Blogs > Member Blogs

Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)

(1/48) > >>

JamieH:
Hello everyone!  Some of you probably have seen that I'm a new member here and coming to terms with a lifetime of repression and shame.  Finally letting my inner woman exist in my mind without trying to slam her back into the closet.
This thread is my basic intro to the group and you can catch up there on my first few days of activity here. 

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,257432.0.html or read the original post below (just cuz I feel like this thread needs some history rather than sending you away on a link.

Will be posting here to share my feelings as things progress (or don't) and shift to using the broader forums to ask questions.  Feel free to chime in if anything resonates with you!

~Jamie


My "origin story"

I don't exactly know where to start.  I'm having some kind of crisis mentally about all these feelings and feel like something has suddenly 'popped' or clicked, or in plain terms my denial shield is breaking apart.

As I mentioned in my intro I am 40, male at birth, married with kids.  My wife is loving, not at all transphobic, very liberal, very nurturing and loving.  I'm having the strongest feelings about this that I've ever had and I feel like I'm at a crossroads of coming out and being the woman I am, or burying it deep again and "surviving" the rest of my life with this secret.

I hate "wall of text" posts so I will try not to go on forever, but I deeply and sincerely appreciate any help I can get.

I've NEVER considered myself trans.  But trans feelings have been there since I was 5 years old.  Anytime trans feelings came up I'd bury them.  Alternatively, sometimes I'd mediate and fantasize and explore, but always felt guilty, ashamed, weird and would immediately re-bury this.  I am so good at being in denial about this, I often believe it's not an issue.  Then the feelings resurface and flatten me and I hide it so well I'm confident nobody has any idea.  I hide my depression over it and my anxiety but my unhappiness is not really that easy to hide.  My wife knows I'm not very happy but I hide it by making it about work or other "more reasonable" stresses.

My first clue to this was when I began kindergarten at a Catholic School.  Immediately I was envious of the girls uniforms.  Plaid jumpers with white blouses vs my blue slacks, white shirt and blue tie.  I actually got caught in kindergarten pretending to drop some blocks off the table so I could climb under and take an upskirt sneak peak.  I was too young for this to be a perv move.  I recognize the inherent creepiness of it, but at 5 it was innocent curiousity.  I wanted to know what know what kind of underwear the girls "got to wear".  When the note went home to my parents and they demanded to know what I was doing I successfully diverted it with a never ending strings of "I don't know".  All I knew was at that age I couldn't be honest about it.  So I hid.


Around the same age maybe it was over summer vacation none of the neighborhood boys were around.  My brother is 2 years older and we had 2 boys his age in the neighborhood.  We grew up pre helicopter parent style so it was normal for me at 6 or so to be riding my bike alone.  When I discovered none of the boys around and rode by Stephanie's house, a girl our age, I just took up play with her.  At some point we moved inside to play with her new toys.  I sat there playing with her new tea set, dolls and loving it.  I also felt like I was doing something wrong and was terrified that I'd get caught by my dad.

Now my parents are transphobic and homophobic but not in a mean and nasty way.  They're just from a different time.  And even though my dad was easy with letting derogatory slurs for gays and trans people fly out of his mouth I truly and deeply believe (actually I KNOW) they'd love and accept me unconditionally.  If my dad was alive and I came out as anything other than straight to him I know he'd hug me and tell me he loves me and say something like "ok so who gives a <poo>?  are you happy?  That's all I want for you".  Same with my mom.  I don't want to get hung up here on my parents.  They're extremely loving and supporting and I know they'd both support me in anything.  My dad was my best friend and biggest cheerleader in life.  I'm only sad he didn't really know me before he died.  the only reason I bring them up is becuase my dad was a bigger than life manly man.  coming out as any kind of queer to him would have been terrifying.  Whether it be admitting at 5 I was jealous of the kindergarten girls' undies, or during puberty that I was envious of the girls femininity and development, or in college that I deeply wished that I was one of the girls headed to spring break with a suitcase full of bikinis, etc etc.

I buried this forever.  My blueprint of denial to my family translated to all my friends too.  I've always also been very attracted to women sexually and only have occasional and passing bi curious moments that I know I'll never act on and I consider 'resolved'.  I'm ok with occasional homo-erotic fantasies.  I identify as straight.  My whole life I did.  Trans thoughts would come and go, but always there as a little sparkle in the back of my mind.  Sometimes very strong feelings, sometimes passing but ever present to some extent and always aware.  But I got so good at denying them and burying them that I have lived successfully though maybe not happily as a man my whole life.  Sometimes I'd let the trans thoughts run.  Often I would.  I take them out to "play" so to say, fantasizing in bed about waking up as a girl the next morning as if aliens abducted me and changed me.

I've had a lot of undiagnosed anxiety and depression.  In grade school, starting in 1st grade I'd go to school crying every day.  Totally broken.  My concerned parents would always try to help and talk to me, telling me I could tell them anything.  I couldn't.  So I stayed quiet and said "I don't know what's wrong".  To be fair and honest those anxieties were generalized, no always specifically about wanting to be a girl but that was also always there.  The anxiety cycle repeated every odd grade year.  1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th.  I never got therapy, we weren't a therapy family.  But I remember my dad, genuinely concerned asking even in 3rd grade if I needed professional help.  I'd adamantly cry NO.  I secretly wished he'd have just made the decision for me.  But I don't know if I'd have been honest with a therapist either.

As an adult I got so good at putting the trans thoughts away and somewhat content with "taking them out to play at bedtime for fantasizing that I've functioned well as a man.  But every time I see a sexy feminine happy looking woman I'm so triggered.  At the beach I'll see hot women in sexy swimwear and I try not to stare.  I don't want to be a creep but I'm mesmerized by their femininity and so envious of it.  I'm not overly dysphoric with my own anatomy.  If I'm honest, I want my penis gone and I want a vagina.  Badly.  But taking a shower and washing my genitals or urinating isn't triggering to me.  What sets me off is my envy of womanhood, seeing happy women being women and living their feminine lives.  If my wife caught me looking she's assume I was checking them out, thinking about bedding them, but it's not really what it is.

I started wearing men's thong underwear a few years ago. My wife accepts it.  She thinks it's kind of funny.  Calls me "metro".  I shave my legs now.  I love how it feels.  In bed she'll comment that my legs are smoother than hers "like a girl".  Intimately, she'll rub and caress my smooth legs during foreplay.  I love anal and she's incredibly giving with that with her fingers.  She often dominates me in bed.  She's asked me in the past if I'm gay.  I insist no.  I've explained I just love prostate stim.  She accepts and continues to give.  She's expressed at other times she isn't a fan of the shaved legs but she never insists on knowing why I do it or insisted I stop.  To say the least, there are signs.  If/when I ever come out, I know she'll be shocked but I think things will make more sense to her.

Recently my girly feeling have exploded.  Like in the past week.  I don't know why.  I secretly wear pink glitterly lip gloss when I'm alone in my truck (my giant ford 350 super duty diesel truck of denial).  I have secret feminine mannerisms when I'm alone.  I've done all this stuff a million times before but it's different recently.  Like I don't want to put it back away.  I feel like I'm at a cross roads.  Let Jamie out, or slam her in the closet and trudge through the rest of my life as James.  If I let her out, I want her OUT.  My desires are so strong right now for full transition.  FFS, SRS, body contouring, major weight loss (the old fashioned way).  Separately my struggling with weight my entire life is suddenly seen though this new lens as my subconsciously not giving a <poo> about my body that I hate.  I don't know.  I don't want to shut Jamie away until I'm 60 and end up still coming out but as a post menopausal woman.  I don't mean to disparage anyone who's journey worked that way.  But I want to let her out now.  I want to enjoy my 40s as a woman.

On the flipside, coming out to my wife terrifies me.  I know she'll always love me.  We moved across the country a few years ago for a new job for me.  My firm, a wall street style investment firm is mega woke.  I'll get a metric ton of corporate support.  But facing all those people...God that's scary.  I've sworn my whole like "IDK what this is but I'M NOT TRANS and I"LL BURY IT FOREVER before facing people as a girl".....But recently I'm feeling like, who gives a <poo> about them, it's my life.  If they don't like it, I don't care.  But my wife.  Man I love her.  What if she bails and takes the kids back east?  Maybe I need to stuff Jamie back in the closet, man up, and hide......And as soon as I think that my next thought is "I love Jamie.  She's me.  She deserves to live".  I guess my hopeful, least bad, fantasy is my wife supports and accepts me, even if the intimacy in our marriage changes that she'll stay under the same roof and we can co-parent and raise our kids and maybe we'll be more like best friends.  Obviously my ideal out come is she stays, we stay in love and learn to continue intimacy together.  She's not a lesbian and I have no right to expect that out of her.  And I HATE that I'm even thinking about doing any of this to her.  I should have sorted this before getting married!  I'm an <jerk> for doing this.  But still, I feel so strongly lately that I need to come out to her.  I keep almost blurting it out, my heart races.  I leave to go smoke a cigar outside and read trans stories, browse cute outfits on Nordstrom website, look at FTM after pics and timelines.  She probably thinks I'm out there looking at sports on my phone.

I don't know what to do, who I even am and what my life is going to be like.  I'm so excited, devastated, mad, sad, feel like I'm going to throw up!  I keep saying to myself in my mind "you're a girl and it's going to be ok....You're a transwomen, it's ok".  I've never said that even to myself before.

I'm forcing myself to keep my mouth shut for a week or two to make sure this isn't some kind of obsessive episode that will subside before I blurt out something I can't take back.....but I've scripted out a very thoughtful conversation opener for how I would do it.

Thank you, all for listening/reading.
Jamie, or James...idk.

Northern Star Girl:

--- Quote from: JamieH on August 24, 2021, 04:39:59 pm ---Hello everyone!  Some of you probably have seen that I'm a new member here and coming to terms with a lifetime of repression and shame.  Finally letting my inner woman exist in my mind without trying to slam her back into the closet.
This thread is my basic intro to the group and you can catch up there on my first few days of activity here. 

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,257432.0.html or read the original post below (just cuz I feel like this thread needs some history rather than sending you away on a link.

Will be posting here to share my feelings as things progress (or don't) and shift to using the broader forums to ask questions. Feel free to chime in if anything resonates with you!

~Jamie

--- End quote ---
@JamieH
Dear Jamie:
I am so very glad to see that you have started your own personal Blog-Thread here on the Forums.

As I had stated in your recent first thread that you authored, I will be eagerly looking for and reading your
future postings here on your Blog-Thread and anywhere else on the Forums that you may post your
comments and thoughts.

Again, thank you for starting your very own Blog-Thread....
....you will find this to be your "go to" place to interface
with like-minded members ... some of which will certainly become your Forums friends.

HUGS and best wishes as you continue on in your journey.
Danielle

JamieH:
Ok so funny story not gender related.  20 years ago I got a cyst on my inner thigh that flared up brutally when I was walking a lot to lose weight.  It got massively inflamed and painful like I had a marble under my skin.  Hot compresses and longer underwear like compression shorts to stop the thigh on thigh rubbing ultimately healed it after it ruptured.  No medical help needed.  It's been gone for 20 years.

The same time last week when this trans feeling flare up started,  this dormant cyst inflamed again.  Much worse than 20 years ago. Like a golf ball under my skin, painful, and looking possibly infected. 

I had a full course of antibiotics in the medicine cabinet so started taking them. Hot compresses, bandages etc.  Figured I'd go to urgent care if it didn't improve.  It ruptured and drained the other night while asleep, feels a million times better but here I am in the urgent care parking lot because I literally have a giant hole in my thigh.  Like the diameter of a pencil and pretty deep.  It's not bleeding and still feels better but I don't want to risk it.  When I showed my wife this morning she was Like OMG please go to urgent care that will never close on jts own!

Anyway just thought it was funny that life still goes on outside of my gender issues.  And the timing is suspicious.  I'm  wondering if the insane stress I'm under is what made it flare up.

Going in to see a guy about some stitches

Well Thanks for reading my super icky cyst story!  Haha. 

JamieH:
I left a voice mail with a gender therapist.  She called back while I'm waiting in my truck at urgent care and I have a zoom appt with her at 12pm on Thursday.  She was so nice and sympathetic.  The first thing she said was "that must have been a hard phone call to make....but how are you right now and are you feeling OK and safe right now?"

Excited and terrified continue to be the theme.

Laura1951:
Jamie,

Welcome home. For most of us, Susan's was a safe space that we happily discovered as we explored our path. As you read through other's blogs, you'll see similar themes to your own. You're not alone.

You're are at the "Scared to Death" phase, which I certainly can identify with. When I came out to myself and my therapist five years ago, at the age of 65, I felt instantly at ease while also feeling immense fear about whether I could be successful. Transitioning is a thousand mile journey, and you've taken the first step. I do hope your discussions with your therapist will provide you some peace as well as a framework to approach your wife.

Personally, I started and stopped HRT multiple times over the first three years, so I get the fear factor.. Married MTFs have the hardest journey, though, and we won't know how your wife will react until you broach the subject with her. Things could go well, or they could go off the rails, as I'm certain you're aware of.

We're here for you, so please continue to share your thoughts on your new blog.

Laura

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version