Author Topic: Changes in my view of myself  (Read 557 times)

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Offline Anastasia

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Changes in my view of myself
« on: July 08, 2021, 08:23:53 pm »
Over the past year or so I have changed a lot in the way I feel about myself and accepting who and what I am. I was never ashamed of being transgender,  but I felt I had to work to hide it. I thought I accepted myself, but I now realize I didn't accept myself as much as I thought. Lately, if at all possible, it is Anna that is out taking care of things. I saw my new nurse practitioner last week fully dressed and unconcerned (my old practitioner is doing hospice...don't want to see her now!). She seemed ok with my apperance for which I am grateful. She wants to see me for conversation in September after I mentioned how I do not smoke when I am Anna. I'll see her sooner if my heart stress test is an issue. And yes. I see the relation between smoking and heart test. Lol.

So, what happened that made me realize I am now far more accepting of myself than I was? As has been the case lately, I was running errands, presenting totally as Anna. At one of my stops, I dropped a receipt and didn't realize it. When I got to the door, a little girl, around 7 or so, stops me and says "Ma'am, you dropped your paper and I think you will need it later. My Mom is always making sure she has her papers (dramatic eye roll) when she leaves so I figured all Moms want their paper.". I thanked her and told her "yes, I will need it!".  As she walked back to her mom, I heard her say "I knew she would want her paper. Aaaalllll Moms always want their paper. ". I giggled a little to myself at the certainty expressed by the girl and her newfound understanding of the world.

When I got home and was putting the groceries away, I came across the receipt and smiled again for the little girl. That was when I realized there was no mental response from me at the time about being called ma'am and grouped in with the moms. Up until today, being ma'amed would have made me smile. And to be grouped with Moms would have sent me to cloud 9.

When I thought about my day, I realized at some point early in the morning, I went from me the crossdresser to Anna the woman. I know I don't pass, but I also know 7 year olds are brutally honest, even if they are raised to be polite. I am guessing that the "vibes" i gave off from me knowing myself to be a woman swung the little girls decision about if I was a man or woman. Or, maybe she is being raised to be sensitive to the way others present themselves or she knows somebody in her life that created this sensitivity. This would give me some hope that society in a few years will be at least a little kinder.

Now, as evening settled in and I settle back into my male role, I realize how nice it was to be the woman I am, even for a little while. I wasn't concerned about being outed because I couldn't be outed since I was a woman. If anybody laughed or pointed me out, I was totally unaware because I am a woman and couldn't be outed. Up until today, I was excited/relieved that I wasn't embarrassed at any given point. Today I am pleased that it never was a concern. I may not ever transition, but today I think I truly accepted the woman I am, as well as the man I am. I feel like I have had several ah-ha moments lately. I wonder if there will be more. Or rather what will I learn about myself next, since I'm sure there will be more.

Offline Pammie

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Re: Changes in my view of myself
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2021, 11:01:07 am »
Over the past year or so I have changed a lot in the way I feel about myself and accepting who and what I am. I was never ashamed of being transgender,  but I felt I had to work to hide it. I thought I accepted myself, but I now realize I didn't accept myself as much as I thought. Lately, if at all possible, it is Anna that is out taking care of things. I saw my new nurse practitioner last week fully dressed and unconcerned (my old practitioner is doing hospice...don't want to see her now!). She seemed ok with my apperance for which I am grateful. She wants to see me for conversation in September after I mentioned how I do not smoke when I am Anna. I'll see her sooner if my heart stress test is an issue. And yes. I see the relation between smoking and heart test. Lol.

So, what happened that made me realize I am now far more accepting of myself than I was? As has been the case lately, I was running errands, presenting totally as Anna. At one of my stops, I dropped a receipt and didn't realize it. When I got to the door, a little girl, around 7 or so, stops me and says "Ma'am, you dropped your paper and I think you will need it later. My Mom is always making sure she has her papers (dramatic eye roll) when she leaves so I figured all Moms want their paper.". I thanked her and told her "yes, I will need it!".  As she walked back to her mom, I heard her say "I knew she would want her paper. Aaaalllll Moms always want their paper. ". I giggled a little to myself at the certainty expressed by the girl and her newfound understanding of the world.

When I got home and was putting the groceries away, I came across the receipt and smiled again for the little girl. That was when I realized there was no mental response from me at the time about being called ma'am and grouped in with the moms. Up until today, being ma'amed would have made me smile. And to be grouped with Moms would have sent me to cloud 9.

When I thought about my day, I realized at some point early in the morning, I went from me the crossdresser to Anna the woman. I know I don't pass, but I also know 7 year olds are brutally honest, even if they are raised to be polite. I am guessing that the "vibes" i gave off from me knowing myself to be a woman swung the little girls decision about if I was a man or woman. Or, maybe she is being raised to be sensitive to the way others present themselves or she knows somebody in her life that created this sensitivity. This would give me some hope that society in a few years will be at least a little kinder.

Now, as evening settled in and I settle back into my male role, I realize how nice it was to be the woman I am, even for a little while. I wasn't concerned about being outed because I couldn't be outed since I was a woman. If anybody laughed or pointed me out, I was totally unaware because I am a woman and couldn't be outed. Up until today, I was excited/relieved that I wasn't embarrassed at any given point. Today I am pleased that it never was a concern. I may not ever transition, but today I think I truly accepted the woman I am, as well as the man I am. I feel like I have had several ah-ha moments lately. I wonder if there will be more. Or rather what will I learn about myself next, since I'm sure there will be more.
You know what, your post was so wonderfully heartwarming and has brought a smile to my face! Im so pleased for you hun!


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Offline Rakel

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Re: Changes in my view of myself
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2021, 07:05:40 am »
Over the past year or so I have changed a lot in the way I feel about myself and accepting who and what I am. ... but today I think I truly accepted the woman I am, as well as the man I am. I feel like I have had several ah-ha moments lately. I wonder if there will be more. Or rather what will I learn about myself next, since I'm sure there will be more.

Congratulations, accepting yourself is a big step and you are now on the road to the rest of your life.

There will be many more ah-ha moments and they will be coming more often. Soon enough, they will happen so often, this will be your new normal. This may lead to Anna becoming your primary self identity and transition is something that needs to be seriously considered.

This happened to me, but in a different way. I always say that accepting yourself is the most important thing to do in transition.

Take care.  :-*






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Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Changes in my view of myself
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2021, 08:09:06 am »
Hi Anastasia,

Congratulations!  Accepting yourself is a really big step!

I had an opportunity to see what it was like presenting as a women at  work in close contact social situations this past week.  It went great! In the past it would be awkward because I was a women trying to pass as a guy and that just didn't work.

Marion

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Changes in my view of myself
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2021, 09:10:38 am »
Over the past year or so I have changed a lot in the way I feel about myself and accepting who and what I am. I was never ashamed of being transgender,  but I felt I had to work to hide it. I thought I accepted myself, but I now realize I didn't accept myself as much as I thought. Lately, if at all possible, it is Anna that is out taking care of things. I saw my new nurse practitioner last week fully dressed and unconcerned (my old practitioner is doing hospice...don't want to see her now!). She seemed ok with my apperance for which I am grateful. She wants to see me for conversation in September after I mentioned how I do not smoke when I am Anna. I'll see her sooner if my heart stress test is an issue. And yes. I see the relation between smoking and heart test. Lol.

So, what happened that made me realize I am now far more accepting of myself than I was? As has been the case lately, I was running errands, presenting totally as Anna. At one of my stops, I dropped a receipt and didn't realize it. When I got to the door, a little girl, around 7 or so, stops me and says "Ma'am, you dropped your paper and I think you will need it later. My Mom is always making sure she has her papers (dramatic eye roll) when she leaves so I figured all Moms want their paper.". I thanked her and told her "yes, I will need it!".  As she walked back to her mom, I heard her say "I knew she would want her paper. Aaaalllll Moms always want their paper. ". I giggled a little to myself at the certainty expressed by the girl and her newfound understanding of the world.

When I got home and was putting the groceries away, I came across the receipt and smiled again for the little girl. That was when I realized there was no mental response from me at the time about being called ma'am and grouped in with the moms. Up until today, being ma'amed would have made me smile. And to be grouped with Moms would have sent me to cloud 9.

When I thought about my day, I realized at some point early in the morning, I went from me the crossdresser to Anna the woman. I know I don't pass, but I also know 7 year olds are brutally honest, even if they are raised to be polite. I am guessing that the "vibes" i gave off from me knowing myself to be a woman swung the little girls decision about if I was a man or woman. Or, maybe she is being raised to be sensitive to the way others present themselves or she knows somebody in her life that created this sensitivity. This would give me some hope that society in a few years will be at least a little kinder.

Now, as evening settled in and I settle back into my male role, I realize how nice it was to be the woman I am, even for a little while. I wasn't concerned about being outed because I couldn't be outed since I was a woman. If anybody laughed or pointed me out, I was totally unaware because I am a woman and couldn't be outed. Up until today, I was excited/relieved that I wasn't embarrassed at any given point. Today I am pleased that it never was a concern. I may not ever transition, but today I think I truly accepted the woman I am, as well as the man I am. I feel like I have had several ah-ha moments lately. I wonder if there will be more. Or rather what will I learn about myself next, since I'm sure there will be more.


Anastasia,

Thank you for sharing.  I can certainly appreciate what you said.  It is sooooo good to be self-accepting.
I wish you a growing and continued drive for living out your true self.  These experiences are heartwarming and reassuring.

Hugs,

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

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