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Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward

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Brooke Renee:
Hello,

Probably like everyone else here I began to have feminine interests and curiosity at a young age.  I remember saying that I wanted to be a ballerina when I was around 5 and I vividly remember the abuse I endured for the months that followed.  I guess that early conditioning taught me to keep my feelings buried deep.

And that is how it went for years until the urge to feel feminine led me to crossdressing.  Being the master of denial I rationalized that I just had a simple panty fetish, deep down I knew that was a lie and those panties were just the tip of a very big, pink, iceberg. 

But I got a career and a family so I compartmentalized, rationalized, and just basically hid from my authentic self. 

Then about a year ago I finally purchased some silicone breast forms.  I had put some into my cart many times before only to chicken out and remove them but this time I did it!  The first time wearing my forms with a pretty bra was like opening up the flood gates.  The years of feelings, hiding, pretending, and whatever came gushing out.  I just sat on my bed and cried. 

So here I am, I have come out to my supportive wife and daughter.  My wife actually was the first to vocalize that she thought I was transgender.  My daughter is super supportive as well. 

So ladies, here is my question..  It seems like my gender dysphoria is now ten time worse since I am acknowledging my true self.  I think the dysphoria has always been there I am just now allowing myself to quit denying it.  Did you have a similar experience? 

I don't know what my future will be, I just know I am tired of hiding and feeling alone.  I would like to begin HRT at a low dosage to see how that goes.  I have started seeing a therapist, she says she works with trans folks but I have only had one session.  I am now shaving my chest and legs to help with the dysphoria as well as wearing gender confirming clothing whenever possible. 

I guess that is enough rambling for one post but I would love to hear how you eased your dysphoria. 

All the best,
Brooke

JamieH:

--- Quote from: SoBrooke on August 30, 2021, 10:41:35 am ---Hello,

Probably like everyone else here I began to have feminine interests and curiosity at a young age.  I remember saying that I wanted to be a ballerina when I was around 5 and I vividly remember the abuse I endured for the months that followed.  I guess that early conditioning taught me to keep my feelings buried deep.

And that is how it went for years until the urge to feel feminine led me to crossdressing.  Being the master of denial I rationalized that I just had a simple panty fetish, deep down I knew that was a lie and those panties were just the tip of a very big, pink, iceberg. 

But I got a career and a family so I compartmentalized, rationalized, and just basically hid from my authentic self. 

Then about a year ago I finally purchased some silicone breast forms.  I had put some into my cart many times before only to chicken out and remove them but this time I did it!  The first time wearing my forms with a pretty bra was like opening up the flood gates.  The years of feelings, hiding, pretending, and whatever came gushing out.  I just sat on my bed and cried. 

So here I am, I have come out to my supportive wife and daughter.  My wife actually was the first to vocalize that she thought I was transgender.  My daughter is super supportive as well. 

So ladies, here is my question..  It seems like my gender dysphoria is now ten time worse since I am acknowledging my true self.  I think the dysphoria has always been there I am just now allowing myself to quit denying it.  Did you have a similar experience? 

I don't know what my future will be, I just know I am tired of hiding and feeling alone.  I would like to begin HRT at a low dosage to see how that goes.  I have started seeing a therapist, she says she works with trans folks but I have only had one session.  I am now shaving my chest and legs to help with the dysphoria as well as wearing gender confirming clothing whenever possible. 

I guess that is enough rambling for one post but I would love to hear how you eased your dysphoria. 

All the best,
Brooke

--- End quote ---

As you read other people's stories and blog posts here (you should start a blog thread too) you'll see that pretty much everyone here had similar experiences as a kid, stronger feelings with age, lots of denial and repression, etc.  I am currently in the middle of the biggest dysphoric cycle I've ever experienced.  I'm just starting to allow myself to feel this way and starting to try to admit things to myself, and it's only making the feelings stronger while ratcheting up a lot of anxiety about a path forward...or to just repress it again somehow.   Having something like this bottled up since I was 5 has done a number on me, as I'm sure you can relate.  I have not come out to anyone, but have found a therapist and hopefully meeting this week.

Getting your thoughts out in writing helps a lot.  A blog thread is a good way to keep all your stuff in one place.  It's a good thing that you've figured out who you are.  I'm not experienced on this journey, but I'd imagine that the 2 steps you've taken (admitting to yourself, and coming out to wife) are probably among the hardest steps.  Not to discount the difficulty of coming out socially, professionally,  etc, I think when that happens you be able to say to yourself "I told my wife I'm a woman, telling HR is a piece of cake in comparison). 

But to your question about your dysphoria being stronger now that you're acknowledging yourself,  YES.  That is why I'm here, why I sought out this site, why I called a therapist.  For some reason and I don't know why, I feel less inclined to beat Jamie down into oblivion this time and more inclined to let her roam free in my thoughts.  I find myself happy and excited allowing myself to feel feminine, imagining my life as a woman on the outside, and I feel like it reinforces it and makes it stronger.  Then the crush of "I can't do this, can't blow up my marriage, gotta man up somehow" hurts intensely. 

I totally feel you, see you and relate.  I wish you the best of luck and look forward to reading about your progress. 

Northern Star Girl:
@SoBrooke
Dear Brooke:
As the previous reply comment authored by  @JamieH   mentioned, "Getting your thoughts out in writing helps a lot.  A blog thread is a good way to keep all your stuff in one place."

Further to that thought you may have noticed that I have now moved your topic and thread here to Member Blogs.
The Link to your topic and post are unchanged so it is still easily found and read.

More about personal blogs and journals:
I also keep a journal/blog (Links at the end of any comment that I post) that I can talk about all the details of my life that don't always necessarily fit into the normal more specific sub-forums.

It is a great tool to document your life journey and to make note of benchmark moments that are important to you and that you feel free to post.

Everyone here on the Forums that is transitioning or has transitioned fully understands what you are going through and can identify with many of the things that you may wish to share.   

In addition to your Susan's Place Forums blog-thread I would also recommend that you keep a personal (at home) journal that is for your eyes only.   I personally keep an old-school pen and paper journal complete with colorful doodling, scribbling, snapshot photos, etc.   
These kinds of things are good therapy and can be an excellent way to write down your successes and to vent your frustrations and disappointments.  So many times when I am going through my own difficulties, just the action of writing about it can help me to process my thoughts and often it helps me to formulate positive solutions.    It also makes for some good personal reading and review on a rainy or cold night while sitting in a comfortable chair in front of the fireplace....  sometimes with tears in my eyes.

When you share trials and tribulations you will find that the members here will lend you their ears to listen and their shoulder to lean on.....    and when you post about your successes and good times we will rejoice with you ... we are your biggest fans and will always be rooting for your happiness and success.

Reading what you have said in your first several postings since you very recently joined yesterday, I trust that you can keep a positive outlook as you continue in your transition journey.  To help with that you may wish to visit the following thread:
            Positive Mindset... put away negativity
        https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html

Remember this... Negative Thoughts will many times produce Negative Results.
 
As other members have mentioned in other threads regarding seeing a therapist... I am glad to read that you started seeing a Gender Therapist.... Your doctor should be able to provide some more suggestions and names of those that can further help you to navigate the transition journey ahead for you.

Again, thank you for starting this thread.   I will be eagerly following your journey and updates as you feel comfortable posting them here and around the various threads on the Forums.

Wishing you well,
HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle

TXSara:

--- Quote from: SoBrooke on August 30, 2021, 10:41:35 am ---The years of feelings, hiding, pretending, and whatever came gushing out.  I just sat on my bed and cried. 

--- End quote ---

I think most of us here can point to a similar "eureka" moment.  Mine came over the Christmas holidays in 2019.


--- Quote from: SoBrooke on August 30, 2021, 10:41:35 am ---So here I am, I have come out to my supportive wife and daughter.  My wife actually was the first to vocalize that she thought I was transgender.  My daughter is super supportive as well. 

--- End quote ---

That is wonderful news.  I feel very lucky that my wife and kids are "mostly" supportive.  My wife finds herself on the roller coaster frequently.  She'll be extremely supportive one week, then really struggle with it the next.  I don't fault her one bit -- this is really hard on her.  The kids seem to have no problems at all.  It's just a different world today than it was when I was growing up!  If you have a supportive wife and daughter, you're already well ahead of the curve.


--- Quote from: SoBrooke on August 30, 2021, 10:41:35 am ---It seems like my gender dysphoria is now ten time worse since I am acknowledging my true self.

--- End quote ---

Yep.  That's how it works.  I have been on the "slow" ride for the last 1.5+ years because I want to make sure I don't push too hard with the wife.  I handle my dysphoria by making sure I'm always moving forward -- even if it's just a little.  For instance, I have worked really hard at getting down to my desired weight.  I have also worked to get rid of body and facial hair.  Those are sort of "long lead" items that you can work on and make yourself feel like you're making progress without pushing the limits too much at once. 


--- Quote from: SoBrooke on August 30, 2021, 10:41:35 am ---I am now shaving my chest and legs to help with the dysphoria as well as wearing gender confirming clothing whenever possible. 

--- End quote ---

Yep, that first time shaving my body was great -- it's a real pain to keep up with, though.  That's why I eventually lasered it all off (plus electrolysis on my face).  If you're going for HRT quickly, you may find that the hormones slow down the body hair without having to do laser hair removal.  For me, I wanted to make sure the wife was completely on board before pushing HRT on her -- doing the hair removal thing really helped with my dysphoria without crossing that threshold.

Good luck!  It looks like you, Jamie, and I will be going for the ride at the same time!

~Sara

Brooke Renee:
Thanks you all for your thoughtful responses!  Just knowing we are not alone is a huge help. 

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