Author Topic: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)  (Read 12312 times)

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Offline Nora Kay

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #260 on: November 27, 2021, 11:41:47 am »
My wife's trying to convince me to leave the nail polish on but I'm leaning towards removing it.  Not sure I'm ready to be around people I actually know with any sort of outwardly femme signs.  Maybe I'll decide in the morning whether or not to take it off. 


Ok so did not hear if you kept it or not. For me I like and it’s pretty much what my wife accepts right now is a French mani and pedi. But instead of white I use off white as it’s more of a match to natural nails and use a matte top coat. Look like natural nails but so feminine I love it. But you will have to go to the salon. I get gel or the dip. Can’t beat a mani/pedi at the salon. Oh and I think I saw you are in socal as well. I am in the inland empire.

Online JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #261 on: November 29, 2021, 12:00:20 pm »
Ok so did not hear if you kept it or not. For me I like and it’s pretty much what my wife accepts right now is a French mani and pedi. But instead of white I use off white as it’s more of a match to natural nails and use a matte top coat. Look like natural nails but so feminine I love it. But you will have to go to the salon. I get gel or the dip. Can’t beat a mani/pedi at the salon. Oh and I think I saw you are in socal as well. I am in the inland empire.

I did keep it.  No one said anything until my wife's cousin's husband asked me "what the [expletive] is going on here?" and held his hand up as if showing me his nails.  I played it off as if I had just done it when my wife was painting my daughters nails and she likes me to play along.  That was the end of it.


Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #262 on: November 29, 2021, 10:13:37 pm »
My daughter (college student) got a gel nails set for Christmas last year and painted my nails.  My step son asked if I was going to "pull a Caitlyn Jenner".  Laughing in response, I said "I guess we'll see.  Would you be ok if I did?"  He mumbled something about not caring, and everyone moved on.  I learned that Gel nails last a while.  LOL

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #263 on: November 30, 2021, 03:11:48 pm »
I did keep it.  No one said anything until my wife's cousin's husband asked me "what the [expletive] is going on here?" and held his hand up as if showing me his nails.  I played it off as if I had just done it when my wife was painting my daughters nails and she likes me to play along.  That was the end of it.

Brava!

I doubt that anyone gets worked up enough to comment on nail polish would buy that excuse, but who cares? You didn't take it off. You're Jamie, dammit. You get to wear nail polish whenever you want.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & Creaky

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It’s a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

Offline Nora Kay

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #264 on: November 30, 2021, 05:22:09 pm »
I did keep it.  No one said anything until my wife's cousin's husband asked me "what the [expletive] is going on here?" and held his hand up as if showing me his nails.  I played it off as if I had just done it when my wife was painting my daughters nails and she likes me to play along.  That was the end of it.

I think that’s awesome. Not very many people say anything. And when they do it has been my experience it’s someone trying to figure out why or a compliment. One time I was asked if I played the guitar because they were longer but not real long. About the right length to play without a pick. So sometimes people will give you your excuse if you need one. I just told him. Nope, I just like them this way.

Online JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #265 on: December 01, 2021, 03:38:04 pm »
Brava!

I doubt that anyone gets worked up enough to comment on nail polish would buy that excuse, but who cares? You didn't take it off. You're Jamie, dammit. You get to wear nail polish whenever you want.

Yeah I don't think he bought it lol.  He made another joke later on that maybe he'd have my wife do his nails.  He's a super masculine Polynesian guy but I consider him a friend so I think he'll ultimately accept me.  Not sure but not a huge loss if he doesn't prove to be as decent a person as I'm fairly sure he is....

Anyway busy week.  Thanksgiving night I was pretty drunk (stayed up slugging whiskey with the afore mentioned Polynesian dude).  After everyone left and my wife and I finished cleaning up I hit on her and she kind of rejected me. 10 mins later I said I was going to bed and she said I seemed like a sad sack and I just said no I'm just kind of tired, drunk, and whatever is up between us "is what it is".

She then said "well maybe I'll come lay down with you for a bit" and I said, "It's ok babe you don't have to", to which she replied, "well maybe I want to".  I just said "well I'd love to have you...".  She ended up coming into the room and we got intimate.  It was pretty hot.  I completely bottomed and it was really fabulous to just be totally taken by her.

Dysphoria has been getting the better of me.  On Saturday we went to a tree lot to get our Christmas tree and there were a handful of attractive women there who triggered super strong gender envy that's had me in a weird place ever since.  My wife knew something was bothering me the past few days and I just told her it's my gender stuff, not even the marriage stuff.  I didn't go into a ton of detail but she rightly surmised "is it because you want to be something but you don't know how to go forward?".  I just said "yeah, something like that".  She's been really sweet and nice to me.  When bringing the tree inside and lifting it off my truck she offered to help saying "I don't want you to think that this is only your job because you're a man" and I said "am I though?" and she said "I don't know you tell me, but I support you either way".

I ordered some new super cute PJ pants.  They're from HoneyDew intimates, they're plush chenille white pants with pink stars, very form fitting, almost like leggings.  My wife wants some but said "I don't think I'm a "stars" girl like you" and I told her they have a bunch and maybe for Christmas I'll get her some.

Last night when I went to bed, I kissed her a peck on the lips and said good night and she said maybe she'd join me after her TV show.  She came to bed about 45 mins later and she complained how freezing it was in the room (I like to sleep in an ice box).  I said, well I have a lot of body heat, come snuggle and she said "no, I don't want to smell like the whole bottle of YSL Mon Paris you're wearing lol".....A while later, she rolled over facing away from me and I spooned her.  That led to me getting aroused, which she felt and intimacy happened again.  I got her off, but she couldn't get me off.  She used her fingers on me, but for some reason it kind of hurt and then she went to use her mouth on my [um] dude part and I couldn't really get it up.  I'm not sure if it's because it's not my favorite way to be stimulated anymore or if it's a side affect of the zoloft...I think probably a bit of both.  Even when operating solo, I've been having a harder time lately since taking the meds finishing things. 

So anyway, wife continues to be hot and cold with intimacy, but we've had it a few times recently which is lovely.  I don't know how long this will last as I know that typically when I lean into my fem side she kind of puts up walls, but we'll see.  She wants me to be happy, sincerely, but I'm still very stuck between moving forward towards transition and trying to preserve the family.  Some part of me thinks she'll stay with me even if I transition since it would happen gradually over time, but I can't bank on that.  I'm trying to figure out my fears and doubts around transition....which are purely internal (thinking I might make a mistake, regret irreversible changes etc) and which are purely external (family stuff, societal stuff, work stuff etc) to see if that leads to clarity.

I finally made an appointment for a new primary doc.  She's one of the LGBT Champions at UCLA and her clinical interest is gender diverse patient care.  Unfortunately, I can't see her til the end of January as she's pretty booked up, but that gives me some time to decide if I want to ask her to refer me to and endo.

Anyway that's about it for me.  Hope you all had a fab Thanksgiving and wishing you all a happy holiday season as the year winds down.

Offline Courtney G

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #266 on: December 02, 2021, 09:37:04 pm »
Wow, Jamie....

I read through the whole thing (it took quite a while) and I'm really on-board with the journey. I hope you and your wife are able to sort things out. It really does seem like you're taking a healthy approach and doing the very best you can to make it work. She seems like a very good person, as well. I wish you both well.

Thanks for your support on my thread. Now that I've learned about your situation, I can see a surprising number of parallels...and I found that this helped validate my feelings about what I'm going through, so thank you. It's kind of funny; we have a lot in common and in another life we might have been close friends (or girlfriends). It will be good to be able to continue to experience our journeys together for a time.

Online JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #267 on: December 09, 2021, 09:06:53 pm »
I hate my life

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #268 on: December 09, 2021, 11:24:06 pm »
I hate my life
@JamieH
Dear Jamie:
I am very saddened to read your latest posting.

You are NOT hated and not dis-liked here on the Forums...   
....all of us here are your biggest fans and we are wishing
and hoping for your success and happiness.

Many HUGS... and more HUGS
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
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I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 41

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #269 on: December 09, 2021, 11:40:16 pm »
In my own life, when i have felt that I hated my life, the only productive thing I have found is to try to change your life to make it more the way you would be happy.  That can be as simple and subtle as changing how you look at certain aspects.  It can be as substantial as ending relationships.  Either way, the goal is always the same, to establish some way to make your life better, and work towards that goal.  The active and deliberate pursuit of happiness and enhance any hope you have of a better day out in front of you.  And, where there is hope and effort, there can be joy.  I know this is vague, but if you can accept and apply the principles, it can be the catalyst for important improvement.

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #270 on: December 10, 2021, 12:33:38 pm »
I hate my life
I hated your life when I was living it.

It gets better.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & Creaky

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It’s a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

Offline TXSara

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #271 on: December 10, 2021, 02:07:46 pm »
I hate my life

Jamie -- I'm really sorry that things have gotten so rough for you.  There's probably nothing I can do or say to make any of it better.  Just know that I am (along with the rest of us) here to listen and to care about what you're going through.  I really hope it gets better soon...

~Sara

Online JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #272 on: December 15, 2021, 03:37:58 pm »
Overdue for a check-in...I know people are concerned about me so I want to let you all know I'm doing ok and I'm very grateful for all the support. 

Last week was really hard.  I doubled my SSRI dosage last monday as instructed by my doctor.  Later that night when saying good night to my wife, she was weird about kissing me good night and it was awkward.  The next day I spiraled into a very deep depression.  I don't know if the SSRI sudden dose doubling or the wife trigger or a combo of the 2 set me off, but I was pretty much dead to the world for 4 or 5 days.  I missed a whole week of work, kept a bottle of scotch on my nightstand and hid out under the covers.  I'd wake up to swig some whiskey or go the bathroom and back to bed.  I really never use alcohol that way so kind of out of character for me and I haven't reached for a bottle since I guess last Thursday.  Not a habit I want to get into.

On Friday I walked out of our couple's therapy session.  I ended up coming back to it but I'm just so tired of hearing the therapist and my wife telling me everything is gonna be ok.  Yeah, for you guys it will be.  You're cis.  Neither of you have the slightest idea what I'm dealing with so you have no way of knowing if everything is going to be ok.  Neither of you are treated like invalid trash by the majority of society simply for existing.  It's easy for people who aren't going through it to tell you to be brave and just go for it.  Hearing it week after week just got to me I guess. 

My wife was asking me later if her not wanting to kiss me caused my spiral and I said I didn't know, but it was probably a factor but I guess I need to get used to it.  She then wanted to kiss me.  I made it clear I don't want pity kisses or whatever but she said she wanted to.  So we're back to pecking on the lips at bed time but still no real intimacy.  I guess I'm trying to just accept that and not worry about it so much.  If she gravitates back to me or not is really not in my control and I need to focus on my own stuff a bit.  She's otherwise super supportive.

Last night she pulled me over to the mirror and wanted my to say to myself "you're gonna be ok, you can do this, Jamie".  It was really hard to bring myself to call myself Jamie in front of her but I did.  I've really been trying to avoid referring to myself with any sort of pronouns or name.  I guess I'm afraid if I re-declare myself as Jamie to her it's like a nail in the coffin of our marriage.  Yet, I want to be Jamie.  I feel so stuck as anything I do to let Jamie out will probably push my wife away, but suppressing her hurts.

I suppose I also have a lot of fears about passing.  Maybe it shouldn't be important, but to me it is, and it seems impossible.  I see myself in the mirror and I just see something so unfixable.  Hair everywhere except the top of my head, broad shoulders, deep chest/ribs etc.  Thick full beard.  How can I possibly get to the other side?  Sometimes the sight of my male body in the mirror just makes me feel SO ridiculous for wanting to be a woman.  At the same time I just feel like I'm supposed to be in a woman's body.  IDK.  Stuck.

My son gets his cast off on Friday and the pins removed then we're flying back east to Boston to spend Christmas with our families.  I should be totally looking forward to this trip but I really don't even want to go.  My mom and brother are supportive but my brother really doesn't get the gender stuff and just thinks it's literally the same thing as being anorexic, a mental illness.  He's not stigmatizing mental illness as he suffers, severely, from MDD, anxiety and OCD.  But his view of this as a delusion is obviously hurtful.  Plus with his depression issues, staying at his house for 2 weeks is just depressing.  It's always dark in his house and always just this depressed feeling.  It's always hurt me a lot to see how he suffers, we're super close, but it's also really hard to be around that doom and gloom all the time.  His OCD drives me insane as I always feel like I'm walking on egg shells.  If I go out to the kitchen to get a glass of water, He'll get up a few mins later retracing my steps with a paper towel to clean up the imaginary mess I've made.  It makes it impossible to just feel comfortable. 

My wife's brother is a pro boxing trainer and apparently can't wait to see me.  I guess he wants to put me through a work out but also his boss/gym owner has a 19 or 20 year old trans daughter and he wants to facilitate a meeting.  I'm having a hard time imagining having the energy for that even though I can see value in it.

On a positive note, I got my year end raise and bonus #s yesterday.  I wasn't expecting a lot but I got a pretty significant increase in both base and bonus over last year.  My boss says I'm very well respected in the firm.  I do ok money wise but living in SoCal with 2 kids and a single income is always hard.  This will help quite a bit.  I also used the opportunity to tell my boss that I didn't really have the flu last week and that I'm going through some personal and mental health related issues and was in a pretty bad place.  He totally understood and told me to take the next few weeks to try to get it together but in the new year to just keep him in the loop so if I'm having a bad day and can't get out of bed he can help plan around it.  He said he's suffered from pretty bad depression his whole life and had been evaluated for bipolar a few times over the decades so he fully understands.  I obviously didn't tell him the reason for my stuff, but eventually it's probably coming out.  It's at least good to know that I haven't jeopardized my career with last week's episode.


Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #273 on: December 15, 2021, 04:59:23 pm »
Awww, Jamie. I'm so sorry you're going through all these feels.

Lemme tell you a story about the first session I ever went to see a tdoc. I was going through the usual childhood and family history, blah blah, staring off into space. After a while I look over at tdoc, and he's staring at me bug-eyed. "Dude, what?" I say, "You've been in this business 20 years. You've heard all this before." Guy replies, "Yeah, but never to one person!"

You got all the feels everybody gets, Jamie, but they usually don't hit one person so hard all at the same time. No wonder you've been feeling so poorly!

Totes get what you mean about cis people not having anything at risk. It's easy to call oneself a "supportive ally." It's no skin off a cis person's nose to disclose their pronouns. What do they have to lose? So I agree with you - we bear the cost, and it's not our choice. All the same, we pay it no matter what, so there's no point getting upset about it. It's a sunk cost. The price of freedom.

Fears over passing are normal. If it makes you feel any better, I, with my broad shoulders, deep chest/ribs, bass voice, and huge hands pass all the time. HRT helped a lot with that. Laser helped. Makeup helps. Wardrobe helps. Learning new mannerisms helps. Speech therapy helps. You've scarce begun your journey; too early yet to conclude you've failed.

Gratz on the bump and the bonus! Man alive, I'd use some of it to stay at a hotel instead of your bro's place.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & Creaky

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It’s a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #274 on: December 15, 2021, 07:03:35 pm »
I'd agree with springing for a hotel instead of staying at a place you don't want to be.
Sometimes you are better off spending the money.

Marion

Online JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #275 on: December 16, 2021, 04:03:51 pm »
Yeah, I don't mean to give such a negative impression of my family, it's just with all my stuff going on, it's kind of hard to deal with theirs...I've kind of spent my whole life biting my tongue and keeping my secret and lending as much support as possible to my bro in dealing with his mental health issues.  We're extremely close, best friends really and I'm looking forward to seeing him....it's just that 2 weeks there is kind of tough since I'm really liking the comforts of home/my own space right now. 

No way I could fly home to see my family for xmas and not stay with them, that would just be way off.  I think I need to just set some boundaries on certain conversation topics and take some breaks to go out and do some stuff on my own when things in the house feel a bit too much. 

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #276 on: December 16, 2021, 05:46:07 pm »
Yeah, I don't mean to give such a negative impression of my family, it's just with all my stuff going on, it's kind of hard to deal with theirs...I've kind of spent my whole life biting my tongue and keeping my secret and lending as much support as possible to my bro in dealing with his mental health issues.  We're extremely close, best friends really and I'm looking forward to seeing him....it's just that 2 weeks there is kind of tough since I'm really liking the comforts of home/my own space right now. 

No way I could fly home to see my family for xmas and not stay with them, that would just be way off.  I think I need to just set some boundaries on certain conversation topics and take some breaks to go out and do some stuff on my own when things in the house feel a bit too much.

I don't feel you're giving a negative impression of your family at all, Jamie. Rather, I see a bunch of folks who love you and care for you.  I would surmise that they're just trying to figure out - on their own - how to treat you with kindness now that you've dropped The Bomb.

Were I in their position, I might feel myself walking on eggshells around the Trans Thing for fear of hurting you unintentionally. It'd honestly be that last thing I wanted to do, but I just wouldn't know what was okay and what wasn't.

This is a great time to marshal your truths, Jamie, to be open about what you do feel for now and about what you don't know yet, what's comfortable and what isn't. Your fam will do better by you for it. Saying it out loud is also a great way to help you better understand and express nuances in your thoughts.

So sorry your brother/bff has troubles with being Mentally Interesting. Isn't easy, isn't fun. MDD is such a bear. Best wishes to the both of you!
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & Creaky

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It’s a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

Online JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #277 on: December 20, 2021, 12:17:38 pm »
Big blow out last night.  Basically bit my mom and brother's heads off but I think it was long over due.  Lots of yelling and swearing.  Since I told them 2 months ago, they've always said they support me no matter what.  But when I got in to my brother's house on Friday there was a 3 page letter waiting for me on my pillow.

It was well intentioned, but missed the mark horribly.  As I've told you all my brother suffers very badly from depression, anxiety and OCD.  I honestly wouldn't wish his condition on my worst enemy and it truly breaks my heart to see him exist as the shell of the person he once was.  I remember him as a happy kid and now he's so miserable it breaks your heart.  He's done a lot of work, A LOT to try to help himself.  Doctors, meds, eastern spirituality, meditation, all kinds of self help stuff, a few group therapy support groups etc but nothing really sticks.  He's, once again, decided his meds aren't going to cure him so he stopped taking them and thinks he can somehow think his way to mental stability.  All the spiritual stuff he reads and 'new age' "religiosophy" has him convinced that all problems are problems of the mind, and only the mind can solve them. 

Point of all that background is that his letter, again while trying in his own way to be helpful, basically asserted that being trans is a mental health issue with the exact same root cause as his mental illnesses, but just manifested differently.  See, for me it manifests as "gender identity" and for him, he "identifies" as someone who "is not good enough".  He thinks that everyone with mental health issues has, in one way or another, had a problem created in their mind where they're somehow not good enough, broken, unwhole, etc and this causes suffering in the form of depression and anxiety.  Our mind has created this problem and therefore meds are a crutch/band aid.  Changing your physical appearance and biochemistry (hormones) won't change how you feel inside.  It basically distilled down to:  This is a mental illness, can't be cured, transition is a band-aid, so you gotta just meditate it away.

I said that's good because I'm not trying to change how I feel on the inside.  I'm trying reduce the tension by making my outside match what I actually am on the inside. 

As soon as I said I disagreed he got defensive and I just lost it.  Told him I'm glad that he's spent 5 minutes figuring out gender dysphoria for the world while all the MDs and PhD's who have devoted their lives to studying it disagree with him.  But hey, you must be way smarter than them.  I told him the entire psychiatric and medical community in general have consensus that this isn't a mental illness...but yet he still knows better.

He basically thinks that while it wouldn't be easy, sometimes you just have to accept that things aren't the way you feel they should be, and that's ok.  The key is to get comfortable over time that such an incongruance exists and learn to accept it.  Like it's ok to think you should be a girl, even though you're not, and learn to accept that feeling as something that just "is" and it's "ok". 

I asked him if I chopped his arm off tonight if seeing himself in the mirror armless tomorrow would be distressing or if he'd just say to himself "I ought to have 2 arms, but don't, and that's ok".....or "would you maybe get a prosthetic?  The prosthetic might not be quite the same as your original arm but might make your life a bit more liveable?"....Naturally, he has an answer for everything and would only want the prosthetic if it was "functional" (implying a neovagina isn't) so if he couldn't have a perfectly functional arm he's pretty sure over time he'd come to accept it. 


My mom asked a few stupid questions that caused me to lose my temper on her.  "So you want to wear dresses and stuff?" followed with "I just don't know anything about it".  That angered my and I said "I told you 2 months ago and you knew I was coming home for Christmas and you couldn't open google and type in "transgender" to prepare a bit?"  I did explain to her that I've prayed to wake up as a girl probably more nights of my life than not and I've known since I was a kid that things were off.  So she asked "do you want to become a woman then" and I explained that I wish I had been born as a biological girl but that regardless I believe my soul is a woman's and that it got in the wrong body somehow.  I don't know how, what biological, ontological, or metaphysical forces caused it but I know that my soul is female.  She says she's confused because I'm not feminine, everything about me is masc.  I told her "well yeah look at Bruce Jenner prior to announcing herself as Caitliyn, who woulda thunk?"

My brother admitted all he really knows about trans people is what you see on media, and I called out that they have Fox News on 24/7 in the house so I'm not surprised.  I said I can turn Tucker Carlson on to hear all about how mentally ill I am and don't need to hear it from my family.  He got defensive saying "What the ** does Fox have to do with it?"...I was just like "dude you just told me all you know about trans people is what you see on tv and all that's ever on tv around here is FN.  Literally just yesterday the anchor was making fun of non-binary people....Like How about just leave people the heck alone?  Broadcast bullying is disgusting especially when targeted at a group with a 40+% suicide rate.  Anyone who is aware of that statistic and still bullies those people is a disgusting person".  He quipped back that the only person responsible for killing themselves is the person him/herself, and I was like yeah that's true but if you saw a guy standing on a bridge getting ready to jump would you pull over and tell him what a worthless loser he was and how he should hurry up and jump, or would you want to help him off the ledge?  I called him out for 2 specific instances in high school and college where he was intensely and dangerously suicidal and than all it would have taken was one word for someone to say to send him off the bridge, so yeah even if it would be your own action, it obviously doesn't help if people constantly egg you on.

Things ultimately calmed down.  My brother and I apologized to each other for a few areas we overstepped and ultimately he and my mom again said they'll support me no matter what and both acknowledged that the type of support I want is for them to 1) get educated, 2) just be there for me when I need it and 3) don't try to argue with me or persuade me or try to tell me how to think or make me feel like I have to justify these feelings or validate them to you.

Anyway, things are calm in the house now.  When my mom gets back from her errands I will apologize to her for yelling and swearing at her, but not for the content of anything I said.  I'm putting some links together for her, some "Trans 101" stuff and will try to answer he questions a little more patiently.  I don't want to set an expectation that I'm going to blow up on her every time she asks a question....But I need to see a little bit of independent effort on her part. 

I talked to my wife's brother yesterday and he's super supportive and gets it.  He's going to set up a meeting with his boss's daughter next week.  My wife had told me she's 19 but she must have misunderstood.  She's in her 30s and is a trans activist and journalist.  She's probably a really good resource, and her mom is willing to talk to my mom as well to explain it all to her since she went through it all.  I hope my mom talks to her bc my brother in law said this girl also grew up very masc, athlete etc and her mom was entirely blindsided and schocked by it...but when she got on board she got totally on board.

Ultimately I think this blow out had to happen and I think it will get us in a better place.  At the end of the day, both my mom and brother love me, I love them, and they say they'll accept me no matter what I do.  I think it's just going to be a long road to understanding and getting educated and I may need to just accept that my brother will never truly believe trans women are women and trans men are men.....but if he can respect me and use the pronouns and name I'll probably use then it will have to be good enough. 

Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #278 on: December 20, 2021, 01:25:45 pm »
When research, both MRIs and autopsies where they sliced the brain into thin sheets, showed that transpeople have the brain structure of their declared genders, that should have settled this issue for society and individuals, both there is both Ignorance afoot and its even nastier cousin, Will Ful Ignorance. 

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #279 on: December 20, 2021, 04:17:17 pm »
Not to be unexpected, Jamie, and not all that bad. Nobody kicking anyone out, nor storming off to catch the next plane home, nor refusing to speak to each other forever.  Coulda been a lot worse.

:eusa_dance: 

You gotta admit that they at least reached out to you by taking the time to write a very long letter; Mom admitted her ignorance about trans stuff; you pointed out to them that their sources of information are skewed; and still y'all were able to get to the real heart of the matter, which is that you reaffirmed you love each other. I'd call that a huge win.

Educating themselves may be a big push. They haven't been much interested or comfortable learning about trans people yet. Having one in their lives may make a difference, but they'll have all sorts of opportunities to pick up all sorts of nasty, bigoted stuff about us online, too. You might want to caution them about that.

I always recommend genderbread.org  as a good introductory site for n00bs. It's gentle and light, apolitical, and it demonstrates the differences between gender, gender expression, and sexuality. Check it out!

Finally, dammit, I am Mentally Interesting. I am not broken. I have access to aspects of the human experience that few will ever know. Some are nightmarish. Some are glorious. Some are just plain weird. They are part of me, I have lived them, they make me whole. Not broken. Bless your brother's heart, but I think he can go jump in the lake as far as that goes.

Hoping the rest of your visit goes wonderfully now that you've broken the ice!
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess

"When going through hell, best keep moving." -- Old & Creaky

“Darling,” She said, “it doesn’t matter. You have only one choice. You can walk farther along the path or not. It’s a narrow path. You may be scared about lifting your foot up to take your next step. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to step very far. It’s up to you.
"But all you get to do is choose. Your anxieties, your fears, your courage, your happiness, your rage: go ahead and feel them all you want. They don’t matter. What matters is what you choose.
“I can promise you a long and fascinating road. I’ll give you tools along the way. I’ll be with you every step.
“Now make your choice.” --  my beloved Battle Goddess

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