Author Topic: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)  (Read 7332 times)

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Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #120 on: September 20, 2021, 01:11:08 pm »
my wife thinks I'm just scared and retreating to the comfort of what I know, what's easier.

When we moved to CA, I got a job offer for more than 2x my then salary and at a firm that made my resume go from blah to "OMG this person is legit in the industry"....I could not seem to get out of that job forever...Now I could move to NYC and get a job at any prestigtous investment house I want, probably with ease and with a lot of negotiating leverage.  But at the time I was full out doubt, felt like an imposter or fraud, and tried to back out of making the move a hundred times.  I'd be miserable trudging though life in my old job.  I'm flourishing in my career now and I love my company.  My wife says this is what I always do when I'm scared, but when I make myself make the leap I end up loving it. 


Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #121 on: September 20, 2021, 01:20:32 pm »


Yeah that all makes so much sense.  I'm def a thinky person.  Over analyze everything.


That's what majoring in philosophy will do for you.   


I myself use the metaphor of yawning gulfs of fear and anxiety lying before me as I transitioned, and of desperately seeking some manner of getting across.

Once I did cross them, I would look back and realize that they were not gulfs at all but rather the tiniest things, mere cracks in the sidewalk. Of course, by then I was seeing them from the perspective of one who had enough courage to cross the gulf, so of course they looked tiny.

From today's standpoint I regret the anxiety I permitted myself, but it was very real at the time. Part of it came from living in a hostile environment with someone else actively undermining me at all times. Part of it came from my own skepticism and transphobia and  thinkiness.

You'll have your own reasons for anxiety, Jamie, and they'll be as valid as anyone else's for every reason you have. It's okay to be anxious, and it's okay to take time to figure out why.

It's also okay to be nonlinear. I was always getting hung up on "the next step" when there are all sorts of next steps to explore. Dunno why. That's me, I guess.

You may at some point decide to give up on anxiety completely, relax, and do your own thing. You might even find that everyone else is so preoccupied with their own lives that they don't have much headspace for you. Never know. 
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid it, and I am free." -- M. Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


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Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #122 on: September 20, 2021, 01:29:51 pm »
One good thing I have today is that despite my anger and the rawness of my wife outing me....i now have 5 more people as part of a support structure, her 4 close friends and her brother.  She said they're genuinely supportive and love me.  IDK about their husbands.

I should try to focus on positives rather than dwell on negatives or my feeling embarrassed.  I have people who care about me.  That's huge. 

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #123 on: September 20, 2021, 01:31:02 pm »
D*mn huge. You're a lucky gal, Jamie.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid it, and I am free." -- M. Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

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Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #124 on: September 20, 2021, 07:47:08 pm »
I think you either need to stay put or jump.

It is much easier on those around you if you present as one gender or the other.
If I intend to socialize it helps if I present female, so that is my usual default these days.
Socialize as in interacting with another human, as opposed to some automated machine.

Marion

Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #125 on: September 21, 2021, 02:03:51 pm »
I think you either need to stay put or jump.

It is much easier on those around you if you present as one gender or the other.
If I intend to socialize it helps if I present female, so that is my usual default these days.
Socialize as in interacting with another human, as opposed to some automated machine.

Marion

Staying put til I figure myself out.  One day at a time.  Probably will end up accepting a trans identity but I keep having doubt.  Still wish I was a woman every time I see women.  Still would press the magic gender change button.  So I don't know.

My wife isn't uncomfortable with me dabbling in femme stuff.  She is encouraging me to explore.  She took me to her closet and showed me a bunch of dresses she thinks I may fit into and told me they're there for me if I want to try.  My therapist really wants me to try going to an in-person trans support groups fully dressed and my wife thinks I should too.  She offered to go shopping with me to help me find clothes that will fit and flatter my body.  So it's ok to present both ways...my house is a safe place.

I just need to get thru therapy this week, and try not to think too much about anything beyond that. 

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #126 on: September 21, 2021, 02:35:04 pm »
@JamieH
Dear Jamie:
You are very fortunate that your wife is so accepting, and that she is not uncomfortable with you dabbling in Femme stuff and even trying on her dresses.  Wow, she even wants to take you clothes shopping. 
I am very glad to read that your "house is a safe place."

Thank you for sharing and posting.
HUGS,
Danielle


Staying put til I figure myself out.  One day at a time.  Probably will end up accepting a trans identity but I keep having doubt.  Still wish I was a woman every time I see women.  Still would press the magic gender change button.  So I don't know.

My wife isn't uncomfortable with me dabbling in femme stuff.  She is encouraging me to explore.  She took me to her closet and showed me a bunch of dresses she thinks I may fit into and told me they're there for me if I want to try.  My therapist really wants me to try going to an in-person trans support groups fully dressed and my wife thinks I should too.  She offered to go shopping with me to help me find clothes that will fit and flatter my body.  So it's ok to present both ways...my house is a safe place.

I just need to get thru therapy this week, and try not to think too much about anything beyond that.
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Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #127 on: September 23, 2021, 07:02:02 pm »
Better day today.  All this denial I put up over the last week is melting away again.  I'm not clear on my identity still but therapy was fantastic today.

Last night my wife and I snuggled in bed and there was even a little bit of footsie playing.  Sexual tension was crazy but I didn't make a move bc I don't want to push things.  But even in conversation last night she was talking about the future in a more open way and less in absolutes about "I'm not and never will be a lesbian".  She even said "we'll see...who knows". 

My therapist thinks her initial reaction was well...reactionary and that I shouldn't lose hope but that tempering my hope is also prudent.  She basically said neither of us really knows what could happen so what ifs and catastrophizing isn't helpful.  She said just focus on what I know today and that is that I have an amazing supporter in my wife.

She ended the session by telling me she was proud of my coming out and that I am such a strong brave woman.  And that felt GOOD to hear again. 

Wife and I are setting up couples therapy.  I gave my therapist a list of days and times so she is checking with her colleagues to get us going. 

Really all good things today.  👍

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #128 on: September 23, 2021, 07:22:49 pm »
Very nice!

I myself feel that catastrophizing can be a worthwhile planning tool for hedging against disaster, but it's nothing to be dwelt upon.

The breadth and depth of your possible futures are as unknown as ever, and now you just have a few new variables thrown into the mix. Can't honestly expect to resolve everything right away.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid it, and I am free." -- M. Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

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Offline TXSara

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #129 on: September 23, 2021, 07:46:27 pm »
Jamie --

It sounds like your wife's reaction is similar to mine... get ready for some real ups and downs.  Like I said before, don't give up on your wife -- this is REALLY hard for her.  There will be good weeks and bad weeks.  As long as she's still there and you two are talking, there's still hope.

My wife tends to hit the rails one way ("I can't take this anymore!") then goes the complete opposite ("maybe this will be good for us").  I'm betting that isn't abnormal, and you may end up seeing some of that yourself.  Buckle up!

~Sara

Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #130 on: September 23, 2021, 08:24:26 pm »
Jamie --

It sounds like your wife's reaction is similar to mine... get ready for some real ups and downs.  Like I said before, don't give up on your wife -- this is REALLY hard for her.  There will be good weeks and bad weeks.  As long as she's still there and you two are talking, there's still hope.

My wife tends to hit the rails one way ("I can't take this anymore!") then goes the complete opposite ("maybe this will be good for us").  I'm betting that isn't abnormal, and you may end up seeing some of that yourself.  Buckle up!

~Sara


Thanks Sara.  My wife insists this will all be good for us.  The question is just what "us" looks like over time. 

She's going to go home to the east coast for her birthday weekend in Oct.  This was already in the works pre coming out.  She wants to go support her brother who is going thru a brutal custody battle over his daughter and it's her birthday too.  I can't go because of a combination of being cheap and my work.  She goes back and forth on wanting me to go saying it could be good for me to talk to her brother and her girlfriend that she told about me.  Saying it would be a safe space to try out nails, lip gloss etc with safe people. 

I'm trying to get her to understand I'm not ready for that yet, and honestly still not really thrilled about those people even knowing about me.  So like no, I am not interested in wearing lip gloss around them, I don't even have the slightest desire to see them right now.....but anyway she also said maybe it's good too if I stay behind because then I can spend the 4-5 days trying stuff out by myself, like go get a mani/pedi, try her stuff on etc etc. 

I'm thinking the latter option sounds kind of nice.  Just me, low stress, trying some stuff out. 

I guess what I fear now is that like after our day in Malibu with my pink nails and lips I felt a tangible distance between us, like she recoiled a bit.  Then she started gravitating back to me a bit, slowly and not yet sexually...I'm like afraid again to express some femme and have her recoil again. 

Interestingly, I've been buying Dove "pampering" body wash for a while.  When she'd go to the store in the past and I'd ask her to get me body wash she'd come back with a typical blue and grey bottle of MENS body wash.  I told her today that I needed body wash and would run to CVS after therapy and she said she was gonna go shopping anyway and that she's pretty sure they have Dove at Costco, but if not she's pick something nice.  It was a nice, small gesture where she acknowledged what she knows I want and would go get it for me. 


Offline TXSara

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #131 on: September 24, 2021, 01:21:13 am »
I'm thinking the latter option sounds kind of nice.  Just me, low stress, trying some stuff out. 

I agree.  I can't say what will work for you, but I have found that having some "alone time" really helps a lot.  I usually have a day or two per month where I will even go rent a hotel room in another part of Dallas where I can just have full on "Sara time" without having to worry about who might "pop in" or how this might trigger my wife, etc.  I usually time it to coincide with a transgender meetup (my wife and I call it "girl club"), and I usually also get to spend some time running around town in girl mode.  It's really nice because it give me time where I can fully be myself without fear of "outing myself" to people I'm not ready to be out to.  Your wife is right that you should explore this, but you don't have to do it on stage for everyone else!

I told her today that I needed body wash and would run to CVS after therapy and she said she was gonna go shopping anyway and that she's pretty sure they have Dove at Costco, but if not she's pick something nice.  It was a nice, small gesture where she acknowledged what she knows I want and would go get it for me.

It's the little things, sometimes, right? 

~Sara

Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #132 on: September 24, 2021, 10:54:47 am »
Thanks Sara....yeah that's a good idea, having some alone time, even getting a hotel.  It's gonna take a while to figure out what my wife really can handle vs what she thinks she can, and figuring out how to slowly start layering those things into daily life.  She was so 1000% supportive but I think then when she saw me with pink nails and lip gloss it was just like "whoah this is real, my husband isn't who I thought he was" and it was natural to recoil.  I want to avoid weekly shocks like that but also not sacrifice my own progress.  The bi-lline on this forum feels quite appropriate "we stand at the crossroads of gender, balanced on the sharp edge of a knife".....

Looking forward to my alone time now....I think I'm going to order some womens PJ's and look into scheduling a mani pedi.  I also still have a gift card for a massage left over from my birthday last year so maybe a nice self care weekend is in order.

Offline EllenW

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #133 on: September 24, 2021, 02:18:43 pm »
I think then when she saw me with pink nails and lip gloss it was just like "whoah this is real, my husband isn't who I thought he was" and it was natural to recoil.

Jamie,

This is a very normal reaction. My wife was the same way. It took a lot of work  my both of us until she was comfortable with me wearing women's items and eventually transitioning.  It took years but for me it was worth the wait as she was the love of my life. When she did accept she worked with me, helped me select my new name and attended my first consultations with GCS doctors.

My suggestion to both of you, take your time, enjoy each other's company and continually do things for her to show how much you love her and want her in your life after you transition.

Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - January 2021

Offline TXSara

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #134 on: September 24, 2021, 03:02:15 pm »
Jamie --

That's EXACTLY what happened the first time my wife saw Sara.  Note that this wasn't just fingernails -- it was full-on female mode.  She had been asking me to show her for over a year, and I had been saying, "I'm not sure you're ready -- you can't UNSEE this".  When she finally met Sara, she sort of freaked out for a couple weeks.  She said that I look like my little sister (Really?  How awesome, Thanks!!), and that it was a trip because she would close her eyes, listen to me talk, and I was there.  When she opened her eyes, I wasn't there anymore.  I'm sure that it was surreal for her.

Time.  Give her time, and give her love.  She deserves both.

~Sara

Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #135 on: September 24, 2021, 03:45:54 pm »
Jamie --

That's EXACTLY what happened the first time my wife saw Sara.  Note that this wasn't just fingernails -- it was full-on female mode.  She had been asking me to show her for over a year, and I had been saying, "I'm not sure you're ready -- you can't UNSEE this".  When she finally met Sara, she sort of freaked out for a couple weeks.  She said that I look like my little sister (Really?  How awesome, Thanks!!), and that it was a trip because she would close her eyes, listen to me talk, and I was there.  When she opened her eyes, I wasn't there anymore.  I'm sure that it was surreal for her.

Time.  Give her time, and give her love.  She deserves both.

~Sara

Makes a lot of sense....and yeah honestly I care more about her than myself right now.  As much as I need her support, I need to also be strong for her. 

I'm going to plan a nice surprise for her birthday when she gets back from Boston.  I guess I'll be celebrating her birthday with her late, but I want to find something nice/thoughtful we can do together so she knows I'm putting more effort into it than just making a dinner reservation or buying a gift card.  Not sure what yet, but I'll figure something out.

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #136 on: September 24, 2021, 06:34:19 pm »
Makes a lot of sense....and yeah honestly I care more about her than myself right now.  As much as I need her support, I need to also be strong for her. 

I'm going to plan a nice surprise for her birthday when she gets back from Boston.  I guess I'll be celebrating her birthday with her late, but I want to find something nice/thoughtful we can do together so she knows I'm putting more effort into it than just making a dinner reservation or buying a gift card.  Not sure what yet, but I'll figure something out.
I'd avoid taking her to a drag show.

Just sayin'.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid it, and I am free." -- M. Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
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Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #137 on: September 24, 2021, 06:38:00 pm »
I'd avoid taking her to a drag show.

Just sayin'.

LOL!  you crack me up.

Funny, my wife thought it would be good to watch some trans TV.  We watched an episode of Pose together.  Now I don't want to make this sound the wrong way....I'm truly happy for people who do the things that make them happy....BUT that drag/ballroom, vogue stuff.....yeah, just NO for me lol. 

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #138 on: September 24, 2021, 06:47:49 pm »
Yeah, I'm with you. I'd much prefer a television show about trans people living boring, mundane lives, but I somehow doubt there'd be much of an audience for it.

I think we're still waiting to reach the societal level of acceptance where we get to be the sassy-yet-very-wise minority best friend of the main character in a network comedy.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid it, and I am free." -- M. Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #139 on: September 24, 2021, 07:02:14 pm »
Yeah, I'm with you. I'd much prefer a television show about trans people living boring, mundane lives, but I somehow doubt there'd be much of an audience for it.

I think we're still waiting to reach the societal level of acceptance where we get to be the sassy-yet-very-wise minority best friend of the main character in a network comedy.

Yeah exactly...a trans character where his/her/their transness isn't the focus.  And I'm just not into subcultures/countercultures....I want just exist as myself in the broader culture.  I guess that's a lot to ask of this media driven society.

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