Over the past year or so I have changed a lot in the way I feel about myself and accepting who and what I am. I was never ashamed of being transgender, but I felt I had to work to hide it. I thought I accepted myself, but I now realize I didn't accept myself as much as I thought. Lately, if at all possible, it is Anna that is out taking care of things. I saw my new nurse practitioner last week fully dressed and unconcerned (my old practitioner is doing hospice...don't want to see her now!). She seemed ok with my apperance for which I am grateful. She wants to see me for conversation in September after I mentioned how I do not smoke when I am Anna. I'll see her sooner if my heart stress test is an issue. And yes. I see the relation between smoking and heart test. Lol.
So, what happened that made me realize I am now far more accepting of myself than I was? As has been the case lately, I was running errands, presenting totally as Anna. At one of my stops, I dropped a receipt and didn't realize it. When I got to the door, a little girl, around 7 or so, stops me and says "Ma'am, you dropped your paper and I think you will need it later. My Mom is always making sure she has her papers (dramatic eye roll) when she leaves so I figured all Moms want their paper.". I thanked her and told her "yes, I will need it!". As she walked back to her mom, I heard her say "I knew she would want her paper. Aaaalllll Moms always want their paper. ". I giggled a little to myself at the certainty expressed by the girl and her newfound understanding of the world.
When I got home and was putting the groceries away, I came across the receipt and smiled again for the little girl. That was when I realized there was no mental response from me at the time about being called ma'am and grouped in with the moms. Up until today, being ma'amed would have made me smile. And to be grouped with Moms would have sent me to cloud 9.
When I thought about my day, I realized at some point early in the morning, I went from me the crossdresser to Anna the woman. I know I don't pass, but I also know 7 year olds are brutally honest, even if they are raised to be polite. I am guessing that the "vibes" i gave off from me knowing myself to be a woman swung the little girls decision about if I was a man or woman. Or, maybe she is being raised to be sensitive to the way others present themselves or she knows somebody in her life that created this sensitivity. This would give me some hope that society in a few years will be at least a little kinder.
Now, as evening settled in and I settle back into my male role, I realize how nice it was to be the woman I am, even for a little while. I wasn't concerned about being outed because I couldn't be outed since I was a woman. If anybody laughed or pointed me out, I was totally unaware because I am a woman and couldn't be outed. Up until today, I was excited/relieved that I wasn't embarrassed at any given point. Today I am pleased that it never was a concern. I may not ever transition, but today I think I truly accepted the woman I am, as well as the man I am. I feel like I have had several ah-ha moments lately. I wonder if there will be more. Or rather what will I learn about myself next, since I'm sure there will be more.
