Community Conversation > Post operative life

I'm one month post srs and I have regrets.

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Angela H:
Hi, I had bottom surgery about a month ago and I kind of regret it. Actually maybe I regret it a lot right now.

I socially transitioned three years ago and I tried dating for a little while, but I felt like I couldn't get close to anyone physically because I was embarrassed about my penis. So I stopped dating. I decided that I needed to get bottom surgery before I could move forward with my life and starting dating for real. I thought that if I could just get the surgeries I wanted then everything would be better.

Bottom surgery wasn't my highest priority but since it's the only surgery that my insurance would cover and I didn't have enough money for anything else I contacted a surgeon and started the process. I took my time, I waited for a year because I wanted to do it in the summer so it wouldn't interfere with school. I got my letters and I was happy to wait.

This last year I've been passing much better, in part I think because of Covid (my voice is much more passable than my face so the masks help a lot). And over time I stopped feeling dysphoria about my penis. I think, I think the reason I used to "hate my penis" was because I saw it as something that made me not a real woman. Well, I know better now.

I have my surgery now and I don't feel anything. I don't feel more like I woman, I don't feel less like a woman, I feel the same. I don't experience less dysphoria because I already basically wasn't feeling any anyways.

And there's so many things I hate. I'm in constant low level pain, urinating is messy, my vagina is bloody and gross, I have to painfully dilate for hours every day. I spent over ten thousand dollars on this surgery, which is money that I could have put towards other things. Add in the lost work and the additional money I'll have to spend later and there's a few thousand more dollars. My body has taken a toll because I haven't been able to stick to my diet or exercise regimen.

My doctor has assured me that all these things will get better over time. But right now I don't know if I'll ever feel right again.

Rachel:
Angela, I am sorry you are feeling down. I know GCs is challenging and there is pain and dilation to deal with.

I had 3 operations and 2 procedures.  I cried when I saw my vagina. I could not see if for a week postop because I was closed up a week after GCS. My graph died about 40 percent or so. I had granular contraction and dilation caused me to tear from the pain. I think it was a three year ordeal.

My vagina looks awesome now. I get a lot of compliments from woman and men.  I have a huge amount of sensation and really enjoy my body and sex. I have a good amount of natural lubrication too.

I have a lot of partners and the guys all compliment my tight vagina and how good it feels to them.

I never thought I would have so much fun. It is completely surprising to me.

Yes, GCS sucks. Complications suck. Dilation sucks, I only have to dilate 30 minute a a day now and it is a routine.

I gained 40 pounds post GCS, that really was not good for my body image. I am thin now. I exercise and eat well.

I have a beautiful vagina and I use it. I love my body and I have fun.

 I hope you will find everything you desire and you feel better soon.

Rachel

Karen_A:

--- Quote from: Angela H on July 17, 2021, 08:32:19 pm ---I have my surgery now and I don't feel anything. I don't feel more like I woman, I don't feel less like a woman, I feel the same.

--- End quote ---
Surgery can't make one woman as that comes from the inside... it can only make it easier to have a more "normal" woman's life if that is what you want/need as well as feel somewhat  better about one's body if you are dysphoric about it.


--- Quote --- I don't experience less dysphoria because I already basically wasn't feeling any anyways.

--- End quote ---

I aways said that IMO no one should have surgery unless they really feel a strong need for it. It does take a lot out of one physically and is irreversable so it's not a step to be taken lightly.

My therapist also thought that one needed to be very sure... In fact she called me at the hotel the night before I went into teh hospital and asked me if I had any second thoughts or hesitation about it... She said if I did  it was OK to back out... I did not.

That said, post-op depression is not uncommon from what I have heard... and that may be where you are at right now, in the letdown/anti-climax period with teh physical discomfort being part of it. Give it time.


--- Quote ---And there's so many things I hate. I'm in constant low level pain, urinating is messy, my vagina is bloody and gross, I have to painfully dilate for hours every day.

--- End quote ---

Those things usually go away with time... And while dilation is important at first, eventually the frequency can go down a lot, and it stops being painful... and can even be "interesting" sometimes ;)


--- Quote --- My body has taken a toll because I haven't been able to stick to my diet or exercise regimen.

--- End quote ---
You can fix that... As for the money, time will tell if it was well spent...

Given how my life has gone, now that I am rapidly approaching retirement, I think about how much more money I could have had if I had invested it instead of spending it on FFS back in 1999!!!  The way my life has gone since, I don't know how much difference if would have made if I had not gotten it...

That said I don't regret it as having the best chance was important to me ... but I know I would be sleeping better now if I had more money in the bank!


--- Quote ---My doctor has assured me that all these things will get better over time.

--- End quote ---
As I said it usually does!


--- Quote ---But right now I don't know if I'll ever feel right again.

--- End quote ---

You should, just give it time... and in time you may find that you will be glad you had the surgery...

-Karen

Oldandcreaky:
Angela, I agree with much of what you wrote. I paid for every penny of my transformation and it was enormously expensive and an especially heavy burden because I never earned more than forty grand a year. Like Karen, I wish that money could have been saved for retirement.

I am concerned about your pain. I don't recall much pain after the first week and that pain was mostly due to my stupidity, as I played at a waterpark for an entire day about ten days after surgery. That hurt the next day.

I too bled for months following the surgery. I had a patch inside that simply wouldn't heal and sex led to bleeding. My gyno gave me a syringe with estrogen cream and that worked like magic.

As far as how you feel no or less womanly, I can't do anything other than nod. That wasn't my experience, but I accept that it's yours and feel badly that you're enduring the pain and cost and mess and aren't happy with the change. SRS completed me as much as is possible. I'd love a uterus and babies, but that's simply not attainable.

I don't dilate. I understand that this makes me outlier, but once or twice a year, I insert a dilator and my vagina is just fine. I have read that failing to dilate has resulted in closure of the canal for others.

Maid Marion:
Hi Angela,

Thanks for sharing your experience; hope it turns out for the best.

You never know how things will turn out.  Sometimes a detour in the road saves you from the trouble ahead.

I was in a hospital rehab ward for an entire month.  It set my transition in motion.
I learned to modulate my sentences which made my voice distinctly feminine!

Marion

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