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Accepting reality, tip-toeing forward

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Rachel Montgomery:

--- Quote from: Brooke Renee on August 02, 2022, 08:53:13 am ---. 

I would love to hear from my sisters on if you have immersed yourself in something to provide a distraction from the difficult cards we have been dealt. 


With love and kindness,

Brooke

--- End quote ---

Drinking (certainly hard at it until my mid 30’s, now just socially a few drinks a month), watching/following college football (SEC) (recruiting, listening to sports shows, participating in website message boards), college basketball, work, SCUBA, guitar, bow hunting, rifle shooting, traps shooting, fishing, flying airplanes and, (privately) cross dressing.  I do the cross dressing the least of the activities on the list, but I am sure it is important to cope.

I tend to immerse myself in one of these and do it obsessively.  The distraction eventually gets sort of less interesting and I move to another, and then another.  I am never immersed in more than 2 of these at a time.  Right now it is flying and guitar.  I should be SCUBA diving, but haven’t done that since Covid restrictions canceled a trip.  I was going back in December, but I tore my ACL the night before the dive, so …no dive for me.  Hence, back to guitar. 

Brooke Renee:
So this Queen of De-Nile is having a day.  I have tried to focus on other things for the past month to get my mind off the GD and maybe find some peace.  Worked for a while, today is the crash.  I don't want to bore or burden you all with my drama, it is just a tough day, everyone here has them. 

Right now I am walled off in a safe place fully presented as Brooke, everything makes sense, everything seems right.  Tie a knot and hang on right? 

Breathing,

Brooke 

Rachel Montgomery:

--- Quote from: Brooke Renee on August 09, 2022, 10:11:57 am ---So this Queen of De-Nile is having a day.  I have tried to focus on other things for the past month to get my mind off the GD and maybe find some peace.  Worked for a while, today is the crash.  I don't want to bore or burden you all with my drama, it is just a tough day, everyone here has them. 

Right now I am walled off in a safe place fully presented as Brooke, everything makes sense, everything seems right.  Tie a knot and hang on right? 

Breathing,

Brooke

--- End quote ---

I understand.  I am sorry.  [cyber hug] 

If you want to talk, I am here.  Feel free to PM me.

Rachel

Brooke Renee:
Hello friends,

Welcome to September, it has been quite a summer.  Not a lot of news on the transition front but a few tid bits to share.  I have been searching for a new therapist, I think I may have found one but she has a waitlist.  She contacted me a few weeks ago with two options for open time slots.  Sadly they both fall on Wednesdays at mid day which is impossible with my work schedule.  So back on the waitlist. 

I don't know exactly how therapy could help, I guess I don't know what I don't know.  I have tried a couple other therapists, one with marginal results and the other was clueless about trans issues.  We'll see, I am committed to being optimistic.  I think my biggest issue is how I will immerse myself in an activity or interest as a distraction from the GD.  I'm sure we all have done that!  But........  I need to find a way to accept myself and further, find a way to move forward regardless of how terrifying that may be.  It's funny (or tragic or a slow motion train wreck or whatever..) I will get into something so deeply that for a while I will no longer notice the pains of GD.  But we all know that is not sustainable. 

As proof, I am in full Brooke mode at the moment.  I was not overwhelmed with the need to present as my authentic self but now that I am, I have a great sense of peace.  I feel normal.  This just reinforces what I have always known but apparently need to be reminded of on a regular basis:

I am who I am, no amount of distraction will ever change the fact that I am a woman to my very core. 

Now, all that said my "distractions" have been largely positive health-wise.  My go to activities are train running, cycling, and hiking.  Throw in some photography too.  These pursuits have given me some great legs and a trim waistline!  Hey, trying to stay positive here.. 

Soooo, maybe this new therapist can help.  She advertises her expertise in the LGBT community so crossing fingers. 

I guess that is all I have at the moment.  I want you all to know that I frequently read your updates, I just don't always know how to respond. 

But just reading about your experiences lets me know that I am not alone. 

Anyway, I hope you all are well and bring on the Pumpkin Spice Lattes! 

Brooke

JamieH:

--- Quote from: Brooke Renee on July 04, 2022, 09:02:30 am ---Hello all, it has been a while since I have posted, some updates..

I have not made any major transition decisions but recent events have me thinking more and more.  About three weeks ago I received word that a dear friend from college passed away.  We were very close for years but as often happens, life sent us in different directions geographically.  A few days after I got the news of his passing I got some disturbing details, he had taken his own life.  I still do not know how to process this, I really don't.  To put it mildly, this has shaken me to the core.  I have tried to post about this several times but the emotions were just too much.  I am not sure what else to say except take care of yourselves and each other.  I will try to have something more cheerful to talk about next time.

BR

--- End quote ---

Sorry, Brooke that is awful news.  The same happened to a friend of mine about 7 years back.  He was my very best friend in college and then we kind of grew apart a bit after school getting caught up in the work rat race.  I got news one day that he had died.  He was only 34.  After college he got into pills  and while none of us are sure, we all think it was suicide.  It's heartbreaking, he was such an awesome person.  Apart from my father's, his wake was the saddest I've ever been to.  Still, 7 years later I'll get teary eyed when I think of him.

I offer my condolences.  I wish I could say time heals all wounds or some other trope people say in this situation, but the reality is that it will hurt forever.  About the only good thing about that is it's a testament to how significant the relationship was.  You're in my thoughts.

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