We're now going to start therapy back up. I'm just trying to muster the energy to bring it all back out of the box. Sometimes I think maybe I can just sit on it, other times I think sod it, take some steps and see how it feels. I just don't know where it will stop and how that will balance with my wife and family.

Happy to chat if you need me, not that I'm a pro! :)

Maria2018:
Very much so! Although by the sounds of it, my cycles seem to be much longer than what everyone else has said.

For me, it seems to be around 12-15 months of no/mild dysphoria, where I know this part of me exists, but beyond that, that's about as deep as it goes. Then I'll have 2-4 months where everything floods back with a vengeance. That's where I'm at right now. But if you were to go back two months, I had basically no dysphoria, no desire/need to wear anything other than male clothes.

Analysing it all, I don't think I cycle between male and female like (I think, if I understand correctly) some bi-gender people do, I think I just get mysteriously better at repressing for long stretches of time.

Maria

Rachel Montgomery:

--- Quote from: Gertrude on May 18, 2021, 04:03:19 pm ---My therapist, who deals with this kind of stuff says I am the only person he's ever seen that remained as stuck so long while in therapy. Stuck meaning not moving in a clear direction.

--- End quote ---
Hold my beer.  Where is this therapist?

I have felt like I was between a rock and a hard place for more than 50 years, and been to more therapists than I can recall.  I still haven't moved in any clear direction; not that I can see anyway.  The only movement at all was admitting to myself that I am "transgender" (aka a transsexual).  I have resigned myself to an understanding that this is what I am, and I will never change that fact.  I can't wish it away, pray it away, shame it away or hate it away.  All that managed to do was make me feel ashamed and hate myself.

So, what I mean by "movement" is I didn't necessarily identify with the label, but I have always been aware of the symptoms.  I misunderstood the meaning of the word, and thought that a "transsexual" wasn't what you call someone just like me that DOESN'T transition.  A transsexual would be someone just like me who did, and I haven't. So, the progress is that I understand now that isn't the actual meaning of the word; it means someone just like me regardless of whether they ever transition.  And, it isn't going away, ever.

Anyway, I don't think I am any closer to transitioning, and I don't know of any progress I have made in being ok with "not" transitioning.  I remind myself that this is the decision I have made for reasons I understand, but at the same time if things get unbearable (and yes, like you my dysphoria rises and falls like a tide (though not twice a day).  So many others have experienced that, where it bearable up to a point and then no longer bearable.  I promised my wife that if I cannot keep living as a male any longer, I will transition.  At present, I plan to resist the temptation.


--- Quote ---Stealers Wheel "Stuck in the Middle"

Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you
And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you

Trying to make some sense of it all
But I can see it makes no sense at all
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?
Well, I don't think I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you[\quote]

--- End quote ---

Rachel Montgomery:

--- Quote from: Maria2018 on May 19, 2021, 02:11:26 pm ---Very much so! Although by the sounds of it, my cycles seem to be much longer than what everyone else has said.
...
For me, it seems to be around 12-15 months of no/mild dysphoria, where I know this part of me exists, but beyond that, that's about as deep as it goes. Then I'll have 2-4 months where everything floods back with a vengeance.
Maria

--- End quote ---

My rise and fall is slower also.  I went a year and a half with relatively little dysphoria.  Yes, I wanted to be a woman even then, but it didn't distract me or make me unhappy.  Then for 6 months, it was pretty intense.  I wasn't sure it would ever fall back down, but it did.  The danger, what scares me, is that I will get suckered into thinking that it will go away, and I will get too dysphoric before I admit that I have to do something.  Then, I would likely burn all of my bridges, and my life would become chaos.

SarahEL:
I think a lot of us go through 'purge' cycles.. I know I did.. you buy a few bits and pieces.. a few clothes, shoes etc.. and then the guilt or something gets to you.. and you get rid of it all, avowing never to do it again.. and then a few weeks/months later.. it is back to buying stuff...
I seriously regret getting rid of some of the early stuff I bought.. now!...

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