Topic: I am a little stuck (May contain triggers)

[MyStarz]

I seem to be a little stuck. I could say I don’t know what I am going to do, but I think I do know. It’s just getting myself to start it back up. A little wiser this time.

In August of 2018 I started HRT. And at about 2 years I just quit. I don’t know why. But I can tell you what happened. I had ankle replacement surgery and it went rather well. I went from not being able to walk to not having any pain in my ankle at all. But after surgery it was like a light switch. I wanted nothing to do with transitioning, hormones, women’s clothing and everything InBetween.

My thinking at the time is because of complications with the pain blocker, I woke up after surgery in the most pain I have ever been in my life that I can remember. And I thought the amount of pain I was in changed me. I don’t know why is coming back, but it is and it seems like I don’t want to transition anymore. But I want the HRT back.

Body wise last time nothing really changed. I think that is because I gained weight. I did get some breast growth but I thought that was mostly fat. Apparently it’s not. Now that I am about 50 lbs lighter, my breast are not going down they are defining. They used to look like man <not allowed> next to all the fat. But now it’s a big wow to me. Now in a t-shirt I have the perky things saying hi to the world. Does not really bother me. And as a matter of fact I am worried about losing size as I head toward another 50 lb loss. I love my breasts and that part for some reason my wife accepts.

Last time no amount of HRT would cure my erections 100%. I was on full dose. Blockers. E and P. Honestly anytime I wanted it would still work. And I think I hurt it by tucking.

Last time I was not 100% on board to completely transition and this time I am way far away from wanting to. I know it can change down the road. I mean I was still weighing the option of complete transition last time.

So the plan. Get back in touch with the doctor and tell my wife I was wrong. It did not stay away like I thought it was going to. Hopefully all I will need is a blood test and an appointment. I have to get this going again. The stress is killing me.

So right now the only plan I have is to restart and buy some sport bras. Present male and dress at home occasionally.

Ya I’m stuck. Stressing myself to death. Re reading all this I sound a little nuts to me. I know my wife can see my breasts and a couple of days ago I said I was a freak and she told me I am not. Just so stressful. Feel like a fool for stopping. Even more for telling my wife it’s never coming back. I don’t know what I was I thinking. I got this. It will be fine.

Thanks for listening to my ramble. Just had to get it out. I am back here for a second round of support.

Starz

[Maid Marion]

It may help to find someone who you can talk to in person.

Which reminds me that I've sometimes had conversations in which guys would discuss very personal issues about life and family.  And I was able to discuss all sorts of stuff with my wife.  Interestingly enough, while she saw a therapist, she didn't think I needed one.

Marion

[Meghan]

Just like Marion's said you need another person to talk with and help with your decision what to do forward

Sent from my SM-T727V using Tapatalk

[Northern Star Girl]

I seem to be a little stuck. I could say I don’t know what I am going to do, but I think I do know. It’s just getting myself to start it back up. A little wiser this time.

In August of 2018 I started HRT. And at about 2 years I just quit. I don’t know why. But I can tell you what happened. I had ankle replacement surgery and it went rather well. I went from not being able to walk to not having any pain in my ankle at all. But after surgery it was like a light switch. I wanted nothing to do with transitioning, hormones, women’s clothing and everything InBetween.

My thinking at the time is because of complications with the pain blocker, I woke up after surgery in the most pain I have ever been in my life that I can remember. And I thought the amount of pain I was in changed me. I don’t know why is coming back, but it is and it seems like I don’t want to transition anymore. But I want the HRT back.

Body wise last time nothing really changed. I think that is because I gained weight. I did get some breast growth but I thought that was mostly fat. Apparently it’s not. Now that I am about 50 lbs lighter, my breast are not going down they are defining. They used to look like man <not allowed> next to all the fat. But now it’s a big wow to me. Now in a t-shirt I have the perky things saying hi to the world. Does not really bother me. And as a matter of fact I am worried about losing size as I head toward another 50 lb loss. I love my breasts and that part for some reason my wife accepts.

Last time no amount of HRT would cure my erections 100%. I was on full dose. Blockers. E and P. Honestly anytime I wanted it would still work. And I think I hurt it by tucking.

Last time I was not 100% on board to completely transition and this time I am way far away from wanting to. I know it can change down the road. I mean I was still weighing the option of complete transition last time.

So the plan. Get back in touch with the doctor and tell my wife I was wrong. It did not stay away like I thought it was going to. Hopefully all I will need is a blood test and an appointment. I have to get this going again. The stress is killing me.

So right now the only plan I have is to restart and buy some sport bras. Present male and dress at home occasionally.

Ya I’m stuck. Stressing myself to death. Re reading all this I sound a little nuts to me. I know my wife can see my breasts and a couple of days ago I said I was a freak and she told me I am not. Just so stressful. Feel like a fool for stopping. Even more for telling my wife it’s never coming back. I don’t know what I was I thinking. I got this. It will be fine.

Thanks for listening to my ramble. Just had to get it out. I am back here for a second round of support.

Starz

@MyStarz
Dear Starz
    Please know that I am not trying to hijack your post but first I wish to Officially Welcome YOU to Susan's Place.
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first several postings. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say.
 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

@MyStarz
Dear Starz :

OH, and another thing....
If you feel so inclined please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and other readers the thread back so that the conversation can continue

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[Rachel Montgomery]

Maybe this isn’t everyone’s experience, but I know some others have shared it with me:

My dysphoria ebbs and flows.  It rises and falls.  It doesn’t so much come and go (for me it never goes) but it does become very tolerable, and not distracting me for some time.  So, I can imagine it seeming to go completely away.  I know a transwoman who claims she prayed to God to make her dysphoria go away, and it did for 20 years, before it came back more insistent than every.  She has fully transitioned now. 

[Lady Sarah]

As I can assure you ( and a great many others can ) if you are suffering from dysphoria, trying to smother it will only cause it to come back with greater pain later. You may have experienced some of this. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide whether or not to take action, and get therapy and / or HRT. Nobody here can make up your mind for you. Talk it over with your wife first. She ought to know you pretty well enough to offer fair and balanced advice... more than we can, because she knows you better than we do.

[Rachel Montgomery]

I don’t know what “smother it” means in this context, but I haven’t transitioned yet, and still hope not to.  It would have serious consequences for me.  So, I need to try hard to find another way.

[Angelaney]

Maybe this isn’t everyone’s experience, but I know some others have shared it with me:

My dysphoria ebbs and flows.  It rises and falls.  It doesn’t so much come and go (for me it never goes) but it does become very tolerable, and not distracting me for some time.  So, I can imagine it seeming to go completely away.  I know a transwoman who claims she prayed to God to make her dysphoria go away, and it did for 20 years, before it came back more insistent than every.  She has fully transitioned now.

I always found that things can distract me from it (work or personal projects), sometimes to a point where I forget it, but if I filled my life with such distractions I would just  burn out and maybe even send myself into another breakdown.

[Rachel Montgomery]

Yes, you can "put it into a box" to contain it for a while, but eventually suppressing it becomes like holding an inflated ball under the water.  At some point, it is coming to the surface anyway, regardless of how much you fight it.

[iskra]

Yes, you can "put it into a box" to contain it for a while, but eventually suppressing it becomes like holding an inflated ball under the water.  At some point, it is coming to the surface anyway, regardless of how much you fight it.

I like the analogy.