Author Topic: Hello  (Read 152 times)

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Offline PascualH

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« on: June 11, 2021, 08:50:16 pm »
Hi, i am writing from a latin country so excuse me for any english mistakes.
I am 34 years old, married three years ago and lately it has been a rollercoaster my life, emotions. I have been having suicidal ideas and coping with severe depression

Telling about myself, since I was like 12 I started to feel very intrigued and aroused by wearing women clothes. Pantyhose, skirts, shoes, underwear, etc i staryed to tried them on sniking in my moms closet. It was sexual thing, put them on, look at the mirror, dance, masturbate,. I kept doing it and i didnt told anyone until like when i was 22 when i told my therapist. I felt aliviated and started to accept it but always kept a sense of wrong, weird, a severe internal police that judged me anytime i felt the desire of dress up or when i did. Didnt matter how good i felt, how complete and free and sexy and secure, the internal judgment appeared blocking it. I lived and went in a few relationships with some women until i met my partner with whom i married 3 years ago. This desires didnt appeared so much, they still did but i never give them too much space and i thought well i am not doing nothing wrong, i like it and i feel well. But it always kept a bitter taste for exploring more. O always masturbated pretending i am a woman, i remembered when i was a kid i wanted to have a vagina and hide my penis and look at the mirror, i loved it.

But lately, i have been felling so much intense feelings. I bought lots of cloth, underwear, pantyhose, dresses, i wnat to shave my legs soooo much, i want to be a woman in bed sexually. I wear underwear beneath my cloth and I love it, i love to feel the space between my legs and the softness.

I told my wife and she didnt like it at all. I dont blame her, it has been a super shock that i dont know what will happen. My marriage is in an abism really. I feel the worst person in the world, i know i am damaging her, she cries a lot so am i. We try to talk and i have been open and honest and telling her everything.

I dont want to leave this part of me hiddden anymore, i would love to shave entirely, dress up everyday, accept being more femenine, being a girl really. I have always been doubtful of the masculine roles and didnt like it so much,eventhough i was in a school of only boys and my family we are all male brothers. I have friends and have dated woman but sexually i feel much more satisfied when i dress as a woman and pretend to be alone and play anal. I always thought that what i did was normal (dress up as a woman) everybody did it, of course my brothers do it i thought and tried to convience myself of that. Wrong indeed, this is a part of me as a person.

I feel like the worst person in the world. Because i really could function socially, i like going out, sports, music, surfing, girls, some drug exploration any now and then, i work. I do fall in very severe depressions. I always have been very insecure. When i acceoted a job i always thougt then is this really what i want to do, why dont i go and study music wchich is something i am really good at by the way, when i travel is this the place that i want to be, super insecure and always with doubts.

I dont know, everything has started to be so confusing. I link the depressions with the fact that i supress this femenine feelings trying to fit in a socially easily acceptable role. That is exhausting.
I do love my wife and we are trying to communicate, and she says that you have to tell me if you want omto expose socially or not because i can tolerate it if you do it to yourself or explore with me but not if you shave your legs or go out with woman underwear.
I cant control it, i dont know how it can be expressed, and what form it will take but i dont want to hide it anymore. Since i have been talking with her, my therapist and my psychatrist (i told you severe depression) this has become more real, has taken a space that i like. I bought a couple of days some clothing to put on and I loooove it. Sometimes i think on transition and Sometimes i am ok.

Well i could say thousand more words but i really need support advice from great people worldwide. Is this only sexual, it is an addiction? This means that until now i have not been myself. I am feeling it not only sexually but something that i have to do, i want to do it much more. I am figuring out this is a structural thing, is part of me and by accepting it is better. The thing is that this acceptation defines my marriage, and that scares the hell out of me.


Enviado desde mi DUB-LX3 mediante Tapatalk

Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2021, 09:01:16 pm »
Dear PascualH:
Welcome to our little corner on the internet.....
Please know that I am not trying to sidetrack and ignore your concerns and comments but first...........
    No doubt that you have seen other brand new members here get Official Welcome messages when they make their first posting.... now it is your turn!!!

    You need to be Officially Welcomed and given important rules and information about the Susan's Place Forums.
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first posting. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you wrote about.
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   
Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.

    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
Things that you should read
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2021, 10:15:41 pm »
Hello, Pascual. Thank you for writing. Your English is great!

"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

Introductory Post:,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog:,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019