Author Topic: I'm feeling lost  (Read 819 times)

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Offline noitsbecky

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I'm feeling lost
« on: June 17, 2021, 11:24:49 pm »
I'm 35 I started transition at 23 ish.  I pass for the most part my voice is holding me back.  I developed a feminine  voice but still can't bring myself to use it.  I wish I was more feminine.   My job in Healthcare this last 2 years has been rough I got fired from one for absenteeism cause panic attacks and migraines.  Its the first time I ever got let go.  I found another job 2 days later but I have put undo stress on my wife.  Now I have lost all confidence in myself so much so that I just want to sleep all the time.  GCS is so far out of my reach with money and weightloss I'm just losing all hope and I quit wanting;but I still need it. Idk I'm crying all the time I am seeing a shrink who helps a bit.  My wife is stressed and I worry that all this will be to much and she will leave me after 11 years of marriage (she married me post starting transition) and I still think I'm not worth it.  I'm not suicidal  so no worries I just feel hopeless I don't have anyone else to talk to.  I just idk

Thank you for reading
Lilly

Offline Devlyn

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Re: I'm feeling lost
« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2021, 01:52:20 am »
Big hug.  :)

I'm not a doctor, but I suggest that you see yours and  tell them what you just told us.

Hugs, Devlyn
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Offline Nadine Spirit

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Re: I'm feeling lost
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2021, 08:01:11 am »
I pass for the most part my voice is holding me back.  I developed a feminine  voice but still can't bring myself to use it.   

I did lots of voice therapy, developed a good voice, and couldn't bring myself to use it either.  However, I have tried to address that issue through working on my fears and anxieties with my therapist and a life coach/vocal coach.  As well I have pushed myself to use my best feminine voice as much as I could.  For me it was and is, fear of sounding fake.  The more that I use it and nothing bad happens, the more my confidence rises.  Every single time it helps.  I am still not to the point where I don't think about it, but it's getting better.  Most importantly how I hear and thus see myself is also shifting dramatically.  I often say that changing my voice was at least 1/3 of my total transition.  As in, shifting my brain is one, shifting my body is another, and shifting my voice is the 3rd. 

Offline Rakel

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Re: I'm feeling lost
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2021, 06:00:53 am »
... GCS is so far out of my reach with money and weight loss I'm just losing all hope and I quit wanting; but I still need it...

Lilly,

We have a number of us here who are 100+ pound losers. I am one of them. It was not easy. I lost my weight by recognizing that I was eating to relieve stress and not because I was hungry. Then I adopted a diet of primarily vegetables and limited proportions. I lost about 5 pounds a month and it took me about 2 years to get to a weight where a surgeon would do my GCS.

We have a Weight Loss sub forum and you can find many helpful stories there.

Best wishes and take care.  :-*




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Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline Maid Marion

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Re: I'm feeling lost
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2021, 08:14:55 am »
Hi Lilly,

It may  help to take smaller steps toward being feminine.

Maybe  you could start by using the female voice in the home, if your wife approves.
Or, if that is too hard, talking more about your issues with your wife may help.
If that is too hard it may be better to get the assistance of a therapist.

I bought a red skort and just wore it around the house last summer.
This summer I've been wearing it out in the  yard.

Marion

Offline noitsbecky

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Re: I'm feeling lost
« Reply #5 on: June 24, 2021, 10:52:03 pm »
Thank you for all the replies.  I would love to join the 100 pound loss club it would be a dream.  I love the way the 1/3 of your transition was the voice I will be adopting that strategy thank you all

Lil

Offline Sephirah

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Re: I'm feeling lost
« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2021, 03:36:51 pm »
I'm 35 I started transition at 23 ish.  I pass for the most part my voice is holding me back.  I developed a feminine  voice but still can't bring myself to use it.  I wish I was more feminine.   My job in Healthcare this last 2 years has been rough I got fired from one for absenteeism cause panic attacks and migraines.  Its the first time I ever got let go.  I found another job 2 days later but I have put undo stress on my wife.  Now I have lost all confidence in myself so much so that I just want to sleep all the time.  GCS is so far out of my reach with money and weightloss I'm just losing all hope and I quit wanting;but I still need it. Idk I'm crying all the time I am seeing a shrink who helps a bit.  My wife is stressed and I worry that all this will be to much and she will leave me after 11 years of marriage (she married me post starting transition) and I still think I'm not worth it.  I'm not suicidal  so no worries I just feel hopeless I don't have anyone else to talk to.  I just idk

Thank you for reading
Lilly

Sorry for the late reply to this.

Lilly, I don't think the underlying issue is your transition. From what you've said above, I think you're dealing with very low self esteem, maybe with depression, too, and it's making your transition harder. Everything is compounding each other.

Devlyn is right, you need to go to your GP and talk to them about this. These are things you can get past, sweetie. Low self esteem is very common, especially among trans folks. But it's also something you can work on. Feeling you're not worth it, and like nothing you do will ever be good enough... they're two sure fire signs of it, okay?

There is always hope, sweetie. It's just hard to know where to look sometimes. Go to your doctor and talk to them about CBT. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I think it might help you.

*hugs* Hang in there, okay? You can do this.

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