Community Conversation > Coming out of the closet

Coming out early vs later...

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Hi everyone!

I'm new to the site (at least as a poster), and I'm starting to move forward with my transition.  I was in denial for many years, but came to the realization that I was truly transgender about 1.5 years ago.  Because this revelation has such a huge potential impact on my wife, I came forward with that information immediately.  I'm glad I did.  This time has given her an opportunity to figure out her own thoughts and feelings, and it has given us time to work things out in our relationship.  I'm not going to say that we're going to "make it", but I give us a much better chance today than I would have in the beginning.  I have also decided that I should let my Mom and sisters know (my Dad passed away earlier this year) prior to starting HRT.

Here's where the question is --

Is this just a good policy all around?  Should I go ahead and broadcast my intentions well before any physical changes are apparent?  On one hand, people are going to know eventually anyway... giving them more time may help them to see that I'm not "going anywhere" -- I'm just changing.  On the other hand, there is always a risk that I'll decide to change my mind after a few months on hormones!  What then?

What did YOU do?  Would you have done anything differently given what you know today?

I think I'm leaning toward starting HRT, giving it about 3-4 months, then letting everyone know my intentions.  I don't plan on going full-time until the effects start to cause "gender confusion" among people I don't know.  I think that will be the sign...  I'm guessing that is probably more than a year away.



--- Quote from: TXSara on July 19, 2021, 04:14:47 pm ---Is this just a good policy all around?

--- End quote ---

There is no real yes or no answer to this question, sweetie. There is no universal "This is the best thing to do". It wholly depends on you, your life, and your circumstances. What may be right for one person may not be right for someone else.

The best thing you can do is play it by ear, and go with what feels right with you based on how you view your life and the people in it. You know you and the people you interact with better than anyone here, or anyone else, really. How they are, how they will react, and what kind of a place you are at in your life. This is your call more than it is any sort of guideline of "How to transition". That is a bit like parenting. You don't get the rulebook until you don't need it anymore. You just go with your gut instinct.

It all depends on your situation and your feelings. It sounds like you’ve thought through this pretty well in deciding to do a gradual coming-out approach, so go with your plan. And don’t be afraid to change things up later on if your feelings or circumstances change.


I agree with the other replies to your questions.  I will add what works for one family member might not work for another.  You might tell some people before HRT, and some after you have started. 

Please let us know how it goes.


it's all about your family and friends dynamics

My wife knew first. She knew something was up and asked me so I told her my suspicions. I hadn't even decided for myself at that point yet.
My sister-in-law knew 2nd as she is my wife's younger sister and they are very close, it gave her someone to talk to.
My brother knew since he is married to my wife's sister  .. yes, you read that right. to improve the shock value My younger sister is married to my wife's older brother. We were the 1st couple though ;D
.. I digress ..
My children knew next, before any changes showed but after I started HRT
Next, emails went out to family and close friends. I chose email so they would have time to digest it. previous ones were in person.
As for work and other people, I came out when things became apparent and rumors started. Maybe not the best way but it worked out for me.


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