Author Topic: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)  (Read 9784 times)

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Offline Rachel

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #240 on: November 15, 2021, 06:46:04 pm »
I am sorry you and your family are going through this. I fully understand what you are going through.

For me, the incredible stress I was under was because I wanted two things and I could only have one. After the divorce my ex said the marriage was over the moment I came out to her. Everything else was emotions I created and I lived through.

When I went on hormones I knew I would never go off them.

Rachel Lynn
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Offline Laura1951

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #241 on: November 15, 2021, 07:25:24 pm »
I've been so worried about you the past 10 days because you've not posted. I know that when I go missing, it's because life has been harder than I can handle. I've had multiple periods like this my first year FT so I understand a bit.

But not really, because you love your wife and you really hope the marriage doesn't implode. Not only are you transitioning, your marriage is transitioning too. You know what your end goal is, but your wife isn't certain yet. 

Please DM me if you wish, anytime. You can have my personal number if you'd like someone to talk to.

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline Oldandcreaky

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #242 on: November 15, 2021, 09:11:22 pm »
I've worried about you too, Jamie.

Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #243 on: November 16, 2021, 02:20:23 pm »
Yes, I feel your pain and frustration. I would hate to be in your shoes!
I know that this site has taught me how different each of us is and how it’s a very individual journey. We can learn from others but no other is walking the same path.
I can’t relate much because i haven’t been in that position (I cannot even imagine wanting to have sex as a man and using it for anything other than weeing!) but sending hugs anyway!
Stay strong!


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Thanks, Pammie....yeah I hear you.  I'm conflicted over the fact that I can get enjoyment out of that part of me.  In reality though, I've not been performing well since coming out.  Most of the sex I have with my wife is, at the risk of way TMI, me using my hands/mouth on her and her using her fingers on me.  I have much better, more powerful orgasms in a submissive role/being penetrated.  So yeah, lol, TMI. 

The fact I do get any pleasure out of using it though is just another thing that I overthink, assign a ton of meaning to, and then doubt myself.  I know what parts I truly wish I was born with though.

Offline Pammie

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #244 on: November 16, 2021, 02:22:32 pm »
Thanks, Pammie....yeah I hear you.  I'm conflicted over the fact that I can get enjoyment out of that part of me.  In reality though, I've not been performing well since coming out.  Most of the sex I have with my wife is, at the risk of way TMI, me using my hands/mouth on her and her using her fingers on me.  I have much better, more powerful orgasms in a submissive role/being penetrated.  So yeah, lol, TMI. 

The fact I do get any pleasure out of using it though is just another thing that I overthink, assign a ton of meaning to, and then doubt myself.  I know what parts I truly wish I was born with though.
One thing is for sure - we are pretty much all good at finding things to worry about and doubt ourselves about! 


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Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #245 on: November 16, 2021, 02:24:31 pm »
I am sorry you and your family are going through this. I fully understand what you are going through.

For me, the incredible stress I was under was because I wanted two things and I could only have one. After the divorce my ex said the marriage was over the moment I came out to her. Everything else was emotions I created and I lived through.

When I went on hormones I knew I would never go off them.

Rachel Lynn

Thanks Rachel...Yes this is very hard.  My wife loves me deeply, that I do know, but the fact that she wants to halt romance/intimacy to "protect herself" is hard to take.  But we're still partners and are both 1000% committed to raising our kids together and making sure we raise them right.  She insists that no matter what happens in the marriage that she'll always be my biggest supporter.  Just the idea of my wife transitioning from my wife to a best friend/roommate (for a while), whatever is not something I want.  The fact that she hasn't bailed yet and we're working thru things in couple's therapy tells me she doesn't want to terminate the marriage right now.  I try to remain cautiously hopeful that at some point the romance can re-ignite.  I've read a lot of stories of marriages surviving a transition, but certainly the odds aren't great.  As such, I'm trying to focus on figuring out myself a bit more before making any decisions or major changes. 

Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #246 on: November 16, 2021, 02:25:57 pm »
I've been so worried about you the past 10 days because you've not posted. I know that when I go missing, it's because life has been harder than I can handle. I've had multiple periods like this my first year FT so I understand a bit.

But not really, because you love your wife and you really hope the marriage doesn't implode. Not only are you transitioning, your marriage is transitioning too. You know what your end goal is, but your wife isn't certain yet. 

Please DM me if you wish, anytime. You can have my personal number if you'd like someone to talk to.

Laura


Thanks Laura.  I may take you up on your offer to DM.  I really appreciate this gesture of support!  TBH, I'm not even certain I know what my end goal is. 

Offline jennifer7020

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #247 on: November 16, 2021, 03:13:19 pm »

Thanks Laura.  I may take you up on your offer to DM.  I really appreciate this gesture of support!  TBH, I'm not even certain I know what my end goal is.

I am happy to see you back a second day. Maybe even happier than the relief I felt when I saw you yesterday.

If it helps, I tell my therapist my only real goal goal is to be happy in the end; figuring out who I am and what I want is just a part of the puzzle. Maybe that helps. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She had rings on her fingers and bells on her shoes
And I knew, without askin', she was into the blues
She wore scarlet begonias tucked into her curls
I knew right away she was not like other girls, other girls

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #248 on: November 17, 2021, 10:30:17 am »
Good to see you writing again, Jamie. You seem to have amassed quite the fan club!
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
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Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #249 on: November 17, 2021, 04:31:20 pm »
Good to see you writing again, Jamie. You seem to have amassed quite the fan club!

Thanks BG...good to know people care.  I appreciate all of you!

Offline Laura1951

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #250 on: November 19, 2021, 05:16:56 pm »
Yes, Jamie, we care about you. Married MTFs have the hardest journey of all, so do keep your head up and using us as a sounding board. We're here for you.

Laura
“When you’re ready, start living your truth. That’s when the magic happens.”

One New Life to Live (My personal blog)  |  My BA Journey   |  Laura's HRT Journal 

Full Time since 11/27/20  |  Laura's FFS Journey.   |  Stay or Go



Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #251 on: November 23, 2021, 12:51:27 pm »
oh man....life is fun.

My 6 year old son broke his arm last night riding his scooter on our patio.  I was out smoking a cigar watching him zip around and he somehow went over the handle bars and landed awkwardly on his elbow.  When I picked him up i felt a bone move and knew right away.

Urgent care was not able to cast it bc it was too swollen so we went home with a sling and a number for an orthopedist who we're seeing today.  Poor kid.

It's funny, in a way....the pain I've been in for the last few months all just melts away when you see your kids hurt.  Poor thing had a really long night last night.

At least the nurse at the urgent care complimented my nails lol.

Oh well, off to the doctor soon.  Hope they can cast it or at least properly immobilize it so we can move on to spoiling the heck out of him over the holiday weekend.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone

Jamie

Offline jennifer7020

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #252 on: November 23, 2021, 01:25:41 pm »
oh man....life is fun.

My 6 year old son broke his arm last night riding his scooter on our patio.  I was out smoking a cigar watching him zip around and he somehow went over the handle bars and landed awkwardly on his elbow.  When I picked him up i felt a bone move and knew right away.

Urgent care was not able to cast it bc it was too swollen so we went home with a sling and a number for an orthopedist who we're seeing today.  Poor kid.

It's funny, in a way....the pain I've been in for the last few months all just melts away when you see your kids hurt.  Poor thing had a really long night last night.

At least the nurse at the urgent care complimented my nails lol.

Oh well, off to the doctor soon.  Hope they can cast it or at least properly immobilize it so we can move on to spoiling the heck out of him over the holiday weekend.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone

Jamie

Hey Jamie-- I hope your son is ok and able to be treated promptedly. Its a tough injury for a kid.

Happy Thanksgiving to you too
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She had rings on her fingers and bells on her shoes
And I knew, without askin', she was into the blues
She wore scarlet begonias tucked into her curls
I knew right away she was not like other girls, other girls

Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #253 on: November 23, 2021, 08:24:52 pm »
Thanks Jenn...we are at the hospital now awaiting surgery. 

I guess he will need a few pins but the surgeon says he does 2 or 3 of these every day so fairly routine.  Just hard seeing your kids in pain...but he's a tuff little dude.

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #254 on: November 23, 2021, 11:15:52 pm »
Thanks Jenn...we are at the hospital now awaiting surgery. 

I guess he will need a few pins but the surgeon says he does 2 or 3 of these every day so fairly routine.  Just hard seeing your kids in pain...but he's a tuff little dude.

Thanks Jenn...we are at the hospital now awaiting surgery. 

I guess he will need a few pins but the surgeon says he does 2 or 3 of these every day so fairly routine.  Just hard seeing your kids in pain...but he's a tuff little dude.

Awwww... poor little guy!

Sorry you-all are going through this, Jamie. It's something of a parental rite of passage. I remember how I felt when my kid broke her wrist - oof.

I remember asking the poor pediatrics ER residents if she'd be able to play the violin after this. They assured us she would, and I thanked them, adding, "That's wonderful! She was never been able to play it before!"

Yuk yuk yuk, right? Old vaudeville joke. But sometimes life gives you a chance to slip them in. You gotta give it a shot right now, Jamie. You may never have another chance.

Get going!
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline JamieH

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #255 on: November 24, 2021, 07:35:57 pm »
Rough few days.  We saw an orthopedist on Tuesday morning (receptionist there also complimented my nails lol).  Ortho did new x rays and determined it was a more complex break.  Supra condylar distal humerus type II.  So he told us to go straight to Children's Hospital LA and go thru the Emergency Room bc it would need immediate surgery.  Poor little dude got 2 pins put in and a cast.  Surgery was at 9pm last night so he had to stay overnight, but he's home comfortably resting now.  The ER nurse also liked my nails lol.  My wife says it means I did a good job painting them....With all the craziness going on there was no time for me to take the polish off so I had to go brave the busy world with them painted.  I think it was good for me though bc no one cares....I kind of knew that I guess but til you experience it I guess it's hard to believe. 

So anyway we're hosting about 16 people (including our family of 4) for thanksgiving.  We were gonna cancel but thought maybe it would be good for the little patient to have some fun with his cousins and get his mind off of stuff.  I'm smoking 3 turkeys on the stickburner and one of the guys coming over is going to smoke a whole lamb on a spit.  My wife's trying to convince me to leave the nail polish on but I'm leaning towards removing it.  Not sure I'm ready to be around people I actually know with any sort of outwardly femme signs.  Maybe I'll decide in the morning whether or not to take it off. 

All in all, when you have to have your 6 year old go under general anesthesia, it totally refocuses your priorities.  All my anxieties and fears about my marriage and gender melted away and the little guy was my only focus.  Only one of us could go with him to pre-op due to Covid protocols and he picked me...I was holding back tears bc I didn't want him to see that I was sad, but man watching how terrified he was just broke my heart.  He just kept saying "daddy take me home I want to go home"...ugh...I promised him I'd be there when he woke up and luckily when they took me into recovery he was still asleep so when he finally opened his eyes I was the first thing he saw. 

Separately, my wife and I had a flirty moment in the kitchen on Sunday evening.  I was just looking at her, smiling, really just taken by her pretty mannerisms and just "her way" (reminded me of when we were dating).  We were having a glass of wine and she was acting kind of flirty too.  The next day it sort of happened again and I used my foot to gently poke her in her pelvic area and she kind of lightheartedly said "no, you don't get that any more", I responded feigning more sadness than I was actually feeling (I'm certainly sad, but was having a pretty decent day) saying "yeah I know" and she said "I'm just kidding boo, I'll probably want you again, but I'm just still feeling a little weird".  I just said yeah I know, but I also know you want to smash me as much as I want to smash you right now and she was just kind of smiling like "yeah" and she said "I've always said 'never say never' but I'm still not sure".  I feel like if it wasn't the middle of the day with the kids around something could have happened...

IDK, at the same time I've been leaning more into my femininity around the house since the weekend so I don't really know if it's going to keep pushing her away romantically or if she'll gravitate back to me.  I think I'm kind of clear now though on the fact that I don't really want to suppress this.  I love my perfume, nails, undies, pjs, hand creams etc....I guess trying to figure out if this is a happy medium that will work or if I need to keep going. 

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #256 on: November 25, 2021, 02:37:23 pm »



IDK, at the same time I've been leaning more into my femininity around the house since the weekend so I don't really know if it's going to keep pushing her away romantically or if she'll gravitate back to me.  I think I'm kind of clear now though on the fact that I don't really want to suppress this.  I love my perfume, nails, undies, pjs, hand creams etc....I guess trying to figure out if this is a happy medium that will work or if I need to keep going.

The slippery slope grows steeper all the time, Jamie. First and second derivatives are both negative. It is what it is.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #257 on: November 25, 2021, 09:26:45 pm »
Hand lotion may go from being something you like to something you need.  If you transition, low T will make your skin less oily and thinner (more fragile, less able to endure abrasion).  I haven’t transitioned, but I have had extremely low T. 

It sounds like you are easing into (or at least towards) transition.  Best wishes with that. 

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #258 on: November 26, 2021, 01:18:49 pm »


If you transition, low T will make your skin less oily and thinner (more fragile, less able to endure abrasion).   

Boy howdy!

I used to be able to simply wade into our blackberry bushes and not really bother with the thorns - just come out with a few whitish scratches. Anymore the little stinkers draw blood! Learned that lesson right quick.

My skin was fairly oily before HRT, but now after a couple of years, I've taken to using a light moisturizer after I shower. Helps a lot.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Freedom comes at a high price. But I have paid that price, and I am free." -- Muhammad Ali

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Rachel Montgomery

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Re: Jamie's Leap of Faith (maybe?)
« Reply #259 on: November 26, 2021, 10:05:03 pm »
I use baby oil gel (with Shea and coco butter) in the shower. 

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