Author Topic: lack of physical intimacy with partner  (Read 996 times)

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Offline OzChick

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lack of physical intimacy with partner
« on: May 25, 2021, 05:55:50 pm »
Hello everyone,

I have been with the same cis woman for 22 years and we love each other deeply. Actually, I think our love for one another has deepened since my transition about 10 years ago. We have 3 daughters and everything is just fine with life, work and my family. I can't imagine being with anyone else. Actually I don't want to be with anyone else. There's only one problem. Despite caressing and hugging frequently, since I transitioned we have not made love and I worry that we've just become best friends not lovers. Love making was difficult because of my dysphoria before I transitioned so there's no blame in this but I just thought things might have healed; especially over 10 years. Recently I find myself listening to lesbian romance audio books with feelings of intense longing as the characters express their passion/love for one another physically and I've realised that I really miss being sexual. Also, I frequently have nightmares about her holding hands with a man. At first I thought they were dreams of her leaving me but now I think the man's hand she is holding is mine pre-transition.

I'm going to have bottom surgery in about the next year or so. My partner says she's attracted sexually to me and I believe her but... why don't we make love? Its been 10 years. We chat about it if I raise the subject but only if I raise the subject. I wonder if there's something she's not telling me. We're both about 50 years old. Is this what happens to cis couples at our age? I suppose I'm looking for anyone who has had a similar situation. Did it get better? Did it get better after surgery? What did you do to resolve/cope?

This is the first time I have shared this with anyone other than my psychiatrist who is good for me. He says that it won't change. I feel so sad about this. Maybe I just need to accept how things are.....

regards

OzChick

Offline Angelaney

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2021, 11:49:58 am »
Such a difficult subject, I tend to side Emily Nagoski's "sleeping hedgehog" theory.

Little resentments that built up over time and SOME people just can't let go of them, it can be really silly things too, like putting a piece of cutlery in the wrong draw.
I'm sure there are things she brings up which you said or did many years ago, maybe you made a joke, but she didn't remember it that way, and she just can't let it go.

Work on finding out what the problems are and find a way for her to let go.

I have to edit this to mention unrealistic expectations, TV, the media, harlequin romances, all put strange ideas into peoples heads about what to expect in a relationship, which again leads to resentments.

Offline RandiL

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2021, 12:48:57 pm »
I'll just say that cis couples in their 50s and 60s don't necessarily give up sex. My wife and I enjoyed a good sex life, with orgasms, although without intercourse due to aging problems with her vagina. Frequency declined over time to being every few weeks but it was mutual.

But once I announced I needed to start HRT that ended. She says she's not attracted to women and I take her at face value. So we are getting divorced so she can move on.

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Offline Ejo

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2021, 07:07:12 pm »
OzChick:  Your future will depend on how important having sex is to you and your partner, as well as your morals and how important a monogamous relationship is to you both (or not).  The further you transition with hormones and surgery,  the less likely you will have interest in sex. Just telling you the facts, as I experienced/ lived them.  I'm lucky to have found my soul mate after I transitioned and divorced, after having been married for 26+ years, but my partner and I are the "exception". 
"The secret of contentment is knowing how to enjoy what you have, and to be able to lose all desire for things beyond your reach.”

Offline Angelaney

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2021, 02:40:17 am »
OzChick:  Your future will depend on how important having sex is to you and your partner, as well as your morals and how important a monogamous relationship is to you both (or not).  The further you transition with hormones and surgery,  the less likely you will have interest in sex. Just telling you the facts, as I experienced/ lived them.  I'm lucky to have found my soul mate after I transitioned and divorced, after having been married for 26+ years, but my partner and I are the "exception".

Lack of sexual intimacy from someone who says they love you, cuts deeper than a knife, usually because it's not just the sex that stops, but any form of deeply intimate contact too (because of what it might lead to).

I involuntarily inflicted this on my GF, which I why we decided she should start dating.
4 years on we are 3, she only has penetrative sex with our BF now, but we have a lot more real intimacy now than we ever did.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2021, 02:18:02 pm by Angelaney »

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2021, 04:26:47 pm »
Ozchick, I went through this with my wife in her early 50’s. It turned out that she was starting menopause, and her libido was falling. It was fortunate as I was unable to function about then anyway! Since then we have both started HRT, and realised our basic relationship has always been as friends.

Hugs,

Allie

Offline OzChick

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2021, 09:00:01 pm »
Thanks everyone,

This is such a deeply personal topic and I thought a long time before posting it. I don't have anyone to talk to about this so I really appreciate your comments. We both want a monogamous relationship so if it came to having someone else in the relationship I think I wouldn't be able to stay. If she suggested it I wouldn't say no but I would regard it as the official end. 

She says that she's sexually attacted to me.... We cuddle and kiss but that's the extent of our physical intimacy. It does hurt that the love of my life doesn't touch me that way. I think you're right Angelaney that my partner is holding onto little things that happened over 10 years ago and just can't let go. She says as much if I initiate a conversation about our love life. It makes me insecure although she does nothing to warrant that.

She doesn't want to marry me either which really hurts. At first she said she didn't want to marry anyone which, I think, was supposed to spare my feelings but then she changed her position and said she didn't want a big ceremony, it would cost etc etc. She never brings it up. She would marry me if I really pushed it but who wants that?

Writing all this down it doesn't look good does it? I think she does love me but if we didn't have 3 kids I think she would have left me long ago. I just love her so much.

OzChick
« Last Edit: May 27, 2021, 10:10:35 pm by OzChick »

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2021, 11:54:58 pm »
Maybe she loves you, but isn’t sexually attracted to women?  And, is only sexually attracted to the man she once saw you as?

Or, maybe she is bisexual, but has internalized homophobia, and doesn’t find it safe to have sex as two women, even though she is sexually attracted to you?

Or, maybe she isn’t sexually attracted to you, but does love you as her best friend?  And, can’t get into sex with you, but can’t hurt you by explaining this?

There are a lot of other possibilities, but I don’t know you or her, so I am grasping at straws that I have pondered in my own relationship with my wife.  It has been years since we had sex.  She does take Spiro (yes, she is a cos-woman) which probably reduces her sex drive.  She had endometriosis, and then a hysterectomy, so she didn’t have sex for a while claiming pain from endometriosis, and then concern over too soon after surgery.  But, now she just isn’t interested. 

We have had a LOT less sex since early in the relationship when things were particularly passionate.  Things slowed even before I came out to her.  Part of OUR problem is that I find it awkward and difficult to to even try to initiate sex, and I get my feelings hurt when I am rejected.  So, two reasons to quietly suffer from lack of intimacy.  Early in our relay, she tended to initiate sex.  When she cut back, I didn’t press the issue.  It just dwindled.  I guess I am somewhat unadventurous and I prefer to be on bottom, and so does she.  That coupled with everything else, and it just hasn’t been happening.
« Last Edit: May 28, 2021, 01:47:09 am by Rachel Montgomery »

Offline OzChick

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #8 on: May 28, 2021, 12:47:36 am »
Hi Rachel,

Thanks for that. I appreciate you sharing what is a very personal story. I'm sorry to hear of your troubles but its comforting that others and in the same predicament but are still making it work. I think you might be right about her being sexually attracted to the man I once was. I feel that, if she wasn't attracted sexually to me, she would just tell me. Your history with your wife seems similar to us. I also find it awkward to initiate sex. Maybe, after 10 years of a difficult time realising I am a woman and then 10 years of HRT we've just forgotten how to? I'm not even sure how to except with a vibrator  :( Angelaney suggested (indirectly) a sex therapy book "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. I've suggested to my partner that we get that and try to work through it (it comes with a workbook). Perhaps that will help. I've never been so connected to another human being in my life and I know she feels the same. I really want this to work and am prepared to work at it.

regards

OzChick

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #9 on: May 28, 2021, 01:43:32 am »
It sounds like you are committed to the relationship, and so is she.  As long as that is true, there is hope that you can work through it.  Best wishes.

Offline OzChick

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2021, 01:46:32 am »
Thanks Rachel xxoo

Offline Pammie

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2021, 01:21:41 pm »
Hello everyone,

I have been with the same cis woman for 22 years and we love each other deeply. Actually, I think our love for one another has deepened since my transition about 10 years ago. We have 3 daughters and everything is just fine with life, work and my family. I can't imagine being with anyone else. Actually I don't want to be with anyone else. There's only one problem. Despite caressing and hugging frequently, since I transitioned we have not made love and I worry that we've just become best friends not lovers. Love making was difficult because of my dysphoria before I transitioned so there's no blame in this but I just thought things might have healed; especially over 10 years. Recently I find myself listening to lesbian romance audio books with feelings of intense longing as the characters express their passion/love for one another physically and I've realised that I really miss being sexual. Also, I frequently have nightmares about her holding hands with a man. At first I thought they were dreams of her leaving me but now I think the man's hand she is holding is mine pre-transition.

I'm going to have bottom surgery in about the next year or so. My partner says she's attracted sexually to me and I believe her but... why don't we make love? Its been 10 years. We chat about it if I raise the subject but only if I raise the subject. I wonder if there's something she's not telling me. We're both about 50 years old. Is this what happens to cis couples at our age? I suppose I'm looking for anyone who has had a similar situation. Did it get better? Did it get better after surgery? What did you do to resolve/cope?

This is the first time I have shared this with anyone other than my psychiatrist who is good for me. He says that it won't change. I feel so sad about this. Maybe I just need to accept how things are.....

regards

OzChick
I have to confess to being intrigued about roles. How would making love work now (pre op)? If you are anything like me it definitely wouldn’t involve “it”.


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Offline OzChick

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #12 on: May 30, 2021, 05:39:30 pm »
Hi Pammie,

That’s one of the problems I think. I hope it gets better post op

OzChick

Offline Amy Chislett

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #13 on: June 06, 2021, 02:33:27 pm »
I am 56 and have only dated a cos woman for 9 weeks. Not to male you uncomfortable but is the glass half full?
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Offline Pammie

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #14 on: June 06, 2021, 03:18:28 pm »
Hi Pammie,

That’s one of the problems I think. I hope it gets better post op

OzChick
Im not lesbian so I genuinely don’t know how roles are defined in lesbian relationships - even more so when a male-female relationship transitions to a lesbian one. I guess it is something you have deeply discussed together? X


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Offline OzChick

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #15 on: June 08, 2021, 08:20:58 pm »
Hi Pammie,

Sorry its taken me so long to get back to you. No, we haven't really. I think that's something that we're going to have to find out over time. :-)

regards

OzChick

Offline AllieSF

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #16 on: June 10, 2021, 02:40:09 pm »
Hi Oz,

I think that the first thing you need to do is have one or more serious and very direct, honest and open conversation with her. No one can guess why another person acts the way they do.  A direct on topic talk is needed to answer all your questions and your statements of needs, sexual and otherwise so that each of you has a clear, not so-so understanding of the others position, thought, issues and reasons why and reasons why not on everything.

A lot of us, and maybe even most of us, have had longer and extremely long and strong relationships with our partners, wives of otherwise, and many of those have never really had all the necessary talks, discussions, questions and answer moments to truly understand the why's, what's, etc. of each other.  The golden key to all this to to practice good conversational skills, maybe with a trained counselor or therapist.  Good communication takes learning and practice.

Don't guess .... ask and then listen .. and then ask for clarification if needed!

I wish you the best of luck!

Allie

PS:  My only marriage failed because of the lack of communication skills on both sides.  30 years later we are the best of friends with improved communications skills on both sides.  we still argue, we still love each other, we still are separated because we could never live together as I see it right now.  I speak from my own experience.
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Offline OzChick

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Re: lack of physical intimacy with partner
« Reply #17 on: June 10, 2021, 07:32:56 pm »
Hi AllieSF

That's good advice. We do talk but I think we need to talk more. Thank you.

regards

OzChick

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