I am beginning to write this offline as I want to be sure to cover all the bases. I am in my late 60’s I self-identify as a Lesbian TS. I have never wanted to be with a man, so people might say well that is great you are a man, and you can be with any woman that wants to be with you. They do not understand I want to be a girl also in the relationship. But I have had the desire or the wish to be a girl since I saw my next-door neighbor in her Easter outfit at the age of 6. That was the first time I remember thinking why I could not be a girl. Back then I didn’t realize then I had the optional plumbing and could not be a pretty little girl. Prior to reaching puberty there were no sexual content to this desire. After reaching puberty I wanted to be intimate constantly with the girl du jour and it may have been the testosterone but I also I saw the girl I was with as what I want to be and lived vicariously through her.
The time was the 70’s and I did not become aware of the term <not allowed> until I was in my mid 20’s. I had heard about Christine Jorgensen and thought why could I not be like her? She was the only one and there was so little in the news. But back then it was taboo to even talk about. The next event changed my life forever. I had never cross-dressed to that moment but that was all to change. My then wife and I had a bungalow and upstairs in our master bedroom we had this large closet. I used to get dressed in the closet (yes in the closet 😊) in the dark (turning a light on would shine in her eyes making for the start of a bad day). All my stuff was well organized, and I knew where everything was. So, this one morning I got dressed and hmmm I really liked the way this pair of “underwear” felt. It was not till I used the rest room later that I realized my wife had mixed in a pair of her black silk panties with my black nylon underwear. From that time, I was hooked. I had my own secret stash of panties. I traveled for my job so I looked forward to trips as a time where I could be Bobbi well at least in the hotel room. It was an evening of ritual, a bubble bath, body powder, perfume, dinner a little TV in just my big girl panties and a blissful night sleeping as Bobbi. Very quickly I added night gowns to my stash as well. Please remember this was the era before personal computers and I Pad’s heck cell phones were in a bag and you paid by the minute. When the “T”’s started to appear on TV talk shows I began to realize hey there are more than just me that have these strange feelings and just because I want to be a girl, does not make me a pervert. Unless you consider wanting to be a girl and wanting to have relations with a girl perverted. While sex was part of this dream sequence it was more the soft tenderness of soft warm kisses and gentle touching and holding not raw and raunchy sex.
After marriage #1 broke up I met and fell in love with another and while #1 never knew or if she did it was not because I told her. I told #2 early on. I joined a Gender Dysphoric Group it was made up of a cross section of Crossdressers TV’s and TS’s. The TSs did not hang around long once they got their girly parts they were gone, but hey who could blame them they were off living their lives in their new gender. I did the full drag/crossdressing thing That marriage failed too, but it was not due to my issues but hers and sorry to say she took her own life.
Enter #3 a wonderful lady who has stuck with me through thick and thin. She has delt with this extraordinarily well considering. We have been together twice as long, as number one and two put together. I cannot say she is a fan, but we love each other deeply and I believe that is the glue that has made marriage last.
Here are some important details. Transitioning for me is out of the question it is not even a possibility. I could never pass. When dressed in public it is not fun to looked at and laughed at as a freak in a carnival side show. Not unless I lived in the land of the Amazons wherever that may be. Now if I was 5’7”and 135 I might have stood a chance. That is a bitter pill to have to swallow but that is life and a birth defect I have to live with. Sometimes reality sucks! Sometimes reality walks up and slaps the <not allowed> out of you.
With that realization in mind, I must make of my life what I can, within the parameters I am limited by. I have had a bilateral Orchiectomy a number of years ago. Because of taking Estrogen injections my breasts are developed and are very feminine in appearance but because of my size I hide them well. Speaking of size, at almost 6 and a half feet and 300 pounds I could be a lineman in the NFL. When I had the Orchiectomy the drop in testosterone made it easier to ignore the draw to things girly (go figure). Oh, but it was always on my mind. However, I was having so much muscle pain I went back on low doses of injectable testosterone now I am back to where Bobbi is kicking and screaming trying to get out. I never had the sexual connection between the crossdressing / TS and the need to masturbate as some do, for me it has been just about being En Fem. I have not slept in a night gown or wore a bra or panties in 10+ years. I have certainly thought about it but was able to deal with it. I am now at a crossroads! If I stop taking the testosterone the muscle pain will return If I go back on Estrogen, I will face the side effects of that. I am not sure which way to turn. Soon I will discuss all this with my endocrinologist. Please do not misunderstand my post I am not looking for sympathy and I have come to grips with my condition. I will get this figured out. But actually, I am leaving this here for the next gal in my circumstances so she can learn it’s ok to want to be a girl even if you can not or will not transition. I have some details to work out. My plan is to work a couple more years then under it all 😊 it will be all Bobbi all the time.
Signed Dazed and confused,
Bob/Bobbi
